Hi,
This is my first post here. I have read His Needs Her Needs and really understand it. My husband met OW Jan 16th on Facebook poker. She is 32 married 1D-5 lives in Ontario--her marriage had troubles for a while. For 1-2 weeks it was more platonic-She approached him and sucked him in. He is the shyest person and I know it was her. She is supposedly such a good, caring, Christian who started this emotional affair my H. Our marriage had only had troubles a couple of months--circumstances--My H got a lower paying job 1 hour commute shift--1:00 pm-9:30 pm. Not condusive for family time at supper and talking to kids etc...I was jobless--I left a stressful teaching position 2 yrs. ago--with my husband's urging--this was 8 months before ALCOA major plant and H's best job announced its lay-offs closing. We used all of my retirement and his to live and pay mortgage etc....Anyway the money ran out right before December. My H was stressed, didn't feel like I was a partner, I felt like a failure for not finding a job and got depressed and focused on sewing crafts to cope with my own feeling of low self esteem. These problems really worsened AFTER he started confiding in OW about their mutual crappy spouses and unhappy lives. OW immediately started calls, texts, and sent a card to my house to the whole family! Then he had her send stuff to his mom's mail. This continued secretly online technology. He went to Canada 4 days to meet her Mar. first week. After that she sent him an expensive gold necklace--that he said his mom had and gave him.. He starts working out, losing weight, eating healthy all thanks to the homewrecker. Fantasy affair. April she came her for 7 days stayed in hotel while some days he worked--all along saying he was gone for "training" I was suspicious and asked when his demeanor became meaner--before necklace about cheating several times--lied and denied each time. That week her here in TX they had sex. She convinced him to come home tell me, move,in w/mom, and ask for divorce--3 months only after initial contact. @ short hotel stays---anyway I was blindsided beyond belief--2anyway he had a planned trip to Cananada for 9 days in Mmid-may I filed for divorce prior to that to ensure support and no more spending money, etc...TX has no legal sep--divorce is it.
I ABSOLUTELY regret my traumatic decision to do this 2 weeks from D-Day. Pushy lawyer intimidated me--anyway. Today is 30 days since filing. 2 @ months of separation. However, I do believe he still loves and has feelings for me. We have had sex 8 times and talked and he has helped me to deal with it. PROBLEM this OW is a jealous, insecure, low self esteem [censored] who texts him constantly and has him totally whipped that he will lose her if he is with me. She still lives w/H kid.
I am going to see him to talk tonight at mom's after work--he was sweet today since it was the the date--anyway. Her massive jealousy and possessiveness--I can tell are starting to bug him. Even though I have sent 3 emails to her--last one I confessed all of his lies and sex to her---he was going to stop all contact with me. I lost it. So she paid his way up to canada Memerial day weekend. She has tightened the noose. I am making progress letting go--still want as a friend and parent for my kids---I love him tho--How should I act tonight. I told him no sex(I have been the one seducing him--he has a very hard time being around me--and not you know--anyway he is trying to be loyal to the cheater...
I think this part MLC midlife crisis financial escapism says it was was not physical or sex or her age or money--it is how she makes hom feel HAPPY!
He is 43 I am 44 together 24 yrs. 3 kids two at home Boy-19 boy-15 girl-13. How do I handle this w/o him knowing that I still love him I have got to regain his trust. If he could come home--I know with help we could make it

Hi
I have to leave in 1 hour to see him. Would love any advice before that. Thank you so much. Also, I do think they are love addiction--stage 1-moving 2 tho. I doubt it has been as much fun sinces spouses know now. I have made boundary that he only tells my the TRUTH--no lies from now on. I think he is--although He is trying not to analyze the A--like I am. For them to even be together after divorces--he has to move there--leaving kids, me family all here. Major life change--I know it will self-destruct the less fantasy and more real it is--but my H is stubborn--makes his mind up and hard to change(even if he has doubts)No counseling no one to talk to him objectively about what he is doing is assinine. Yes, I have realized I am codependent and am working on the control issues and low self-estem anxiety etc....

