((Chai))

Chai,

So good to read an update from you! Glad to hear the job is going well!

As for hoping for that meltdown in Affairland, remember that you do not know what is really going on in their world (and you don't need to know). We've all seen that more often than not, it's not the wonderful fantasyland we envision. Reality is setting in with the 2 of them even if there are no outward signs of issues.

However, know that I TOTALLY understand where you are coming from with that! Heck, I feel that way about Drac's current Ho, and she was only a contributor to the initial affair, not the actual OW.

The comment made about 'having nothing to do with that woman'. Merely another way to create someone to blame for something and perhaps rekindle the dying embers of the affair atmosphere. The fact that you are no longer engaged in anyway with him disables that ember from catching flame again. Good for YOU!

As you said, he figured out if he wants 'normal' things like seeing his grandchild, he has to play by the rules. That's REALITY.

3 out of 4 weekends to come to town to see DD equates to 3 out of 4 weekends that it's not just the happy couple all alone. Could mean there are issues or maybe not. Either way, he 'should' be involved with his daughter and grandchild's lives.

I understand the hurt of Miss Mullet being with your family like that. Having my kids around current OW is still a bit of a struggle for me. Unfortunately, there's not much we can do about it. The best answer is to continue to be the best example we can to our kids of how a classy, GODDESS lives her life!

You just focus on you. 11 months to go with the shop lease. You should pat yourself on the back, my dear! It wasn't that long ago you were worried of having to shut the doors for good. Now you are able to plan an ending for that part of your life.

You are ALREADY doing different things with new job, new classes, new activities. Personally, although it was such a dream for you, closing of the shop later this year may help bring another bit of closure for you. WXHs involvement and subsequent attacks on that venture would possbily continue to taint that dream for you.

You are already on your way to even bigger and better things.

Take care and keep us posted on how you are doing!!

Hi CL,

Doing some catching up, and happy to read an update from you (although we could already use another one).


Yep, that's how it goes...with news about WS (which is why the less, the better).

Another way though we sometimes contribute to aggravating this type of feeling is best described by Bugs. It has to do with our 'perception' that things are great in affairland....NOT (necessarily)!

I say Bugs is 'right on the money' (thanks Bugs)!




So howsabout another update, CL?

UPDATE:

Chia will always be one incredible classy lady! She is an inspiration to many.

Thanks for the vote of confidence Hope. You made my day.

Hey Luna, I really don't have much of an update. Have been trying to get my life sorted out a bit and trying to concentrate on the new job.

I passed XWH on the road a couple of weeks back. The strange thing was that I was 100 miles from here!! Very weird.

He was with DD again this weekend. DD said she isn't sure why all of the sudden he is in town so much.


From the recovery standpoint, I'm still doing good. A few bad days here and there, but overall good.

Little chaibaby is doing so well. DD is allowed to have him 15 hours a week now. I am not sure what will happen after the new baby is born. Judging from past behavior, she will leave the hospital and go on a binge. I am trying not to think about it now. I have already told child ptotective services that I will not take another baby. If she relapses, this one will go to foster care. Sad. I 've learned not to worry about all of it because I have done all that I can at this point. WH has been coming around, so maybe he will step in and take the new baby.

XWH take the new baby? Can't decide if that's a
or a
or maybe even a

I agree with Bugs...if he's all of a sudden taken an interest in DD and ChaiBaby, something's afoot in Affairland.

Not that it means anything to you, except that the "other shoe" you've been waiting to hear drop might not be so far away. And THAT might just provide "closure." Justice, too.

Apart from all that, it's so good to hear about the GOOD things in your life. You are one remarkable lady.

RTW,

XWH talks big, but has little action. He tells DD that he'll do this, that, and the other thing , but he lies a lot. I'm sure that's no surprise. He has told CPS that he would take chaibaby, but he hasn't knocked on anyone's door to pick him up yet.

Yes, sometimes I think "closure" is what the BS needs. I've felt like I haven't had closure. I guess going into a dark Plan B does that. But, at this point, what more could be said or done? If his A (or affairage) is falling apart it would do my heart good as justice might be served, but at the same time it would be a sad thing. So many sacrifices from so many people for so little to have been gained. In other words - all for nothing.

Anyway, it's onward and hopefully upward.

I don't think there's a BS who can't relate to this, except those who are hopelessly lost in bitterness and crave vengeance.

