Hello all. I am new here.

Married 11 years. WH moved out Sept 2009. PA ongoing through at least 6/11/2010. WH showed this site to me (the part about affairs being an addiction) when he tried to explain how he wanted to come back but was wavering in what to do. He cut off the PA, claimed total transparency. Came home on 6/15. Acted as if he wanted to work on the marriage for 2 days. Then started communication with OW again. "She's the only friend I can talk to and you don't understand me." Then he moved back out 6/20.

We have separation papers signed since April). We met with a counselor 2 times. Then he said no more counseling until I agreed to re-do the separation papers (he wants to pay less in child support and change alimony amount). I told him no deal. He then said he was getting a lawyer. (Yes, he did separation papers and pushed me to sign, all without him having a lawyer. I have a lawyer and didn't sign anything until got the OK from her.)

He left in a huff. Stomped and threatened about making it a mess in court and embarrassing our children (ages 5 & 2) and making a financial mess if I did not "reconsider" and re do the papers. Still told him no deal.

Kids & I went on vacation. Came back, and now he wants to "start over from zero" (as do I) but ONLY if we tear up the papers so they do not exist at all. He says I am putting a condition on the relationship if I leave the papers in force. He's not agreed to stop talking to the OW nor to move back home nor that he's willing to work at anything. He's solely focused (so it appears to me at this point) that he wants to re do the papers because he thinks he messed them up for how he can live independently of us and finance the relationship with OW.

Am I missing something here? I want our marriage to be rebuilt. I love him with all my heart. I forgive him for the affair. But I will not give up the security for my kids in the separation papers he demanded that I sign. Is that wrong?

It seems as if he is mad that I am in a "position of power" as he views it - but I am only here because he badgered me for 6 months to sign the papers. I finally acquiesced, signed them with the terms he proposed, and now he is mad and wants a do-over.

Comments welcome. and thanks for reading. And thank you all for providing such a wonderful support network.

Hi, faithful. You will probably get a lot of help come morning, if not before, as the expert veteran marriage builders on this site wake up (or suffer from insomnia, as the case may be) and get a chance to read your post and respond.

In the meantime, you might start reading here.

In my personal opinion, I wouldn't take back a wayward spouse who didn't appear to be repentant, and one who was still quibbling over the financial terms of a separation wouldn't look repentant to me. There are some tools you can use to structure your actions in ways that will maximize the chance of recovery for your marriage while still keeping you and your children secure; the folks here will help you with both ends of that.

Hi faithful, I am a night owl and just read your post.

Hang tight for some of the veterans on this board.
Breathe and do nothing.

Interesting that he brought YOU to this site to explain his side of the affair addiction but wants to pick and chose on working on the M.

Read the articles on this board.

Have you exposed to family, friends? Is other woman married and do they work together.

You are in the right place.

Stick to your guns. If he really wanted to rebuild your marriage, he would be willing to meet YOUR conditions.

It sounds to me as if he wants to "recover" your marriage long enough to get those papers torn up so he can then go back to the OW.

Just smile sweetly and say, "Well, dear, if we're going to rebuild this marriage, those papers don't really matter anyway, do they? Do you want a cookie?" Then go about your business and don't let him engage you in any argument.

tst/HerPapaBear had papers drawn up AFTER he ended his affair that gives his FBW EVERYTHING if their marriage ever ends due to an affair. He was truly remorseful, and they are now one of the best Marriage Builders success stories on the board. Hs FBW is SexyMamaBear.

Read up on Plan A and Plan B. You will need to start Plan A, which means meeting his emotional needs (ask him to fill out the EN questionaire and you fill one out, too), making home a warm and loving place to be. Learn what your lovebusters are and stop them. And, no, not tearing up those papers is not a lovebuster, because you are protecting yourself and your children.

There is more helpful advice for you here, but I'm hesitant to post it because he knows about this website. It would probably be best if you go ahead and call the Harleys for counselling. Steve or Jennifer will give you step by step advice for recovering your marriage. Yes, it's expensive, but from what I understand, they do not waste your time amd are very good at what they do.

Others will be along in the morning to help you further. In the meantime, read this site through and through. You should also get the books, "Surviving an Affair", and "His Needs; Her Needs", both by Dr. Willard Harley.

good morning, all. Reread the post for newly betrayed spouses.
Crucial info:
me = BW 33
him = WH 35
2 DDs 5 & 2
married 11 1/2 years

OW was married, her divorce is pending. Her husband left after he found out and moved across the country. That was her 2nd marriage. It is the first marriage for both me & WH. I ordered SAA last night.

Yes their A has been exposed. His parents, my parents, her H, some people at work. They used to work together. He started new job June 15. The EA began last July when they were at a large business conference together, and were out at a bar and started talking and neither his EN nor her EN were being met apparently. They figured they were in the same situation and therefore started together.

I don't think he reads the forums on here, but I could be wrong. If you have messages that you want to send but don't want to post for fear he is a "lurker" then message me and I will send you my email address off line.

Praying, and believing, that the Lord can restore WH's heart. He's turned away from God. If his heart is restored, I know the marriage will follow.

Of course you WILL NOT tear up those papers. Respond the way LC suggested. Around here, we call it reverse babble.

