My daughter, now 13, may be OM's. The A ended many years ago and I have known about the possibility that my daughter is not mine since it ended. I did not have DNA testing done at that time. There is no way that I will give her up or treat her differently regardless of whether she is mine biologically. However, I am wondering about what the impact might be on me emotionally, and on my relationship to my wife, if testing were done and she was not mine.

My wife and I only started on MB a few weeks ago after floundering for years (with me leaning towards separating after the children are grown). However, now I see cause for hope (wife is finally showing remorse and is putting real effort in, we are reading HNHN and LB together). I am hopeful but also can see that if my wife doesn't stay committed to the work that separation will be the result. All of this has really stirred up my thought/feelings and I'm thinking/feeling about the A as if it just happened.

I was hoping for input from others in similar situations. Should I do the DNA testing? Even asking the question causes my heart to pound...

Thanks

Does your daughter know about the affair and about the fact that you may not be her biological father? How does she feel about having the testing done? Have you talked to her about it?

My daughter does not know about the A (her older sister, now 16, also does not know).

Okay, so if the testing won't affect the way you feel about your daughter, then I'm wondering why you are considering having it done now, after all these years?

I agree with writer 1. If the testing won't affect the way you feel about your daughter why go there. At the end of this journey the child will always know you to be her father because you are the one raising and nurturing her everyday of her life. I know for a fact in my own family my g-mom was not my great-gpops child but she had his last name and was raised by him. My gmom or great-gmom have never mentioned who my gmomgs bio father was because it DOES NOT MATTER! We know her father to be my great g-pop and that is the end of the story. He has passed away now and she still knows him to be her father. This is something that was NEVER discussed and is still not discussed. I only found out because I was listening in on a conversation between my g-moms sister and another family member. My great g-mom has never discussed it and she is 94. In this situation all turned out okay. My ggreat had a total of 5 children and they all love each other....

I would recommend healing your marriage and trying to move on.....something things in my opinion are better left alone. Just my opinion....

You have raised her for 13 years as your daughter, right? Does it matter? She is who you have raised, cherished, taught, guided, rooted for. Blood does not make family, the relationship does.

DNA is important if the OM is around and wanting C or if you are pursuing CS. If you aren't bringing OM into her life, then I would leave him out. Pursue healing your M with the goal of being successful, not of just making it until the kids are adults and then you can get out.

Just my 2 cents

FTS

Thanks a lot for the wise replies! My emotions are just playing games with me.

Please, for the sake of your daughter and your family, if you truly love your daughter I wouldn't do the DNA. It is only going to open up old wounds and cause additional heartache. Let bygones by bygones and relish in the joy your daughter brings.

FWIW.......

NQD,

I�m dealing with that right now although the A was 20+ years ago, about two or so weeks ago I looked at my son and thought I saw a resemblance to OM. Needless to say this has been very disturbing to me, however I need to clear this up or my mind will go on like this. Through the Years people have remarked how �I never would have thought he was your son�

What I�ve tracked down so far is that I can do a DNA test secretly using toe nail clippings. Also Hair follicles, but those are harder to obtain without causing alarm. Look for very small anatomical details, attached vs free ear lobes etc

I�m also an OC myself and I believe strongly that a child has a right to know their heritage, parents lie to their children when they withhold this information. I am very glad I got the chance to See my biological father before he died.

Should OM prove to be the father I also intend to sue for back child support.

God Bless
Gamma

Gamma, I'm pretty sure there's a statute of limitations when it comes to contesting paternity in most states. In mine, I believe it is two years.

You think lying to your son is wrong, but you talk about secretly doing a DNA test with his toenail clippings? Doesn't that strike you as rather deceitful as well?

I also am an OC, and while I don't advocate lying to your kids, if I had been raised by a man I considered to be my father, I would be absolutely mortified to discover that he was going around gathering up bits and pieces of my anatomy and then going behind my back to try and prove that he wasn't actually biologically related to me.

