I thought I had a wonderful marriage. My husband travels extensively for several months out of the year. About two months ago, he was on the road for business. He had just found out that he had been snubbed for a promotion. So, I was calling & texting him often that day to help him stay encouraged. At 12:16am, his phone called my phone (by accident), and I heard him and a woman alone in a room. I listened for several minutes, and while I couldn�t make out the conversation, it sounded very intimate.

I confronted him immediately (on the phone), and he was silent. Then, when I asked him what was going on, he said �I don�t know�. I don�t know.� I was shell-shocked. When he came home, he told me that he was really drunk and he didn�t know for sure whether or not something happened. She told him that nothing happened. Whatever� He said that she was an old friend who he used to have a sexual relationship with but it ended before we met. And, they reconnected when she emailed him a couple of years ago. He said that she lived in another city about 6 hrs away. I told him that I would be willing to forgive him and move forward in our marriage if he would do the following: (1) attend a marriage conference with me (The Weekend to Remember); (2) wear his wedding ring all the time (he got out of the habit of wearing his replacement ring a couple of years ago, after his original wedding ring was stolen); (3) go to marriage counseling; (4) agree to STD testing immediately; and (5) call the woman right then and there so that I could talk to her. He did attend the conference. But, he left for about two hours at one point to take a nap in the car because he said he was sleepy. He angrily agreed to wear his wedding ring and said that he would resent me for it if he wore it. And, it took him a few weeks to even begin wearing it. He went to one marriage counseling session and said that he had fulfilled his duty. He did get the STD testing. And, he would not agree to let me speak to the woman or to call her in my presence because he said the issue is between me and him.

Since that time, I have kept my heart open towards reconciliation even in spite of other things that have happened (e.g., him telling me that he wouldn�t even be married to me if it weren�t for our children, telling me that he wants to have the same lust for me that he has for other women, telling me that I deserve to be happy and he doesn�t think he can make me happy, etc.). It�s like he�s schizophrenic or something. This is not the man that I married.... He seems like he's having a nervous breakdown half the time (e.g., on the verge of tears sometimes, happy other times, angry other times).

About two weeks ago, he told me that he cut off the relationship with the OW. And, he read me the email message that he had sent her to end things. He told me that he didn�t want to end that �friendship,� but that he did it for me and he resented me for it. WTH?!? Then, about a week ago, I happened to be near his computer (seriously�.. I wasn�t even snooping), and I saw all of these text messages to several different numbers. I looked at them and realized that he had set up a �secret� phone number (via Google Voice) in which he had been corresponding with several women. Most of the messages were very intimate (e.g., Miss you, etc.), and some were downright sexual� (�Don�t forget to bring the KY. You�re going to need it.�) He tells me that these are just friends and that they just talk a lot of stuff but that he �swears before God that nothing has happened with them.� The fact that he has these secret friends and a secret phone number demonstrates that there is something that he was trying to hide. I told him that those relationships are completely inappropriate and they would have to end for us to really move forward. I also reiterated the need for ongoing marriage counseling. Before leaving the country on business last week, he said �there�s gotta be a way that I can continue these friendships� and he also said that he wouldn�t go to marriage counseling. Then, I looked at his cell phone bills and found that in February, March & April, he was having very, very long conversations almost daily with a woman who has an area code that�s in the city in which we live. (I called the number and heard a woman's voice on the voicemail.)While their conversations have been much more infrequent in the past two weeks, I�m not sure if that�s because he�s been home and there hasn�t been much opportunity or what.

His travel time is kind of on hiatus for the next few months (with the exception of his current trip). And, I�m a stay-at-home mom. So, I�m with him throughout the day trying not to deplete his LB; cooking, cleaning, making myself available to talk, etc. But, I just don�t know how much more I can take. Either he needs to decide that he wants to move forward in this marriage (e.g., marriage counseling, ending his secret life, cutting off secret friendships with other women), or I�m prepared to ask him to leave. I know it�s only been two months. But, the stress is killing me. I actually became gravely ill and was hospitalized due to a condition that I know was triggered by stress.

I love my husband. He's a good man. He says that I'm the best wife he ever could have asked for. We had a wonderful marriage and we have a beautiful family. I don't want my family to fall apart....

So, now, I�m at the point where I�m wondering�. Do I tell a couple of his close friends (men of faith) so that they can try to talk to him about what�s at stake? Do I give him one last opportunity to go to counseling, be transparent with email passwords & cellphone codes, etc. before moving to Plan B? I�m so confused�. Praying for God to lead my steps�..

