Dr Harley uses the analogy of the lovebank which is a more optimistic one because it implies that even if it goes into the red it's possible to come back from that.
Dr Harley does say, though, that sometimes the spouse closes the LB so that deposits cannot get through. He warns a WS against pushing things and messing about until this point is reached.
However, I understood kellidane to be asking about whether it is realistic to hope that her H will end the affair, not how long her own willingness to reconcile will last. Is that correct, kellidane? Are you asking this because, after six weeks, he has not changed his stance, exposure has not brought any consequences and he is living with OW?
I see strong indicators that he will continue on this path until the affair burns itself out. I do not think that the usual Plan A and Plan B measures will work to end the affair. I say this because, as Dr Harley says, one of the main pulls back to the marriage is when there are dependent children.
The WS is getting some of his most important needs met by OW. The main need that you can provide that she cannot is his family life. When the WS leaves his children, he knows that he is hurting them, and he misses them. The children are a strong pull back to the marriage.
However, yours are all adults, even if some of them are still living at home. Your H probably does not feel responsible for their welfare and happiness the way he did 15 years ago when they were young.
I have read here that Steve Harley (Dr Harley's son) tells the BS that Plan B is unlikely to bring the WS back to the marriage when there are no dependent children. It seems that, without children, or with fully adult children, the WS is easily able to see the "fatherhood" part of his life as finished.
It isn't really possible for anyone here to tell you whether your Plan A/Plan B measures will bring your H back to the marriage. There are many BSs here who have followed the Harley strategy of Plan A (including exposure) and Plan B, and who have very young children, whose WS does not go back.
Certainly it is likely that this 25 year-old married mother is not seriously interested in a future with your H. As many people pointed out on your other threads, she might be looking for a way to bring her H and kids from Guatemala to the USA, and she will use your money to do so.
okay - her husband is in Guatemala with her 2 young sons where she plans on leaving them. He is an illegal alien and she was working to get him papers and then they were going to work together to get their sons up here too, but now she figures that the kids are better off without her since she is so messed up.
I even more firmly believe that your priority right now should be to secure legal assistance in making sure that FAMILY resources and finances are protected.
This woman could be targeting your WH in a scam that siphons money from your family. She could working to get her illegal alien husband and 2 young sons in the United States.
Protect your assets....worry about a marriage with a serial adulterer later (this is his
FIFTH affair????)
committed
I don't think you acted on this advice, but I think you must. You stated today that your H intends to petition a no-fault divorce in six months. You must not let that happen.
You should seek legal advice about petitioning first, for adultery. Depending on your state, this might make no difference in the division of assets, but filing now will allow you to protect your existing assets before your H gives them away to OW.
You are in a dangerous position, kellidane, and you need to act today. The affair will probably end in under two years, messily and with humiliation for your H. However, you must not allow yourself to be taken to the cleaners financially before that happens.
