WH has strayed again...

I know why - it is my fault - now I realize what I really was doing wrong - I guess a person can only take so much and after the first affair - I didn't get past the feelings I had of resentment and pain - I was always so suspicious of him and questioning where he was - what he was doing - he may have been doing just what he said he was doing but I didn't believe him and I would pick pick pick...
Now we've had some really good days since trying to rebuild from the affair of last year...but we've had some bad days too...I did therapy and that helped in that it helped to validate my feelings and explain what my actions were doing...and something that the therapist said was that if I didn't get past what I was feeling my husband just might stray again since he was getting so much flack he might feel like it was justified...

Now comes my problem - he strayed again - with his co worker that has been a friend all this time but what I didn't know was that she isn't happy in her own relationship with her boyfriend/husband that she has always had a "thing" for my husband - I basically pushed him towards her - crap - so now what?

I am so lost and confused - he said he isn't going to leave our family but now what? It's been a week since I found out about them - he said it hasn't been going on long - I would say a few weeks or at the most a month since they've let their relationship go past the line...

I sent her a letter of no contact - he said he won't contact her - but they work together - how can they not!

I haven't gone ballistic on him - I think I've been very cool ccalm and collected - when talking with him - by myself though I am a sobbing fool = I've made such a mess of things - I can't bear it!

I'm sure that a veteran will be along soon. I just wanted to say that you have done nothing to make your husband have an affair. That is HIS choice. Your faults lie within the marriage. He chose to go outside of it to supposedly solve his problems.... Do not take responsibility for what he has done wrong.

I wish he invested as much effort as he did in hiding this into working with me on what ever was wrong...we might stand a chance...

[quote=Survive_This]WH has strayed again...

I know why - it is my fault - now I realize what I really was doing wrong - I guess a person can only take so much and after the first affair - I didn't get past the feelings I had of resentment and pain - I was always so suspicious of him and questioning where he was - what he was doing - he may have been doing just what he said he was doing but I didn't believe him and I would pick pick pick...
Now we've had some really good days since trying to rebuild from the affair of last year...but we've had some bad days too...I did therapy and that helped in that it helped to validate my feelings and explain what my actions were doing...and something that the therapist said was that if I didn't get past what I was feeling my husband just might stray again since he was getting so much flack he might feel like it was justified...

Now comes my problem - he strayed again - with his co worker that has been a friend all this time but what I didn't know was that she isn't happy in her own relationship with her boyfriend/husband that she has always had a "thing" for my husband - I basically pushed him towards her - crap - so now what?

I am so lost and confused - he said he isn't going to leave our family but now what? It's been a week since I found out about them - he said it hasn't been going on long - I would say a few weeks or at the most a month since they've let their relationship go past the line...

I sent her a letter of no contact - he said he won't contact her - but they work together - how can they not!

I haven't gone ballistic on him - I think I've been very cool ccalm and collected - when talking with him - by myself though I am a sobbing fool = I've made such a mess of things - I can't bear it![quote]

Survive_This, welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry you're here under these circumstances, but you're at the right place.

First of all, you're going to need to change your mindset about a few things. Read the articles on this site and read these posts. Your WH's A (Wayward Husband's Affair)is not your fault! Your WH had an A because he has poor boundaries and chose to have some of his needs met outside of your M (Marriage.)

Having said that, couple of things:
1. Don't go back to that therapist. He/she doesn't know what they're talking about. Your WH's choices to have affairs isn't predicated by what you do, or don't do.
2. You have not been given the chance to properly heal from the first A. I am so sorry for that! This goes back to your poor therapist.
3. (And this one is probably most important, so read carefully) Your WH can have NO CONTACT with this coworker. That means that one of them will have to leave that job. Sounds extreme, doesn't it. But that's how it is.
4. You need to snoop to confirm that this A is truly over. Read about snooping on this site.

Other posters have collected links that puts a lot of good info together for newly-arrived BSs (Betrayed Spouses.) I'll try to find Scotty's and put it on here, but knowing her, she'll be on here with you shortly and will link it for you.

