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Good way to put it.
However, for someone who loves you....for now he is sure not showing it even one bit. You deserve better.
Blessing


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Oh, I know I deserve better and I will get it. Like my H will get his when the Karma bus comes around. Told him that too on Sunday!


BW-me 47yrs
WH-him 50yrs
married 24yrs, together 25 yrs,DD 25yrs, DD 22yrs(granddaughter born 3/14/2012).
D-Day#1 discovered cell phone calls 6/30/2009
D-Day#2 7/26/2009
Plan D 06/2012/WH served 8/17/12
WH left 7/25/2009/WH moved in with OW 7/29/2009
Trying to reconcile 12/30/2009/left 10/22/2010
2nd OW 8/2011? and living in Idaho.
"Dochas" Gaelic for hope which I have with me at all times because it is tattooed on my lower back.
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Durabo... Latin for "I Will Endure."

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Oh Traci(I will get used to the new name too), I am so sorry. It hasn't turned out the way you wanted. I remember clearly the day that you posted that your WH wanted to some home. It gave me that little push while I had just gone into Plan B to know that it WAS possible. Even though it hasn't turned out to be marital recovery for you at this point, I do see personal recovery coming through. That alone gives me hope. Thank you.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Hey Traci,

Its taken what I would have guessed the apropiate or normal amount of time for you to see that WH is realy a cake-eater. Probably a lot by your eyes being opened with his affair and I hope the many people here who hate such selfish abuse of people like you.

Now I want to dig a little into your motivation and expectations of a Husband, and a little into why you ended up in this situation. This is stuff you will have to explore with a certiffied counselor, but as someone who has seen this sort of bondage, and been there myself in ways, I am pretty confident that there is something to look into.

What I know about you is ..
1) You hold a tough and demanding job.
2) You are a take charge caretaker with every aspect of your life.
3) You serve others, even when they are unable to take care of themselves, you do the work for them, try to make decisions for them and guide them.

In Short you are an awesome example of someone I would want on my side any day of the week.


You have heard the expression, " Behind every good Man is a good Woman" right? Well he has to be a good Man first Traci, you can't make that part of the equation happen. He has to decide that for himself. You have certainly done your part, he just doesn't want to play that game, he is spoiled and lazy, and your caring for him is NOT what made him that way. He is the one who let himself get in that condition.

I only say that because now with your new-found understanding that you never needed him and are better off without HIM, (if he continues to cake-eat), I hope you don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. The person that you are was and is awesome and true, you just did to much for someone who took you for granted. Probably the old saw' "A man marries a woman thinking she will never change, and a Woman marries a Man thinking that she will change him" is the culprit.

Many men marry women and treat them like thier mommy, refusing to grow up, and women who give thier husbands everything many times just keep giving as thier husbands just keep taking and don't live up to the potential thier wives see in them. Its a sad story you hear all over, here and in the world, sadly its the nature of the beast. Woman stress themselves untill they fall apart as nurturing is more natural for them, but it happens with men too.

I am glad you came here and know that it doesn't have to be that way, that there is a union that works in marriage and that it can be realized. It shows your character that instead of falling into the crap that he did and compromising the truth, you fought for what is right.

Don't let what happens with him change who you are, and especially, realize in time, that his actions are his own fault and that you are doing everything for him to grow up.

I hear you that you are through with him, I am glad you are done with the alien he has become. If you get him out of your life he will probably want back in when he realizes what he lost, and that is your decision to make. Either way don't cast pearls before swine anymore but do remember that what you have been giving has been pearls.

