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I beleive it is time to move over to the D forum. Did you want to try and save your marriage? Are you really giving in this easy? 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Have been busy exposing to everyone. What a rotten weekend. Are these people talking to her? Has she found out?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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You are doing the right thing, I agree don't listen to any of what she says, she has to be mean in order to justify what she is doing, my husband was like that as well, down right mean and just cut me out of his life during his affair.....
Ignore that it just isn't your wife speaking it's some affair fog controlled woman...
When she gets mad, just tell her that you love her and that you are trying to save your marriage.
She can't have any fun having the affair when all eyes are on her......the OM won't want a full time commitment to her, might not be what he had planned.....
Is OM married? if he is have a conversation with the OM's wife.
Hang in there, ask her to stop seeing the OM and if she is not willing to do that ask her to leave the home.......it's her that decided to leave the marriage...let her feel what her decisions will really be like......
Right now you fill some of her needs when you stop she might not like it......
Remember it takes a while for the affair fog to lift and to see a sane person emerge......
It's never to late, I was in your position and my husband has come to his senses and is remorseful and regretful........we are trying to work things out.......
In the beginning I thought there wasn't hope for any kind of recovery.....he was convinced she was the best thing for him.......I think when I set him free to go, he really had to take a look at what he had now.........giving up a life and family for someone he had no history with except lying and deceiving 2 families, losing his sons respect, having his work colleagues and friends look at him differently.....exposure for me sent a message that I was not the only one that thought his affair was wrong and hurtful........he was embarrassed that everyone knew what he was capable of ........it's the best way to stop an affair ......she will be mad, let her spit nails, the madder the better........
hang in there I know the rath that comes with this news but it's better than letting the affair continue that you can't survive from.......
BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
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If you are really that afraid of your wife, then calmly arm yourself with a VAR, let her know that you are recording everything and confront her. Chances are she will calm down, and if things get heated up at least you have it on record.
Apparently hiding the VAR does not hold up in court???, and letting her know it there will just make her scream "Turn that blankity blank blank thing off!" leaving confrontation worthless. I have no Idea how to handle the VAR thing during confrontation.
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Have been busy exposing to everyone. What a rotten weekend. Are these people talking to her? Has she found out? Sorry, I had to go out of town for work today and just got back. Nobody I have exposed to has said anything to her that I am aware of, they definately will though.
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I beleive it is time to move over to the D forum. Did you want to try and save your marriage? Are you really giving in this easy? Yes, part of me still wants to make it work, but I feel like the chances are really slim.
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SR, I have been an active lurker on these forums for years, I have plan A'd for years and believe that is what has been positive in our relationship. I am tired of all give. I don't have any vision for how plan B could work, financially we could not make it work. We can barely pay our monthly debts.
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Wily, OF course she hates you, it is the only way she can justify what she has been and is doing. You have to be the enemy. Confront her and tell her how the 'cow ate the cabbage'. Why do you fear a woman that cheats, lies, and claims to hate you? You have nothing to lose my friend, so if you want this marriage you can fight for it without worry. You have nothing to lose. Right now she is lost, but she can be found. Please think about it. God Bless, JL PS: if OM is married or works with her, expose him to his W, his work, and his family. Put a match to his feet and then watch him dance.  It will help break up this little mess they have created. JL, OM is divorced and lives 85 miles away. His work is not tied to hers or mine. The two of them had an affair during WW's first marriage before 1982. Then 20 years later after we had been married for 7 yrs., she went and dug him up. I should have exposed back then and instead, I put my head in the sand and hoped things would work out.
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Have been busy exposing to everyone. What a rotten weekend. The reaction is similar from all, they have no idea what has been going on and are upset with what WW has been doing. I was planning to confront WW last night but just couldn't bring myself to do it. I am so afraid of her anger.. Does she beat you? Is there a reason why you are so timid and fearful? Yes, your wife will be furious, but your marriage can survive her temporary anger, it can't survive an ongoing affair. The biggest concern about her anger will be to NOT BURST OUT LAUGHING when she attacks you with the typical fogbabble rantings. We can almost predict what she is going to say verbatim. "I was going to work on the marriage, now I am filing for divorce!!" "you have betrayed me.." The hardest part will to not bust out laughing. If you feel a laugh coming on, I would leave the room. When will your exposure targets be speaking to your wife? Are they going to be using their influence to persuade her to end her adultery? And is the OM married, and if so have you exposed to his wife? What about to their employer? A letter should be sent ASAP to their employer. Mel, She is not physically abusive, but verbally most likely. With me being the non-confrontational type of person, I just don't know how to respond to the accusations that everything wrong is me and not her. I don't respond well to criticism.
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So off to plan D then? Or are you gunna attempt plan B once again?
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Willy,
I am brand new to this forum and just found out my wife is having an affair. I noticed all of the abbreviations and can't quite figure them all out yet. I have decided to become active on this forum and your situation is very similar, Willy.
Anyway, I am more curious with your situation, did you keep any evidence of your WW's affair? I have some with my wife and not sure what is all necessary.
Are you wanting to save your marriage? If not, what are the people that you have exposed her to going to say to her? Are they your family/friends or hers? Also, do you have any idea of what led her to stray?
Yuck!! I am not looking forward to this situation coming out for me!!
