I posted this on my thread in SAA, but it is actually more about post divorce and how to move on with myself and my life...

>>I will have to drop ds off again Friday evening....then he is returned to me Saturday at 6:00 and then I have to take him back on Sunday at 2:00. Then again on Wednesday...,it never ends. My favorite time is when we go an entire week---from Wednesday to Wednesday---with no visitation. That is when it is my weekend. I counted up the other day and XH gets ds for 72 hours a month. I get all the rest. But it is so hard for me. I can't imagine if he got him for more. Ds hasn't seen his dad since last Wednesday and on the way to his house I said, 'well, you looking forward to seeing your dad?' He said, 'not really.' I said, 'are you saying that because you think I don't want you to see him?' He said, 'no.'

I'm trying VERY hard to just chill and not be a basketcase about this. Surely it will get easier.

I stopped by the liquor store and they gave me a sample of a pomegrant margarita..(is that even legal? He said I had to drink it before I left the store..shrug)...the clerks and I chatted about the 'silly bands' I have on...he showed me his! They are both young guys...I doubt past 28 or so...they weren't exactly flirting but very friendly.

And I was in Houston this past weekend visiting my sister...went to a high end steakhouse with my sister and the server hit on me. He is 38 or so.....he asked for my name to friend me on FB. VERY attractive young man....I'm not interested at all but it was nice to be noticed. And he did friend me. Before I got home even.

Then my X-neighbor told me that a friend of theirs AGAIN asked to meet me. He saw me once at their house and ask my neighbor's husband, 'who is THAT?'

I have good friends husband/wife.....and the husband was describing a woman to his wife this way, 'she's pretty. Not SW pretty, but pretty.' My friend told my mother that story....I am 10 years older than her...

And the man I was seeing earlier this year......I haven't seen him for 3 months and I've been ignoring his texts for 2 months...but he sends me things at 4:00 am that say, 'I can't sleep. You are all I can think of.'

My point of all that.....not to brag on myself....but to point out something that I realized tonight. I am alone because I choose to be alone right NOW. Like XH I could have 'someone'....but I'm trying to be smart and choose wisely. That realization made me feel less like a loser...>>

And further along that line....I am trying to SLOW DOWN and calm that part of me that wants to find someone NOW. It feels like I wont' have a normal life again until I am married. I've got to stop that thinking...School starts on Monday and so I will be very busy. (I homeschool) Today my big goal (besides going to the bank to sign those stupid insurance checks for XH) is to write out our schedule. Part of that will include some exercise for me---I KNOW that will make me feel better. Also, once I am busy I will have less time to dwell on things.
_________________________

Smiling,

It is nice to be noticed!!!! Makes us feel good!!!!

I spent many years on my own by choice, I have someone in my life now and I struggle some with my life changing to adapt the addition.

I kind of liked being on my own, but there were times that it was lonely and I did want to have someone in my life and now I kind of miss being by myself, funny how things work!!!!

Dawn

It sounds like you're getting it down though and that's good! I like that you're scheduling in exercise. I walk my big dogs twice a day and I think it's a huge benefit. It's so important to make that time for ourselves!

My finance just broke up with me so I'm finding myself alone again and not liking going back to the "single" status...I like having someone there. It'd be different if I'd wanted to lose him but things were going well for us until he started caregiving for his mother 24/7 and he had no more time for me. I miss him a lot. It takes a little getting used to, this change in our every day lives, doesn't it?

Yes it does take getting use to. I'm sorry he broke up with you....I'd worry about a man who would be so impulsive though....maybe he was looking for an excuse.

I just received an email from a close friend who tells me she and her dh have a friend who wants to meet me! Someone within my faith....I was just praying very hard about this subject half an hour before I got the email.

I know things will work out. For you too Kay.

Smiling,
Thank you for your encouragement, I can use it! Yes, impulsivity on this level is not a commendable trait. I was and still am quite shocked. I have to wonder if he just didn't feel the same about me as I did about him or something changed for him from the beginning (I've been reading Mark1952's memories section and kind of wondered if he needed that)...I can't imagine breaking off with a person you love and need in your life just when everything in your life is upsidedown! It seems you'd want that person more than ever! Unless he's snapped or something. At any rate, I can't worry about that now, I need to just take care of myself and heal inside from this blasted broken heart. I am afraid I have lasting consequences of not being able to trust as a result of this though. When everything looks so good and then goes sour, it leaves you doubting yourself.

Good luck in whatever you decide (meeting someone)!

The best advice that I can give to you regarding survivingthriving is to be fully present in the moment. Be aware of all the blessings that surround you. You can't see what is in front of you if you are looking back. Focus on your son, your new home, your friends, your dreams for the future. Make choices that will lead you to a rich and full life of your own making. Don't wait for someone else to make your dreams a reality. What do you want for yourself? What do you need to do to make your dreams come true?

