Good question Ellen. I'm not really sure and intend to place a call to my lawyer tomorrow to touch base. I realize there won't be any true finality in the meeting. I believe it's just a "hearing." We filed through a mediation lawyer on Feb 22, so it has been a little while.

To me it's the next definitive step towards real live divorce.

Major mixed emotions. On that date my family officially ceases to exist as it once did; good, bad, or indifferent.

~opt

@Daisy: I know. It was a little difficult. My only real fear at this point is that my kids will get the wrong lesson from an "amicable D" and start to think that D is just an easy option when the going gets tough in a M. HOWEVER, I really feel I have to ride a certain path until the official D. I have the rest of their impressionable teenage years to teach them the importance of honesty and openness in a relationship.
opt

I spoke to my lawyer tonight and she informed me that this is the meeting where the judge looks over the Separation Agreement (drafted with us and the mediation lawyer) and asks us some compulsary questions to ascertain if they should approve the agreement. If yes, the divorce is NighSigh (whatever that is) for 30 days. Then there is a 90 day period from that where neither party can legally marry.

The EA started in March '09. Plan A Oct. Plan D on Jan 22. The Mediation lawyer filed the Sep Agreement on Feb 22. She moved out April 1.

As far as I'm concerned I'm divorced on June 18. The ring comes off. I'm ready for this nightmare to be over.

opt

Opt,

I'm impressed with your time line I don't think that could have gone any better,

Are you happy with the terms of the divorce ?????

Did you find using a mediation lawyer helpful ?????

Thanks SC. The terms are quite favorable. When my lawyer read the SA back in Feb she advised me to get it signed ASAP before anyone changed their minds. She informs me the judge assigned is typically "laid back" and gives a 50/50 he'll approve it as is. Another judge, she says, would have modified it in favor of ww (nice huh? this was drawn up with ww in full agreement).

Mediation has worked so far. My ww wants a fantasy D. This plays in my favor. She knows she couldn't handle the kids more than 50% of the time - that helps too.
opt

I'd like to know a little more about the mediation...

Did you have a 3rd party mediator that worked with your lawyers ???

How were those sessions done ???

It sounds like on my end that I'll be sitting with my lawyer and the WW with hers and the Mediator talking to us I think by phone. I'm not to sure I like the approach I would prefer to all be in one room while we work it out. I feel sure that would be an option if I pushed for it.

And if you have a SA what's left to mediate ????

Thanks .... guess this is a borderline TJ.....

SC

NP SC,
We went in without our own lawyers. That would have been disastrous (3 lawyers in one room?). I had met with my own lawyer privately, and then had her look at the agreement afterwards. WW did not and has not retained an attorney, which is a very good thing for me. And my attorney isn't advising me to go for anything more than what's fair (which is more than most men get in these deals).

We were able to come to a basic agreement on our own as far as property and custody. We had the mediation lawyer write it up for about 3 large and 2 or 3 sessions. He smoothed over a couple of issues that could have been contentious (my truck vs. a retirement fund, e.g.)

Mediation can work if there is really a sincere desire on both parts to put the kids' welfare above everything. My ww was always interested in that, and she also understands her role in this ugly situation - I'm starting to think she just wanted to get as far away from it as possible as quickly as possible. I'm lucky- she does NOT seem to have the sense of entitlement that most WS's do. The things she left in this house SC are incredible, I'm still finding stuff 2 months later that I know she valued.

She also has an intense desire to live the rest of her life as a friend of mine, not just a co-parent or an acquaintance. She wants to take vacations together. This will obviously not happen if she rakes me over the coals financially and takes my kids away from me. Again, I'm lucky in that regard.


If you are already committed to D, I recommend you start with mediation. It can't hurt and if things get ugly, well, they would have got ugly anyway. You only have an extra couple of thousand to lose. If you've both lawyered up already, I don't know how it can work because I bet your wife's attorney will talk her into going for the gold. The balance will tip. Just my prediction.
Try to peaceably present your wishes to her gradually and see if you can get the lawyers to agree to your terms.

I'm afraid the worst thing about mediation is the actual concept of it. It fools couples into thinking there's and easy and cheap way out when there really isn't; and re-committing to the M is almost always the better choice, contrary to pop culture. Sad.


opt

Hey Opt - just want to pop in while I have a chance and let you know I'm still following you and thinking about you and the kids. Seems like you're adapting as well as possible. I hope things continue to go smoothly for you.

Linus

First court date is Friday in what has been an "amicable" divorce thus far [at least for the adults, my heart still breaks for my children who don't deserve to have to grow up in two houses with parents who can't learn to love each other.] WW has not dated or been involved with other man/men since some time in May. I have not dated.

Anyway, we had a mediator help us draw up a separation agreement - filed with the court on Feb 22. She moved out on April 1. We've lived by the agreement since. It's a fair 50/50 and I stayed in the house; she got a condo after I bought her equity in the home. My lawyer has advised that this is a very good agreement for me and has concerns that the court might not even approve it (it's THAT good); ww doesn't have a lawyer.

Lawyer tells me there are certain questions they always ask - I know what they are and am prepared. I also figure I'll just keep my mouth shut. I will reinforce with the judge that my main concern is making sure the children get what they need to thrive. We will not have lawyers with us at the hearing. I plan to go WITH WW, unless someone here thinks that's a bad idea. My sister's in town - she could go with me instead.

