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Originally Posted by Lostat41
No, the counselor has not told my wife that the emotional affair needs to stop. As a matter of fact, When I was telling the counselor about the 4800 texts, she stated that what would be a normal conversation could end up being 10 different text.
Good Lord, get rid of that 'counselor'. She's a quack.


Me: BH 60 - Married 21 years
ExW had an EA beginning 09/09 (Facebook)
After a few false recoveries, I filed for D 05/11
D final 03/12

'Be Mindful of Your Many Blessings and Endeavor Daily to be Worthy of Them'
Jay Severin

'Life is a gift and it offers each of us the privilege, the opportunity and the responsibility to give something back by becoming something more'
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Well, I had heard good things about this counselor, and that she is faith based. I think for now I will keep going to her.
I had a calm talk last night with my wife about Emotional Affairs and that she is killing any love that I am trying to build. My wife doesnt think that there is such a thing as Emotional Affairs. She will not see that she is meeting the OM's emotional needs, and not mine.
Sometimes I wonder if its just me? But the few text that I have seen were beyond the marriage boundries. She has text him "Good nite sexy". And she has also stated in one email that she wished she could have met someone like him. I just wish my wife could see and understand the hurt and pain she is doing to me. She feels that it is nothing.

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Oh yea, one other thing. The OM is not being honest to his wife about the emails and text to my wife. I have tried to talk to her, and she just wants me to stay out of her marriage! Everyone is saying that it is just me being crazy.

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emotional affairs are WORSE then Physical affairs, because when you are in an emotional affair you fall IN LOVE with the OM, where if it was a physical affair then it solely lives threw just sex!

Trust me when I say that EA are more destructive then a PA, I had two EA'S and I fell in love with both of the men. It is very hurtful and painful when you find out that your spouse loves another person.

She needs to know this.

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Originally Posted by SapphireReturns
emotional affairs are WORSE then Physical affairs, because when you are in an emotional affair you fall IN LOVE with the OM, where if it was a physical affair then it solely lives threw just sex!

Trust me when I say that EA are more destructive then a PA, I had two EA'S and I fell in love with both of the men. It is very hurtful and painful when you find out that your spouse loves another person.

She needs to know this.

I think the best way to let your wife know this is by standing firmly that there can't be a third person in the marriage, and by telling someone outside of the marriage they are sexy is wrong and violates your marital vows.

Let her know that her texting hurts you. I really don't expect her to understand, nor will it sink in. At least you draw the line in the sand.

You can't make her change her mind, but you can let her know your stance in your marriage, and what a marriage is. Then Plan A her. Its all part of the carrot and the stick. A Jack A$$ does not always move no matter how much carrots you present and how hard you hit it with a stick.

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Thank you to everyone, I need that advise. Where can I find this plan A that I hear everyone talking about?

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Originally Posted by Lostat41
I am begining to question why I didnt leave her 5 years ago when she had a real affair.
Lost, both the affair she had 5 years ago and the affair(s) she is having now are all REAL affairs.


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Originally Posted by Lostat41
Sometimes I wonder if its just me? But the few text that I have seen were beyond the marriage boundries. She has text him "Good nite sexy". And she has also stated in one email that she wished she could have met someone like him. I just wish my wife could see and understand the hurt and pain she is doing to me. She feels that it is nothing.
It is not you, it is your wife. The fact that she thinks sending these inappropriate text are nothing sends up a redflag


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Originally Posted by Lostat41
No, the counselor has not told my wife that the emotional affair needs to stop. As a matter of fact, When I was telling the counselor about the 4800 texts, she stated that what would be a normal conversation could end up being 10 different text.
4800/30 days is 160 a day.


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Well I have Bad news and good news.
I have told my wife my feeling about the EA, and I put my foot down and told her that it needs to stop. Told her that I will go and talk to the OM and tell him that it needs to stop. And of course, she was very angry and stated that if I did that, she would pack my things and it would be over between us.

But I have seen her meeting some of my emotional needs. We still sleep in the same bed, and now for the past two nights, she has came to my side of the bed and fell asleep in my arms.
This is good, but the lack of understanding of the EA seems to kill the good.

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Hi Lostat,
I agree with everyone on here that you really need a plan. Waywards have a very good way of going back and forth. And usually when you find out stuff, they just go deeper underground. I've been on the boards here for about 2 years now, but still consider myself a newbie. So hopefully you will get some advise from a veteran on a plan of action. The Plan A information is on the site, but I'm not sure exactly where. Read up on that and anything else you can get your hands on here. But for the most part, I think making a plan and sticking to it will be your best bet.

Good luck!


Me-FWW/BW
Him-FWH/BH
DS-7
D-Month for me 01/08
D-Month for him 09/08
Plan B-Fall 2010
Currently in recovery
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I made a mistake of talking to my wife about Plan A and Plan B.
Now we are fighting again. She is always right and Im always wrong. (her op)
Well I guess the best thing is to wait till we go to counseling next week and explain to the counselor in more detail about the emotional affair. Maybe she will get through to my wife!

