Hi all, I am back here again because I feel that I have become stuck in an ugly place that I want to get out of but somehow I am not able. I am now on antidepressants, I have sleeping meds and yet sleep is elusive. My memories are killing me because they are evoking rage that I thought I would have gotten past by now, last night I woke up in a rage, the memory? the fact that WH brought OW into my home and bed, another night the memory was the sight of his phone bill showing me how often they spoke and texted every single day, another time it was the fact that when myself, OW, OWH and WH were on vacation together (April 2010)and he was texting her right in front of me. How do I stop this? is there a time frame when I should be able to get past the rage?

Hi teaser. I've been wondering how you were.

More important than a timeline is what your H has been doing to:

1. Stay out of contact with OW. (what's the status there?)

2. Be completely transparent. (Is he?)

3. Establish EPs (extraordinary precautions to be sure he never puts himself in a situation where he could have an A. (Has he done this?)

4. Meet your ENs and avoid LBs. (Have you told each other what they are? Have you both made these changes?)

5. Are you spending at least 15 hours a week meeting each other's intimate emotional needs? (Affection, Conversation, Recreational Companionship, and Sexual Fulfillment)

6. Is he being radically honest?

Sounds like all of that's not happening...what IS happening?

Righthere, thank you so much for your inquiry! life has been hard, the struggle-difficult. He has given me his passwords for 2 e mail accounts, however, he has a job e mail that he say says he does not feel comfortable giving me access to-needless to say that evokes all sorts of suspicions. As to his phone, he no longer hides them and I can look at them whenever I please, again, I feel that he can manipulate the phones but I feel that he is no longer in contact with OW because things got ungly after my exposure, unfortunately I found some lewd pictures of her, taken in MY KITCHEN and I promptly sent them to the people I had exposed the e mails to, this ticked her off and she called and left ugly messages on his phone, she blames him for her picture going viral.
He does call a couple of times during the course of the day to check in(either by phone call or text.He goes nowhere without me after work. Qustions 5 &b 6 are not going so well.

Have you been able to determine whether he is still in contact with her in any way?

What is preventing you from spending undivided attention time with each other, meeting the needs for recreational companionship, affection, conversation and sexual fulfillment?

Is it him or YOU who is keeping this from happening?

I am hoping that by reposting this new thread I could get some input-I truly need some help!!!!

Righthere IS helping you. Can you please answer the last questions?

teaser

The first things you need to do are make sure that items 1-6 from righttherewaiting are being accomplished. Until they are happening, you will continue to feel worse. But unfortunately, it is probable that you will suffer rage even after these steps are being taken. It takes a long long long time for BS's to get over their rage even in the most MB centered recoveries.

Hey Righthere, I think that it is me, when we try to spend time together, I keep remebering all the betrayal, I am having a hard time undersatanding that if for 5 years he preferred being with her and spent so much time talking to her, how is it that all of a sudden now he wants to talk to me? I am in a very dark place right now because my self esteem and feeling of self worth is at zero.
I don't believe that he has been in contact with her although I have no way of proving this, its just my gut feeling. I had listened to a voice message she left him and she started out by saying that she did not think he would take this call from her either which tells me she has been trying her best to contact him from different numbers and he has not been answering.
The SF is a big issue for me and he has not even tried, when I brought it up he said dont worry it will happen.

Five years of betrayal is very hard to get past, my mind keeps going back to all the lies-both big and small, and I am extremely disturbed by the fact that the betrayal went on for so long.

There are a lot of layers to our issues and I am beginning to feel that they are just too much for me, I am mentally worn out.

The last 2 questions righthere asked: we are not able to spend the 15 hours without me getting upset so I am saying that I know that it is my fault but here is the thing, most of the time when I try to talk to him and ask questions his answers are not specific enough for me to be satisfied with the, an example, what were you getting from her that you were not getting from me? answer: I don't know specificall, lots of little things, we laughed talked silly stuff, my response I thought we also did that, his response, yes we did but I don't know, I can't remember specific things that we talk about, it was just overall things. I am sorry but this does not do it for me, so then I get angry.

The issue I guess boils down to the fact that I do not believe that he is being radically honest.

The issues of the affair being in my house and in my bed keeps getting in the way, the fact that it was with someone who was SUPPOSED to be my friend trips me up and also the times I see that they were texting each other right in fron of me ugh......

((((Teaser)))))

You are still brand new into this and your emotions are still very raw and understandably so. It WILL get better if you guys stick to the MB plans.

Five years IS a long time. If there is ANY contact AT ALL, then his withdrawal sets back to zero and takes you back to D-Day all over again.

What extra precautions is he taking to protect your marriage?

Oh, and I would get rid of the bed and buy a new one!

Princess-We are planning to redo the whole darn bedroom, after all she has been in my shower too. In terms of his protecting the marriage, Ihe is going to counselling although he has not had a session in a couple of weeks, he come straight home from work, he checks in throughout the day, I have passwords to his e mail accounts, and he leaves his phone out in the open. But for some reason I am still not getting the feeling of committment that I want, he seems to feel that because he has ended the affair, we should be able to move on now, and I try to expalin to him that it is not that simple, there are deeper issues here, after all when I broke into his e mail there are a lot of things I discovered, including the fact that the 5 year relatinshi was not the only one, therte were at least 2 more, not to mention some other correspondence with other women that were completely sexual in nature but whom he swears that he was not sleeping with-this is all too overwhelming for me.

This from a man who supposedly has an issue with impotence?????

Teaser - what are your top ENs? How is he doing meeting them? Sure he's checking in, acting trustworthy. But if he is coming home and doing nothing to meet your ENs you WONT be able to trust him. The best defence against an affair, apart from strong boundaries is a romantic, passionate love between spouses.

It seems like he's STOPPED doing what was hurtful and wants that to be enough.

However, for you to begin to trust him, for you to believe he loves you he has to ACT in a loving way towards you - this involves meeting your needs.

Moving on requires him to meet your ENs not just stop having an affair. HE is responsible for your love for him and your sense of security.

Vibrissa-my top ENs are SF, opennness, honesty, conversation and recreational companionship. The only one that he seems to make a stab at is the recreational companionship and as mentioned above that one is not working out too well. Somehow I am not getting my needs met and there are no 2 ways about it.

I am dealing with similar issues. It has been 2 years and although I am pretty good at keeping most of the memories supressed what bugs me are all the memories I feel like he stole from me. The affair started almost immediatly after my son was born. I had proof by the time my son was 4 months old and now I cannot look back on those first few months of my son's life and have that wonderful feeling of welcoming a new baby. I feel like he stole all of my good happy memories and replaced them with a nightmare and it isn't fair.