Would it help if you attributed some of the 'blah' to the mono? I just looked upthread. So maybe coughing combined with licking? lol.

LOL He is the one who has Mono. I thought I had it, but the Dr. just called to confirm my test was negative.

Which, pathetically enough, I am not happy about. Since now I am not offically "as sick as him", the competition is over. He won. Yes, he makes who is sicker a competition. So now, I have no excuse not to carry on like I am perfectly fine, regardless of how I feel, because I do not have a "condition" like he does.

Maybe if he didnt overwork himself, he wouldnt HAVE mono in the first place.

My CBC came back ok. No anemia (which would explain how tired I am). I think my marriage is causing me depression. is that possible? Because I feel terrible. That would be just great - ending up with depression. Then my husband could have a get out of jail free card. It isnt HIM, its the depression, which of course, he didn't help cause.

Sure the state of the marriage can bring on depression. Short of medication, you could *try* forcing yourself to get some physical exercise, it releases endorphins which helps lift your mood. I know how hard it is to get motivated to do that. I do a Kenpo routine that you might like...it involves a lot of punching and kicking, so it releases aggression, too.

I seriously cannot do it. I have the Wii Fit (which I have been asking for months to have my husband hook up to the large TV with all of the free space in front of it, but he has yet to), I just... can't. I suppose being sick makes my motivation level about nil.

If I had more time to focus on me, I would like to. But then when I get the chance, it is so few and far between, that I get all down and out before I have the chance to do it again.

I emailed our MC and asked for an appt for me to get checked out. I will tell H about it, but I do not want to, because then he will use my possible depression as a way to validate himself that he isn't part of the problem. I feel he is the problem.

The problem is you both think each other is the problem. Yeah, I'm there, too--- can not throw stones.

Fer christsakes, try some meds. You most likely will feel very sorry that you suffered for so long without them. Most people benefit in some way, and it could be the light at the end of the tunnel that may kick start your feeling better.

I have not felt this "hopeless" since after the EA 2 years ago. I don't know if I am triggering because it was EXACLTY 2 years ago, or what. I cannot identify it.

I know I am part of the problem. I am in constant fix it mode. I am always trying new things, reading the books, asking questions. I think he would prefer I just shut the [censored] up and act happy. He certainly is not meeting ANY of my ENs right now, even when I am very clear what they are and how he can meet them. Any time I try and tell him how I feel, he gets annoyed with this "what did I do now" attitude, even when I use all the "I feel X when this happens" approach. I have tried every approach I can think of. Every approach others have given me. I am sick of trying. It should not be this hard to care about me. Why can't he care about me consistently? I meet all his ENs according to him. I am just.so.tired. I want to scream my head off right now.

I really believe what I need to feel better is getting some of my ENs met. Then I would not need the damn drugs because I would not be depressed!!!

I remember you from before when I intensly disliked your cheaterman husband.

You are attractive (on MB picture site), you are nice, and you live in my town. I will come kick his butt for you...

But seriously, he was always selfish.

What EN's do you need him to meet, please list them and we can sink our teeth into how to help if that is possible.

I know if I had 4 young kids, NONE, NONE and NONE of my EN;s would ever be met and my husband might just get a second job to avoid all the hard work and noise of childrearing, heck, the two cats are a lot for him to handle sometimes.

Let us know the en's and we can see what is up now.

Hi Bubbles.

Yes, I know. Seriously selfish. He was raised to be selfish.

1) Affection
2)SF
3)conversation

in no particular order - they are all about tied right now.

I am not a woman who can go without any of these things for more than a day. Well, SF does not have to be daily, but I like it when it is. We have always, always done well with SF, but over the past 6 months it has decreased from 5-10x a week to ONCE. Actually, it has been more than a week now. I have asked him to come home on his lunch hour (which technically he does not have with his job, but I keep asking in hopes one afternoon will free up) for SF.

I do a great job of getting the younger two to bed BY 7 and the older 2 (teens) have homework or music that keep them occupied til they go to bed at 8:30. This has always worked for us, so that we get our alone time each evening. For the past 9 months, I have watched our alone time go from each evening, to every few evenings to NO evenings (during the weekdays). He works until about 10 every night.

I have told him very clearly what I need from him. How many men have this problem? Their wives actually want to have sex with them? Poor things!

1) Affection
2)SF
3)conversation

Hey these needs are only three! YAY!

These are the big three though and are often intertwined.

For me, when I am not getting much sex, I suffer more with the unmet affection and conversation needs. If the sex is good and often, I can relax and not crave the affection/conversation needs.

Sometimes the best time to get those needs met is in the context of sex/bedroom. then all three needs are met.

I can see if he gets home at 10PM, why none of your needs are met or rarely. Why the late hours? In his line of work there is no need for working that late except unless HE CHOOSES TO. And do not believe otherwise.

I wonder why he chooses to come home right before bedtime.

The stress is a symptom, - so what? It does not matter where it is coming from, you still should treat it and not put your emotional health at the discretion of another.

I find/found that I was calmer on meds.
Only ignorant people would comment negatively about someones medications. Unless you are married to my husband (who feels the need to share all my private info with his family)
no one needs to know.

They are a pain because you need to be monitored, but my relationship with my children was suffering due to my emotional upheaval.

You have to decide what is best for you. I am just saying don't let attitudes you have about "damn drugs" affect your descisions about your health.

And I am so jealous of all the wives here looking for ways to fix their marriages! I feel exactly the same as you, wondering why why why except I'm wondering why I can't have a concerned MB wife, the kind I read about here, the kind who is willing to forgive and repair a marriage even with something as big as infidelity, which is not the situation for me? Not even close.

