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So I came home from the gym last night and the wife was in my house. She brought home the little one from the swim championships and claimed she was waiting for his friend to come over so she could see him and to check her Facebook because she can't afford internet. I didn't want to make a scene and tell her to leave, nor did I want to put the younger son in the position of telling her she can't come in. It is his mother. How do I deal with this?
ME: 48 WAW:47 Years Married: 21 Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16 D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010 Move out day: July 1st 2010
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just thank her for getting him home safe and that you could take it from here, just go on with what you were planning to do...... Tell her have a good evening and that you will talk to her soon, just like any other person that was returning your son to you....... Be separated like she wants, let her feel the lack of support from you......this is what you want..... Life like she wants now......not being able to rely on you, on her own........
BW 56 WH 57 Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that..... DS 23, DS 25 D-Day Nov 23/09 NC Mar 1/10 Working on Recovery Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
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Wheels: However, I thought the discussion was about him going to Plan B to safeguard his love for her, reading from the previous few posts... In Plan B it's total darkness and you let them fend for themselves. Think about it, she gets to have an EA (if not a full blown PA) AND have her husband rescue her whenever she runs into a problem, blows a tire, etc. Let me know where I can sign up for such a deal! In my mind, a separation means SEPARATION, not that you can come back and forth at will. I would change the locks and let her know this is no longer her home until such time as she chooses to be a full time wife.
Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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Are there any lawyers from New York on this forum? I am trying to get advice about how the change to the new no fault will effect my situation and I am trying to find a good lawyer in the Buffalo area. I am afraid that my WAW will pull back her divorce papers and re-file under the new law to get more from me.
ME: 48 WAW:47 Years Married: 21 Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16 D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010 Move out day: July 1st 2010
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KC, I was very down in the dumps last Tues. after my lawyer got her lawyer's separation proposal. But after talking to my counselor and to my wife and had some time to settle down, I am not at that same point. I am willing and able to go a longer in Plan A to give her some more time to see and appreciate my changes. I was just in a bad way and over-reacting to the whole legal thing. Now I realize that this is part of the process and I can't let it get to me or let it effect my plans to follow through on my attempts to get my wife back.
ME: 48 WAW:47 Years Married: 21 Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16 D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010 Move out day: July 1st 2010
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So has she changed the proposal yet then? If she hasn't then she WONT EVER! That to her is a good deal! So please don't believe her when she say's those things to you, she is a liar.
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Sapphire, No, she has not changed it. I think her lawyer put her up to it. Her comment was "she told me I'm entitled to it so she has to put it in there". I said there is a difference between entitled and taking it. So I don't expect it to change as long as her lawyer is pushing her buttons. I am getting a new attorney and I am countering her proposal and I want everything in the separation agreement. When I talked to her last week, she told me this is not for now, but if and when we decide to completely end it. She doesn't even understand that once the separation agreement is finished and filed that it takes effect and I must buy her out of the house and begin making payments.
ME: 48 WAW:47 Years Married: 21 Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16 D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010 Move out day: July 1st 2010
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What do you mean by this? I must buy her out of the house and begin making payments.
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That once we come to a separation agreement of the finances and household goods, and the papers get filed, the terms take effect immediately. That means if the settlement says that I keep the house, but must pay her 1/2 of the equity in the house and that I must give her maintenance, then once it is filed these terms take effect and I must start them immediately upon filing the agreement. They do not take effect at the finality of the divorce, but upon the filing of the separation agreement. So if I have to refinance the house to remove her from the mortgage, I have to do it now, not when we are divorced. So even if we reconcile, the house is completely mine and her name is not on it; I bought out her share of it. If we do reconcile and I had to buy her out, I will be reluctant to put her name back on it in case she wants to do this again.
ME: 48 WAW:47 Years Married: 21 Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16 D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010 Move out day: July 1st 2010
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I know a great firm in Williamsville if you are interested.
