Sabertooths are "little" cats? Who knew?

tl

TBC....you do sound much more grounded and sure of your course. There is a sanity benefit that comes from not being part of the crazy stuff waywards say and do. I've had it much easier because I don't have to subject myself to XH's weirdness. You have to deal with this as you go through the D process and continue to try to raise your boys with what that entails in contacts with your wife.

I have to say the personal growth you have gone through over these months is notable in your posts. You are a more confident, assured, well-grounded man with your priorities front and center. Some great woman is going to benefit from the fact that you've been to hell and back and survived and grown. Your boys have a superb role model for their coming teen years and young manhood when they will be going into the boy/girl relationships. You will be an educated guide.

TBC:

This quote:


And to find out that she BOINKED the cruise director during when of thier vacations. SHE was the perfect WW.

Maybe CRING to watch those scenes.

LG

C'mon, LG!!! He was a BARTENDER, not a cruise director!!!!

TBC

Thanks, LLL. I really appreciate it.

It's kind of interesting. We see quotes from famous (or not so famous) folks pertaining to adversity, and overcoming challenges and difficulties, and how they all allude to us being better AS A RESULT OF those obstacles. We see those quotes. Heck, I had one in my signature for a long time. (Just searching for a new one.....) We understand those quotes. We relate to them. Well, we may THINK we do. You're right. I have been to hell. You might not have received a postcard from me, but you sure as heck know I was there.

I can say that I truly relate to those quotes now . I FEEL DIFFERENT now. I view life differently, and I have a much healthier perspective of looking forward to future opportunities that I may find, NOT past opportunities that I have lost.

There will be some hard days ahead. I get that. So what. We all do. The fact of the matter is that there's going to be some pretty great days ahead, too. I love the idea of living life on life's terms, and not some preconceived notion of what I THINK those terms should look like. I love the idea of exploring places that I may not have considered in the past, taking part in activities beyond the usual menu items, and socializing with people who I never would have met had I not weathered this storm.

Someone will benefit from my experience. I know I already am.

Good to hear from you, LLL.

TBC

Once the D is finalized?

Send her the papers wrapped up in a nice box with this little ditty:
W

tbc -

here is quote i use - S'il faut que ce soit cela depend de moi

translation - If its to be - its up to me

TBC- Whatever you do do not give her 50/50 legal custody. Even if you split visitation do not let her have any say so over what goes on with the boys legally. For instance you want to put them in School B because it's a better school and she disagrees and wants to keep them where they are. You need to be the final decision maker- trust me.

I gave my ex 50/50 custody- physical and legal. big mistake. Now the smallest thing he will deny and there's nothing I can do about it because he has as much legal say as I do. There is no tie breaker in our sitch. Talk to your lawyer but this is what I would do if I did it all over again.

Hey CW,

I was wondering if you'd find my new home. Good to hear from you....

I appreciate the advice. It will NOT go over well, but I don't seem to be able to do much of anything that DOES go over well so at least I'm maintaining my consistency....

How can I put this delicately. Hmm. Well, let me just say that it's always important to be aware when you're in the crosshairs. Or, for the movie buffs out there, it's really helpful to know if someone's about to get all medieval on your a&$. And no, I'm not referring to my FB admirer either. I'm talkin' about everyone's favorite WW........

The cease fire is in a fragile state....

I trust you on your recommendation, though. When I get the agreement, I will see how much needs to be tweaked. I will make my proposed changes in as professional (and emotion-less) manner as possible.

I'm sure I'll still get grief from her, but hey, someone has to be responsible for the implosion of the Greek eocnomic system, right????

TBC

I did find you and I think you're doing great. She probably won't even care as long as she gets the amount of alimony or child support she wants.

I was trying to be fair by doing that and it has bit me in the rear lots of times.

Thanks CW.

It was a fairly quiet weekend. Last night was a bit of a challenge as TBC_8 couldn't sleep. After a snack and a bit cajoling, he let me know that he is scared that "you and Mommy are going to get a divorce."