You're among friends, Survive_This. We'll help you.

I will just point out that this poster came to MB in 2009 when the first affair was discovered.

Survive_This, you were given advice on the steps to take to ensure the end of that affair, before embarking on recovery. People posting to you at that time felt that you were not following their advice. You stopped posting after this point was made:

I agree with maritalbliss that the therapist is poor and should be dropped, but you also need to follow the MB programme, as you were advised to do last year.

Did you take action to find out who OW was, and did you then expose the affair?

How do you know that this isn't the same OW?

Survive, I'm sorry to say but YES, this was wrong. Where did you get the idea that the non-contact letter should come from you?

If you have read Surviving an Affair or Dr Harley's Q&A columns on this web site, you should know that the NC should come from the WS. It should be written in a way that the BS approves of, and it should say that the affair is wrong and that the BS does not deserve the hurt and betrayal. it should say that the WS intends to be faithful to the wronged BS from now on.

For this to be meaningful to the OW, it HAS to come from the WS. It means nothing to her if the angry, hurt BS says "I want you to stay away from my husband". Of course you want this; OW knows that, and already does not respect your wishes. She can't be thinking that you approve of their affair! However, she does not know that her affair partner (your WS) wants nothing more to do with her, and she needs to be told that by him.

You must read the NC letter and approve its wording, before posting or emailing it yourself. Sending it yourself is the only way of knowing it was really sent. WSs have been known to say that they sent the letter when they did so such thing. However, while YOU must send it, WS must write it. If you send it by email, it must come from WH's account, not yours.

Phoning OW to ASK what her intentions are is also weak. What if the answer is that yes, she intends to take your H and break up two families? Are you just phoning to clarify if this is the case?

If you need to phone her, it should be to tell her that her affair with your husband ended TODAY. Let her know that you will not be sitting by while she sorts out her intentions.

Thanks for looking me up and I am the MOST sorry for not following the program as described - I applied some of the things - that I was comfortable with - I didn't go far enough and that is what lead to this A happening.

Did I find out who was the OW of last year? Yes - she is divorced so no H to expose to - I know who she is now and he came clean about it after the postings that were quoted above...

Did I expose the A of last year? No

Is it the same OW of last year? No - this is his co worker that has always been a little to solicitous with him but I figured I could trust her because I know her...

Need to follow the program this time - God give me strength - I did expose this to my mom - she is upset of course and her advice is to just move on with my life even without him...

...due to me not facing my fears this is really my fault...

Sorry - I don't know if my H will write a letter like that and as I'm writing this I'm realizing that if he doesn't then it might mean that he doesn't really want it to be over...

ST, if you can cause your serial cheater husband to cheat by being in pain and by being suspicious then you should get divorced now because a) adultery is more abusive than physical assault or rape and you will naturally be in "pain", b) YOU WERE RIGHT TO BE SUSPICIOUS. Of course you will be suspicious of a serial cheater!! You should be suspcious of untrustworthy persons.

Your husband is onto his 2nd affair for one reason and one reason only: he has no boundaries with women. PERIOD.

You WILL be in pain if you are harmed. You will be suspicious of untrustworthy persons. That will not change. So, if he cheats becuase of that, then your marriage is over now.

Yes, sadly; that is likely to be what it means.

Survive, you cannot make this affair end; only he can do that. That is why writing the NC letter yourself means nothing.

Right now, you need to be properly in Plan A for a very short time; 3-4 weeks. During that time, you express your willingness to meet your H's ENs and work towards a happy marriage one the affair ends. You meet the ENs that he will let you meet, but you should not have sex with him until he stops having sex with her, and you are both tested and cleared for STDs.

During Plan A, you also need to expose the affair, first and foremost to her H. You must not warn your H or OW that you intend to expose. You need to find a way of contacting her H directly, that she cannot intercept. You also need to expose more widely to both families. You say that you have told your mother, but you do not mention his parents or siblings. What family does he have?

Also, what children do you have?

