I am glad that the party went well, it will be a good ending to your Plan A. Are you ready to go into Plan B?

It was suggested that you do it after the party. Are you ready to go completely dark? You will need to block his messages and not read or listen to anything he sends. He is going to be ANGRY and he is going to try to break your Plan B. You need to get yourself ready. You CAN do this.

Make sure EVERYTHING is figured out BEFORE so you won't need to have any contact period. He is very foggy and it is very taxing to talk to someone like that.

He is very foggy, that's what makes me so crazy! I am completing my final plans this week for plan B. I am ready to go completely dark, I need to start healing.

I just can't decide if I want his parents to be the go to person or my friend Cathy, I feel like I am putting them both in a bad position. Did you ever feel like that?

Sorry I didn't get to respond until now. Yes I did feel bad about putting the IMs in the middle. I still do at times but they want what is best for all of us. They would LOVE for WH and I to save our marriage and they understood that this was the best thing for me and for my boys. The IMs I picked are a couple and they have been friends of ours for over 10 years. They are so close to us that our kids call them grandma and grandpa.

The best advice that Ian give you about picking an IM is that the person needs to be the best for YOU. They have to understand what their role is in this. They need to be willing to be the go between for you. They also need to keep you dark too. They can't go around telling WH what you are doing/saying. They need to be able to detach.

Staying DARk will be the best thing for you and you will start to feel much better the darker you stay. If you aren't going to do pitch black that would be WORSE than not doing one at all. Stay as dark as night. You CAN do this.

So does this mean you haven't given him the Plan B letter yet? I thought you were going to give it to him at the end of the party.

Cherry, I wouldn't ask his parents, they are not suitable for this position because they are not neutral. You need someone who can be completely neutral.

And it is not a bad position at all if it is done right. If done right, it is the easiest job in the world. All she has to do is pass on ONLY pertinent information in her own words. For example, if your H says he will pick up the kids at 5:00 and you are a *B* for not speaking to him and you are so immature and how can we resolve anything if we don't speak???

A good IM would contact you and say: Joe will pick up the kids at 5:00, is that ok?

She would IGNORE all the fogbabble and only pass on pertinent information. If your WS contacts her and says he wants to discuss reconciliation, then she needs to TEST his sincerity. [have her email me at ohmelodylane@aol.com and I can help her]

Show her this thread about the intermediary's role: Intermediary Training School

Thank you Melody, I will do that, I will print off this information as well.

I did not give him the letter after the party, I did not check this thread at all until this morning so i missed the message to give it to him after the party.

My friend would do the job perfectly, I agree that his parents would not be a good choice. I did ask them how he found out about the party because I did not invite them and the swore that they did not say a word. Hard to know at this point!

An IM's job is the easiest job in the world as long as you don't engage the WS and let him bait you with fogbabble. It only becomes hard when an IM loses her neutrality and engages in a fogbabble debate with the WS.

It is so easy to pass on a message like "Joe will pick up Sally at 5:00." or "the girls can't come at 3:00, how about 5:00?" Or "sorry, but that message can't be passed on because it is not in accordance with Cherry's letter of MAy 25th. I would be happy to pass on any pertinent info about the kids or finances. Hope you are doing well. Thanks." Easy, easy, easy....

An IM is nothing more than a neutral message bearer. Nothing more..

CC, other important considerations will be to prepare for him to try everything to get you back on the farm. He wants to get his needs met by TWO women so he will not like it when you go dark. He will not like losing control of you.

He will attempt to get through in every way. It is critical that you don't let him through, because if you do, he will know you are not credible. And that is the last message you want to send to a WS. He needs to know you are serious.

So I would have a plan in place to block him if he tries to:

1. call you

2. text you

3. come in the house

4. email you

What are your plans to block all contact? And keep in mind that reading his texts, emails or listening to his voicemails defeats the purpose.

I plan on entering the dark stage before Friday, I want to review the information with my friend so that she knows exactly what she needs to do.

I did ask my sisters friend to come and show me how to change all the codes on the doors and the garage so he can not enter, not sure if I can leagally do this but I will just take a slap on the wrist when and if that happens.

I will block his phone number from my phone and my email.

I do have a couple questions, what if there is an emergency with the DD? Also, what happens if he files for divorce?

Cherry, you are doing this perfectly by carefully thinking through every step. That increases the odds of an air tight Plan B.

If there is an emergency you would contact him. A REAL emergency. And if he files for divorce you stay in Plan B.

If he files for divorce, they know where to serve you. If there is an emergency, he can still get through to you by using a different phone or having someone else call you or by contacting your IM.

Me and my neutral friend are meeting tonight to review her role as our IM. I am moving forward with Plan B! Still nervous but I know it is the only way I will ever get my self to recover!

I forgot to add that he was supposed to pick up the baby at 5 on Sunday and stood her up....that just assures me that I am doing the right thing!

I even joined a softball league with my DD17! Let the RECOVERY BEGIN!!!!!!

I have one more question before I deliver the Plan B letter. What about his parents and family?

Do I tell them what I am doing and ask that they please respect my wishes and not try to contact me on his behalf?

I would, right after you've delivered the Plan B letter to him. I wouldn't say anything to them beforehand, you don't need the to give a heads up, you will want to word it in your own way.

Agree with Kay!

Thank you! Wish me luck!

Thank you, that is the way i will do it then. i will give it to him then talk with his family.

I do still have one very important question, all his stuff remains in our home. The only thing he took was his cloths, I have his tools his tools, his camping stuff, the whole lot!

What do i do with his stuff? Do I pack it up and just leave it sittiing in the garage? I just don't know what to do with it.

That's exactly what I did. A giant pile of crap I dubbed Mt. Wayward.

CC, be sure that you don't talk to him after you hand him the letter. Hand him the letter and ask him to read it later....then LEAVE. The last thing you want to do is get into a debate over the contents of the letter. If you think that will happen, then just mail him the letter.


Box it all up and ask him to make arrangements to pick it up from the garage by XX-XX-XXXX or it will be donated to charity.

Thank you! I feel this is a huge part of recovery, everytime I look at something it all comes rushing back to the forefront!

Twelve years of crap to pack! ugh the thought...lots of tears and emotions I am sure!