We sat and talked for a bit. I held him, and told him that I love him very much and that I'd always be there for him. I told him he could talk to me about anything -- and that if it was important to HIM, it was important to ME. And I told him I would be there to listen to him, and to be honest with him, and to help him in every way that I can.

He eventually went back to bed, but at some point during the night, he came into my bedroom and crawled into bed. The kid is a major blanket hog, but it was clearly a small cross to bear...

It wasn't until this morning that I sensed a material degree of resentment toward WW. And it was increasing at a noticeable rate. I, again, saw firsthand that her destructive choices were not only amazingly hurtful to me, but also very damaging to the boys. Sure, I always KNEW it, but here I was at 11pm, dealing with it in real-time, and essentially trying to put out his four-alarm fire with a mere garden hose.

I have always been a pretty good dad. It's one of the very few compliments WW actually has given me over the last few months. This was an opportunity to raise the bar to an even higher level. And to be honest, I took solace in knowing that it wouldn't morph into a MISSED opportunity. There is something so deeply personal and incredibly special about a parent-child relationship when the parent chooses to express unfettered love and support to the child who can't sleep because he's afraid his mom and dad will never be together again. Tough stuff, indeed. As I may have mentioned in the past, this is one job requirement we can easily overlook when applying for the position of 'parent'. The fact of the matter is that I will probably never accomplish anything more important in my role as a parent than what I did last night.

So, back to my earlier point, my feelings for WW have evaporated not only due to the adverse effect of her decisions on ME, but for their detrimental impact to the boys. Repairing the damage done to me as a result of her selfishness and entitlement would have required herculean efforts. What she has done to the boys is wretched, sickening, and utterly unforgivable.

Anyone that would take such callous action at the expense of her children is not worthy of being a part of my life. Many fight on, in spite of equally reprehensible actions. I salute them and acknowledge their steadfastness and determination. I simply choose to rechannel that energy into my new path, my boys, my home, and my job.

Thanks,
TBC

boing, boing, boing.

Hey mud,

Lots to say just not sure how to communicate in a more abridged and cryptic manner.....

Well, things have been fairly quiet. I stay away from her, and if she requests information or asks something of me, I supply it in a timely manner. Just playing it low-key.....

The filing came back and, lo and behold, there was some waffling by her. The number was what I thought it would be, which would allow me to maintain the current living arrangement for the boys. Even with the waffling, I stayed the course, though. She thought my demeanor was indicative of me, um, ending my proverbial drought, so to speak. So, so not true. Convo ended fine. No heavy talk, no confrontations. It was good.

Unfortunately, there was a major dust-up very recently. Seems like she was offered something by some mutual friends and after I was asked what I thought about it, they rescinded their offer to her. Well, she was mad as a hornet and seems dead-set on ramping up her support number. Fun, fun! (I wish I could elaborate more on this, because it would make more sense, but I haven't settled on a comfortable level of detail....)

The termination of a cooperative dissolution seems imminent. I fully expect a larger number, a louder snarl, and take-no-prisoners mentality. Too bad, but certainly not unexpected....

I have laid low in order to preserve my deal and get out of this thing relatively intact. I wasn't going to give her an opportunity to really stick it to me. Now, someone else does something and I take the hit for it.

If she goes ballistic on me (or as George W Bush would say, "nucular"), I cannot control it. She knows that if her number increases significantly -- nearly 50% by the way -- certain things would no longer be available to the kids. I don't think she cares, at this point. Sad really.

I'll just make the best of my world. I'm just looking for the exit and the quickest way to get through that door.

Doing alright, though.

TBC

TBC,

Hang in there, I think you've got the right approach. I may not have been able to save my marriage, but I'm damn sure going to get the divorce right. Here some useful tips:

1) Take the emotion out of it. Divorce is no longer a personal relationship, but a business deal. You want as much time with the children as you can get and to keep as much of your money as possible. She wants the same. Treat it like a business deal and put the emotions aside.