Any last minute advice?

Good luck, Opt.

June 18 is your final day of marriage. Ironic, it's my anniversary.

You are getting a great deal, 50% custody and staying in the house. That's exactly what I'm fighting for. In my state at least one mediation session is mandatory before you can set a court date. I would love to work something out there, but am prepared to go the distance.

I was married for 19 years with 4 kids. I was 45 when she gave me the speech. Up until that time all seemed good with our marriage. She started to date my son's Travel baseball coach who was 29. I had an issue with that.

She asked for a D and got one a year later. She was a stay-at-home-mom and at the time I had a great relationship with the kids.

I ended up paying her for 2 cars ($1,000 / mo.) for 3 years, CS, 1/2 medical, Life insurance. I walked away with nothing. My Lawyer said that she could of got alimony for probably 5 years so this deal was good. I just could not wrap my head around the Adultry thing and her beniffiting from it. Still can't.

I have no adive other than to tell you what happene to me.

Opt,

I guess I would be spending time trying to think of anything the Judge might come up with to derail the agreement, I would have every scrap of evidence to show what her behavior has been and how great a father you have been. Not that you'll use it but to be able to defend your position .... HE WITH THE MOST PAPER WINS.....USUALLY......

STAY COOL.... CHOOSE YOUR WORDS CAREFULLY......

I would want the judge to know how much I love my kids and that their happiness and well being is my deepest desire.

I would only pull the ugly stuff out if forced to by the judge to defend how you arrived at the agreement that you have ...to show how fair you are being in such a difficult situation

I'll be looking forward to your update!!!!!

Good Luck. As long as you are content with the deal. Do you believe it is fair? Before your atty said anything, that is..

thanks folks.

SC you're so right. I'll do some homework and try to be prepared.

BC, I think the deal is the second best solution for the kids. First being to stay married but that option was removed by WW.

opt

Hi Friends,
Court hearing today. In at 9am. Out at 10:10. No issues or glitches.

I can share details at another time. Some of you were asking for an update and I got a lot of well-wishing here, so I just wanted to let people know that phase of the process is over and went smoothly. I'm officially divorced in 120 days.

My left hand feels naked.

Again, thanks to everyone's advice and concern.

I'll be around.

opt

Wow, four more months. I think I preferred my court experience better: In and out in 45 minutes. Married when I went in, divorced when I came out.

Fred, I thought I remember you talking about some "cooling off" period.
Well, no matter. I agree, if it was final today, it would be fine with me.

Although, on the other hand, a few months of learning how to be single will do me good. I've been "single" since the separation, but always with my ring on. I tend to take official dates seriously, so the court experience meant something to me. I'm in a new phase of my life now. I'm kinda looking forward to a few months until the whole thing becomes official & legal; it will be different than the last few months.

~opt

You wanna really "cool off"? Try gettin' on the D-Train in the state of "Ahh-nold"....SIX MONTHS of coolin' yer jets.......

I love the irony. You can go to D-Ville over as little as a sneeze that has gone awry, but if you do, you're gonna wait half a year.....

I mean, seriously, what if I'm already cool????

TBC

I think we're saying two different things here, opt.

In VA, there is a mandatory six month waiting period (twelve months if there are children involved) from the time of separation before the court can be petitioned.

Once the petition is filed, it can take a month or more (they say) before the court agrees to hear the case (the ore tenus hearing) and grant the final decree.

The six month "cooling off" period was up April 26. I didn't get on the court schedule and have my ore tenus hearing until June 9. My attorney had to file the petition, my ex had to acknowledge the filing (and choose to waive notice of further proceedings, which she did), the court had to respond and then we had to find a date on the court schedule when my witness (to attest we had not resumed marital relations), my attorney and I could all agree upon.

Fred, it seems things are done differently in Ma, although you wind up with much the same result. I guess I lost track of your timeline; I remember when she came to get her stuff from your garage and smoked like 20 cigarettes in an hour. How time flies.

So the details:
9:00 registration at the courtroom (took a few minutes to find because it's confusing and people are soooooooo helpful.)
Fill out new financial statements - 20 minutes while waiting for others to register. We just had to update our others.
4 cases in front of us - all open and shut in 5-10 minutes. All <1 year marriages. All "final in 91 days."
Our case:
--"Do you solemnly swear to... -State your names for the court, -Have you both agreed the separation agreement? -Do you both agree it's fair? -Was it prepared by an attorney? -Are you separated now?" ("yes, your honor" to all questions)
--Dead silence for about 3 decades (probably actually about 75 seconds).
--"Okay, the court approves the document, the divorce will be final in 120 days, good luck."

I walked out and said to my former wife: "okay you just became my partner in the business of raising two children."


We rode to the court together, we rode home together. It was sad. We talked. While waiting in the courtroom she acknowledged that the circumstances that we got married under were all wrong and not based on the right principles. I agreed. In retrospect the marriage could have worked if and only if we had found a solid program like MB the day after the wedding, and applied it and stuck to it. Maybe even if after her first physical affair (which gave me my precious angel OC/D8). But hey, she's not ready to sign on with MB or any other program now. She most certainly wouldn't have been into it back then (15 and 8 years ago). She stated at some point that she's a "make your own rules" type of person. I didn't want to start anything in the courtroom, but I sure wanted to say: "yeah, and look how far that got you."

Thanks for listening everybody.

~opt