You're seeing this through objective eyes. Yes, objectively, it's been a total waste.

The truth is beyond that, though. It's a total waste even if he and Miss Mullet remain together, because they are broken people, incapable of a mutually rewarding relationship, whether they live under the same roof or not.

You have evolved so far past that, I doubt you and XWH could have so much as a simple conversation today, even if you wanted to. You don't speak the same language anymore. And that is all to your benefit.

I have thought about that, and I am not sure what I would even say to him if we ran into each other. We have seen each other only 3 times in 3 years, and that was all in court. We have not spoken to each other at all, even in court.

Today would have been our anniversary - 37 years. I'm a little sad about it. I think of everything that has been lost over this whole thing and it makes me sick. We lost probably between $50 - 100K because of selling our house in the bad economy, almost $100K in atty fees between the two of us, and I have lost almost my entire 401K between trying to support myself and then having to give him a big chunk of it. I try not to think about it, but sometimes I can't help it.

I just talked to DD and she says she will be with him again tomorrow, so he's in town again. But, I have to stop letting it get to me.

So, back to focusing on me. I have to stay on the path of personal recovery.

Howdy Chai!

As you and I and many on this forum and around the world know, divorce is a losing game. Nobody wins. I worry about my retirement now. I didn't have much of one yet, but my funds dropped down to about a third of their value in the last two years, not to mention me taking out funds to cover a household on my own. I am down to very little now. That was 10 years worth of saving!!! Sheesh.

There's a guy here at work who is just completing his D and has complained about how much money has been lost. He is still a bit bitter so he also complains about wasting his time staying with his ex. I haven't asked him any details of their breakup. I honestly don't wanna know. Divorce SUX!

I hope you are doing well otherwise. I feel better than I have in a long while. My mind is soooo much healthier. I sleep well at night, very few nightmares anymore, negative thoughts not surpassing the amount of positives I have. I dunno, I just feel better with every passing day.

Hey Chai! Those anniversary dates can be a trigger, but as SL said -



That is a good place to be. Being a bit better with every passing 'anniversary' date, which it seems you are, IS great progress.

It's okay that there are still days that you may not noticeably feel a bit better and others in which you are able to experience great joy. It's called 'life'. And you are living yours!


So, tell us about the new job?! Meeting new folks? Going new places?

Hi Chai,

I know how hard you take those anniversaries. Your pillar of strength is awesome. I wish you would come out here soon so we could spend some fun girlfriend time.

When is the 2nd baby due?

SL, Bugsy,

Just like both of you, I am better with each passing month, but sometimes I start thinking about things and get too caught up in it.

Today DD was with XWH and they took chaibaby to the park, shopping etc. They had a blast and now I have a sick baby tonight. He has been up on and off with a fever, vomiting, diarrhea etc.

It just pi$$es me off. He has been gone for almost 5 years, wasn't here when DD was deep in the addiction and really needed help, wasn't here when chaibaby was a newborn and I really needed help, wasn't here for anything over the last few years, and now he wants to come back be the fun guy.

And again, he takes off and I'm left picking up the pieces. I'm sure they loaded chaibaby up with all kinds of junk food today and didn't let him get a nap.

DD showed me a picture of chaibaby going down the slide with XWH and another one where he was letting chaibaby drive the truck. It was just a big trigger for me.

Maybe I am going through that 6 month emotional milestone that I hear about. It's been six months since court. I was really doing well and it seems like I have relapsed over the last few weeks. I seem to be going through some kind of a resentment phase.

DD made a comment that they won't see him again for a long time, if ever. I don't know what that meant and didn't ask. I am just better not hearing anything about him. GGRRRRR

Queenie, I would love to come out sometime. Once I catch up on bills etc. I will seriously consider it.

OK, going to try to get some sleep before chaibaby wakes up again. Oh, and Queenie, the new baby is due July.

Do NOT and let me repeat, do NOT let DD play you on this emotioinal rollercoaster. I do not know where she is with any type of recovery, but I DO know that she has a history of playing your emotions (both intentionally & unintentionally). Do NOT get in that sand box!!

I've never been one that has put any stock into the 'timelines' of when we are supposed to feel what. I'm sure there is some sort of 'typical' timeline and rhyme/reason to it all. I just have better things to do with my time than to put my feelings/emotions/reactions into that kind of a box. I feel what I feel, when I feel it, and that is difficult enough for me.

