If this ad was through Craig's List and it was from something a LONG time ago that you forgot about, he would have had to go digging through pages and pages of ads (and I mean literally 100s) to find yours. Craig's List gets 1000s of posts every day.

That is what I was thinking. We have a rental property. I posted it on Craigs list. I had to re post it every week.

Been through a lot recently, but I'll try to summarize everything:

- Two days after the OM emailed me to ask for a picture to give to his W, my H went to talk to OM, face to face, to tell him to stay away from our family. My H had told himself that he would only go to talk with the OM if he attempted to contact me, and he had; so he felt he needed to go talk to him. He lied to me about where he was going because he knew I'd try to convince him not to.

- Immediately after my H confronted the OM, his wife contacted me asking if my H was a threat to them, but again asking me for a picture. She said that she told her H to contact me.

- I sent a picture to be fully rid of these people in our lives. Felt like we couldn't fully be rid of them until I did this for her.

- Two emails were exchange, back and forth, with the OM's wife. My H emailed the OM's wife to let her know that he wasn't a threat to her or her family, and that he never wants to see either of them again. He also expressed how badly he felt for adding to her stress by coming and talking to her H. I added to that email a note telling her that I would not contact either of them and also shared my testimony about how I've changed with God's help. In her reply email, she shared some important truths for me to know, but also some things the OM shared with her that were not entirely accurate/true. It was clear she was sharing to both inform my H and to make it seem as though I was more responsible for the A than her H. (It was tempting to reply with corrections, but I did not.)

- My H wrote her back and said please respect our "no contact" policy and never call, email, text, etc., again.

- This is where we are at now. NO CONTACT. That email account used is now deleted. My number will be changed again soon.

I'm sure reading all of this is upsetting everyone terribly, but it's honestly really quite hard when the other couple doesn't respect our desire for NO contact at all. The fact that the OM's wife would feel it's okay for him to contact me at all is beyond us; we do not understand how she would be okay with contact at all, for any reason. What therapist or self-help book recommends contact? None. Contact only serves to bring back all the hurt.

And all of our emotions have come back most certainly.

My H became extremely depressed and, two days after he confronted the OM, he put his own personal health at risk by drinking and taking sleeping pills (NOT a suicide attempt, but out of desperation to try to get some sleep since he's had insomnia through all of this). I took him to the ER and fortunately he was okay. He is going to be seeing a psychiatrist today or tomorrow, and he continues to see a couple's therapist with me. The doctor at the ER also felt this was not a suicide attempt, and she felt safe releasing him.

I love my husband. Please know that. I adore this man and I want to take care of him the rest of our lives together. I am doing everything I can to help him through this healing journey. Sitting alongside his hospital bed in the ER, I broke down in tears. I can't believe still that I did this to this man that I absolutely adore.

Just thought I'd fill you in... It's been awful...

RM,
As you can see, ANY contact at all is setting back your R and obviously doing a number on your poor BH. Why isn't the number changed yet? What does "soon" mean? Close this loophole NOW.

I know you have "blocked" OM on FB but my recommendation is that you close that account. I have a feeling either OM or OMW will be trying to contact you again and it's not worth the risk.

{{{{{RM}}}}}

ACTUALLY.....You done well....VERY WELL!!!!

I had a similiar situation occur at the 2 1/2 NC mark. H and OW ended up having a phone call because her H INSISTED she email me an apology letter...... . Her H actually DID insist it. Don't ask me why?? Absurd if you ask me but anyway, it went much like yours. Though the call between H and OW ended up in a big ol' FU fest. You provided her the picture. Good for you. And if you ask me, the ONLY thing you can do to help OM's wife is to stay NC. With BOTH of them. NOW.....

Plug up those holes. Change what-ever needs changing. Think of all the ways OM could POSSIBLY get a hold of you and board it up. TIGHT.

