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Joined: Jul 2010
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mmel Offline OP
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So why am I posting in this thread?

Well, I thought I was the smartest woman in the world...I found these great books to read and prepare for my upcoming marriage. This time I was going to do it right! I met my husband (50). I'm 46. I've been divorced for 21 years. We decided not to live together. We worked through the 5 steps to romantic love workbook before we got married! I really felt like we had the tools to make a perfect marriage. We were so incredibly happy, compatible, the works!! Now fast forward 6 months into my marriage. I have discovered that my husband has kept a very big secret. There's this little problem with alcohol! I am the breadwinner of the family by choice, and he stays home by choice. About once a month I have come home to find him drunk off his behind! Stumbling, incoherent, mean, and smelling like a distillery. The next day when I ask about it...try to communicate, I get lies. So the trust is now destroyed, and consequently all the other good things we had are gone too. I just kicked him out after another day of me coming home to him drinking. He has to get himself clean and I don't know if I am going to give him the time to do it. The betrayal and lies are too damaging. Wow...

I am not really looking for anyone to say its ok I don't think. I just needed to vent. I really love reading on this site. I have an immense amount of respect for Harley.

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mmel, so sorry to hear about that.

How long did you date before marriage? I'm wondering how he hid the drinking from you. Does he have a history of drinking?

What does he do all day when you're at work? Could he be bored?

Did you say he drinks like that (to excess) only once a month? Does he drink (less) other times, too?

When you say he gets mean, what does he do? Is he violent?

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mmel Offline OP
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Sidney, it makes no sense to me. We dated for about a year. He drinks so rarely. Now that I have seen this about 4 or 5 times, I have spoken to his mother and yes he does have a history that no one bothered to fill me in on. He does the laundry, yard work, cleaning, fix it up things around the house. There is actually alot to do around here.

Yes, I think he is very bored. I have made alot of suggestions over the past 6 months about doing volunteer work and have even introduced him to people who could set him up with fun volunteer things to do. He has not taken the initiative to follow up.

He does not drink at other times. We vacation about every other month and he does not drink at all when we vacation. I will have drinks when on vacation...not in excess but socially. I don't drink at home because of my job.

He does not get violent but gets loud, cusses, slams doors and just gets indignent that I would dare accuse him of drinking when I confront him....He is not at all violent.

This is so weird. His mother said he was in and out of AA for many years...

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Originally Posted By: mmel
This is so weird. His mother said he was in and out of AA for many years...

mmel, this Sunday I will have been a sober member of A.A. for nineteen years. "In and out" of A.A. to me means "out of A.A."

From your description, it sounds to me like your husband is a binge drinker. My ex-wife was the same way. She could go months on end without taking a drink, but then, when left alone for several days would go on horrific binges.

Being alcoholic means not being able to predict what will happen after taking the first drink. It does not mean drinking every day, drinking to blackout, or any specific pattern. A.A. states, "we have lost the power over the first drink." That's it.

I am sorry for you. Life with an active alcoholic is hell on earth. You have made a wise choice to leave. Your alternative choice is to stay and immediately start going to Al-Anon.

Personally, since you're so early into your marriage, I think you're better off leaving and letting him find his bottom without you.

Good luck.


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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mmel Offline OP
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Thanks for the information Fred. I love my husband, but I also love myself. You have opened my eyes, and I am strong enough to make difficult decisions.

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mmel...

You know how you loved learning all the cool concepts from the books, felt like they really spoke to you, gave you awesome confidence for your marriage?

Al-Anon was like that for me...and like Fred, I'm going to urge you to attend meetings, whether you stay with your current H or not.

Do it for you. Do it for your life. Adds more to what you've learned. Helps others, too.

LA

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mmel Offline OP
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Thank you LA, I really want to go to an Al-anon meeting, but I am in a small town and am pretty well known. Quite frankly that scares me to death. I am going to overcome this though to go. I have been all over the Al-anon site and believe it could really be helpful as you say. Thank you for your words

mmel

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Originally Posted By: mmel
Thank you LA, I really want to go to an Al-anon meeting, but I am in a small town and am pretty well known. Quite frankly that scares me to death. I am going to overcome this though to go. I have been all over the Al-anon site and believe it could really be helpful as you say. Thank you for your words

mmel, two things to consider:

1) The "Anon" part of the name stands for "anonymous." These meetings aren't a social gathering, they are for like-minded people looking for answers and help. Their anonymity is every bit as important to them as yours is to you.

2) If you see someone you know at a meeting, what do you think THEY are there for?

Today marks my nineteenth year of continuous sobriety. I attend anywhere from five to nine meetings a week. To this day, neither of my next door neighbors knows anything about my membership. However, I would not be hesitant to tell either of them if it would give them some help by doing so.

Originally Posted By: Heard at meetings all over the globe
"What you hear here, who you see here, let it stay here when you leave here."


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi

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