Welcome to MB

Have you exposed the affair to the OWH? What about to his mother? Exposure is part of the carrot of plan A and will help kill the affair by shining the light on it.

Filing D is not necessarily a bad thing if it protects you and your kids financially and can be stopped. Fast advice is get the book "Surviving An Affair" by Willard Harley, read up on the basic concepts at the top of the page and EXPOSE the affair to anyone with any influence on him or her.

Thanks,
I have no way to contact OWH--I have a letter typed if an email or address ever turns up. I believe he knows and accepts it to some extent. Sexless marriage--separate bedrooms---Not like my H and I at all--much more minor issues--thean OW's. SHE was looking for a an exit affair--I believe. Her mother friends, daughter all know--no one to expose. My h--all family etc..knows. I think that by our separation/divorce and hers eventually--it makes it less adultery--not to me. It starts as an affair--it will be an affair based on secret lies deception leaving families/breaking the apart for selfish narcissistic reasons.

For example--she is this possessive, insecure hyper-jealous witch, because my H told her our sex life had never been a problem. She on the other hand, I am willing to bet my H is her 2nd man after H to have sex with. She strikes me as arrested adolescent development--married at 17 for 15 yrs. Like a love-sick infatuated teen--at one point she weighed 300 pounds! Issues there--Jenny Craig about 150s now. 5'6. I am 5'9 and due to all of this have dropped 30 pounds to 155. We were 21 20 and he had finished technical school and I finished degree after marriage--much more mature start in my opinion.

Have you read all of the information on this site? I know how angry you are the POSOW. The problem is, your WH is 100% responsible for HIS affair.

DON NOT BELIEVE ONE WORD THAT YOUR WH SAYS TO YOU. He is a LIAR.

Here is a thread to help the newly BS.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2370240#Post2370240

You should read it from beginning to end and click on ALL of the links.

Now as far as exposure, how do you know about everyone knowing? If it is because WH told you, HE IS LYING. You see, he is, as we call them around here, a CAKE-EATER. That means that he wants to have you AND OW. That is REALLY a good thing for you. These concepts work very well on a cake eater.

I will tell you right now, you are NOT dealing with an EA. This is a PA. I am sorry to tell you that. I am also sorry to tell you that he has had SF with her MANY times. I am only telling you this so you can deal with it.

Have you tried to google OW? Do you know her address? You need to find OWH and you need to tell him. It sounds fishy that your WH would say this about their marriage. I suspect that OW would NOT want her BH to know about what she is doing. In Canada, it is no fault. Only, you need to be separated for 1 year before you can be divorced, unless there is adultery involved. There may be a reason that she doesn't want her BH to know about her ugly disgusting affair. My guess is it is financial or something to do with her kids.

You need to get into Plan A and do both the carrot and the stick. If you have any questions after you have read through the thread that I linked, feel free to ask. This board can be really slow on the weekends so don't be discouraged.

Welcome to MB and I am sorry that you are here.

Welcome to MB - sorry you are here, but this is the place to be in your situation.

First - take a deep breath. Remember to breath and think. Don't react to emotions. This is an extremely emotional time, but you have to use your head and follow the program. You cannot react on feelings, as that won't help in the long run (even if it does make you feel better temporarily).

I completely agree with Scotland - your husband is a wayward and therefore a liar. You CANNOT trust a single word he says. There is no way that all those people know about OW's PA with your WH. Your WH is gaslighting you (that means he is lying to you throw you off his trail).

When I google my WH's OW, I found not only her name, but her entire family tree. That made exposure to her parents pretty easy. Expose to every family member and friend of hers that you can find. Expose to your husband's family and his friends, too. You must first prepare yourself, though. Gather the evidence, gather the contact information. Then you hit everyone all on one day (or maybe across a couple of days), but you hit them all as fast as you can. The idea is to create a nuclear explosion of knowledge against your WH and OW. Remember to only state facts (no emotions).

Keep looking around on this site and reading other threads, too. Everything will help you.

Keep posting so we can help you. Good luck!