You still have to unwind the attachment to your wife.

Until the divorce is FINAL, you will do better in the long run if you DON'T DATE!

Just have seen too many things unravel here on the board when people date before the divorce.

Tresmal, please heed KA's warning. I'm not sure why, but I feel she's absolutely correct.

My attorney advised me not to date until the divorce was FINAL. I know this is merely a legal technicality, but I feel very awkward about dating and "entangling engagements" at this point. I have read and heard about "rebound relationships" and other tender and raw possibilities.

You probably already know too, that some people here will look at your new relationship as an "affair" because you are still married. Just so you know...

Hey, Tres. I just wandered back into my HS French and realized your name means Very Bad. NO?

Count me in on the above. Not passing judgement, do what you want. But I think it's a mistake. If she's that awesome, she'll be around when the smoke clears.

Please reconsider your feelings, using MB principles.

opt

T/J:
Fred you are a fountain of info.


Love this. I have my list. Ready and waiting. I have no faith she'll ever ask for it, but I have it.

opt

Yeah, I realize that and am prepared for the "abuse". The way I see it, I'm legally separated at this point so from a legal standpoint it's not adultery. While I understand from other's view points and morals it would still be considered adultery. I believe we all deserve to be happy, I've written off my marriage (hell don't even talk to her at all), divorce will be finalized in a month or so and life is too short not to throw a good thing away when it comes at you out of the blue.

I believe in fate, and that God gives us what we need. This woman was introduced to me for a reason, whether it be for my, her, or both our benefit or life lesson. Just going with what God has provided me at this point.

Oui (yes), tres mal means very bad. Took French in high school, don't remember much though lol.

Just so you know, Tresmal, this was the same logic my WW used when she moved out. She claimed that being "legally separated" meant she could see and do whoever she pleased.

The problem there is that in my state, the law does not recognize "legally separated." In Virginia there are three distinct states of matrimony:

• Married, living together
• Married, living separately
• Divorced

Semantics? Probably. Especially since the state does not even prosecute adultery, even though it's on the books as a Class IV Misdemeanor.

My attorney advised me that until the ink was dry on the divorce decree, I was not to have any girlfriends. No, the irony is not lost on me, but my values and morals prevent me from doing anything other than what my lawyer urged.

Tres - this just smacks of "jerkitis". Stop it!

This is not a moral issue. It's a mental fitness issue.

This is the fact that you have a LEGAL and EMOTIONAL attachment to your wife, no matter how "legally detached" you might feel.

The facts are the facts. And until you are divorced, you are a heartbreak for a good woman waiting to happen. Because you still have an emotional attachment to your wife, you will in fact be a jerk at some time to this woman you claim to care about.

Stop it.

And wait until it's IN FACT legal - not just cause the paperwork's filed.

Oh - and your claim of expectation of abuse here?

Get over yourself. You knew you were doing this new girl wrong, and you are now acting just as bad as a wayward

and you know it!

Otherwise, you'd have acted all surprised that you get called out. You tried a preemptive strike and bull is still bull here!

Now get back with your recovery program and stop with the crap!

Now that I've got your attention?

How do I know you're still emotionally attached?

Because you write about her. There's still anger about her actions and goings on. There's still memories that cause feelings.

A new woman isn't going to wash those away.

My brother went through two divorces. The first one ripped him apart. The second was a much more defiant kind of divorce, but the worst was he couldn't stand to be alone. So he didn't learn from one marriage to the next to the next. So now in Marriage #3 he's a mental mess. and she's worse than the other two xw's combined.

On a milder note - when I met Kasey, he was getting over an 8 year relationship with his high school girlfriend. He had way overinvested in that relationship, much more than she did - and he spent our first date just talking about her. Kasey almost didn't get the second date because of his preoccupation with the ex.

So believe me - you have baggage to process. Most therapists will say one to six months for every year you were together, depending upon how emotionally healthy the relationship was.

Please listen to what we're saying. Get over your 'moral' issue high horse. This has to do with the essence of what brought you here - the lack of respectful relationship boundaries and the lack of an emotionally healthy relationship in the first place.

T, I'm not one of those people who think dating after you've filed for divorce and are legally separated is adultery. So I'm not going to beat up on you. I do however want to point out discrepencies in your post. Talking every day on the phone after only 2 dates is NOT taking it slowly, let alone taking it very slowly.

I have written before that rebound relationships have a lot in common with adulterous relationships. Both can occur with people who are otherwise not good long-term mates because we are desparate to have emotional needs met after so long a dry spell. To compound the issue, after divorce or major break up, we're usually shaken in our self-esteem and hurting. The rush of someone new finding us desireable provides temporary relief fromt he pain. When we're married we look to get most of our ENs met by our spouse. When we have been alone for a period of time, we naturally find ways to get these needs met by others. Conversation and recreation and openness and admiration all can be met by friends and co-workers. Meanwhile, we adjust to the new norm of being alone and the a lot of pain softens or goes away completely. At that point, we're really ready to start dating and not fall for the first remotely compatible person we find. At that point, when we start a relationship, we won't be using the person to help us recover.

As for God bringing her into your life.... Well, maybe. I think God often puts people in our path. On the other hand, I also think there are dark forces at work, and then there's always Man's Free Will mucking up the waters. It's really hard to tell when you're in the moment.

Tres,
Man, I've been thinking a lot about your situation. The principle is there, and Gg expounds on all that quite eloquently above.
I can see myself falling into the same set of circumstances even knowing and feeling what I feel right now about what's "right." It's been a long time without any kind of affection as it is, and I don't even have a court date as of now.
Well, not sure what I'm trying to say here. I'm glad you're happy. But I guess we get a little protective of our own here since we've all been through similar crap. I hope you're not making a mistake that could lead to further pain for you. Just be careful, okay?

~opt

I just read lost23's post.

This is why you should not date until you recover.
Now a GOOD woman and a toddler are paying the price. Years down the road.

(tho he does not say how long divorce/meeting was- it is crutial that someone is recovered before seriously dating)

This is just my opinion.