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#2400835 07/05/10 07:44 PM
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I was here about a year ago and I was the wayward. Now I have been betrayed. I discovered yesterday that my husband of 11 years has been talking on the phone with and texting another woman since May. She lives in South Carolina and we live in Texas.

It seemed to me that things were getting better but I have to assume really they were not.

He did call her in my presence and tell her he had disrespected me, our marriage and our kids and that he could no longer communicate with her.


Here for advice on how to proceed.

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Did you ever tell your H the truth about your own affairs?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Yes I did tell him the truth. It has only been the last 3-4 months that I felt we were getting some past my hurting him.

I guess I should not be shocked!


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Did you tell him EVERYTHING you mentioned in your first thread? (eg, that you had been involved in a EA with OM1 the entire marriage, including phone sex, etc) If so, when?

Did you do the other things outlined in the first thread to help your BH get over your longtime cheating & rebuild your M such as being 100% O&H, sending a NC letter & setting up EPs?

Why did you stop posting?


Ddays 2007 and 2011
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I guess my questions have to do with how your H took the news you gave him about your affairs. Also what did you do for him to address the reality that the marriage had been a lie for a long time?

His affair is not justified, but you need to understand where he may be coming from. It is possible he wanted someone he could trust, which ironically is NOT usually found on the web.

Have you two talked about his needs? His feelings? and how he sees himself in light of your marriage long affairs?

Have articulated to him how you feel and what you want in the way of a marriage?

What plans have you two made to rebuild this marriage?

My guess is that he has felt your distance from him for a long time and poorly chose to act on it.

Look forward to hearing from you.

JL


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I was painfully and brutually honest with him about all my stuff. I have heard it all again numerous times since I discovered his behavior. He is saying that even though he had noticed a positive change in me, he was not sure I was in lo0ve with him. I have incorporated some of the MB principles into our marriage but for instance when I talk to him about radically honesty he does not think its necessary on the level described her.

I have not had contact with OM1 or OM2. OM1's wife contacted me and I have not communicated in any fashion with him since then. My H contacted OM2 and ended that. Our cell phone bills are where both of ours can be viewed by the other. He has all the password to my computer, my email account, and my cell phone. I have really tried to change me.

I stopped posting but did not stop reading or visisting the site because we were seeing a counselor and seemed to be making real progress.

We talked about his needs and he says I have done better at meeting then but he is always waiting for things to change. He has been really hurt by my selfish, immoral behavior. Rightfully so!

I have told him that we need to reconnect on another level intimately. I have printed out some of the articles here. I own all the books, SAA, LB, HNHN, HNHNP, DTM, 5 steps, BFR, and GT.

I can and will forgive him. We both are committed to the marriage. I just don't know what to do now........


WW-40; 2-EA's
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Imon,

The course is straight forward, continue to show him that the changes you have made are real. Continue to show him that while you may have been shelfish and immoral in the past you have changed and will continue on a path that you can look at with pride.

Mostly hang in there for awhile and continue plan A. It may not end the affair, but it will plant seeds.

God Bless,

JL

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The past week has been progress and setbacks.

1. I have not been able to expose to the OW because I can not find out who her husband is. My H did call her with me present and tell her what they had done was disrespectful to me, our, and our marriage and to no longer contact him. I was also able to speak to her. He maintains he has had no contact with her since then which was 7/4/10.

2. We have talked, talked, and talked. I have told him we need to complete the EN questionnaire, LB questionnaire, and look at implementing POJA. He has agreet to the questionnaires and is willing to read more about other MB principles.

3. During our talks he has told me some of the things he was frustrated about in our marriage (for example ironing the kids clothes, fixing their lunches, cooking everyday) I have taken over those task since we talked about them. He is acknowleging the changes.

4. I have not had any contact with OM1, OM2, or any other man except or Pastor that was via the phone. I never truly realized the pain and anguish my past A's had caused until now.