I told you a long time ago to make sure he does the heavy lifting in restoring your marriage. He hasn't done any, maybe a dark plan B will wake him up and you will forgive him as he treats you like he should, but it gonna have to be Him doing the work. Make him respect what you have been to him either way, and in the future don't pick any poor puppys from the shelter, not for your other half anyways, unless you want to train them and bear all the weight of what should be a partnership, not a day-care


Me 56 Former BS
Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years.
4 children
DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4
Me former BS
DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr
DSs 26 and 23
Teilhard de Chardin..We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. ...Sounds about right to me.
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Originally Posted By: PhoenixRising65
Had a friend of mine tell me today that what I said and did this Sunday and since will get my H attention as nothing else will. He even told me to go out with my girlfriends and let my H think I have a date. I will find out if he really cares or not. He said he did when his wife did this to him because he was the WS and it got his attention real fast and he realized that he wanted to save his marriage then but it was too late his wife decided she had had enough. Don't know if I would do that but it is an idea.


yeah the problems with pretending you have a date are varied.

1) They don't come back because they want just you, they still want both their fantasy and thier home. They still want "It All". They don't realize you are it all.

2) It adds to the instability of the marriage because it re-enforces how the happiness or unhappiness is rooted in "You just aren't able to make me happy", or 'You aren't what i wanted" fantasies.

3) The most decieving is that affairs are understandable and that people can't make changes to themselves by making decisions. Having a date threat just separates the two even more and justifies the affair. Remember its the secrecy that affairs thrive in, and its the intimacy that suffers in all lies between the two. "Two wrongs don't make a right" and when a wayward come to thier senses they depend on the one who didn't fall for the lie.

For personal recovery why lower yourself?

Last edited by ConstantProcess; 07/16/10 10:44 AM.
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H keeps trying to talk to me like I am still his friend which I am not.Told him to go away and leave alone and that we are no longer friends. Funny, he is too stupid to realize that he had more to lose than I do. H has lost everything and I really lost nothing except my best friend.

Overall, I am happy with my life. I might not like what is going on right now but I am happy. I know that I can not depend on someone else for my happiness but that I create my own happiness. I really don't regret what I have done my whole life, I might not be actually like some of my choices but I don't regret how my life has turned out. I like myself. My H, on the other hand is not happy with his life and depends on others and events for his happiness. So, he is doomked to be miserable and I told him. I told him that he deserved to be miserable for the rest of his life after what he had done to me and our marriage. also told him he would eventually get what he deserved.

I will be fine.


BW-me 47yrs
WH-him 50yrs
married 24yrs, together 25 yrs,DD 25yrs, DD 22yrs(granddaughter born 3/14/2012).
D-Day#1 discovered cell phone calls 6/30/2009
D-Day#2 7/26/2009
Plan D 06/2012/WH served 8/17/12
WH left 7/25/2009/WH moved in with OW 7/29/2009
Trying to reconcile 12/30/2009/left 10/22/2010
2nd OW 8/2011? and living in Idaho.
"Dochas" Gaelic for hope which I have with me at all times because it is tattooed on my lower back.
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Originally Posted By: PhoenixRising65
... My H, on the other hand is not happy with his life and depends on others and events for his happiness. So, he is doomked to be miserable and I told him....

....I will be fine.


Yeah thats the whole story in a nutshell IMO. Good Traci, glad to see yur adjusting.

Kinda reminds me of that saying;

There are three kinds of ppl in the world;

1) Those that make things happen.
2) Those that watch things happen.
3) Those that wonder what happened.

You are not one for standing still are you ?

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Even though I am doing fine I am still sad that this chapter of my life is over. I would be lying if I said it didn't hurt. I still love my H very much but there is nothing I can do anymore and now everything is God's hands. I am leaving it up to Him.


BW-me 47yrs
WH-him 50yrs
married 24yrs, together 25 yrs,DD 25yrs, DD 22yrs(granddaughter born 3/14/2012).
D-Day#1 discovered cell phone calls 6/30/2009
D-Day#2 7/26/2009
Plan D 06/2012/WH served 8/17/12
WH left 7/25/2009/WH moved in with OW 7/29/2009
Trying to reconcile 12/30/2009/left 10/22/2010
2nd OW 8/2011? and living in Idaho.
"Dochas" Gaelic for hope which I have with me at all times because it is tattooed on my lower back.
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 1,769
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Phoenix, you do not know how things will turn out for him and if at the end he will come to his senses and try to R.
The only thing for sure is that it has to come from him at this point, he has to literally beg to return. Anything short of that would be a much of the same scenario. It is out of our hands how much our WH want to ruin everything including themselves.
DO you work with you WH? Did he find a job in another school?
Blessing


atena
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My H is partners in a pest control company now. He isn't making very much. I am a nurse at a hospital here in town. It helps that I don't have to see him. I try to avoid him as much as possible at home.


