Hi, all.

I'm a returnee to the board, and have posted under "divorced/divorcing" before. Quite honestly, I'm not sure where I should be posting, but I do know what I want to do -- which is move on.

I'm not meaning with regards to relationships -- at least not yet. I'm meaning just moving on with life. I just completed my second failed "love" relationship, the first being 16 years (12 in marriage) and the second 5 -- and both ended badly, for me, especially in an emotional sense.

I have children from each relationship and I actually loved both women, although I must say I knew that only in the latter relationship once it was too late.

Both of them moved on easily. Thing is, I've come to realize I don't know how to move on at all.

I could use some guidance from people who do.

Thanks.

Lost23, how do you define "success?" How do you define "moving on?"

I filed for divorce a week and a half ago. It wasn't my wish or my idea. But it came down to that or continuing to stew in my own emotional juices. Like you, this is also my second (although there are no children with this one). Both my wives were women I thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

In retrospect, I think I'm somewhat glad it's turned out this way. Both women had flaws that I can now see that I couldn't then. "Blinded by love?" Perhaps.

That I'm single again doesn't fill me with great joy, but I'm learning that it doesn't have to mean misery, either. I just need to re-learn how to have a relationship with myself before I can try to get into a relationship with someone else.

Lost, I personally believe that you don't "move on" in an active sense. Moving on is something that happens in the background as you live life. You go to work, take care of kids and chores, and sometimes take up a hobby or two. Then, one day, you suddenly discover you have a life. The old part is gone and done and seems like a different life, a different person.

Greengables:

If I read your info correctly under the missive you wrote, I'm sorry. That's a crushing blow.

I guess, with where I'm at in life, what I want/hope would be a little more proactive than letting life work itself out as I "move on."

Unfortunately, one of my issues tacked along with this breakup is that I am unemployed and have had difficulty finding work. So, going to work isn't on my list at the moment. Finding work is.

So, in addition to not feeling wanted, I'm not feeling too useful either. Getting a job would be a major step in the right direction for me, no doubt. The effort to get one has been there, just not the results.

Fred:

I guess I don't really know how I'd define "success" except that I'd find happiness or contentment in life. Or something like that.

Whether that's alone or in a relationship. I'm not thrilled with feeling I, ultimately, was used in my just-completed relationship and I believe that's a problem I have, allowing that to happen. I seem to be a person of extremes -- either the supreme alpha dog or the totally accomodating, "walk all over me" slave. I play both roles, often with seamless transition. There is no middle ground.

So, ridding myself of that would be a success. As would not overreacting to things at times, while accepting other things that I never should.

No doubt, I need to grow as a person, as an individual.

All that, plus getting past the hurt, to me, would be moving on.

What do you want your life to be? What kind of person do you want to be? How do you get there? Not ready for that? Lol. Probably not. For me, I started really simply by getting back to basics and taking care of my health and finding a routine.

Get up each morning at the same time and go to bed at the same time.
Make my bed upon rising.
Take a shower and get dressed immediately.
Fix my hair and face immediately after my shower.
Have a healthy breakfast, lunch and dinner. Limit alcohol (it is a depressant).
Clean up the kitchen after every meal.
Go to work (or look for work) and focus on that.
Get moderate exercise 5 times a week.
Limit my surfing time on the internet.
Get outside everyday.
Church on Sundays.
Keep the house clean.
Keep a journal. Writing down my feelings help me keep things in perspective. I can also tell when I am starting to feel sorry for myself and tell myself to snap out of it.
Hide from negative people. Seek out positive people and make plans to have some fun.


I have done all of these things to keep myself moving in the right direction. It takes time and some days are easier than others. Keep at it. The healing will come.

Lost just want you to know I empathize with you

The first thing you need to do is to concentrate on yourself. Find peace in your own daily life by doing the things YOU want to do. Then do them at your own free will, as you see fit. I like running for instance. Recently I've started running in the middle of the night again, because that's the time that works best for me in the day to get my exercise in. Its not necessarily a normal thing, but it brings happiness and peace to my day. Concentrate on doing those things that you enjoy and you'll find yourself enjoying life once more and your last relationship probably won't even cross your mind.

I see a lot of good advice here though...

It sounds like once you get a new job you'll be on your way to feeling like you are moving forward. Sometimes just setting up a new routine helps. Spending time doing things you enjoy helps too. I think moving on with life emotionally takes a bit of time and healing. You will get there. I am almost divorced now for a year. It has been tough but time does make things a little easier. Hang in there...

I'm sorry you're out of work, I know how hard that can be, esp. in this economy. Shortly after my husband died, so did my dream job and I found that focus and attitude were everything. I tackled looking for work like a full time job, starting early a.m. and ending late in the day, but only going at it three days a week...the days in between I did other activities, housecleaning, visiting someone, favorite hobby, etc. The reason I did that was to protect myself and keep my attitude upbeat. It's very hard getting rejection letters, just the whole grind of looking for work, much easier to do every other day rather than every day.
You mentioned feeling useful...volunteering can help one feel useful and also broaden one's contacts, possibly even leading into a job. Good luck to you!

looking for jobs is definitely an extremely difficult thing nowadays. Remember a few years ago when people were making t-shirts of their resumes and putting up websites for their spouses just to find work? I found that to be quite crazy. Finding ways to seek new friends has been something I've used a lot in the past as a way to expand my personal and professional networks, something that has definitely come in handy over the years!

Networking is definitely the way to get a job nowadays. I live in the country and know most people in town, have a great work reputation locally, so if a job opened up, I'd get it...however, there ARE no jobs locally that pay enough for me to make it on, so that means I have to go outside my community...where my networking hasn't infiltrated, a LOT more challenging. Right now I'm hoping my job doesn't go under, but it's very possible I'll be in your boat again, all too soon,

A nice thing about being divorced is you have freedom to live and work wherever you want.

Ah yes, but to me, the job is secondary to where I live...I love nature, it's in my blood, and to live in the city, well, I'd miss the trees and the sound of rushing water, and all of the wildlife. Just this morning I got to see a fox dashing across the road, an I always see deer and elk...I often see wild bunnies, skunks, sometimes owls, all manner of birds actually, coyotes, occasionally a cougar, bear, wild turkey, you name it. Where else could I live and have all that?

I don't know where you live but I love the same things. I live on 5 acres of woods in a gorgeous place. I have the same widlife in my yard. I have access to great hikes. I'm also 5 miles from the coast and can enjoy more beautiful scenery. There are lots of fabulous places. The possibilities are truly bountiful!

I don't I could stand to have such an intimate relationship with nature like that. I need to be around people at least some of the time, and I'm not necessarily anti-nature, but I feel that most places with a lot of outdoorsy stuffs in the area dont have as many people as say the suburbs or the cities.

I'm from mountainous country in Oregon...but I'm about 2 1/2 hours from the ocean. I love the ocean! Are you on East or West coast?
People...I don't like lots of noise/people, all I need is a special someone to enjoy nature & dogs with!

Central West coast. Took my son hiking today in the hills 5 minutes from my house and we could see the bay to the left and wine country valleys to the right. People are a few minutes away. But, where I live, I am in the woods. I have the best of it all. I have moved a lot the last 10 years and have discovered that there are many fantastic places to live in all price ranges. You just have to be willing to try something new.