NQD, I would like to strongly urge you not to use such underhanded, deceitful methods. If your 13 year old daughter did find out what you were up to, it would be devastating to a girl her age. I really do think you need to focus on working on your marriage and healing from your wife's affair, which has nothing to do with the biology of your daughter.

There is a statue of limitation in my state also. AND...a grown OC cannot sue for back CS. Gamma, I hope that you will consider your child and the hardships this could cause him. Seems like you are more concerned with you own emotions than others well-being. My heart hurts for the trauma that could be caused to him. My heart also hurts for your marriage and what this will do to you wife to open up this 20+ year old can of worms.

If our OC goes to the extent that others do on this board to seek out a relationship, I can guarantee it will only work against him and drive a bigger wedge further ensuring NEVER to have a relationship. We have chosen NC. If we want a R with OC, we will be the ones to seek him out. If he denies, it's completely understandable. He doesn't get to decide whether to have a R or not.

NotQDone

Not knowing will always haunt you so get the test done. Their is know need to tell your DD or the OM about the DNA test results.

You've said that their are several kids so best to test them all.

What makes you doubt you may be the bio dad?

I completely agree. Exactly what would be accomplished by DNA testing your DD? You still consider her your DD no matter what, correct? If you test her and she is not "yours" biologically what exactly do you plan to do with this information? My guess would be this would drastically affect your R with her.

Gamma is just about the only OC I've read posts from who romanticizes the need for OC to know OM. This is not a rational response to your situation.

****edit****

Let the fact that you chose NOT to get a DNA test stand as evidence that you see your daughter as your little girl no matter what. There will come a day when she finds out about her mother's affair. You want to be able to look her in the eye and tell her without question that no matter what blood tests or fingernail clippings could tell you, you already know the most important thing - she's your daughter in every way that matters.

KaylaAndy...

Gamma, I'm pretty sure there's a statute of limitations when it comes to contesting paternity in most states. In mine, I believe it is two years.

But you can press a lawsuit at any time, the court can refuse to hear it, however extenuating circumstances such as when the
loss/fraud was discovered can reset the clock to zero.

My heart also hurts for your marriage and what this will do to you wife to open up this 20+ year old can of worms.

Unfortunately there are some cases where, for cultural reasons, no admission will be given.

Gamma is just about the only OC I've read posts from who romanticizes the need for OC to know OM.

I don't think I romanticized my biological father, he was a man of great outward piety who had a habit of having affairs with vulnerable women.

However for me it was important to understand who he was in all his ugliness, and yes his genetic fingerprint is a large part of who I am. I have since tracked down almost all of my biological relatives on both side and am glad I did. Truth being a form of beauty.

The decision to find a persons relatives is one that belongs to the OC, not to the non-biological parent, they are her relatives not yours.

God Bless
Gamma

Okay Gamma, but since your son is an adult, why don't you just come right out and tell him about your suspicions and ask him if HE wants the DNA test and if HE wants to know whether or not the OM is his biological father? Sneaking around collecting his fingernail clippings and hair for a secret DNA test is just, well, creepy.

And as far as a lawsuit goes, what good would that do anyone? Do you honestly think such a thing would be in your son's best interests? Are you doing this for him or for yourself? Would it change how you feel about him if the DNA test did show he wasn't your biological child? Would that somehow cancel out the last 20 years you've spent raising him?

To all those against the DNA test.

The BH has the right to determine what he needs to know about the affair.

It is his right to know the who is the bio dad.

It is his right to once knowing that who the bio dad is and do nothing or anything he wants to do.

It is wrong to tell him what he needs to know.

Okay, Road, but what about his 20 year old sons rights? He's an adult. Doesn't he have the right to decide whether or not someone is allowed to perform a DNA test on him? I can't think of a single other medical test you're allowed to perform on someone without their consent. I'm not even sure it's legal to perform the DNA test without his knowledge.

A quick internet search turned up this:

http://www.dnapolicy.org/resources/State_law_summaries_final_all_states.pdf

Depending on which state you live in, this actually could be illegal.

No matter where you live, it's certainly unethical.