I am so sorry NP; I understand how difficult this has been for you. As I have said before; many, many parts of both of our sitch have been very similar and parallel (minus the age and new babies).
So again I truly do understand where you are.

It was so hard to maintain a level of civility before I walked out behind his back. But like you I did not want the last vision to be of me shrieking like a crazy person. I would stay strong no matter what and I did.

What I have found in the last four months (of as much of a plan B as I could do); is some peace, a little sanity, peeks of perspective, growth, much sadness, many tears, a few slips in judgment, and most of all, I think I am starting to find myself again.

I have been able to be a little honest with myself and start to admit some of the things that were wrong, areas I was unhappy in. By no means does that excuse WH behavior and choices. But I believe for me those are the peeks of perspective.

I sincerely pray for you to find some of that peace right now. I don't know what the future holds for any of us; but I do know that I will keep myself open to whatever is the best for me. You need to do the same for yourself and your sweet babies.

I think you will be amazed (yes, even through the overwhelming sadness) at how much easier you will be able to breathe once you are in a Plan B and not living the drama your WH has created in your haven/home.

Take care and I will be thinking about you over the next few days.

NP, I know how hard that final push into Plan B is. I know how all of those thoughts come rushing in. I also know the peace that comes from the continued NC with the WS and their DRAMA. Affairland is toxic and the further away you get from it the better you will feel.

For now though, just take care of yourself and those precious little children. Don't concentrate on where WH is and what he is doing. DO KNOW THAT HE HAS LOST SPECIAL AND OW CAN NEVER HOLD A CANDLE TO YOU.

Big day tomorrow. Big wishes got out to you from Sapph and me. Come here to vent to all these wonderful people because I could only imagine the tears on your face, and I know there are wonderful people here who want to support you. It just breaks my heart knowing what you are going through.

Hey NewPetals,
Just checking in to see how today is going for you?
Take care and hang in there - some peace is right around the corner. It will help you to think.
Hugs

NP YOU ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Maybe you don't feel like jumping up and giving me a high five right now, but you deserve to.

You are absolutely making the right choice, and bearing up under a tremendous strain in being so nice to him and not him with a couple frying pans in stereo.

It takes a champ to make it through the last moments before Plan B and get in those last few A+ memories.

This is totally the best choice you could make to still have a chance to R, as well.

I would caution you against bogging down in trying to figure out about this weekend. Of COURSE he's going with the hobag. You know it where it counts, so don't waste another second even thinking about trying to figure it out. You HAVE figured it out.

Instead, focus on what an amazing warrioress you are! You can do this.

Well, WH left 7 hours ago. I've been keeping myself so busy I can't think about it, but the kids are in bed now, I've eaten dinner, watched tv and it's hit me.

I put the Plan B letter in his suitcase. I had just let him think he would be living somewhere else after this weekend. He'll find the letter soon enough.

Before he left today he asked me why I was acting so moody, when the last few days have been good. (uh....DUH). I told him that of course I was moody, when I knew that as soon as he left our house he was going to spend the whole weekend with OW. He looked so sad and sorry and said, "Well, what do you want me to do?" I asked him again if he was going to and he kept saying, "I've answered you already, and you won't believe me anyway." I asked for a straight yes or no and he refused to answer. I KNOW he's with her, I just wanted to hear it.

Anyway, said good bye to him very nicely and even held it together enough not to shed a single tear until NOW.

As soon as I let myself think about it, I feel so sick and awful. I hate that he could just walk out of our house and go off with her and not even feel guilt or remorse or anything.

I'm feeling so bitter and sick about his affair tonight. How can he have been doing that for so long, and not cared enough about me ONCE to stop? To realize all he has with me, and turn around? And even AFTER I found out, to keep it up and not ONCE think about what he was doing to me? It hurts me so badly.

I know from last time, the first night of Plan B was the worst. I know it will get better from here on out and I know each day will bring just a little bit of healing. But tonight it SO HARD. It's taking every ounce of my willpower not to pick up the phone and call him.

So on the downside, this hurts like hell and I am filled with bitterness, pain, and anger. On the upside, my house has never looked so organized. I power cleaned today to keep my mind off him, so at this rate by the end of the weekend my house will be looking fantastic!