Allow yourself to feel what you feel when you feel it and give yourself permission. It's OK!!
Ther is NO *right* or *wrong* here. You get to be YOU and that's the BEST person to be.

I KNOW it hurts to see and hear about them from your kids. DAMN him for leaving you the hardest parts of life. But ya know what? If you were still married,,,,would it be any different? Would *HE* be dealing with DD's issues, or would you? Would he be supportive or would YOU be handling everything?

Would she even really 'care' about him being there or is it a convenient play on your emotions? I just get the feeling that he was absent for a long, long time from both of your lives - even before he left. By your own words, those are some of the deepest of DD's issues.

Honey, the BEST thing you can do for you and for DD is to be YOU. and that YOU is one AMAZING woman and Mother! Stop doubting. Keep believing!

Agree with Bugs.
The mere fact that DD showed you all the pictures from the day shows she is trying to manipulate you. Addicts are all manipulators. Smart addicts, which I suspect your DD is, given her higher education, etc., are even more dangerous. It's so sad for the chaibaby to be pulled around in all this, but you shouldn't get caught up. When is DD's baby #2 due?

Your DD needs to understand that CB it is not a competition, it is a small human being. I agree that she may be doing this to manipulate.
.."See what grandpa does?" and stuff.

Does not DD understand the consequences for you? (when she drags xwh into your life?). She is either dumb as a box 'o rocks, - which I do not beleive- or there is another dynamic going on here.

You may want to consider this, not to trigger about xwh, but the motive behind DD's insistance on telling you about him.


JMHO - I may be way off base, too.

Hey SL,

Yes, for the most part I am getting there. I'm also sleeping better and feel better most days too.
And there are days that I am really quite happy, but like most of us the triggers are still there. You know, the ones that put that dark cloud right over our heads. Man, where do those come from? When they happen, they happen within seconds.

Anyway, XWH is with DD and chaibaby again today. That makes 6 (possibly 7) of the last 8 weekends. Something is suspicious. I doubt Miss Mullet moved here and left her big family. Not happening.

Man, I hate to think all of this destruction was for nothing.

Right now, XWH is in town and throwing around money so the loyalty has shifted. When he doesn't call and doesn't show up, he's a piece of $%^#. And the addict mentality is that you "go" wherever you can "take". DD is a taker, not a giver. And no, she doesn't get it that I don't want to hear anything about him.

It just makes me mad. He wants to waltz back in and be ther hero now that all of the hard work is done.

I found out a little from DD today. Just had to ask. XWH has been here for two months now. Looks like he might have to get a desk job. She says he is having trouble with his hands and legs, and can barely walk. From the sound of it, he may be on disability before too long.

She also said that she felt sorry for him because he had no friends and is lonely. I asked about his good friends in OPs state and she said he doesn't go there anymore. Hmmmm.

So later she told me that he will come to the hospital when the new baby is born, even if I'm there because he will put our "differences" aside. I told her that I don't have any "differences" - he left me for Miss Mullet plain and simple. She said she didn't think that was doing too well and that Miss Mullet doesn't come here much anymore.

All of the past 4 years have resulted in everything being lost for what? Nothing. I'm still not sure if he M her or not, but it looks like maybe not at this point.

So, possibly another A bites the dust after the D is final. Seems like it happens a lot around here. Add me to the stats folks.

I don't have any great words of wisdom like so many have to offer around here. We lost, Chai...in many ways...BUT, thank God...life goes on and if we so choose, we heal along the way. It's not for nothing unless you choose to stay mired in the muck.

You have double trouble with your daughter. She has not one loyal bone in her body right now. She won't until she chooses to seek help. You recognize that...however painful it is.


At a certain point on my path with the Z, I realized that his A's would end, especially when he no longer had me to fuel them. And they did. I was more concerned with the fact that I wanted us to change, HIM to change...didn't happen. A or not, he was still a destructive human...and I wanted nothing of it. To this day, he will not shoulder the responsibility for his own choices. He wants me to be the scapegoat. So sad, really. What a maroon!

Despite the things the Z did, to me, to our family (no longer OUR family), my life is good. Getting out of that house was one of the best things I did. My life is looking up, and revenge is now the last thing on my mind. Life has it's own way of exacting that, in ways I never could...so I leave it to the powers that be to teach the Z what he needs to know...

Take care of you, Chai, cuz you matter.