Politely say "NO THANKS!"

Tell her it is over. But some day if she does make some demonstrable changes, you might be willing to give it a second thought!

I know these changes will not happen overnight. They will likely take months or years to see and trust that they are sincere, real changes.

My plan would be to move forward with the D...I just can't imagine anything that she could say or do at this point to make me change my mind. I would not believe the sincerity of it. I just know that once we D, then it is most likely over for good. I don't think she would ever get over that.

I think the only other option would be to postpone the D and give her time to demonstrate she is sincere. The problem with this is the only way for me to know if she is sincere would be for her to move back to the house and observe her behavior. I think that is a bad bad idea.

I am just struggling with how to explain this to her, if she is telling me she realizes how bad she screwed up, we should try to work it out for the kids sake, she has a new perspective on life, etc. etc.

Ed, you really do not owe her any explanations. You gave it all to save the M, but at this point she is no M material.
You say politely and firmly: Thank you for wanting to try, but no.
If she keeps at it repeat the mantra. Thank you for wanting to try, but no.
blessings

As we say in TEXAS, talk is cheap!! She has not changed. This is just empty talk. Don't make any plans to accommodate her unless you SEE ACTION. And you need to see a long term demonstration of action.

I suspect this is all talk designed to manipulate you into stopping the divorce. If she is SINCERE, she will feel the same way AFTER the divorce and will devote herself to changing herself. If not, SHE IS NOT SINCERE.

Stick with your plan and stop allowing her to sidetrack you, Ed. This is nothing worth slowing down over.

Also, when we spoke earlier she gave me a feeling that she was going to make this difficult. She made the comment that, how is it fair that I get everything...the house, the kids, the neighbors, I hang out with her family still. I don't want things to turn into an ugly battle at this point, so I am going to try to be polite and nice when dealing with her.

So everything was filed with the court yesterday and my divorce should be final. I should probably get my post moved to the divorced forum. How do I do that?

I feel relieved and know I will be better off. My ex has introduced the kids to her OM which bothers me. She is also looking to buy a house with him in our neighborhood. I know there is nothing I can do to stop that, but it really upsets me.

I think that once the newness of him being around the kids wears off, she will go back to her usual angy, selfish, miserable, self. I know this is not my problem anymore, but it is somewhat upsetting.

Oh well, overall...very good news and I am happy this is just about over!!

LET'S CELEBRATE!!!

Mel<---- breathes a sigh of relief.....

So just an update on my situation...all papers were sent to the court a couple weeks ago, but the D is still not official. My stbx has talked to me a couple times over the past few days, asking if I'm sure this is what I want. She has offered to go on a retreat or see a counselor with me.

I have told her that I am still very skeptical and not ready to work on things at this point. Maybe in 6 months or a year I might feel different, but not right now. She says that if thats the case then she is moving on and not looking back. But if that I were to committ to working on things she would do the same.

I am pretty sure I am making the right move by telling her no thanks right now, based on everything that has happened. She is also still seeing OM, but says she does not want to cut things off unless we are going to work on our relationship. Its like she is holding onto OM as her back up plan.

I just want to be sure I am not making a mistake. I do feel bad for my kids and don't want to be divorced.

My thought is that if she is really serious, then she will give me time and try to make changes. She claims that the changes would need to be OUR changes and that she is not going to do it without me, so either we try to work on things together or forget it. Its like she is trying to put pressure on me by saying now or never.

Just looking for some advice and/or affirmation...

Just re-read the thread, Ed!

That should tell you she is not serious about changing, except as a manipulative TOOL to try and control you. Just tell her that you aer not interested in promises of change, but REAL CHANGE. Get back to you then. Talk is cheap, ED.

Its been a while since I posted, but there have been some recent events I wanted to share and get some feedback on. My D was finalized in early April. I went through a lot of emotions, but most recently haven been feeling anger towards my ex and the OM for what they did to our family. I did a lot of venting at my ex via text messages, e-mails, phone calls..

Well for whatever reason, now she is begging me to try to work on things. Saying she made a huge mistake and realizes it is her that needs the attitude adjustment. She says she misses me and the kids. She took me for granted and wants to try to fix things.