Try a good angry shower. Gets you clean and you feel better.

Just know that how you are feeling is completely normal....and also that calling him will do no good...so when you feel like calling him you could post what you want to say on here to us or write a letter to him BUT DO NOT GIVE IT TO HIM...it helped me to do this...

I remember when I first new the exact moment he was spending with OW...I truly realized what the phrase "climbing the walls" meant...Its the most horrible, unimaginable feeling I have ever felt in my life...but I made it through and I rarely cry now....You will okay sweetie, I promise...Just get through minute by minute for now. Im praying for you and your kiddies...

Thanks you guys. I never imagined I could hurt this badly. It's worse than last time because I know now what a false recovery feels like, to get so full of hope and to have it crushed AGAIN....

I'm heading off to the shower. At least now I can cry anywhere in the house I like without having to do it very quickly in the shower so I don't come out with red eyes.

Turned off my phone to avoid temptation of calling him.

stillhere - just in my replying I noticed the line about adjusting your age in your signature. Good thing you added that, or it would have made your WH some pedophile when you met!

Teeheehee....


I am really 41, but shhhhh...dont tell anyone

Just had a thought. You know what makes me sick more than anything? My dd was talking to me about "Daddy's friend" yesterday morning. I said, "Darling, I don't like her. She's not a nice lady." DD asked why and I said, "She isn't nice to your Mummy." With COMPLETE lack of fidelity, my DD replies, "But she is nice to ME! She smells nice too!"

I wanted to march down to OW's house (if I knew where she lived), slap her and tell her to stay away from my family, then rip her throat out, feed it to my dog, and THEN ask my daughter how nice she smelled.

Ugh. My anger is getting the better of me. But how DARE he bring my precious daughter around his trashy, scumbag, POS ho???

No kidding he is a jerk!!!! My DS wants nothing to do with OW and refuses to see WH if he is with OW....Luckily my WH so far has complied....Thats one of the things that is good about telling the kiddos...My DS is 9 though..

Three is not too young to hear,

"OW is Daddy's GF, and it's not ok to have a BF/GF while you're married. OW is doing a very bad thing by trying to take Daddy away from Mommy so we won't all be together as a family any more."

I just want to check in and {{{{{{{{{{NP}}}}}}}}}}}}

I do remember how it felt to move into Plan B. I cried for literally 2 days straight. And then the crying started to taper off. Then I cried just a little here and there. And I knew H went to see POSOW, and it about killed me. But you know what? She screwed up. She LB'ed all over the place, proving that she wasn't who he thought she was. She wasn't his perfect match, his other half, or anything else for that matter. She was a fantasy that wore off.

Now, is that going to happen in your case? Who knows, I wish I had a crystal ball sometimes, though tarot cards work well enough. Just know that this is time for YOU. Get family or a babysitter and get out with friends. Get a makeover, a spa day, SOMETHING for YOU! I know that I felt better as I worked on bettering myself. (Hell, I now spend over an hour in the bathroom doing my hair and makeup because H likes it- and I used to finish up in 5 minutes!!!!)

Anyways, keep leaning on here for support. I know it kept me sane during those rough periods. We're all here for you.

{{{{{{{NP}}}}}}}}}

((((NP))))

I am so sorry swettie. You KNOW that this is the best thing for you and those sweet little babes of yours. It sucks knowing that they are with OW. It SUCKS that the kids get exposed to this mess. I agree that you should tell DD3 who OW is and what she is doing is wrong. That what your WH is doing is wrong. Let her know that OW is NOT a nice person and that Daddy is choosing OW and HIS happiness over hers. Just don't tell her that Daddy is bad or call Daddy and OW names. As long as you tell her the TRUTH no one can argue with what you are telling her.

Take care of yourself and do something to get rid of the stress. Capture the moments with the kiddos and relish in them. Then allow yourself to feel the sadness and anger when you are alone. Workout too. Take the kiddos for a walk. You will find some moments of joy soon enough and then before you know it, those moments will be more often than the crying ones.

