I'm woundering how many others were in denial that their marriage was ending... I keep on puting myself through hope, loss of hope and grief, coupled with lots of waiting. I've done this for years. I just realized I've been in denial, and I'm trying to get comfortable with the idea that I need to file for divorce. Anyone ele going through this or that has gone through it?

I feel a sence of calm, but I'm sad and dissapointed

NL2, I was in a similar situation for years - I think being in some form of denial was actually necessary because I wanted to stay until my daughter was older. Now that I've left, there has even been some denial, I guess. I think reality hit a few days ago when we attended mediation. Having to sit down and discuss division of assets, child custody and visitation, and other issues was like doing an autopsy on our 15+ years together and was extremely painful and ended any denial there was.

Now I'm confused and wondering if I've done the right thing. For the last 9 months I was pretty sure I had. (I gave a pretty detailed history in my thread about being confused after mediation if that helps any) I plan on discussing this with my counselor before furthering the process. Luckily, I have a little time.

Are you sure there's no hope in your situation? Is the denial truly denial or is it uncertainty?

By the way, I absolutely love the line in your signature!

Oh wow, no it's denial... We reconsiled for another year but I moved out again 9 months ago, the OM/ mother of his oc from the affair started dateing and he couldn't handle it. When he was being rashional he knew he was acting on false feelings and out of fear but he started staying over night there again and took 2 vacations with her and their child last summer. At the same time as not letting me go, right to the day I moved out. 2 weeks after he had a light bulb moment, but that was after he had her move in. I empathized with him and told him ok, I love you clean up your mess. And he's been stringing me along since, did nothing only words.

3 weeks ago we had 2 very long talks, it was great, talked it all out and action was to start that week. Then he said he messed up so bad and we should just end it.... Then a few days after that he's so regretful I'm the only one he ever wanted etc let's talk etc.., then all comunication ended except about the kids. I obsesivly texted him beging to talk, etc, he ignored me, on the phone even just 3 days ago I said are we really going to pretend that nothing happened? That all this time we weren't planing reconsiliation. He said no I'll call you and in responce to the question are you still wanting this he said yes. Still nothing. Come to find out from our teenage son who knows nothing of our plans for reconsiliation, and who has visits with his father and ow along with our other children. That his father and her have this new big buisness plan together, that they plan on moving closer etc....

So it's like my marriage just ended in silence and the under the guise of keeping me holding on. I've been in denial he is lost and our chances are gone he's building a new life without me and he's not even telling me, lol... It's crazy, I've done this to myself

Don't beat yourself up for trying to give your marriage a chance and not giving up. I don't see it as a sign of weakness, but of strength, to be honest.

Are you in counseling?

Read this;

Detachment- great free reading at livestrong.com

Detachment does not mean "stop loving" few people realize this. It stops you from the cycle of poor choices.

I hear you... good luck.

I was in a whole lot of denial on the inside. Fantasized about a reconsiliation, him hating the OW and begging my forgiveness. Him finally feeling guilt or regret for years of abuse. None of it will ever happen, but I don't think it hurt me much to hope, as long as I kept on doing what I was doing on the outside: working, looking great, being a great mom, building a great social life, never calling him, emailing, texting or crying.

Of course all that came after I learned of the affair. Prior to that I was in denial about things, cried, etc. Once I knew exactly what was going on and why, I was determined to keep my denial and pain to myself and put on a good face. It helped to be able to accomplish that. (Even tho on the inside I still want to die a little, and feel painfully lonely and rejected.)

Hey guys thanks alot. I'm not going to be able to address you all individually because I'm typing on my phone but I wanted to comment on a few things.

One point brought up by one of you is that denial helped you in away by keeping yourself from loosing it. I can relate, I feel like the hope I felt after every breakup in a way was like a protection of sorts. There might have been some things I was in denial about but honestly the process of this all did help me a great deal once upon a time. So I understand what your saying, though I don't feel like I'm there anymore and haven't been for some time.

Now detachment, ah well that has certainly been a process. I little part died everytime a promise was broken, or truth was revealed etc. My current life has nothing to do with my h but it seems I'm greiving not about the lost past but a lost future. Sure I'm working on myself, got a new career I'm going back to school too and I'll be able to have a good life without him, but I'm dealing now with the realization that there is no hope.

There was allways hope.

No, no counceling, I'm long past the need to understand the why's. This has been over 8 years. I was on forums so long ago for many years, including this one, just forgot my old name. But the ending part, well the feeling of this nothing between us the feeling like dam I've been letting him wean himself of off me is a little un nerving.