And take care of H. He needs it right now. I know you are doing all you can, but its so very hard for him right now. In fact, his defenses will be a bit down after that confrontation. It will have taked a HUGE toll on him mentally, so he'll probably be quite open to any EN meeting you do. And it will serve him in a HUGE way. Put all your focus on him. This will be good for you as well, as it will leave little room in your mind to wander to OM......

No 2x4's from me....

Not2fun

Also......

SUPER KUDO'S to your HUSBAND!!!!!

I hope you realize that you have a REAL MAN in your HUSBAND, RM. He STOOD up to OM, for YOU and his FAMILY!!!!

What a HERO!!!!

I hope NOW, in light of all that this, you can see what a WONDERFULLY, AWESOME Husband you DO have...and had all along.

He's a keeper RM....treasure him and help him to heal.......

This is the markings of a REAL man.......not a slimy, conniving, selfish, and spineless OM.....

Not2fun

ps.....this is a good time to meet his EN for ADMIRATION. All BS's self-esteem take a hit by an affair. ADMIRATION deposits should be easy and plentiful.......

I absolutely agree. He is much more of a man I want to be married to than the man the OM was.

The only reason that I would have tried to convince my H not to go and talk to the OM is only because I was concerned his emotions would get the best of him and he might do something that would have put him at risk for being arrested, or something like that. I told him that it probably would have been wise to bring someone along to make sure he didn't do anything he'd regret. But he was able to keep from doing any physical harm to the OM and just yelled at him.

My H is having more frequent panic-like attacks. His anxiety is very high in general. He hasn't yet seen his own therapist but he's trying to get in to see one soon. I worry for him and his ability to get through this. I am doing my best to care for the kids and the responsibilities of the house, but it's pretty overwhelming for me at times. I need to hire some sitters to help out probably. Just hard on me, too, having to take care of it all, but gives me a sense for what life would be like if I were divorced and a single parent (and I don't want that).

I planned a date for my H and me this Friday evening and asked him out He accepted. So, we're on for this Friday.

I sent him a few love notes this week and am helping him to get good sleep at night by rubbing his back, giving him tea to drink (instead of alcohol). We've made a rule that he needs to wake me up if he's awake in the middle of the night, since this is the time that is hardest for him, and I will help him get back to sleep. We're avoiding talking about really heavy things at night to help him sleep better-- better to talk in the daytime so it won't be as likely to affect his sleep.

Meanwhile, I'm still trying to recover, too. I have my own sleeplessness at times and I'm trying to deal with that. It's hard to take care of others all the time when I, too, am working through my own issues; but hopefully I will not forget that God will give me the strength to get through this, as long as I continue to trust in Him.

My H just left for his first individual therapy session. I'm so glad that he's going forward with seeing his own therapist. I feel it will help for him to have an unbiased, third-party to talk over his emotions, and to help him manage them better.

We saw our marriage counselor yesterday and she recommended that we take a "vacation" from discussing the A or our relationship for a bit, to help my H find some emotional relief. It appears to be helping, but it's hard for me to stay quiet about things on my mind.

Today I signed up to work as a volunteer for a charity that I've wanted to serve for awhile. I feel really good about this commitment to help others. I vowed to God to do community service as part of my healing from this A, because I know it will help to keep me less focused on my selfish desires.

I'm looking back at my posts from earlier, rereading the posts you all have written back to me. You are exactly right that I see my own selfishness and "foggy" mindedness much better now. Thankfully I feel that I am coming out of the fog and better able to focus on my M now. Thank you all for your patience.

My BH and I have a date tonight and tomorrow night. Looking forward to spending time together to help meet each other's EN.

I have a question:

I'm still reading SAA but is there another book that you would recommend that my H and I start reading together? Which is better-- HNHN or Love Busters? There's one other (forgetting the name right now), too.

What are your thoughts?

My H is not quite ready to talk about our relationship and how to improve it, but he's getting more and more ready to start moving forward in that way. He's reading SAA but he feels upset easily by it, wondering if I'm like Sue and not aware of how selfish I am (I assure him that I'm not). So, thinking now that maybe we should be reading another book together.