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I am interested. My sister/lawyer has been reading on the ramifications of the new no-fault divorce law and the potential to screw husbands is amazing. I could go from paying 7 years of maintenance to 21 years, the full term of the marriage! It does not take effect yet, but I worry that her lawyer will pull back the current divorce papers and then re-file under the new law. I need to find out if we have a separation agreement, but no divorce yet, if she can still do that. I may have to counter sue for divorce so mine is still on the books so it applies even if she pulls hers.
ME: 48 WAW:47 Years Married: 21 Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16 D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010 Move out day: July 1st 2010
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Again, I may be grasping at straws, but I see more positives. When she was over the house the other night, she was talking about my new body and she said "I know you aren't going to get that big again", this is the first time in our marriage that she has said that instead of put me down and say things like "we'll see how long this lasts". She has also called/seen me everyday since I got back from vacation. Even if it is just to talk about the boys and then she talks about some other things as well. This is more than she has done with me in months, even before she announced her plans to leave.
ME: 48 WAW:47 Years Married: 21 Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16 D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010 Move out day: July 1st 2010
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GOOD! So when you start plan B she will finally know what it will feel like to lose you
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If she has consulted a lawyer, he has most likely advised her of the new rule change. You can always pull the divorce of the table if things work out. Tough call!!
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I don't know if I can give my email address on this form but will try so I can give you the info in confidence. eamherst14051@gmaildotcom ............ I know several of the attorneys both professionally and personally. We were directors in our local Babe Ruth Baseball league with our kids.
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It's good that you're looking out for yourself even while trying to save the marriage. WSs tend to blame things on lawyers yet they do not have to do what the lawyers say, the truth is they want everything they can get and will go for it. Even if you end up back together, I'd keep the house in your own name. Is NY a community property state? Yes, if it protects you to counter sue, I'd do so. Get a good attorney's advice!
Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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My wife came over Thurs. to drop off food from her swim banquet and see my younger son. I saw her phone was breaking at the hinge and offered her my old phone because I just got a new one. She flipped out on me and said I don't want your second hand stuff. We ended up getting into it for an hour. I kept calm and tried to calm her down every time she got angry. Some good came out of it, but it also made her upset. The next day was my birthday and she texted me to wish me a happy birthday and said she sent me an e-mail. In this e-mail she was completely crazy. She said that the last 1.5 weeks I showed her my true feelings when I flipped out about her lawyers' proposed settlement. That she is withdrawing everything and not taking everything. That I have bullied her into caving again, and on and on. She is so unstable that she flips back and forth. She talks about how she misses everything and how her current life sucks, she shows me positive emotions and feelings she hasn't in months, and then she flips and becomes angry and fabricates reactions/emotions/statements that weren't there. I know if she would go get counseling help, she would become stable and think clearly and we could have a chance, but how do I get her to go? I know that I can't say or suggest it, but the way she is going, even if we don't reconcile, she will lead a miserable, lonely, angry life and I don't want that for her. I still love her and want to help her and see her happy.
ME: 48 WAW:47 Years Married: 21 Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16 D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010 Move out day: July 1st 2010
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Awoken, I know that you genuinely love her. And I know that her moods are all over the place. Try to not focus on what she says or does and more on what YOU are learning and doing. Trust that this program works to ensure an ultimately better life than the one you had. She is responsible for herself and you are responsible for yourself. You cannot change her. Try to remember what YOU are responsible for and let go of what SHE is responsible for. I know this is hard. You are still in Plan A but it might not hurt to get Plan B ready and run it by here just so it's ready when you need it.
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I know if she would go get counseling help, she would become stable and think clearly and we could have a chance, but how do I get her to go? You can't, MC won't fix her because she is a wayward, MC are really good at fixing other issues in marriage, but not infidelity. Sorry, just keep working your plan A and have your plan B letter ready, have you written it yet? If not then I would advise you to do so.
Last edited by SapphireReturns; 08/07/10 06:49 PM.
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Are there any good links for a sample Plan B letter? I want to start getting mine ready and post it here for input before I send it to her.
ME: 48 WAW:47 Years Married: 21 Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16 D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010 Move out day: July 1st 2010
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