There's allways been a hmm I'm going to go with the flow and see what happens. Let him deal with his issues and be there for the man who I love and who says loves me.And now I'm feeling the weight of responsiblity to end my mariage the thing I've fought and sacrificed for, cause you know I don't think he will do it. It's to easy to just let me drift along beliveing that everything he says is gold and also the added bonus of me not being on the market.

I'm going to need sometime to get used to this idea I think.I've protected him for so long from loosing me, well I've tierd myself out. If he's not on board I'm kinda happy he's just cut all contact from me because it's sending a very clear message without saying anything. It hurts it's suprising but it is helping me too in a weird way.

I just never thought I would be at the point I am, I'm not mad, and I love him but you know the otherday when he said our relationship was fubar because of him etc, I didn't by it. But now I do...

It's not that it's fubar because of the past, it's fubar because of the present, his abandement, inaction. I'm done making excuses for him in my head.

I'm going to have a great life and he's choosing not to be apart of that, so I need to get comfortable with making that offical. I was commited to our marriage I just need to get commited to ending it. At this point I think it's in both our best interests, never thought I would say that and with no real emotion

It sounds as if you may just be getting to the stage of acceptance, NL2. Do you think that might be the case? I've never thought of acceptance as being a particularly uplifting or even comfortable stage - quite the opposite, in fact.

Yes that's where I'm at exactly, it is uncomfortable

To add another few thoughts... I was reading another thread here just a moment ago and it really touched me.

I'm a totally different person then I was 8 years ago, well I supose everyone is but this experiance has made me such a better person in every way. I've grown beyond what I would have with the normal course of life and when we did reconsile the last time I was dissapointed to find that in the ways both big and small my h hadn't. Sure he changed in some very nice ways and was so encouraging at the time, but there was no pertection for me or us.

I've been fighting the tide for so long, waiting for him to catch up with my growth. Thought for a moment recently that perhaps he did, then he showed me that was not the case.

It took me 8 years with focus to get where I am, so hmm it seems to me it would take him just as long to get it maybe longer? Without focus never... I am not a priority, I've had to meet my own ENs. I think too I'm having issues with feeling like it's mean to give up, even though I know it's not...

Very strange... I feel trapped by this when I think about it, devorcing my h, and finding someone who actually wants to make me happy feels selfendullgent...I've been with my h since we were young teens, I guess this is a normal feeling, it's been almost 19 years

Guilt is messing with you and I can definitely empathize with you there. You're not responsible for the breakdown of this marriage - it sounds like you've given it MORE than a fair chance, but you can't do it alone and that's what appears to be going on. You deserve to be happy - that's not self indulgence, that's called living! You are worthy of finding someone who loves you and genuinely cares about your happiness. It sounds as if he and this situation are sucking the life out of you.

It is not selfish to continue to focus on yourself and enjoy life as the new person you've become over the last 8 years. It sounds like you will be armed with tools you didn't have before once you are able to enter into a relationship as the new and improved you. When you do, chances are that it will be a whole new, healthier ballgame and you may even be grateful for what you've been through with your H. Without the experiences, both good and bad, who would you be? Would you end up in the same relationship but with a different mate? That happens often.

Once you can fully accept this and begin to take baby steps toward moving on, I think you'll be surprised and may even feel that wonderful feeling called relief, as this is a burden that you've carried for some time now - alone.

Thank you, yes I do feel guilty, I have felt alot of relief since I moved, and even though I wanted to reconsile I felt like I was getting suffocated because it didn't seem like it could be real, and it wasn't.

Wow I guess I feel guilty about alot of things, I thought I had that unearned guilt thing taken care of, guess not, didn't even know I was feeling this way. I just thought it was anxiety.

The things you said in your first paragraph made me tear up, I know these things but it's hard to detatch the desire for my h to want and fill my ENs, I guess that fades with time.

And yes it did suck the life out of me long ago, I'm ok now, I think acsepting all this for what it is rather than what I wished it to be is going to take some geting used to

thanks again

NL2, I think you are an incredibly strong person and the fact that you are able to say that you are a better person in many ways than you were 8 years ago is pretty profound! I think your future is going to be better than you ever thought and you are going to reap the benefits of all of your struggles and the growth that resulted from them. I am actually excited for you, as goofy as that may sound!

P.S. I am going to write your signature line down somewhere and refer to it on my down days. That is just so true!