So, Gdar, I feel your frustration but know that sometimes it is the wife who doesn't want to try.

I know he chooses to. It has been an ongoing issue. His job is incredibly demanding (and important) and I used to admire how good he is at it, but I am to the point now, that when he asks for my input, I don't want to give it. When he opens up his laptop, I instantly get an upset stomach.

One night (the night after Mother's Day), I just could not stand to see him work. I went downstairs. He ended up coming downstairs, which I thought would have been a nice gesture (though was not expecting it). Then he whips out his laptop. Spends about 45 minutes on a 5 sentence email. Wants me to give him my opinion on if he sounded appreciative, yet professional.

Really?

He could not spend even 5 seconds to write something nice inside a card for Mother's Day?

So I explained to him this was my entire point (about being upset at how much he works when he is home). That I watch him spend 45 minutes to make sure he is making his staff feel appreciated, an email that could have taken 1-2 minutes to write. But he wanted to get it JUST right to portray his appreciation for their hard work.

How I want that to be ME. I WANT that time!

Every time we talk about it, he promises he will work harder to find a balance between home and work. That he is aware it has been way too much and that he is sorry, and that he will figure it out. It has been almost 9 months. And it has gotten much worse.

Right now, I really need him to come home and rip my clothes off. I am going out of my mind.

Last night, as I sat next to him watching him work away on his laptop until almost 11 pm, I was having these weird physical reactions and every few minutes, I felt like I was going to just bawl my head off. I had to choke back tears. Once the lights were off and he assumed his position to sleep, the tears flowed.

And he ignored me.

Thank you, I always appreciate your perspective.

Yes, I admit, I am judgemental about drugs. I have an appt this Tuesday with our MC (who I have sent 2 friends to for depresion and they really like him).

I told my husband that I made the appt to see him, and what it was for. He asked me (flatly, with feigned interest - yes I know that is a DJ, but I know him and he was not interested) if I needed to talk about anything. Again, really? That is what I have been trying to do for months and he either pacifies me by telling me it will change or he simply ignores it. I told him that I have been very clear about what is wrong, that I have communicated in every way I know how, so no. I do not want to talk about it NOW (just because I made an appt).

Please excuse me if my posts are all over the map. I did not get any sleep last night, I cried so long and hard and I have had a headache for 2 solid days now.

Calm down! Calm down enough to tell him that you're drowning here, and tell him exactly what you need. Home from work at whatever time you think is reasonable, 6pm or 7pm or 8. No work stuff at home--if you think this would be impossible, then work out a plan! 8-8:30pm he can answer emails, or whatever you think you can tolerate without resentment.

Tell him, "I don't want to HEAR it. I want to SEE it."

You're a SAHM, right? My H and I have struggled with this, too, in big ugly ways, and he offered that what I *should* do, since I was left alone with four kids from sunup to bedtime, was find myself a life...get a babysitter, go out! I explained to him that doing that would not provide me what I needed, which was a close and intimate relationship with a significant other. I was seeking THAT. And if he continued to go into work early and come home late and ignore my needs, I would still be seeking THAT connection, so if he were to start finding that I was never at home, that I was out 'making a life', he could rest assured that I was doing it in a way to seek that which I was missing...a significant other. He went from working late 4-5 times a week to working late 2-3 days a month, if that.

CWMI. I have done that. More than a few times. I have said "I don't want to HEAR it, I want to SEE it" more than I can count.

We had a plan. It lasted 4 days. The one time he actually followed a plan. 4 days. Nothing ever, ever, ever sticks.

It is nice to hear someone who has been in this same position. I do not need a sitter during the day when my husband is at work - I enjoy being with my kidlets. It is HIM I miss. He knows this. I just do not know what else I can do to drive it home.

I thought that when I told him how hurtful it is to watch him craft a 45 minute email of thanks to his staff, but could not muster up anything for me when he KNOWS Mother's Day is a big deal to me, that he would get it. He LOOKED like he did. But his actions show me otherwise.

My H said something to me that really bonkered me. It was about gifts and recognition...he said that he wanted to do big things, but when the big things he wanted to do couldn't play out because of money or time or availability, he went to the default of doing nothing. That's entirely his...his perfectionism...have you heard the old saying, "Anything worth doing, is worth doing right"? Some people (I'm not naming anybody, but in my house his initials are H, lol) take that to mean, "If you can't do it right, don't even bother."

Does your H have that tendency? It could explain a lot. Why he needs to get an employee email just so. Why he avoids parenting by staying away. Why he avoids being a husband. If he thinks he can't be perfect in those roles, then he doesn't bother. Better to have not tried, than to have tried and come up short. That way, they're still perfect (in their own eyes, anyway, lol).

Might be a subject worth exploring. Sad thing is, there's nothing you can do about it...it's his.

No, he does not have that tenancy. He was so consistently thoughtful for the first 3 years. Blank cards with heartfelt words for no reason, a pair of my favorite jeans from my favorite boutique, strum a song about me on his guitar. Right up until the EA, he was (besides the poor division of baby/house chores, which now I do not even bother with) very thoughtful. He called all the time, he emailed me all of the time, we IMd each other many times throughout the day. Now we talk once or twice a day. I know he is busy at work, so I am used to the minimal contact throughout the day. I had a hard time with that at first, but ok with it now. As long as he is attentive when he is home.

We were going through a rough patch last summer around my birthday. My best friend got upset with him, called him up and said "you better have something planned for her 35th birthday", and he did. Threw me a fantastic surprise party, with her help. But thats just it. He will let the Status Quo go and go and go, then do something like throw me a party, and hope that holds me over for months and months. Then I get accused of not ever being satisfied. I was very appreciative of the party. I was not appreciative of how it went right back to the way it was a week later.