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After some discussion with friends about my wife and our separation, I have come to figure out the main problem. She is behaving irrationally. One moment she is connecting with me and I see some progress and hope. The next time she is taking everything that happened and turns it around into a negative and is making things up. She isn't thinking straight. She is talking about selling her car and living on the streets because she can't make ends meet. She draws up a separation agreement trying to get more than she deserves and then she tells me she is going to go to her lawyer this week and withdraw everything and not ask for anything. She tells me she is going to go off my health insurance and pay for the cheap, no frills insurance offered by the government. She needs help and maybe meds to get her to an even kilter. Until then there is no hope for us, or her and she will never have a good life either with or without me. This makes me sad for her and us because there is nothing I can do about it.
ME: 48 WAW:47 Years Married: 21 Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16 D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010 Move out day: July 1st 2010
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She needs help and maybe meds to get her to an even kilter. My husband thought I had bi-polar Your wife does not need medication, she needs to get that thick fog out of her face. She is a wayward, they ALL seem mental! The question you need to ask yourself is how long can I continue plan A? How long do I have the strength? 1 week? 2 weeks? 24 hours? Once you decide start writing your plan B letter. Post it on your board so we can help.
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Are there any good threads with some Plan B letters on them. I want to write mine and have it ready. I am thinking the end of the month might be the time to go to Plan B, depending on what happens in the next 3 weeks.
ME: 48 WAW:47 Years Married: 21 Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16 D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010 Move out day: July 1st 2010
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Sapphire, I would agree with you about it all being the fog except that now that I am out of my depression fog, I see instances of her instability for years. She insists her mother is bipolar and she told stories how her grandmother was mental. Plus friends and family have pointed out instances of her swings going back 5-10 years.
ME: 48 WAW:47 Years Married: 21 Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16 D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010 Move out day: July 1st 2010
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Ya let me find you a plan B letter from a different post.
Here is a sample of a plan B letter to which you can change some wording if you'd like.
Dearest WW,
I am so sorry our marriage has come to this. I recognize my part in our relationship that created an environment where you became vulnerable to another man's attentions.
I have learned to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past, and am constantly working to find better ways to resolve conflict between us. I want to create a new life for both of us that meets both our needs and creates a loving home for our children. But we cannot do that until you end all contact with OM once and for all, and commit to having him out of our lives completely.
Until then, I hope you will understand when I say that I cannot see you or talk to you anymore. IM has agreed to be our intermediary, and she/he will help in making it easy for you to see your children, as we discussed. Our only contact should be in the case of emergency about the children.
Please understand my decision to separate from you this way. It is too painful for me to live with you any longer as long as you are also with him and do not want to have a marriage with me. I love you very much, and need to preserve that love so that I will still want to recover our marriage when you end your affair. I ask that until you are ready to end your affair with OM and focus on our marriage and family, you leave our home.
The way back home is simple: end all contact; be completely transparent with me with your phone, emails, and time; be truly repentant for the damage you caused; and, commit to rebuilding our marriage.
I look forward to the day when we can begin to rebuild our family and begin the rest of our lives together as a family. I want nothing more than to be your partner through life, and your best friend and confidante in all matters - you have always been mine. We can have a stronger marriage built on trust, love, honesty, and teamwork.
I loved you from the day I met you and I continue to love you right up to this moment. I hope for and look forward to a time when we can begin a new marriage with each other.
Love,
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Here is another one from another thread: My Dear Sue, I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with Greg possible. I foolishly pursued my career without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me most, and we are now both suffering for my mistake.
I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with Greg once and for all.
Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. I will also not be able to help you financially. Our friends Jane and Paul have agreed to help make arrangements for you to visit the children whenever you would like. But I will not be here when you visit. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through Jane and Paul.
I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with Greg, and I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing that you are with him. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.
As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from Greg and are willing to follow the measures that were suggested to ensure total separation, I will be willing to discuss our future together.
I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.
I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are seeing Greg.
With my love, Jon
Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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KC and Sapphire, thanks! It gives me something to work on. I will have to edit it to fit my circumstances. She is still texting OM, but I think that is it; she doesn't have internet and just got her computer back this weekend. It is only a series of 4 texts once a week, but she hasn't contacted him in 7 days. She still says it is only innocent friendship and there is nothing to it, but as long as she contacts him she will have that emotional attachment and can't think straight. I truly believe that she needs serious counseling to help with her erratic, irrational behavior and interpretations of all things to deal with me. That will also somehow be worded in without making it accusatory. I will start on this after next week; I have to finish summer school and the state exam scoring.
ME: 48 WAW:47 Years Married: 21 Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16 D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010 Move out day: July 1st 2010
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I would take out that line, that first line, that says you accept responsibility for creating an environment conducive to the affair. IMO, it sounds like you're taking responsibility to the affair, and she will latch onto that like nobody's business.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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Karma, I do take responsibility for my depression and lack of a relationship with her to make her feel alone. I have said that to her and anyone else who knows about our separation. I do not accept any responsibility for her affair, that is totally her.