Last edited by chuckw982; 08/10/10 08:10 AM.
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So off to plan D then? Or are you gunna attempt plan B once again? SR, I never did attempt Plan B previously, How do I go about Plan B if financially I know we can't support WW if she leaves our home?? I will go back and re-read all the materials for plan A, B. Willy
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Mel,
She is not physically abusive, but verbally most likely. With me being the non-confrontational type of person, I just don't know how to respond to the accusations that everything wrong is me and not her. I don't respond well to criticism. Here is how you respond: "So sorry you are upset, dear." You don't have to debate or come up with an answer. If you are a conflict avoider, are you also willing to take the consequences that come with conflict avoiding? conflict avoiders lose it all. Are you willing to face the consequences of your inaction?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Willy,
I am brand new to this forum and just found out my wife is having an affair. I noticed all of the abbreviations and can't quite figure them all out yet. I have decided to become active on this forum and your situation is very similar, Willy.
Anyway, I am more curious with your situation, did you keep any evidence of your WW's affair? I have some with my wife and not sure what is all necessary.
Are you wanting to save your marriage? If not, what are the people that you have exposed her to going to say to her? Are they your family/friends or hers?
Yuck!! I am not looking forward to this situation coming out for me!! Chuck, I am be no means someone who can give advice at this moment, but, you can find the abbreviations here: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1984040#Post1984040You do need to read everything on the "Notable Posts" forum at the top. Read as much as you can. As far as evidence goes, Print out, make copies, write down in a journal, take photos, whatever, to record your findings. Do not ever tell her where you keep the evidence, all she needs to know is that the evidence suggests or proves her actions. She will search and destroy. I learned that last night. My WW did not find what she was looking for though. I do want to save my marriage but the fight in me is dying. I exposed to her family, mother, sister and my 2 stepkids, from her previous marriage, they are older, SS28, SS32. Iam not sure what they will say to her, but, they only know the truth so I believe they will be supportive of me. I agree with the YUCK comment. If you haven't started your own thread on this forum yet, you need to do so. There are so many great people here to help out. I have learned that you need them on your team!
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[quote=chuckw982]I exposed to her family, mother, sister and my 2 stepkids, from her previous marriage, they are older, SS28, SS32. Iam not sure what they will say to her, but, they only know the truth so I believe they will be supportive of me. Willy, what is your wife's reaction to this exposure? Have any of these people spoken to her yet?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Mel,
She is not physically abusive, but verbally most likely. With me being the non-confrontational type of person, I just don't know how to respond to the accusations that everything wrong is me and not her. I don't respond well to criticism. Here is how you respond: "So sorry you are upset, dear." You don't have to debate or come up with an answer. If you are a conflict avoider, are you also willing to take the consequences that come with conflict avoiding? conflict avoiders lose it all. Are you willing to face the consequences of your inaction? Mel, The list of things wrong in our marriage is so overwhelming, that is what I fear the most, if we happen to fix one item, then there is a whole bunch more to follow. I know what you are saying about the consequences of being a CA. No, I do not want to lose it all. I guess that means that I have to confront her? Willy
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[
Mel,
The list of things wrong in our marriage is so overwhelming, that is what I fear the most, if we happen to fix one item, then there is a whole bunch more to follow. So is your answer to ignore the problems in the hopes they will go away? You know that is not how it works in reality. If the problems are not addressed you will lose your marriage. That is the high cost of conflict avoiding. Are you willing to accept those consequences? I know what you are saying about the consequences of being a CA. No, I do not want to lose it all. I guess that means that I have to confront her? Of course. The problem cannot be solved until you do.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Mel,
The list of things wrong in our marriage is so overwhelming, that is what I fear the most, if we happen to fix one item, then there is a whole bunch more to follow.
I know what you are saying about the consequences of being a CA. No, I do not want to lose it all. I guess that means that I have to confront her?
Willy Let's re-frame this. Instead of labeling your behavior as "conflict avoider" , let's just make it simple and say this....
You are not, and have not been HONEST in your marriage.
.... Now with this re-framing ... What are you going to change?
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How do I go about Plan B if financially I know we can't support WW if she leaves our home?? Well, one thing is you DO NOT support your wife when she leaves, if she wants to live the single life then by all means let HER! You don't support all your other ex g/f do you? Then why should she be any different? You should not tolerate her living a single life in your home, so when you are in plan B you do not support her with ANY money! I would start separating your finances NOW! Start writing your plan B letter and post it here so we can help. For her to really see what it will be like living with out you, you need to make sure you have the kids, does she have family she can stay while you are in plan B? I would talk to them, and ask them if they can help you by having her stay with them. Did you read up on plan B yet?
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Willy,
Does she have any clue yet that any of this is going on? Have you talked to her at all about any of your problems? Another question....on your fact finding mission, do you feel they are facts or are you finding yourself making assumptions on a lot of it? Right now I am not 100% sure on everything and am not sure if I should act on assumptions or wait for more actual facts.
I am not sure also if I should fight for sole custody of my kids since my WW is a great mother. Tough decisions!?? My wife has given up a lot for me, so this is really going to be hard. Do you feel a majority of your problems were created by WW? I am not sure with me if they are or not. I have lots of thinking to do.
I will take your suggestion and start my own thread, but right now I am just reading a lot.
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