We didn't split because I was seeing someone, but I did begin to shortly thereafter. BIG mistake. The former "friend" he is now dating was actually one of my main supporters and they "bonded" while she tried to help him through some tough spots (at the time I was grateful as I couldn't even fathom where that would end up) when we first split.

It's crazy that I don't feel jealous, but I don't. Before, I took that as confirmation that I don't have the necessary feelings for him, but I wonder if I'm wrong in interpreting it that way.

inapickle

One this marriage can be saved.

You and your WH will need to go NC with the OW, your BF/OW2, and you with your OM.

You and your family will need to move far enough way to prevent your OM's and WH OW's from ever accidentally running into these people. Also this great distance will be needed to act as a deterent from these OP's coming around on fishing expeditions.

I feel that the NCs with all of them would not be a problem at all. He's a pretty jealous guy and I am afraid that the fact that I've been involved with other men may become a bigger problem than any we've ever had. I don't feel jealous now, but if my feelings return, will I? (I'm asking myself this more than anything) I worry that there will be so much new negativity on top of the old stuff that got us to the point of separation in the first place, that we won't have a chance. It seems like our chances now are less than they were before, so it's hard to believe that I'd be doing the right thing by halting the divorce process and giving him a reason to hope again.

You don't have to HALT the divorce process, per se. It takes 7 months after all (in your estimation). That's one heck of a long time, but not much compared to the time you have invested in each other. During the Mediation procedures, if YOU decide it's worth a try (and IMO, ML's encouragement is tremendously weighty) it seems like your H would be willing. I would present it as humbly as possible and let him know you intend to try the one program that has worked for many folks, for real; I doubt that would break his heart.

I'm in mediation - started Feb 22 with WW. Things are going well, but I have considerable animosity towards her and truly feel in my heart of hearts it was never a marriage that should have happened. [very tough to come to that determination]. HOWEVER, [b]if[/b] she came to me begging on hands and knees and committed to trying MB, and MB only, with all of her heart, 100%, I would consider trying to reconcile.

Are you catching my drift IApickle? I'm down the road from you in some ways, but I believe in MB.

opt

IAP...you are properly named hon...seems to me that trust is thoroughly broken;"your family",the OW (former friend) are spending vacation together and WH doesn't want the divorce to go through??? ...sounds to me like things are not all "out in the open"...and he mightbe jealous about other men with you...Just one question: What foundation do you have to reestablish and build trust on if he is not any more willing; you both have had other relationships The counselors question was in error and out of line. Wrong question. IF he had really NOT wanted divorce; WHY is he dating; and your "FORMER" friend at that???

Yes, you are wrong. The reason you don't feel anything is because you fell out of love. But we already knew that. That is what this program can turn around.

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This program will eliminate the negativity, though. That is the first step. That is one of the reasons you couldn't fall in love.

The ideal situation for you would to be in love with your husband. He is the most logical person for you to be with. You have history with him and he is the father of your children. No one else can be those things for you. No one. The way you fall in love is to:

1. spend 15+ hours per week of undivided attention meeting the top 4 needs

2. avoid all lovebusters ["negativity"]

3. learn how to use the policy of joint agreement, eliminating stupid practices like sacrifice anad compromise

Are you still seeing him?

When you first posted you sounded so 'vague' about why you were splitting (aside from your WH's A) that I wondered if there was OM in the picture....

If you are still seeing OM, you should know that this would severely cloud your vision and your feelings for your H, and of course make you unsure about your M.

Did you split up because you WANTED to see this person? Did you know this person before you split? What was your relationship with him before you split?

Thanks for all of the replies. They are all very helpful.

Just to answer a a couple of questions and clear up something that I might have made sound confusing.....

My former friend isn't the OW that he had affairs with years ago, in case I mistakenly made it sound that way. This friend has been a friend for years (since high school and we are now 37) but had just recently been spending time with my sister and myself and eventually our husbands and kids. She was there for birthday parties and family functions. This is how they met, but I don't for one second suspect that there was anything going on before I left him. That's not coming from the mindset of a naive, in denial gal, either. After having my gut instinct confirmed repeatedly in this regard, I trust it implicitly and I don't feel that anything developed until after the split. Still, it's kinda gross to me. Not sure it's worth a possible future with our family intact, though. I think I could get past it.

ML, just wanted to clarify that I didn't leave because I wanted to see anyone else. I met a man shortly after I left and we hit it off, so to speak. We parted on friendly terms and my husband knows that it's over. I am currently in contact with an old male friend who now lives out of state and we have gotten together a couple of times, but it is more of a friendship than anything and I know that it's something I need to put an end to until I figure out what the future of my marriage is to be. I have no problem doing so, but will do so kindly and honestly. No contact unless a decision is made to end the marriage, and even then, I want to spend a significant amount of time alone. I should have done that right out of the gate.

Thanks for the clarification, iap. Let me know if you decide to salvage this. It is very salvagable, I will tell you that.

Something else to consider is how hard it will be start over with someone new. Second marriages with children from former marriages have an 85% divorce rate, for example. It is extremely hard on kids. When you weigh this out, I would take that into consideration.

Thanks again, MelodyLane. The statistic you cite in your post above is one of the many reasons I stayed for 7 years when I really didn't want to be there. I do (and did) know that the grass certainly isn't greener.

Pickle, I think you sound pretty grounded considering.

Just take your time to decide what is right for you. There are people who divorce and actually remain friends, even though they both agree they are much better off divorced. I've met one or two. Good luck.

Good luck to you, too, GG. I appreciate your comments and enjoy reading the sound advice you give to many others. I wish you much happiness.

I just had a sobering thought that about knocked me out of my shoes.

What if she were to get pregnant??

There would no longer be a decision to make. I think I'm gonna puke.

Greengables, I sent you an email - I hope you don't mind.

hey inapickle, if you get a chance, go listen to the last quarter of the radio show today. They discuss marriages that are headed towards divorce. I didn't get to listen to the whole thing, but they believed that most marriages could be saved. Just click on the radio show link at the top.

Thanks for that, ML.

So, it's over. We are going through with the divorce and it was a mutual decision.

I don't know why I feel so totally stunned right now. I guess it's the finality of it all. I feel like I've been drunk for 10 months and just sobered up to the most harsh reality I've ever dealt had to face.

Ouch! This stings.

Thanks to everyone for your great advice. I'm sure I'll be seeking more in the future.