What I think is awful is that you haven't changed your email address and you are making your H endure more contact from OM.

I think it's awful that you are trying to get your H onboard the R train whilst you are still obsessing about OM and are unwilling to do what it takes to get over this infatuation.

I think it is a shame that you are still stuck in the fog and still talking about OM after everything you have read here.

Shame on you for not making protecting your M and H your #1 priority.

YES, I have gotten rid of everything. Donated things, tossed things in the garbage, sold things on Ebay... GONE.

Email address: closed for good

Phone number: changed

Facebook account: privacy set


I didn't mean to make it seem like I was obsessing about the OM. I've actually come a long way recently, only rarely think about the OM; the vacation away helped a lot. And my H and I have done a lot in terms of rebuilding our relationship. My BH is the main person on my mind.


He contacted me in a really round-about way. I honestly didn't think he would be able to contact me at all in this way. I've changed things so that it's no longer a way to contact me.

What does this mean?

Don't shame me. I'm not the one who initiated contact.

As soon as the OM contacted me, I told my H. I promised my H that I would tell him if the OM tried to contact me, and I did just that.

I AM putting my M first.

You really don't even know how dedicated I have been to my H through all of this.

So lay off the shaming, please...

I had something for sale online that I had forgotten was still up for sale on there (had sold it and forgot to delete the ad). The OM knew this was my item for sale.

I HONESTLY had FORGOTTEN COMPLETELY ABOUT THIS AD.

It is now deleted.

HOW did he contact you?? And WHY is this avenue still open????

Close this up NOW


This whole part just ticks me off.........YOU are not in ANY position to decide what this poor woman needs or doesn't need. YOU are not in ANY position to control what she is thinking or not.

And as far as the comparison???? Are you kidding me???? You don't want that for her??? NOW you think of this???

She is going to do this whether or not she has a picture or not. With everything........it's too late to be saying you don't want this for her.....you honestly have no freaking clue to the damage you have done to this woman.......


Then FIX it so it doesn't happen again......


Do NOT reply........close up this avenue......

HOWEVER.......IF OM's W contacts you or H in the future herself, then *I* think you should give her a photo. Sorry but that is the least you could do if that's what she needs..........it's not YOUR place to decide what she needs to heal or not......

Not2fun

I am sorry, but I had a knee-jerk reaction to your post. It seems very much like you are trying to engage us once again in a discussion about OM. This needs to STOP.

I really hope you are being honest about getting rid of EVERYTHING from your A and that you have completely blocked contact into the future.

My H said this same thing. That's why I'm wondering if I should just send her a picture of me (since I have her email address) and be done with this.



I have made mistakes in my past. Trying to do the right thing now. Please respect that. That's really the only thing I can do at this stage.

A person can change...

No, no... I'm honestly not intending to. I wish I had posted before he even contacted me so that you could have read about how much the vacation away with my H helped us in our relationship, how much it helped to heal us of some of the pain my A had caused.

Believe me, when I saw his email to me, my heart sank. I didn't want to have to tell my H, didn't want to have to bring us back in our recovery, but I promised I'd tell him.

My own gut reaction? I was sick to my stomach, couldn't sleep that night.



I am being honest. He shouldn't be able to contact me, except through conventional mail or visiting my home (since I haven't moved).

I think my H contacting him will help, though. He hasn't contacted him yet, but he tried calling him yesterday. I hope he contacts him, though, because the OM needs to know that it's not okay to contact me.

RM, this is where it's necessary to be selfish. Don't ever put your M second to anyone else.

You owe your BH far more than you owe this OMW.

NO!!! Do not send her ANYTHING! Why do you have her e-mail address? Get rid of it! Just in case you missed my previous post here is my opinion.

Leave this poor woman alone. Your OM is a scumbag.
Why did you open the e-mail?

I'm not going to. Needed to confirm with you all that I shouldn't. Felt like there are enough BSs here to give me an idea of the "right" way to handle this situation.


He didn't send me his picture. He just said that he wanted me to send one to help his W find closure.


Should my H send the OM's wife a note stating that the OM contacted me? What's the proper way to handle it when the OM breaks the "no contact" rule?