If the marriage is to survive, your H must stop working with OW. Since he cannot force her to leave the job, he must do so. He should begin looking for alternative work today.

What is the workplace connection? Is he her supervisor, or vice versa? Do they work for the same team? Do they work in the same building

If your H drags his feet or refuses to end the affair (and refusing to write a NC letter, and refusing to leave the job would be evidence that it is continuing), you need to go to Plan B after 4 weeks maximum. Plan B involves getting H to move out and having no direct contact with him until the affair ends and he expresses a wish to rebuild the marriage. Plan B requires planning, because you need to make arrangements for him to support you and the children financially without speaking to you directly. You need to find someone who can act as an intermediary, passing important or urgent messages between you about money, the children or of course, a reconciliation. You cannot just go to Plan B one afternoon when you have had enough; if it isn't carefully set up, Plan B will break down and he will be able to manipulate you.

Was it this affair, or the last one, in which you stumbled across the secret affair phone? You need to spy on your H to see how and whether he still contacts OW. The strong likelihood today is that he is still doing so.

I think that two affairs in two consecutive years says a lot about your H's determination to have his fun. You should suspect the worst and act to protect yourself from an ongoing affair, and expose, snoop and stand up for yourself. You do not deserve to be treated this way.

Ahhh. That makes a difference. ST, why did you not implement MB principles back then?
Because your WH has learned from your actions. He has learned that he can get his needs met by other women and that you won't do anything about it. Is that what you want him to believe? Because that's what you've taught him.

See, when you found out about the first affair, the two of you never addressed the real problem behind the infidelity - that there were issues in your M that needed to be worked on. It sounds like you found out, got upset, he ended the affair, life went on. You can't recover a M that way. As you have now, sadly, discovered.

Some comments on your other post:


Your WH is currently having an A. Counselling will not work during an active A. Don't waste your time or money.


You've answered your own comment - YOU aren't comfortable. That's all you need. He needs to leave that job. Period. That has to be a condition of recovery.

ST, you're in a position many BS's would like to be in - your WH is still with you. He has not left you for another woman. Cake-eating, yes, he's doing that. But I believe that as long as two people are physically together they can recover. I always have hope. I think you can recover your M, but you have GOT to do this the right way!

Have you exposed this A to his employer?

ST, I will just be honest with you: you are not going to make it if you don't listen to us this time. You are already on affair #2 and if you don't start helping yourself, you are facing affair #3 and #4. And the next time, he may just leave you for her, if he doesn't leave you for this one.

The first thing is that it doesn't matter a tinkers DAMN if you are "comfortable" or not about him working with the OW, that is not the point. The point is that your marriage CANNOT RECOVER AS LONG AS DOES. He will be triggered every time he sees her.

So that is where I would start. I suspect the only thing that is going to wake him up is widespread exposure and a DEMAND that he leave that job and end all contact with the OW.

Please just follow the advice we gave you - that you didn't follow - for the LAST AFFAIR.

I just want to say I am sorry that you are here -- again. I'm fairly new here, so I don't have any advice except to say THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT !! There is NO excuse for anyone to have an A. I don't care what they are not getting from their marriage ... nothing is perfect -- we don't always get what we want ... There is no excuse and it is NOT your fault!!

So ST, are you ready to do the work and have a shot at recovering your marriage FOR REAL this time? It's not for the faint of heart, but with MB, the odds of success go way up.

How about it?

Welcome back to MB.

We have a saying in Texas that goes like this: fool me once, shame on YOU; fool me twice, SHAME ON ME.

My Dad always says that. He isn't even from Texas.
end t/j

ST-
As a FWW, I can tell you that if he won't send the NC letter, he doesn't want the A to end. That must happen immediately. Don't let him tell you he doesn't want to hurt the OW's feelings, or get her in trouble, or any other excuse. He should write it, and send it now.

Unfortunately, you will have to monitor him very closely for a long time. This will be frustrating to him and I can only imagine, difficult for you. However, it is essential.

Wow, that is eye opening - he is abusing me...