We are going to talk to a counselor tomorrow who is familiar with the book SAA and marriage builders concepts. I know I need complete transparency, no contact with OM, better communication with each other and the rest of the MB principles.

I feel like we never truly worked on things, so it is worth giving it a chance. We are divorced, so legally I have nothing to lose. Maybe it took being divorced for her to wake up and realize how bad she screwed up.

Just looking for some advice on the sitch...I know it will be a long road.

Re-marriage happens. If she's truly committed to changing and adopting limits, then I say dip your toes and see what happens.

But be skeptical and emphasize that actions speak louder than words.

So we are about a week in and so far so good. NC with OM from what I can tell. My xww has been in good spirits helping around the house and with the kids. Very little intimacy though. SF is not one of her ENs and she says that "there is no spark" and she just does not feel like having SF with me at the end of a long day. She does not want me "pawing" at her and just wants to sleep. She says sorry but thats just how I feel. I have a real problem with that attitude. I know this will take time to see change, but I'm not sure she can change with an attitude like this. I explained that SF and affection have always been ENs of mine and are even more so now because I am very insecure in our relationship. I have stopped making any attempt at SF with her.

Here is what concerns me though....everything seems fine and we are lving a pretty typical life as parents of a 6 and 3 yr old. The problem is that this is the exact life that she could not stand and had to get away from.

I am worried that we will be in the exact same place and repreat the same pattern as before. She says she has a new outlook and perspective on things and she wants this life. Is it possible that she left our marriage thinking the grass was greener and then realized it was not the case? Can she be happy with this life?? These are my worries...

Also, she busted me spying on her today. She told me she was swimming at the Y and then having lunch by herself. She saw me drive throught the parking lot checking to be sure her car was there. She says I am acting "psycho" and that this is a total turn off. I told her that her affair with OM was a total turn off for me and that I still do not trust her or believe her. She still has OMs contact info in her cell phone and old e-mails from him. She has pics of him on her computer too. This really bothers me and are obvious triggers.

Although I know she probably has his e-mail address memorized and cell number written down, so deleting these will not stop contact. I guess its more the principal than anything else.

My husband "busted me" last night doing my exercises. It was so terrible and I was so embarrassed!! He is so mad!

Ed, you need to set your own boundaries. What were your conditions for her to meet in order to resume the M, just moving back in? It sounds to me like you not only set the bar low, you have no bar.

Complete transparency is a must for R! Not only does she need to delete all of that inforrmation, she needs to change her cell # and e-mail address and give you complete access to all of that. You must continue to check up on her and she must welcome that accountability in order to prove to you that she is no longer being a devious WW. I would make counseling with the Harleys a condition of continuing the M if I were doing it over today.

Again what were YOUR conditions to allow her to return to the M?

God's Blessings,

Say

OK first thing....you need to DELETE everything! Phone number, emails, pix, old emails etc! If those things are still with her she will always think of the OM! So my next step would be to do that!

She does not need to think its "phys-co" that you are watching her making sure she is telling the truth, that is what needs to happen during a recovery, for you to have that reassurance she is not in contact with the OM, or lying to you, but until you delete everything about that OM, your Recovery will be FAKE!

Was it her decision to keep all of his contact info and pix? If so, then you are not in a REAL recovery.

When I came back home, I always wanted to be near my husband (wheels) I miss him all the time, and SF is number 3 for my EN, but even if it was number 8 I would still be filling that need for wheels, because for him its number 2 (hello! Men needs it!)and knowing that I am fulfilling one of his EN deposits into the $LB for both me and him. What wheels usually do is through out the day he sends me nice text msgs, tells me he loves me, how pretty I am, etc. What ever he did when we first started to date because that my friend will make your wife want to LOVE you and fulfill that EN.

Let us know what she says about deleting all of his information.

ok, Ed, I don't know what i am going to do with you. The fact that your wife has an issue with you spying on her tells me SHE IS WAYWARD!! WAYWARD!! A person who is sincere does not resent this.

Damn Ed, your divorced. She isn't attracted to you. Doesn't want SF. Still has her contact if (Photos and such). WHY would you go back to that. Is that what you want for your future. She is back for one reason. Security. It did not work out with the OM, so she needs a back up plan till she finds someone else. Dump her. Move on and find someone who will love you as first on their list. Not some back up plan.