BW-me 47yrs
WH-him 50yrs
married 24yrs, together 25 yrs,DD 25yrs, DD 22yrs(granddaughter born 3/14/2012).
D-Day#1 discovered cell phone calls 6/30/2009
D-Day#2 7/26/2009
Plan D 06/2012/WH served 8/17/12
WH left 7/25/2009/WH moved in with OW 7/29/2009
Trying to reconcile 12/30/2009/left 10/22/2010
2nd OW 8/2011? and living in Idaho.
"Dochas" Gaelic for hope which I have with me at all times because it is tattooed on my lower back.
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 430
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Have to admit that today is hard for me. I have been doing fine this whole week until today. I just feel like crying and screaming and taking a baseball bat to my H. Maybe it is a good thing I am at work instead of at home. I just feel like having a pity party for myself. It really hurts right now.


BW-me 47yrs
WH-him 50yrs
married 24yrs, together 25 yrs,DD 25yrs, DD 22yrs(granddaughter born 3/14/2012).
D-Day#1 discovered cell phone calls 6/30/2009
D-Day#2 7/26/2009
Plan D 06/2012/WH served 8/17/12
WH left 7/25/2009/WH moved in with OW 7/29/2009
Trying to reconcile 12/30/2009/left 10/22/2010
2nd OW 8/2011? and living in Idaho.
"Dochas" Gaelic for hope which I have with me at all times because it is tattooed on my lower back.
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 1,769
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It is difficult I know it is sunday and I too would like to spend it with my WH doing fun stuff, however, he is not the guy I knew. If he were here now it would be a nightmare. He is so messed up.
Just know that he is not much better off than you even if it might look so from a distance. He is addicted to OW. He knows he is doing wrong but he is not strong enough to end it.
blessing


atena
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I know my H is not over the OW but he doesn't realize this even though I have told him. He thinks because he hasn't seen her in 6 months that it is over. That is not true. Told him that as long as he had feelings for her that we didn't stand a chance. I know that he still loves me but he has to realize that as well. I don't plan on hanging around for him to find out. The reason I know that he isn't over OW is that he has done some things when he has ben drunk and doesn't remember. And yes, his drinking has increased. I've noticed this and have told him that he has been developing a drinking problem over the past 3-4 months. He is not handling things very well. He went out Wednesday, Thursday and Friday night and didn't stay out very late. As a matter of fact he was home before 9:30 Friday night and was drunk. He is going to kill himself if he doesn't watch it.


BW-me 47yrs
WH-him 50yrs
married 24yrs, together 25 yrs,DD 25yrs, DD 22yrs(granddaughter born 3/14/2012).
D-Day#1 discovered cell phone calls 6/30/2009
D-Day#2 7/26/2009
Plan D 06/2012/WH served 8/17/12
WH left 7/25/2009/WH moved in with OW 7/29/2009
Trying to reconcile 12/30/2009/left 10/22/2010
2nd OW 8/2011? and living in Idaho.
"Dochas" Gaelic for hope which I have with me at all times because it is tattooed on my lower back.
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Posts: 430
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I do have a journal that I write in once or twice a day and my H knows this and I almost wish he would read it. It would scortch him. In it I am writing to him or God and I hold nothing back. I always feel better when I am through. Wish I had my journal with me now, I could use about now. I will be glad when I quit hurting.


