What was in the bag? Maybe you can avoid the whole bag BS by not sending DS w/ one next time. The way Scotland does. She just sends her sons w/ the clothes they have on.

If they need anything, WH has to buy them.

Ds10 packed his own bag. I didn't even suggest or remind him.

And he will walk in. He is still fighting me over the furniture I took from the marital home...he wants in so he can get a visual on what all I took so he can whine about me getting more.

I HAVE asked ds repeatedly to say goodbye at the truck. He is either forgetting or ignoring me OR XH is ignoring him.

I will try the 'out of sight' thing on Wednesday. My entrance area is small---I can be out of sight just 3 steps around the corner so I can cut XH off quickly if he comes in. I will tell ds before I drop him off what the plan is for when his dad brings him home...we will see if it takes.

As soon as DS enters the home, close the door behind him.

If you stand behind the door you can close it w/o ever setting eyes on XH.

...Then you can quickly run to turn on the sprinklers that you have pointed right at your front door. LOL

Lock the door. Then, when DS arrives, wait until he comes to the door and rings the bell to get in. Then open the door fast, let him in, and close it.

Or, have someone else open the front door for your son.

Or, have your EX drop your son off at the neighbors house instead of yours. Then go get him.

My good friend was in a situation where she found lots of ways to stay dark.

Their transfer point was Saturday morning. DD's dad would bring her to her sports activity, and my friend would pick her up after. She'll drop her DD off at my house to play with my kids, or at one of her neighbor's house, and DD will call her dad letting him know where to pick her up. This would only work if the other parent was reliable, though.

What led to this conversation? Why was DS speculating about dad's anger? Did you ask him WHY XH was angry?

PM you read my mind..

SW, was happy to hear about your DS lego room and that you kept busy, but when I read that line it gave me pause?

Did you ask DS if his Dad was angry? These are the questions you need to avoid. Your DS has no clue why or if his Dad is mad. He is a wayward and they are plain dumb.

Blessings.

This is what I do...well, I unfortunately do not have sprinklers...but it is a lovely thought.

Ds went looking for his bag and asked why it was outside. I told him. Then we both BRIEFLY discussed it. I didn't let the topic linger.

I had to REALLY bite back words just now...ds mentioned it felt weird that he missed services yesterday. I said, 'yeah...' Then he says, 'That is what OW said. She said, 'I know why we are all so tired...because we are used to getting up and going to church.'" I was like, 'huh?' I did say, 'She goes to church?' He shrugged...I said, 'do you think your dad goes with her?' He shrugged...then I caught myself and LET IT GO.

See I have this life long problem of being too curious for my own good. When I worked in the office they said I was curious as a cat...sometimes it can be a good thing, but dealing with an XH and his OW is NOT one of those.

I would like to report that ds and I had a great day. I didn't discuss OW or his dad...a few times he brought things up but I quickly caught myself and let the topic die naturally...SB's suggestion of asking myself, 'Will I control my emotional outbursts with my ds?' REALLY worked. He has been a little cranky today....overtired I believe...but I've been patient and kind to him...and not quizzed him about his dad or OW.

My friends and I painted him up a GREAT Lego room...OMgosh it looks so fabulous...went shopping for bedding to match today....so I'm feeling hopeful that life will be ok.


You are all lifesavers. Thanks.

DS said that "maybe his father was angry all weekend" because that is how males make an opening gambit into a conversation when they want to be ASKED a question, but are uncomfortable bringing up a topic.


They pose a hypothesis.


He posed one, you didn't bite. Oddly enough, you turned a MALE stance on your DS - which is - you did something a guy would do: you turned down the unspoken request to talk about something deeper, by not taking the request and asking the question "Why do you think he was angry all weekend?" which is an almost natural response to his statement.

He posed it. Your "pass" on the question, by not asking, was taken by your DS (in male terms) as a refusal to discuss.

You "told" your DS that you were not interested in what your WXH was angry about, and your DS understood that. So he also "passed" on details about your WXH's mood over the weekend.

This carried into the topic of the luggage, and OW's son getting to be right all the time. DS "passed" on those topics, too.


The vacation with WXH was not a fantasy come true, not a little Brady Bunch fun trip. My guess is that OW's little son was kind of a brat, your DS was a bit exasperated with him being a brat and wasn't happy that he had to be right all the time, WXH was griped at by OW the whole weekend because WXH's SON was NOT being the BEST CHILD IN THE WHOLE WORLD LIKE HER SON WAS, and why couldn't WXH's son be perfect and couldn't WXH do SOMETHING to make things PERFECT????? And your DS being just a kid did not understand the entire dynamic of this "gotta be perfect" vacation just didn't make things terrrrrrific for the bia*^Tch(^y little OW. Which translated to a not-to-happy WXH, and a not terrific little vacation for WXH, so by the time he got to your house, WXH realized that these little vacations you all used to take


were more work than he remembered.


Probably because YOU used to do the WORK part.


And he didn't ever figure that out.


OW is NOT meeting his EN's. And his little fantasy world sucks.