What I want is a stable relationship. I want someone to love me, love my son and let us love him. I want to practice my faith, serve my God, raise my son to be a Godly man. I want to drink a glass or two of wine, be kissed often and loved a lot.

I actually have a top ten list. I KNOW what I want in a man. I know how I want to feel. When I was seeing that man earlier this year I realized how totally deprived I've been of love for many many years. That was why it was so hard to let go of him...he made me feel reeeeealy good and I loved him and he loved me. So I know that is out there....and I want it.

Wow, best of luck to you! I don't hold a lot of hope that I will ever meet someone right for me anymore but this is too fresh for me to be objective. It does seem to happen to others though so I hope you're one of them!

You can't control if you ever meet another person that will meet your needs. You can't control when you would meet another person. Those things will happen in God's time. It is out of your control.

You CAN control how you live your life, how you practice your faith, how you raise your son. You can drink a glass or two of wine. You can love many other people while waiting for your perfect man. I'm not talking about sex either. Listen to the people in your life right now. Who is in need of comfort? Who needs a friend? There are so many people in need of someone that really sees them and hears them. Sometimes when we are in turmoil, we get so caught up in our own troubles, we fail to see the needs of others.

What do you enjoy doing? What gives you joy?

I have friends in need. I have a paranoid pyschophrenic brother (he is actually the half brother of my brother) that lives in a nursing home near me and I give of myself (and my funds) to him. He goes to religious services with us twice a week....I just got back from taking him to Wal-Mart. The 'thank you sister. I'll pay you back sister.' is worth it. The empathy my son is learning from that relationship is priceless...the other day during services my son put his arm around brother's shoulders and layed his head on his shoulder giving him a 'squeeze'....ds's face was so sweet...he closed his eyes and smiled as he squeezed him.

I also have a young friend...barely 30 who just gave birth to her 4th child and she has left her husband---for no real reason....I'm trying to help her see that leaving is not the answer. (and no she isn't having an affair---he is just a medium difficult husband--but he loves God and wants to do what is right.)

I'm working VERY hard at practicing my faith fuller.

What do I enjoy? I enjoy helping people....I enjoy my son....I really ENJOY him as a person. He is a joy. I enjoy casual evenings with friends, playing cards and having a glass or two of wine. Last night the girls and I exchanged 'most embarrasing moments' stories...that was fun.

I'm easy really. I'm not high maintainance. My friend who helped me paint my son's room was telling our other friends how much I've 'changed'. Apparently I was viewed as a perfectionist....and she told how she had dropped black paint on my son's new carpet and I said, 'Oh it is ok....it is in the corner, no one will ever see.' And as I was serving snacks I pulled out a bowl of disgusting rotted grapes that had been in my frig since the last time they were at my house a month ago...and said, 'look!'....she said, 'oh my! SW really HAS changed!' I explained to them...that at my core I am organized and like things nice....but my uptightness came from being married to my XH who would flip out if things weren't just so...

Ok, good news. I'm meeting that man tomorrow! Soooooo nervous. So excited. Wish me peace and calmness.

That was the most interesting post that I have read from you in a long time. It didn't mention your XH at all. I have hope for you yet.

Smiling,

Hey neat that you are meeting this guy tomorrow!!!! Take a deep breath, smile and be yourself!!!! Be ready to listen, show interest in what it is he is saying, guys eat that up!!!!!

Have fun!!!!

Dawn

Thank you! Onward and upward!

How'd it go? BTW, I like the idea of sharing most embarrassing moments, what an icebreaker! LOL

I would say it went exceedingly well. We really hit it off....after he got off work today he drove 2 hours (one way) to see me...we had dinner downtown and talked for a couple of hours...

Crazy. I mean....good crazy.

Please don't replace the obsession that you have for your ex with the obsessive infatuation of a new romance. You are still very vulnerable. Please take your time and keep your feet firmly planted on the ground. Continue to do the work to heal yourself and to be a good example to your son. Have fun and enjoy yourself. Just please try to pace yourself.

By crazy I mean...crazy that we met each other the way we did at this stage of our lives...in these circumstances...it is nice though. We are on the same page about all the important things---we've already discussed some tough topics....and we are working our way through the rest of the things..

By "crazy" I mean GO SLOW! You just met this guy. You have no idea if you are really on the same page about ANYTHING! Take your time. Let the dust settle and get to know YOURSELF. And, get to know this new person. Please do the work. A new man won't heal your wounds.

Oh but we DO know we are on the same page about many things. Important things. It is difficult to explain to someone not of our religion and faith.....but we definitely want the same things.

And yes I did just meet him.....we are getting to know each other....he is coming to my city tomorrow and meeting up with my 10 year old ds and myself at Chuck E Cheese. Then he is coming to my congregation on Sunday....

He is really not a total stranger....I have known his brother for many years...and the couple that introduced us are very close long time friends of mine.