Do the two of you have any siblings? Are there any other influential people in your WHs life that you could expose to? Does OW have a Facebook page? If so, you should expose to all of her friends. Exposure is not about being vindictive, it is about getting the ugly "secret" out in the open.

You will need to do a Plan A and then a Plan B. The fact that your WH showed you this site is lucky for you. He is using it as an, "I am addicted to OW and can't help myself. BLAH BLAH BLAH" Don't listen to his fog-babble.

Plan A is about protecting yourself as well as trying to save your marriage.

Faithful,

Do Not Tear Up those papers! WH is not looking to repair your M at this point. He is still in FOG land.


If he wants to come home, the very first thing he should agree with is NO CONTACT with OW EVER AGAIN!. Your M can not heal so long as he is in contact with OW.

The vets will tell you more as they come online, but in the meantime, I would suggest you read Orchid's thread on reverse babble. Sounds like you are going to need it.
Orchid's Reverse Babble Thread


BTW if you WH was interested in working on things (truly fog free) his tune would sound more like "I will do what ever it takes for both of us to heal" rather than "I will come home only if you agree to X, Y, Z"

Hi, all. Let's talk emotional needs a minute if we can? My WH says I didn't make him feel needed or appreciated. There is some truth to that ... he was in the military and told me before we ever got married that I'd better be able to hold it together and function independently since he would be deployed, etc, etc. I was/am OK with that. Now, in light of where we are, how do I make him feel needed/appreciated and yet at the same time still hold the family together and function as an independent woman so that my girls don't suffer ill effects from things not being maintained as they should be? Concrete example: WH says I never hugged him when I told him thank you for cutting the lawn. This is true. I always said thanks and that I appreciated him, but didn't confirm it with a hug/kiss. Didn't know he needed/wanted me to, but now I know. He finally told me that about weeks ago. But how do I show him that type of thing is different since he left and now does not do those sorts of things? Now I have to do all those things myself, which I am doing ... but that shows him he is not needed - except if I didn't do them then things here would be a mess since he told me he won't do them. Thoughts?

Thanks, everyone.

Scotland - how do I connect with OW's facebook page / friends? She has a page ... but I'm not friends with her.
Thanks.

Faithful,

can you find her on FB or does she have you blocked?

Most people have their friend's lists to be seen by everyone, so if you can find her you maybe able to see her friends.

A trick if not is to "poke" her on FB. This will allow you to see her page and friends list for a day or so (unless they fixed this)

If she has you blocked, then you may need to enlist a friend's help on FB to get inside.

Can you search for her and then view her friends? If so, copy the list of friends and then expose to them ALL.

Eluna - looks like she may have me blocked. I can send her a message or friend request her but I cannot see anything else.

I do have someone that I can ask, though, to maybe get some info. Will check on it.

Thanks.

I wouldn't send her a message or a friend request. Maybe someone else can get to her friends list if she doesn't have her privacy settings too high.

Hello, all. Thought of another question. Even if he is not ready for NC letter, do I ask him to write one? And do I give him some suggested text? I think the idea of hand written is better than typed. And then I mail it, right? Return receipt? Do I ask him in person and then if he asks for text I can email that to him?
Thanks, all, for the support.

No point in asking for the NC letter just yet because it doesn't seem like he's really "all in" in light of his making demands on you for reconcilliation (i.e. tearing up the separation papers.) You want to wait until he truly commits to the marriage and is willing to do whatever it takes to recover. Doesn't sound like he is at this point.

Your job right now (in Plan A) is to become the best wife you can be, take care of yourself, and work on exposure. There should really be no relationship talk in Plan A. Have you read the basic concepts?

Princessmeggy,
yes, I have started reading the concepts. Will spend more time in there tonight. Man, I get started reading these threads and can go on for hours ... so much helpful information.

Can anyone point me in the "short story" of Plan A? I keep getting sidetracked. Want to make sure I see all the crucial parts. I get the no relationship talk. Needing some input on the "saying I love you" section. Since this is something he needs as an EN, so he claims, do I still leave it out?

I did give him the EN questionnaire and I am completing mine. Not sure if he'll respond, but at least I asked.

morning, all. Found the plan A /plan B info -- thank you. Unknowingly, I've been in plan A since Sept 2009. At least my instincts aren't all wrong.
Still praying and believing.

I just wanted to confirm ... Plan A can be a LOT of a one way street, right? So no blow ups from WH is good, and no responses to things from WH is OK and normal? Thanks, all.

Another question about exposure. Since he says they are back to being "only friends" and only talking, this still counts as EA and therefore A is still ongoing, even if no continued PA, right? I know that sounds stupid ... but I get a lot of babble and want to make sure I am weeding through it correctly.

Exposure to her parents? (Her H is already across the country and their D is pending). Is work still relevant since WH does not work there anymore? WH's parents know. He's got no close friends other than OW. So he says. Some buddies that he sees seldom - do I expose there, too, for the few times he sees them? My family all knows, but he hates them now, since he says they view him as the bad guy.

Thank you, friends, for your support and advice. Still figuring this out...

If they are in communication it is an A.

Expose to any and everyone you can, her parents too as they can express disapproval of her behavior and lean on her.