Is there a workbook-style book to read together that you would recommend?

If you are introducing him to MB for the first time, Fall In Love Stay In Love is the whole MB program outlined in a single book. It includes Emotional Needs, Love Busters, POJA, UA...the whole thing. It doesn't go into as much detail as the other two combined, but is a more recent book and so includes the entire program that has developed over time.

If you are looking for a serious study of the MB program, then the Home Study Course is a good way to go. It includes HNHN, Love Busters and the 5 Steps to Romantic Love workbooks.

There is also a program that uses the same materials that is a guided class spread over eight weeks from a group called Family Dynamics. It is called "Dynamic Marriage" and a lot of classes will be starting in the next month or so. If you Google Dynamic Marriage, it comes up in the links and from the website you can look at a map and choose where you are located to see if a class will be coming up near you. My wife and I are leading one soon in the SW Chicago suburbs if you happen to be near us.

The best is still to actually do the On-Line program with Dr Harley and his staff. (The MB Weekend is great but may not be back due in part to low turn out coupled with high cost of doing it all the time) The back end follow-up from Dr H himself as well as his trained staff is the best way to get the program into your lives. FDI is a good way to get new habits established as well and if you are good DIYers, the Home Study Course is what I would say is third best.

But for that first foray into the world of MB concepts, FILSIL is the whole deal in one book and still a great introduction to Marriage Builders, IME.

Mark

This is normal. It will be normal for him to feel ok sometimes, and for him to plunge with little or no warning into a very dark emotional place where he'll be gnawed at by doubts. At such times it will be a challenge for you not to get impatient with him and discouraged over your prospects for having a better relationship someday. Hold fast. Be patient with him. Remember at those times, that he's choosing to be with you instead of sicking a lawyer on you. Show him on a sustained basis that you can be counted upon; stand firm with him.
I Cor.16:13

Almost 20 pages and this is the first post I saw that was heading in the right direction.

It will be a glorious day when you move completly from wondering how you got here, to seeing it and getting angry about the lies you told yourself, so you can fight them effectivly.

There is so much good info in this thread I don't believe I can add to it. I would re-read the whole thread RM. Especially as the scales are being lifted from your eyes, things will jump out at you that your not dealing with, and the main one is the care of your husband.

But you have stated that you are going to start, and that is what is so important right now, and every day for the rest of your life. Your a lucky gal? I think the harder you work the luckier you'll be.

Finished your thread and am glad to hear things are improving. Keep at it and God Bless.

(emphasis mine)

The forum IS trying to help--help the WS/BS recover a new and better marriage together, not help the WS "just feel better" about their adultery. Often, those two goals are somewhat counter-productive towards one another. Here�s how:

It is probably true (and hopefully true) that the WS has been �beating themselves up� internally about their affair. Guess what? The BS doesn�t know that and doesn�t get to see it. He/she has had their heart ripped out by the one person they trusted and valued more than any other who has expended enormous effort to CONCEAL the affair and its internal mental conflicts from him/her. The BS sees callousness, dismissiveness, and betrayal from the WS, not self-flagellation.

Bottom line is: your BS doesn�t know your remorse and regret UNLESS YOU EXPRESS IT SINCERELY�.and he/she needs to know it is real to even begin healing from the pain and rejection the affair wrought upon them.


The purpose of this is not retribution or condemnation. It is for SELF-AWARENESS & OPENNESS honestly shown to the BS who has been horribly damaged. That has been utterly lacking from the WS during the affair and the cover-up. The fWS can�t start to restore the marriage until he/she owns up, accepts responsibility, displays remorse & repentance, and puts EMPATHETIC RESTORATION OF THE BS FIRST.

Excellent post SDCW.

I was thinking about how many times people come here, dealing with issues that have separated them from there spouse, were relieved to find support but balk at the next step, basking in the tempoary relief for too long. Hence 2x4s.