You have to make some tough things happen, I'm afraid.

First, you need to find out the name of the OW he has been having the long conversations with. Then, you have to do some snooping on him, and do NOT tip him off that you are checking on things. Look for credit card bills, emails, (you already have phone calls), and any other things like that which you could track to him having contact with her.

Credit card transactions might include things where he might have bought dinner for her, sent flowers, etc. The emails you have would be good, too, if you have anything on this one woman, print them out. (Print out the other stuff too).

Download a keylogger to your computer so you can track things. There are specifics on the thread "Spying 101".

Get a voice-activated recorder and put it in his car if you can, so you can capture calls he makes when you are not with him.


After you have information that you know incriminates him as being in either a physical or emotional affair, you will have to confront him with the evidence. This is very difficult, but you have to do it. The confrontation can be calm, and you need to prep for that - calmness. Tell him that you WANT to save the marriage, but that you cannot do it with other women in the picture.

Whatever you do, DO NOT TELL HIM ABOUT MARRIAGE BUILDERS until the time is right. This is your safe place, and until he is on board for a REAL recovery, he is not trustworthy.

Once you have confronted him:

EXPOSE THE AFFAIR TO EVERYONE IN YOUR FAMILY, HIS FAMILY, AND YOUR MUTUAL FRIENDS.

That is the toughest thing you will ever do. It will also be the most effective weapon in your arsenal. He will be angry. He will say he will never forgive you.


He will get over his anger.

He will ultimately forgive you.


Your marriage can survive his anger.

It cannot survive his other women in the marriage.


Start snooping. Get your undeniable evidence gathered, and get yourself ready to expose his affairs. Get your strength together, because this is NOT EASY.

SB

The friends....will want proof.....do not WARN your husband that you plan to expose him, because he will run to his friends and tell then that you are crazy and making stuff up, that you are paranoid and he can't make you stop with the accusations.


Do not warn him.
Do not warn him.
Do not warn him.

Ohhhhh.....and it is WAY too soon for Plan B. Stick on Plan A, get your proof, and expose his affairs.

You may not even need to go to plan B. You never know.

Agree 100% with Schoolbus here. You need to lay down at least a small foundation of Plan A prior to going Plan B anyway. You need to expose quickly too. Plan it out, but it needs to be done.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2370240#Post2370240

The link above is a thread for new betrayed spouses. (BS)
Read all the links, when you have time. But, do it ASAP.

NEVER share this MB stuff with an active wayward spouse (WS).
It is way too early for Plan B.

You must do an awesome Plan A .... Not for a long time, and if the adultery continues, plan B.

It all takes planning.

Sorry you are here.

WELCOME TO MARRIAGE BUILDERS
A place where we help you build your plans, and support you in your efforts.

Any suggestions on how I can find out the OWs name (ideally without the expense of hiring a PI)? I have her cell phone number. I've been trying to get into my husband's email account to learn info that way. He's overseas for work right now. I just learned about racy text messages with sexual overtones right before he left. So, I told him that I need a little time to think, process & pray. I'm thinking about just asking him for his email password. But, I know he'll be reluctant to give it to me (if he does it at all). His response has always been that I have to trust him. I'm wondering if it's worth asking. And, I don't want to initiate a love buster or tip him off that I'm looking around....

I've been thinking about downloading a remote keylogger to access his keystrokes right now (even while he's away). But, I'm concerned about the legality of that because his computer is not his/ours; it's issued by his company.

Any thoughts? Other suggestions? Thanks in advance!

get the KEY LOGGER!

Do NOT get the keylogger for a computer that belongs to a company he is employed for.

That is not legal, and if you want to understand why, read my recent thread.

F&T, I WOULD put the keylogger on his work laptop in a heartbeat. There is always a risk you might get caught and you have to be willing to take that risk. I have had one on my H's work laptop off and on over the past 10 years and the worst thing that ever happened is it was caught in an anti-virus sweep and removed. I have not known anyone here in the last 9 years who has had any legal problems but I do know scads of people who uncovered affairs and who rebuilt trust in their marriages.

I WOULD take the risk, but you have to decide for yourself. I can think of many things that are worse than going to jail and that is the hell of uncertainty that could be cleared up real quick with a keylogger.