BW-me 47yrs
WH-him 50yrs
married 24yrs, together 25 yrs,DD 25yrs, DD 22yrs(granddaughter born 3/14/2012).
D-Day#1 discovered cell phone calls 6/30/2009
D-Day#2 7/26/2009
Plan D 06/2012/WH served 8/17/12
WH left 7/25/2009/WH moved in with OW 7/29/2009
Trying to reconcile 12/30/2009/left 10/22/2010
2nd OW 8/2011? and living in Idaho.
"Dochas" Gaelic for hope which I have with me at all times because it is tattooed on my lower back.
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ConstantProcess, I just want you to know that I would never go out on a date while still married. "2 wrongs don't make a right." I don't believe in dating while still being married. I'm not even going to let him believe that I am. That is just not me. I am true blue to the end. If he wants to believe that I am dating while I am out with my girlfriends then that is his imagination doing it not me. I am not even going to lead him to believe I am dating someone. Right now I don't think I will date at all for a long time. I've got too many other things would rather do. Like further my education. I would like to get my Master's degree in Medical Physics.


BW-me 47yrs
WH-him 50yrs
married 24yrs, together 25 yrs,DD 25yrs, DD 22yrs(granddaughter born 3/14/2012).
D-Day#1 discovered cell phone calls 6/30/2009
D-Day#2 7/26/2009
Plan D 06/2012/WH served 8/17/12
WH left 7/25/2009/WH moved in with OW 7/29/2009
Trying to reconcile 12/30/2009/left 10/22/2010
2nd OW 8/2011? and living in Idaho.
"Dochas" Gaelic for hope which I have with me at all times because it is tattooed on my lower back.
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Posts: 6,870
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Originally Posted By: PhoenixRising65
ConstantProcess, I just want you to know that I would never go out on a date while still married. "2 wrongs don't make a right." I don't believe in dating while still being married. I'm not even going to let him believe that I am. That is just not me. I am true blue to the end. If he wants to believe that I am dating while I am out with my girlfriends then that is his imagination doing it not me. I am not even going to lead him to believe I am dating someone. Right now I don't think I will date at all for a long time. I've got too many other things would rather do. Like further my education. I would like to get my Master's degree in Medical Physics.


Thats what I thought about you anyways Traci, I just saw it posted so I said that. I too feel the same way.

Hence the comment about "Why lower yoursef?" It was more of a agreement about how people with self respect,(like yourself), would think

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Hi Traci,
Just checking in. Keep forgetting you changed your name.

You are doing well and on a roller coaster ride that has less dips these days and more highs for your wellbeing.

Plan B is good even though you are limited because you are both in the same home. Bet these days he is thinking more about you instead of OW because you are acting out of character and not being his biggest cheerleader.

Waywards are dumb.

Blessings.


Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09

Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
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Originally Posted By: PhoenixRising65
....H keeps trying to talk to me like I am still his friend which I am not.Told him to go away and leave alone and that we are no longer friends. Funny, he is too stupid to realize that he had more to lose than I do. H has lost everything and I really lost nothing except my best friend...


This is the most painful part and those betrayed I think feel this the most. They lost thier best friend, thier friend betrayed them, the one they trusted with thier life is found to not care for it anymore and discarded it without warning. Its like you can't trust yourself anymore. There is a rift and a loss that goes beyond any other temporal value.

You nailed it Traci

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I'm worried about my H. I came home and he was gone and because he moved out. I know he is drinking again and I know everyone is going to say that is his problem not mine, but I still care. I guess he won't stay out too late since he is always home at a decent time.

I have to share my one fantasy/dream with everyone that I suspect we all have here. I want my H to finally admit he was wrong and that he loves and will do anything to get me back. But I know in reality that it will never happen. It is just a dream though, and my dreams don't come true. So back to reality I go.


BW-me 47yrs
WH-him 50yrs
married 24yrs, together 25 yrs,DD 25yrs, DD 22yrs(granddaughter born 3/14/2012).
D-Day#1 discovered cell phone calls 6/30/2009
D-Day#2 7/26/2009
Plan D 06/2012/WH served 8/17/12
WH left 7/25/2009/WH moved in with OW 7/29/2009
Trying to reconcile 12/30/2009/left 10/22/2010
2nd OW 8/2011? and living in Idaho.
"Dochas" Gaelic for hope which I have with me at all times because it is tattooed on my lower back.
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