Restoring your marriage and communication with your spouse is the goal. Our understanding does nothing but show the truth as we have experienced much the same and we can "support" them on thier journey. We aren't going to be a replacement relationship that can be as amazing or intense as the marriage. So we don't waste to much time identifing ourselves with them and move onto what it takes to restore.

In short, we want to avoid the identification of posters as lost failures with no direction, but give them the direction and help them back.

Like Mark said, FILSIL is the best book IMO too.

I would also suggest FILSIL on CD. I always liked Mr. W's advice to take off driving somewhere and pop the CD in and listen to it together. It can be a little more comfortable to listen to while driving and looking ahead at the road. You can also pause and chat about things too.

Personally I've listened to it so many times that I know many of the sections by heart. lol

It's been an interesting week for me. Our therapist said to my H that he should take the week off from discussing my A or our relationship, because he's overwhelmed with everything. It's been nice, allowed us some time to relax together, but I have struggled at times with not discussing things. The difficulty is that I am also trying to work through things and, while he isn't emotionally prepared to discuss things, I am. Very hard to keep things inside cuz I inevitably blow up or start withdrawing from him. I'm a person who likes to talk things out, married to a guy who doesn't in general, especially now.

Someone said I should start a new thread. Should I? Is it because this is my foggy-psycho-babble thread and I'm beyond that now? (Not sure I'm entirely out of the fog, though... But how do I know anyway?)

Don't rush talking to him about it. It will probably come off as educating him and make him FEEL it was his fault. Remember, he has been hurt and the act will not make sense to him.

I know you want to fix this quickly, and talking things through probably helps you cope. The simple and not totally bad news is that its never going to completly go away and you can't undo it. What's the good news? He is human and can feel.

Come here if you want to talk and take the 2X4s if nessesary. We will be more objective and help you clear the fog. Don't be ashamed you are in a fog, be angry at it, and let us help you fight it. He is not going to ever be tottally objective about this, at least for a long time anyways, as long as he is in love with you and is human. It eventually will be in the past, but it takes a lot of healing.

What can come from this is a deeper relationship that based on your knowledge that you are susceptable to these temptations to justify selfish actions just like many in life do. He is only human, his feelings are trashed, and it will be a work of God and your co-operation to heal him. You do your part..and God will do His.

When he is ready tell him when he asks, this may happen at any time during the healing process, and be totally honest. This is your part, to be humble and make no excuse. He will be angry maybe, but as its said here a lot, your marriage can survive anger, but not an affair. Honesty from the depth of your being will be hard, but its what you need to restore intimacy. You must treat him like hes part of you. You wouldn't lie to yourself would you?

It may help you to know that much of what we feel as love is chemical in nature, but that doesn't rule out that real love is a choice. Many marriages come through these things and go on to last for years with both in love,(IN love), for the rest of there lives. The chemistry and the actions of love can eventually re-mesh and it is both that keep us together happy, but the feelings follow actions. Concentrate on the actions suggested

There is still much to learn for you but the most important issue is that you BS knows you are sorry and dedicated to him. This will take time and proven effort on your part. As he is being patient with you, be patient with him, he will talk and heal at his own pace, and you have no control over it except for honesty, when he is ready, and when he approaches you.

Read the books suggested to you and hang in there. There are many great posters tending this thread. re-read it often. Your in good hands.

Sorry, but I think it bears repeating:
Patience. You owe him that.

You both are VERY early in recovery.

Wounds take time to heal. Some habits take time to change for the better.

Be patient with him.

I would combine threads if you have two discussing the same issue, even if you have separate questions that seem to not be on the topic. Many of us will visit one thread and like to deal with things on that one. Its kinda like your space we come to see you at.

You will recognize that the fog is clearing slowly, with little hints inside that what has been said is true. One day, you will look back at the beginning and see how foggy you were, and probably want to delete it all, lol.

You can start a thread about completly different stuff , like tacos, or dog- grooming tips, anytime on the appropiate forum but as far as personal work you are doing, probably better to keep it to one