5. We have had 3 counseling appointment with a marriage counselor which has gone very well.

6. My biggest issue has been one of friends was caught having an A this past week also. He also has one other friend who wive suspects he may be too having an A. These are all friends of his that he rides his motorcycle with. Because this is the time of the year they socialize and ride the most I'm having a hard time feeling comfortable with him doing anything that involves his motorcycle. I have told him that for NOW I'm not going to ask him to give it up. Should I?

7. Im also nervous about a trip I need to take in a few weeks. However rational or irrational I feel that if I am away and the kids are gone he will have more time and opportunity to engage in undesirable behavior. This is new to me because I have never felt that I had to question his behavior.

We were able to spend the weekend alone without the kids and just talk, talk, talk and more talk. How do thers here acheive the 15/25 hours of time together when you both spouses work FT and our kids are involved in sports?


WW-40; 2-EA's
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Now he's been caught

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Imontheverge, I read your posts from a year ago and there were several things that stuck out but this one really bothered me.

Originally Posted by Imontheverge
He is a good guy with GREAT potential. He is dedicated to his family, he's a hard worker, and very sensitive.

If my husband said I was a good woman with GREAT potential I would find that offensive. These 2 sentences speak volumes to me. They are mostly negative IMO. Do you still feel this way? Have you ever talked to him about how you really feel?

Now you post...
Originally Posted by Imontheverge
During our talks he has told me some of the things he was frustrated about in our marriage (for example ironing the kids clothes, fixing their lunches, cooking everyday) I have taken over those task since we talked about them. He is acknowleging the changes.
This sounds like he feels like you are a good woman with GREAT potential. I think you both should be radically O&H about how you feel. I see a lot of resentment on both sides that has never been addressed.


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If you both truly want to work on this M then the good thing is that you both have the ability to view this from the wayward/betrayed side of things.

Work this to your advantage


Plan D June 08
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Suamico,

I had to go back and re-read my post from last year. I'm really not sure why I described my husband of having GREAT potential. I agree that comment is offensive. The only explanation I can offer is that at the time of that post I was not ready to take responsiblity for my actions and the damage I was doing to my marriage. I m sure that that was my way of trying to make him the focus and responsible for the problems I felt we were having at that time.

During our marriage I have been verbally, phsically, and emotionally abusive to my H. I had a lot of unresolved pain that I took out on him because IMO he was a safe target. Because of that history he has admitted to having some resentment that we are currently talking about in counseling. In my heart I think his A with this OM was his passive aggressive behavior for what I did to him. Does that excuse him, NO!

I will admit that I have had problems with being O&H. In talking with my H about the MB principles this is one thing I told him we need to incorporate more into our marriage. This is one area that we tend to disagree on. He feels there may be some situations that should left unsaid. For example he thinks if a friend tells him something in confidence he should not discuss it with anyone including me.



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Originally Posted by SapphireReturns

I am 40, my H is 37. We have been married 11 years. This is my 2nd marriage, his 1st. We have two daughters aged 9 and 5.

He met the OW in May went he went to a motorcycle event with his friends. He says they stopped at a truck stop and she was in there eating and starting asking questions about the bikes and were they were going . In the end he gave her his phone number and this begins the saga.

They both say they have not had any contact since the inital meeting but they have talked and texted a lot. I found out about the A from the cell phone bill. It was truly just my intuation that said to check the phone bill and when I did I noticed the her recurring number. When I initially confronted him about it he denied it. After about 2 hours he admitted the truth. I asked him to leave and to tell our girls why he was being asked to leave. So overall the A lasted from May-July.