2) Gear up for a battle that goes to court. You may very well end up settling or working things out in mediation, but that will go much more in you favor if you have done all the legwork and preparation to take it the distance.

3) Do not tip your hand. Do not discuss details or try to work out terms between the two of you. Say nothing to her about what you want, what you refuse to agree to, where you will draw the line in the sand. Make her have to make clueless guesses. Leave it to your lawyer to come to any agreements and have them in writing.

4) Just as with snooping, never give up your information or sources. There are websites and books out there that show you how to compile lists upon lists of material to support your position. Find them and be prepared, but don't let her know.

5) I'm finding that playing nice, cooperative, and dumb is working well with me. We have decided to stay living together at the house until a decision has been reached. I'm almost treating her as plan A, nice conversation, cooking meals and doing housework, living daily life as though it's perfectly normal. However, there is no relationship talk (that ship has sailed) and no talk of the upcoming proceedings other that to act cooperative in things like pulling together all the financial information we both need to furnish. My wife wants a quick and cooperative divorce, I want one quick that goes my way. So I'm playing the "going along nicely" hand right now.

6) You think they are aliens when they are wayward, well they turn into something even more bizaar when they are wayward and want your children and your money and for you to go away quietly. Expect lies, lies, and more lies throughout the process and have ample evidence and supporting resources for your side of things.

I think it was Seabird who said

"I didn't have a good marriage but I made d*mn sure I had a great divorce"

TBC,

You are a great father and you continue to inspire. You always seem to have your [censored] together, no matter the situation. Keep leading on brother...

Great pointers Schtoop.

Thanks, SoL. I really appreciate it. I really hope things work out for you and Pinky. If for some reason they don't, maybe I'll be able to carve a nice path for ya......

Yes, what a long, strange ride it's been......

TBC-8 and I went for a long walk this evening. (TBC-11 was doing his sports thing.) We had a really nice time. Just talked about stuff in general. Old times, things to do this summer, why the government says they'll cut taxes but then they actually raise them, etc. (No joke on that last one. He really asked me that!) Anyhow, it was really nice. Nothing serious, just good ol' fashion father-son bonding time. At one point, he asked to go a little further instead of heading back home. And when he took my hand, I realized how truly incredible it is to be a father and how amazing it is to share moments like this.

It was nice on a lot of levels but it took me off of the front lines, if even for a short while. I realized that she may take my money, and I may lose my house, and a lot of my belongings, but she can't EVER take away the fact that I am a FATHER, and that I have two amazing boys who I can support, and teach, and love.

Thanks for the kind words, Schtoop. You seem like you have a good strategy to navigate through the process with minimal collateral damage. I really hope the aura of peace continues in the Schtoop household...

I am doing alright. Hopefully, I can come around more often. I feel somewhat detached from some of my old pals and even older story lines, but I'm working my way back into the mix...

Thanks,
TBC

WOW, I don't even think my kiddos know about taxes. It is GREAT to get to spend some fun time with the kids and not worry about responsibilities and such. That's one thing I hope doesn't get lost for my kiddos, the innocence of childhood. They need that even though they have to deal with these horrible issues at such a young age.

Hey Scottie,

It's a balancing act for me. Part of me wants to shield them from the wretched behavior taking place in the shadows of their world, but part of me wants to teach them, and in order to do that, there has to be some disclosure.....Age appropriate and time sensitive....Well, this was just not a time to shine a light on those shadows. There will be plenty of time for that in the future.....

When I think about the end of their innocence, I do have some resentment towards her. Sometimes worse, to be honest. I don't mind going there -- because it's a true emotion and will come into play just like any other -- but I just don't want to plant roots there.

I can tell I'm not in top posting form -- no movie or music references in quite some time. I'll get back on track, though. I think I have a rant building in me, too, but it's still kind of half-baked, so I'll keep it in the oven for now.....

Thanks,
TBC