Last edited by Lostat41; 08/05/10 11:31 PM.
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Update: I have tried to plan A her, and all of her friends and family are on her side. I have been made out to be the fool. Our counseling has stopped. Last friday she did not go with me. I plan on still going. She has stated that we need to plan for seperation and move on.
We will have 6 months or more befor either one of us are able to move out. We are so behind on bills, that we cant afford to do anything right now. We have been civil towards each other, and both agree that being friends is the best way to go.
She is still talking to the OM all the time, and still wants to have some kind of physical(sex) contact with me. This has confused me, because all summer she had stopped the sex with me. And now as we plan on the seperation, she has stated that she would like it if we both could meet our physical needs with each other even after we seperate, untill the D.

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Originally Posted by Lostat41
She is still talking to the OM all the time, and still wants to have some kind of physical(sex) contact with me. This has confused me, because all summer she had stopped the sex with me. And now as we plan on the seperation, she has stated that she would like it if we both could meet our physical needs with each other even after we seperate, untill the D.


BIG mistake!

I am sorry, is there a way to go to plan B with your wife? Can you live with your parents?

Do you have kids?

How long have you been in plan A?

you have not posted for a couple weeks and we do not know the whole situation.

If you have been in plan A what have you been doing to meet her needs?

Are you standing up for your marriage? Or are you letting her hold onto your balls?

Have you exposed this affair to OM's family, friends, and work? If not WHY??

It sounds like you have not done a good plan A, unless you give us more information.

Last edited by SapphireReturns; 08/31/10 12:02 PM.
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I havent done a good job at plan A.

I have tried to expose the EA, and everyone thinks Im crazy.

We have 4 kids, two by us and two from her past.

In the past, yes she has had me by my balls. lol

There is nowhere for me to move out to.

I do feel good about staying here with her and making a good friendship. We havent had any fights since we talked about seperation.

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Originally Posted by Lostat41
I havent done a good job at plan A.

Then RESTART on plan A!! for 6-8 weeks, read up on it again, and again!

I have tried to expose the EA, and everyone thinks Im crazy.

Did you show them the evidence?? Who have you told? Have you exposed to the OM's family, friends, and work? If not then you did not expose right.

We have 4 kids, two by us and two from her past.

Has she cheated on her other b/f's or husbands? That is a BIG
redflag

In the past, yes she has had me by my balls. lol

If you don't get your balls back from her she will continue to walk all over you and not respect you, woman do not like a man that doesn't fight for her. So stand up and FIGHT for this marriage, what are you doing? You have no plan, you are in plan door-mat and that plan leads to a divorce, if you won't do anything about this....then do yourself a BIG favor and file for divorce NOW!


There is nowhere for me to move out to.

Your telling me that you have no family and no friends? Get a plan! Stop being in plan Door-mat

I do feel good about staying here with her and making a good friendship. We havent had any fights since we talked about seperation.

OK! If you feel good about getting a divorce, because that my friend is where this is going to lead if you just sit there and "be friends" with your wife. Just save your self the heart ache and file for a divorce to get it over with.

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The reason why I say, she has me by the balls, is her family, and friends and OM wife, doesnt understand an EA. They feel that she has done nothing wrong. I do not know if this has lead to a PA, but I dont thing so. It most likely will in the near future.

I know that a divorce will be the best thing. She has had 2 PAs in the past, and now this. I will not be able to rebuild trust and without trust, we have nothing.

I have stood my ground and told her that if the EA didnt stop completely, that we needed to seperate. She does want me to stay, but will not change her habbits.

I could leave and move in with my brother, but then she will get everything, because I was the one to leave. And we have kids, and I am not going to just leave them and have no contact. They are my life, and I will do anything to keep them in my life.

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Originally Posted by Lostat41
I know that a divorce will be the best thing. She has had 2 PAs in the past, and now this. I will not be able to rebuild trust and without trust, we have nothing.


File for a divorce, she wont change, find someone that will respect you and treat you like a man.

Sorry.

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Originally Posted by Lostat41
I could leave and move in with my brother, but then she will get everything, because I was the one to leave. And we have kids, and I am not going to just leave them and have no contact. They are my life, and I will do anything to keep them in my life.


Don't leave, just file for a divorce, get things settled with some lawyers and get her out of your life. Can you sue the OM for AOA? Look at the laws you have in your state.

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What is AOA? I know that in the state I live in, there is no law that will punish the cheating spouse. So if I leave the house with out the kids, I will be the one doing wrong and the courts will come after me for everything. Even if wee seperate and agree to have the kids jointly, where she doesnt pay me any support, and I dont pay her, the couts will overrule that and make me pay for her housing, and child support. Dont get me wrong, I will do everything to support my kids. But no matter what happens, I am the one to lose.

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