ME: 48 WAW:47 Years Married: 21 Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16 D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010 Move out day: July 1st 2010
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That's why I said that, rework that first line to sound LESS like that, accept responsibility for neglecting her needs (which you admit that you have), and not the affair.
But then, you've understood that already.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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This was just a sample letter I borrowed from another thread. It should be reworded to be more fitting to your situation.
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This irrational behavior is driving me nuts! Yesterday she picked up my son to take him shopping for school clothes. She calls me and tells me she found some nice polos for me and picked them up for me! Today she texts me and asks me if she can still have my old phone. The one I offered to her last Thurs. that set her off and started the discussion in our driveway. She said she might come pick it up after work. The roller coaster ride is sure an exciting time. I just wish I knew how to make it stop and get her to an even keel. Oh well I'm in it for the long haul and I see some progress. Two steps forward and one back.
ME: 48 WAW:47 Years Married: 21 Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16 D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010 Move out day: July 1st 2010
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It sounds like she has been manipulating you, whether intentionally or not, with her mood swings...make a conscious effort not to let her. Remain even keeled and do not respond to her swings. Remain reasonable and set the example and let the rest go. Good luck! Remember to focus on doing the right things and don't worry about what she does/doesn't do unless it affects the health and safety of the kids.
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Well back up the hill again. My oldest son didn't come home last night. He was out and didn't feel well and fell asleep in his car. I called wife to ask her if she heard from him. Well in the morning we started calling and looking for him and found him at friends. After teaching, I had her come over to talk about it. She was at the house for an hour and we were very civil and talked about other things as well. No harsh words, no arguing. Later she came by with some juice that the boys like that she picked up. I know she shouldn't, but I'm trying to be nice. Then she called me from the store and said she found some great pants for my new body. So I took the son and went to the shore and I tried on pants and shirts for her and let her give her opinion. It was a chance to spend some time with her and let her see the new me. Then when younger son and I went to gym to work out, she was there, but I don't think she saw us. Overall it was a pleasant day with good interaction and no LBs.
ME: 48 WAW:47 Years Married: 21 Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16 D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010 Move out day: July 1st 2010
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She texted me last night about coming over to walk the dog this morning. Now after telling me since she moved out she doesn't have to tell me what she is doing and I don't own her (I never did), she tells me she is going for a run right after she texts, and tells me he plans for the day today. I see it as her trying to communicate again, but we will see how long before the roller coaster drops again.
ME: 48 WAW:47 Years Married: 21 Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16 D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010 Move out day: July 1st 2010
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Hi there awokenhubby, don't read to much into anything she does, she is not accountable to you any more, but remember neither are you..... Just try to make some nice enjoyable memories together, like the shopping day, spending some time together..... Look good, smell good, stay busy, have plans to be with friends...... Let her see you enjoying life without her in every plan......be the man she dreams of.........patience is the name of the game now.....
BW 56 WH 57 Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that..... DS 23, DS 25 D-Day Nov 23/09 NC Mar 1/10 Working on Recovery Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
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I know Jessi. But when she has been intentionally not doing them and now she is, it is hard not to read into it. But I am also a realist, I know this could be an act. It could be a moment of lucidity before she goes into the fog again. I am not expecting this to be the start of anything, but making observations of changes. If they continue, and she agrees to do something with me, then maybe. Until then it is just her erratic behavior.
ME: 48 WAW:47 Years Married: 21 Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16 D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010 Move out day: July 1st 2010
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well previously you were always there to fulfill her ENs, and OM was taking care of the others. Now you are not available all the time, and she notices. She wants you to fulfill her ENs again, and the OM may still be taking care of some. This has nothing to do with you. It is all her and her selfish desires.
You are still trying a Plan A with her outside of the house right? Plan A is more effective with the WS in the house. This is a plan doormat from my perspective. She has no reason to budge in any direction.
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Wheels, I agree...I was afraid it'd be enabling her cake eating. I think he's already shown her what a wonderful person he is...I think it's time to Plan B but it'd better be a good one, complete and utter darkness, for her to miss him. Sometimes they need to see what they'll be missing in order to want it. But it's up to Awoken...
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Wheels, I am worried about that as well. I don't want her to be a cake eater and enable her. I do want to see if her behavior toward me increases. If not and I see no progress, then I will be convinced she is on the fence. I am still writing the Plan B letter and will have it ready to post next week after final exams for summer school. If I see no progress, then it is time to go to Plan B. I know that Plan A is only 15% successful so I am not holding out hope. I am setting up consultations for a new lawyer and am I responding to her settlement proposal. I am preparing for the battle, while hoping to prevent it. She has said that she needs time to heal, and maybe this last month with little contact has helped. I am almost in a Plan A/B. She usually won't answer my phone calls, and doesn't call my cell, she calls the house phone. But she is calling more. She just called to ask about if YS was working and then we talked about her running and this weekend.
ME: 48 WAW:47 Years Married: 21 Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16 D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010 Move out day: July 1st 2010
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