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Originally Posted by Imontheverge
Suamico, I had to go back and re-read my post from last year. I'm really not sure why I described my husband of having GREAT potential. I agree that comment is offensive. The only explanation I can offer is that at the time of that post I was not ready to take responsiblity for my actions and the damage I was doing to my marriage. I m sure that that was my way of trying to make him the focus and responsible for the problems I felt we were having at that time.

hurray for recognizing you were in a fog back then.
Originally Posted by Imontheverge
During our marriage I have been verbally, phsically, and emotionally abusive to my H. I had a lot of unresolved pain that I took out on him because IMO he was a safe target. Because of that history he has admitted to having some resentment that we are currently talking about in counseling. In my heart I think his A with this OM was his passive aggressive behavior for what I did to him. Does that excuse him, NO!
Yes there is NO excuse for his A. I am glad you recognize how damaging your behavior was. When was the last time you were abusive? Did you recognize it on your own or did he bring it to your attention?

Originally Posted by Imontheverge
I will admit that I have had problems with being O&H. In talking with my H about the MB principles this is one thing I told him we need to incorporate more into our marriage. This is one area that we tend to disagree on. He feels there may be some situations that should left unsaid. For example he thinks if a friend tells him something in confidence he should not discuss it with anyone including me.
Early on in our marriage I felt the same way as your husband. For some reason people tend to spill their guts to me. I thought as long as it had nothing to do with me, my DH or our marriage it wasn't an issue. My DH had a big problem with this. I guess at first I was thinking if someone tells me something in confidence and I tell my DH then I have betrayed the trust of that person. I did agree with DH because if it bothered him it was important to take his feelings into consideration. After a little while I did realize he was 100% RIGHT. If anyone says to me "Please don't tell anyone...." I stop them right away and tell them I don't keep anything from my DH. You know, even after they know I will tell DH they still trust both of us enough to still confide in me.


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I have spent the last 2 hours reading many post and stories on here. I have always believed in the MB principles and think they will work when implemented. My concern is how to get my husband on board. He does not like to read. During the 11 years we have been married I have not seen him read more than 10-15 pages in a magazine at one time. I also don't think he would come to this site and read or participate either. I have been printing out some the articles and asking him to read them. He takes them, I'm not sure he reads them because he never metions them again.

I know that I have been unfaithful but I really want things to be better for us. I want to spend more time together, I want us to have less independent behavior, I want us to make more decisions together rather than "whatever you think is best".

I'm also trying to fight off getting depressed. When I'm worried or bothered by something I have tendency to take to the bed and sleep just so I don't have to think about things. I currently take Cymbalta 60 m.g and don't know if perhaps I need to give my doctor a call.

I'm really not myself.....my marriage was the one thing that I felt was stable and solid in my life but every since 7/4/10 things have been shifted under me. Things feel out of control.

Needing advice........


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Quote
I'm really not myself.....my marriage was the one thing that I felt was stable and solid in my life but every since 7/4/10 things have been shifted under me. Things feel out of control.

I have a real problem with this line. You see, you had an EA for pretty much the entire length of your marriage. Do you REALLY feel like you had a SOLID marriage? Or do you just feel out of control NOW because you don't know what your WH is really going to do?


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I do feel like I have no control of what is happening. However up until this point my H has been very solid. I never doubted that I could trust him, he was always there for me, he was very solid. Now I feel like I can't trust anything in my life.


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So, instead what you are saying is that your world was rocked because you trusted your WH totally and you were blindsided by his betrayal. Now THAT I can understand. Your WH also felt like that on his DDay for YOUR affair when he was the BH. He is very wrong for having a RA. We are warned here all of the time that we are HIGHLY susceptible to a revenge affair when we are a BS.

It doesn't change how you recover from this though. You still have to change yourself and learn about who you have become. Difference is that for you, there will be a lot more work. Your marriage couldn't have been recovered the MB way since your WH was able to have an affair of his own. How did you recover from your affair?


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
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PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

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My plan for the weekend is to finish reading SAA. I have printed out the EQ for us to complete. Im having a hard time getting my H to read stuff. We will see how that goes.

Im really nervous this weekend because he is gone on another motorcycle trip. This is how he meet the OW. We did discuss him not going but I told him I would not make that decision for him. At this point that is not something he is willing to give up.

So many things are going on in my head. .......


WW-40; 2-EA's
H-37

Married 11 years

Now he's been caught

DD-9
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