Hey thank you again

I'm excited for me too, lol but that goes either way, it has nothing to do with my marriage. I know who I am what I want and where I'm going, with or without my h. I don't think he relizes that , that dependent girl I was isn't who I've been for a long time. The first 4 years of this crap was neediness, confushion, fear, you know the ushual, but the last 4 have been very thought out, and actually took more energy then the years of crying etc.

Where I'm at though is a lonely place, I miss that companionship, I push those feelings aside because I have to but I'd really love a companion.

I was just on the phone with my h talking about kid pick up tomorrow, and I ended up geting some things off my chest, for about 15 min straight and he was just siting there listening. It wasn't a b!tchfest I said things like I'm proud of you for this but I'm really disapointed in you and you need to grow up,( he agreed,bur who knows what he thinks that means) we have a child going to university in a year. I told him life dosent have a pause button and everything does matter. I told him he's coping out on himself and he walked out of my life without saying a word, yet I'm not suposed to have feelings about that. Anyway we will allways be family, even if he chooses to not speak with me, his mom is my second mother, I will allways expect him to be the man he realy is not the man he's choosing to be, he knows I belive in him. He said nothing on the phone just listened to me, made a few comments about details that didn't matter, and when I was done with rambling he told me he loved me. I know he does in his own selfish way but he sure dosent want to be my husband, in any real way.

I said what I needed to and I'm not going to initiate anything anymore. I'm just going to live my life and stop worrying about him. I love him but I have to face the fact that we aren't going to make it.

Love doesn't conquer all focus does, without focus you have nothing.

I think most of us are in some form of denial right before ending our marriage, I know I was...I WANTED to hope, I WANTED the marriage to survive, and it wasn't until it slapped me in the face with the impossibility of the situation and I truly realized that I was the only one that wanted that, that I knew I had to face it and file for divorce. He would have cake eaten as long as he was allowed to. We have been divorced 1 1/2 years and even now if I were to ask him if he loved me, if he wanted me back, he would say yes...but those are just words and mean nothing, the fact of the matter is, he has not been home in all this time, he has not gotten a job to be closer here, he has not paid back one penny that he stole from me, and he is still with OW. He is a liar and doesn't have a heart. That is reality.
My life has been more at peace since facing reality and moving out of denial.

Wow, your post is a very strong wake up call for me. You know I think what's been hard to muddle through is the I love yous the false hopes, false starts, you know... The waiting for the actions to match the words. All the waiting...

Wow, it's hard to face... Truely face...

I think that I'm in the same situation as you where, once you came to terms with this how long was it until you got a D? I'm woundering how long most wait, and why you wait... Why am I waiting?

When I finally realized it, I filed immediately. He had every chance to turn it around and didn't. He didn't come home for his birthday or Christmas or our anniversary. He didn't bring me the key to the truck when I locked myself out. His GF called me to say "Merry Christmas, from me and John!" on Christmas Day. We were still married and she was rubbing my nose in it. It was hard to get an attorney right before the holidays but once I did, it took about six weeks for it to be final, but we didn't have kids together and I took a huge financial hit just to get it over with, which was important to my mental well being.

I feel for you, there were many horrible things over the years that I went through aswell, most were in the first 3 years though, then it was mainly a mixture of great progress and dissapointment. Lots of good stuff wich made the let down well a let down... I'm way past the anger, actually I can't even get angery anymore just frestrated. I feel other things though, I'm very anxious today after the one sided talk, I guess that's why I'm posting so much.

I'm trying to face this and deal with this reality that it is what it is and nothing will change for us. But I'm having a really hard time, I'm fighting my natural impulse to call him or text him. I don't like this feeling... I feel like I'm greiving, I guess I allways thought we could make it through anything, the finality is hard for me right now, I'm still very much inlove with him. I do know I need to get a D, I get that nothings going to change but it's still hard to acsept that that is true

one things for sure I take my time with things,I wouldn't be able to handle a quick D like that. I think I'll start the process at the end of the summer, a year from the day I moved out. That gives me some time to get used to the idea

We were only married two years and the last year was pure hell...also, he never lived with me. He was a pretender, a con, so once I realized that, I just wanted away from it all, I wanted peace. The first woman he lived with while we were married, was a member of the EK gang, and even today I greatly resent his putting me in harm's way like that. With him there was always drama. My life is so peaceful now. The second woman he lived with while we were married is an alcoholic and possibly a Bag B_tch. I had a really hard time understanding how he could throw me overboard for them, we aren't even in the same class! But I guess he found his comfort level. What is really odd is that I still don't feel any anger towards him, and I don't get that, after all he did to me. I just have a resolve that he won't do it to me again.

Wow, you had alot of drama in a short amour of time together. I can see why you acted so quickly!