A good mantra to ride through the experience when you are grief stricken or doubting the MB actions you have taken and must take is this

"Trust in the plan"

It is best to have a plan than no plan and to go by instincts. Most of us used instincts in our marriages which did us well mostly but ulitmately let us down due to leaving gaps in emotional needs not met and we cluelessly did not realize how critical they were in longevity of the relationship. We can now fill them in if our marriages do recover after following the first two steps of the PLAN.

Hugs to you.

Hugs to the kids.

Just plain Hugs to all the MBers.

Awesome point reading.

I read the beginning of your thread NP, I noticed your ages and it reminded me of that age when my marriage had a two year break becuase I left her when she wouldn't stop drinking and acting like a child.

Its a totally different set of problems and people but some things might still apply. Mainly the heartbreak of a failed marriage due to the childish actions of another, and the confusion and pain of "what do I do now".

What I regret most of all is allowing excuses for her to continue on even when we reconciled. If I had MB then, instead of relying on my own strengnth to "fix" all of her problems, or trusted that my behaviour alone would help her see that she had some issues and I loved her anyway.

Well the point is it isn't just what you give that keeps a marriage healthy, it what you allow to be done to you. You have done the right thing by refusing to be abused emotionnally. If he doesn't see it or ever does,... you at least are being totally and completely human and living in the reality that brings about spiritual health.

There is something melodylane says that has struck me since she said it as having wide ranging application to us human beings. "The only thing worse than not keeping a promise is keeping a bad one". In my case and many other people I've met we did not realize that we allowed ourselves to be abused simply because we took on the responsibility of unrealistic, selfish, even sick people who refused to treat us correctly and bought the lie that it was our fault.

Then we come here and the 2x4s straighten us out. The WS hurt us because they could, and they only loved themselves. They broke the deal and lay the blame on others. I say they are the ones with problems and would trade the temporary pain for thier blindness anyday. We are truly blessed with the objective truth and they are cursed with blindness.


I took this from Scotty thread and it was what prompted me to seek your thread out. I havn't read the whole thread and i apologize if what I am going to say is off base.

I wonder if your WH is capable of playing by the rules, or if he is to wrapped up in himself. What was his reason for having an affair? Did you do something so unthinkable and abuse him so much that he ran away screaming? Did you hold him at threat of death to ignore counselling? Why didn't he get a divorce after time spent reasoning with you because of some awful behavior that you exhibited before he had affairs? In short, whats his excuse?

What Iam saying is who do you want back? The man who treated you so bad or a completly changed new one andcan he be that man? Does he has the capacity or is he in love with himself that much?

You are very young still, and with the MB principles your marriage can be completly healed and be better than before, just don't accept anything but the best and the truth that you are worth it, and a man who shows it. WH can be that man I am sure but if he doesn't get it together you have done what you need to protect yourself. Thats what makes this so confusing, we forget to put the oxygen mask on ourselves first, and accept the pain like we deserved it somehow, while the WS blames us cuz we let them.

I am happy you found this place and the support from all the real people who are here. May God get ahold of your WH and kick his butt but if he doesn't its not cuz God isn't available, WH isn't listening. Gods plan is better than ours, and I pray that he comforts you and strengthens your resolve to be the best version of you and expect the best from life. One things for sure, God won't break his promises, and they are not mixed up with our own misguided good intentions, fears, and human weaknesses.

You will come through this stronger and able to live outside this pain.

thanks CP. I think what I was trying to say with that was that, yes, the affair is completely WH's fault. No one forces you to have an affair, much less continue with it after you have been found out. BUT, I was a terrible one for LB'ing, DJ's, IB's...you name it. And I will learn from that for next time, if I end up meeting someone new. It IS my responsibility to create the environment for me husband to love me, just as it is his for me. Love isn't unconditional. Although it may feel that way at times.

As for WH - well, who knows if he has it in him. He's become a fogged out alien, and we all know those are THE most selfish and often cruelest people on the planet.

Went over to my mom's today and then took the kidlets for their first photo session. DD did great. DS did his best Nicholas Cage-eque pained expression.

It kept my mind of WH for a while, but now I'm back at home and feeling crushed. I was hoping he'd have called, even though I asked him not to. He didn't. I slipped and called him (I know< 2x4 me at will) and he didn't answer his phone. Now I'm even more depressed than I was before.