I wanted to know how he contacted me mostly. I wanted to close up that way for him to contact me. But I also wanted to know what the email said. I was planning on telling my H about it, knew I would read it eventually, didn't think it would matter if I read it then vs. later. Maybe that was wrong thinking, but hopefully you understand what I mean.

RM - suamico brings up a good Q re: why you opened the email when you knew it was from OM.

This is a good example of where EPs would help.

For instance, you could establish beforehand that should OM contact you in any way in the future (email, voicemail, text, pony express, etc.) you will NOT open it, but instead pass it straight on to your BH.

For emails (maybe texts, too?), I'm sure you can set up a filter that directs any email tagged from OM (his email, his name, etc.) straight past you and to your BH (or Trash or Spam or whatever).

One of my EPs is that I don't answer any phone calls where I don't recognize the number. That prevents accidental contact that way. If there's a voicemail, and if it ever happened to be from the OM, my EP is to hang up as soon as I identify it, tell my BH immediately, and we work out how to resolve it.

This is a perfect chance for you to be thinking of EPs, and to demonstrate to your BH that you're serious about R.

Yes, your HUSBAND should CALL this poor woman and let her know what transpired. She has every right to know what IS happening concerning her WH. This is the ONLY way to handle any contact what-so-ever. Then IF the wife wants to discuss the picture situation, they can. Whether or not one is sent should be a decision for your H to make alone. YOU get no say so in this, if you ask me.

I cannot think of one good reason for her NOT to see what you look like......



This is the ONLY real reason you read it.......the rest is superficial..........if you were truly only concerned about your H you would have told him IMMEDIATELY without reading.

Next time, tell H immediately without reading it and let HIM decided what to do from there........

Not2fun

I wanted to add for clarity, that H should CALL, not email the wife. He should make sure she knows of this. And you all don't know if OM is watching her emails for damage control.........

Not2fun

Exactly! You can be anybody you want to be behind a computer screen.

YEP!!!!! I'm really a slodgy, creeper in GODDESS clothing here...........

Not2fun

Ps....... .........I SO crack myself up!!!!!!

You need to understand that he will try to send some kind of reminder of him to you every several months, knowing full well that each time, it psychologically reconnects you to him and sets you waaaay back in forgetting about him. You can use a spam filter for him in your email address, if your address is too important for you for business reasons,or whatever to get rid of, but that will not prevent him contacting you through that route from a different email address or name. Simply DO NOT OPEN AND IMMEDIATELY TRASH any email from any address you do not know. Furthermore, do not confirm any friend request on FACEBOOK that you do not know and do not even look up their profile to try to get a clue. This applies to all social networking sites. He will likely pose as someone else, even a woman, with a phony pic, and if you approve, he will send things that eventually reveals who he really is. Do not answer any phone call from a number that is unknown or not in your phone address book. Best to change your cell phone number. Don't open any personal US mail from a sender that is unknown to you. Just throw it away. There is no chance that any such item could be more important than your marriage. Any phone call to your home phone that is unrecognizable by caller ID when it rings should not be answered. If it is important enough, they will leave a message. Affair partners will pull every single trick in the book, and some not in the book, to keep a foot in your brain door. Avoid restaurants that they like to frequent, events that they are likely to want to attend or know that you might be there. This should be a part of your EP's. All of it.

You said

"No, no... I'm honestly not intending to. I wish I had posted before he even contacted me so that you could have read about how much the vacation away with my H helped us in our relationship, how much it helped to heal us of some of the pain my A had caused."

Then why didn't you discuss your relationship with BH and how things went this weekend first on your thread first? I'm not one to bash people but WOW your first instinct was to bring up OM. Why? You need to really look into yourself and discover why you are doing this. I have to agree with SusieQ...seems every time you have an opportunity to bring up OM..you do. Tell us about something positive that happened with you and BH this past week.

I went back and re-read your post. I miss read it. Sorry.
Why did you want to know what the e-mail said? You said it was through craigslist. How was the add posted? Did it have your e-mail address? Was this an e-mail address he already had?

What do you mean by you knew you would read it eventually? You do know now that was a bad idea correct?