SB

Oh, and whatever you do


do NOT ask DS about the vacation and why WXH was angry all weekend. That is GUY STUFF.


Let.

It.

Rest.



Your trip to NY is coming up, look forward to THAT instead, and talk it UP!


SB

SW, need any NYC tips. I go there often. Your son will have a great time. Great museums, great shows, great food -- you will have a blast.

A couple of other things that let me know it wasn't all roses for XH....ds said OW and her son went to the mall while XH and ds went to some other thing...and XH only let ds swim at the hotel pool for an hour the first night...the second night ds didn't get to swim at the hotel at all because according to ds 'XH didn't want to. They just went to bed.'

And you are correct that I always did all the work for vacations.....this time he took a day of vacation (Friday) to prepare FOR vacation...spent his vacation day mowing the lawn (which I always did), running errands (which I always did) and booking the hotel rooms (which I always did).

Oh well. Sucks to be SW's WXH.

SB I was confused at first when you were explaining how ds threw that comment out there and I 'passed' on it....I thought you were saying I shouldn't have passed. Truth is it wasn't natural AT ALL for me to NOT quiz him about it...I exercised extreme restraint to LET. IT. Die. So you are saying I did the right thing?

I did ask ds if he had fun. He said yes, but not enthusiastically...I asked him to rate it on a scale of 1-10....he gave it a 5.

I will. Dont have a ton of time there...maybe 2 full free days....making my list of MUST Do and discussing it with ds A LOT. Talking it up.

Right now he is more excited about going to Houston to see my sister and his cousins...a waterpark there that is awesome. And I showed him the wave pool on line and told him he and I would spend as much time as he wants there.Schlitterbahn? Is that the name of that water park?

Anyway, it will be fun. A little emotional for me as I will be seeing my bio dad for the second time in my 45 years of life...and meeting lots of other family I've never met.

SW,

I am 3.5 hours away from Houston! Yes that water park is awesome.

Why haven't you seen your Dad all that time?

NYC has lots to offer. There is no other place in the world like it.

My mom got pregnant in 1964 with me....he said, 'not my problem.' So she went and raised me without his help. She was from AR and in Houston to work...so she went home and that was that.

(I typed out the long version and then decided not to post it! LOL)

I am excited about the trip to Houston though.

You passed, which was GOOD. Great, in fact.

You passed using a MALE pattern of conversation, BTW, which is to virtually ignore the opening given by the other person.

Your son recognized the "pass". He was NOT hurt by the pass - in fact, he took it like a MALE would - which means he understood that this is something you choose not to discuss...your WXH's moods and personal problems with OW, whatever his struggles are with OW, you do not care to hear. DS read the pass exactly correctly - and you gave the message in a very unusual way for SW. DS was probably a little taken aback initially (internally), but likely proud at your strength.

Then, with the apology, he understands.......


He sees a renewal. For a male, this signals strength, rejuvenation,


and with the ACTIONS he will see from you


he will understand even more that you are on a new path for your future.

Your job? MATCH what you have said with WHAT YOU DO.


Make your actions and reactions match your message.


Each and every time you do this, you will accomplish movement toward:

Healing from the affair
Moving toward a position of strength within yourself
Forming a foundation of self-control and forward-thinking
Setting an example for DS
Accomplishing your goal of "Will I???" by answering "YES I WILL"


Every time you "win", DS also wins.



And, in the long run, the distance between the nuclear explosion in your life that was the affair and divorce grows ever farther - and ever less intrusive on your daily emotional status.


Guaranteed.




SB

Great advice!

We had a great day....did more unpacking.....got the 3rd bedroom/X-Box room totally cleaned out. Ds10, who is usually VERY emotionally attached to every. single. toy. he ever had was uncharacteristically willing to purge today. I'm thinking it has something to do with wanting a PP3. I told him he could take any yard sale money and put toward the purchase of a PP3...

We've been talking up the Houston trip..and the NYC trip. No talk of his dad today. In fact, XH barely crossed my mind...I'm just excited about getting stuff totally unpacked and organized.

Thanks for the great email SB. I'm so glad I handled ds right after his trip with his dad and other woman...

I noticed something today....I get cranky with ds when it is a drop off day.

I controlled myself...I even changed my words mid-sentence to NOT mention OW...but I definitely must work on the trigger of drop off.

I got to WXH's house about 10 minutes early and he was about 3 minutes late....I saw him coming and tried to get ds out of the car before XH got in the driveway....but ds was asleep and I couldn't get him awake enough to boot him out of the car...:)

XH came around to ds's side of the car...I didn't make eye contact with him at all....said good bye to ds and backed away.
I also asked ds to please say to his dad at drop off, 'I don't need you to walk me to the door dad. Bye!' He was oddly resistant to this. He asked me what he should do if his dad asks if I 'put him up to it.' I said, 'It is no secret that I don't want your dad walking you to the door. I've told him repeatedly...he knows. So you aren't doing anything wrong by requesting he not walk you to the door.'

We will see how it goes.