SW homeschools her son, so not sure how much that example resonates.

I wonder how much opportunity her son has to interact with people other than SW, and if that might be leading to separation anxiety.

Since you home school, why not explain about the American Judicial System in an age-appropriate way? You could explain that you and his dad went to Court and a Judge decided that DS would live with Mom and when he would visit Dad. The Judge set up all the rules and you can't break the rules. It's out of your hands. That takes the heat off of you. It would be a great learning opportunity.

You could even arrange for to take your son to the courthouse one day and show him a courtroom, where the Judge sits, etc.

Then the next time he wanted to change the visitation, you could remind him about the Judge and how important it is to follow the Judge's rule.

If he asked you WHY you went to court you could tell him that Mom and Dad BOTH love DS very much and you couldn't decide together what to do so the Judge had to decide.

Don't teach him about the adversial side of it, just enough for him to understand that the Judge's word is law in this case.

P.S. Neither one of you should be making disparaging remarks (or insinuations) about the other parent in front of your DS. That is a HUGE no-no and would probably get you in lots of trouble if the Judge ever got wind of it.

Oh Okay, I didn't know that. Maybe about doing schoolwork then? I am certain that there are boundaries set out where DS10 HAS to do things when he doesn't want to.

SW,
You asked what your XH meant by his email?
"I hope you get better as well. Incidents like the one on Wed. are not only uncalled for but are also damaging to ds.

If you think jerking a brownie out of his hand and throwing it on the ground hurts me you are mistaken. Even if it did, it surely does more to ds and you should be ashamed of yourself."

By "I hope you get better as well" he is implying that he sees you as having difficulties accepting what has happened, and that he thinks maybe your thinking has been affected. By pointing to the reaction of throwing the brownies on the ground, he is trying to tell you that this seems to him to be out of character for you - that he doesn't think he has seen it before, he feels it extreme from you, and it worried him. He points to it as a break in what would be your "usual" behavior, and says you must have been "feeling bad", because he wants to tell you that he thinks this is way out of line, and he also is pushing you hard on it - with an added point that this is now in writing, and he is documenting this incident.

Throwing the brownies in the yard was impulsive. I didn't think....I just did it. That is on me. Further discussion with ds revealed that ds had asked if he could take some brownies home....and in XH's defense (can you believe I am saying that?) what was he suppose to say to his son? I should have sucked it up and heard the whole story first....it wasn't quite like OW SENT me brownies.

The line "Even if it did" tells you that IT DID HURT HIM. First he denies that it hurt his feelings, but he does go ahead and confirm that it did with this phrase. However, the hurt is not quite exactly what you wanted it to be, SW.

You wanted a demonstration of your anger towards the OW, and to inflict pain at your XH as well.

The resulting message you got back was that your XH is somewhat worried that your emotional state has been very affected by his affair and the resulting divorce, and what he saw you do seemed to him to be out of character for you. Further, he tells you that he is concerned that this type of outburst is unhealthy for DS (he has his point here). While his message does have some self-serving meaning in it, there is also a truthfulness to his message that is in there. The tone that he carries in this email speaks two ways, and about fairly evenly: first, the self-serving way that would serve him later if he were to need it for a court issue, and second regarding a true concern for what the divorce is doing to you emotionally.

I found the phrase 'I hope you get better too.' very odd. I think when I continue to show my pain to him he is uncomfortable. I think he would much prefer I just smile and act like all is well. Back to his lack of depth...he likes a shallow world

I do see both in this communication, and I believe that if he were to be interviewed, both motivations would be equally important to him. This man is torn over this incident. It hit him very hard.

There is a third issue for him that rides below the surface of the communication: embarrassment. The underlying tone of the letter is embarrassment, and it is as though he is admonishing you somewhat discreetly. I wondered if he did this kind of thing during your marriage, only in a different manner?


Your XH does like drama. He also does not like being on Plan B. You have to pull yourself back from him, and your best bet right now is the five word rule. Emotionally, and in the recovery process, you just are too raw for much contact with him. Impose the rule, even when you don't want to - use is ESPECIALLY when you think you MUST talk to him using more than five words. That is precisely the time that you MUST USE 5 WORDS. That is the time you are out of control, and the 5 words reduces mistakes on your part.

This part is VERY true. Yesterday I had to speak to him on the phone about the change in visitation....and I said, 'would you send me an email confirming that please?' He said, 'Yeah..' and then begins to explain his position of wanting his time with his son. He really wanted to talk to me about it....I cut him off and said, 'I just need an email to confirm.'

It also forces you to STOP and THINK. Which forces you to control yourself. That is the beauty of the rule.

Don't you see how free you are now? Free of walking on eggshells, of always questioning and doubting yourself, of always putting yourself second to meet the EN's of a man who can't even be honest with himself? You're free....free to direct your life in the way it should go.

I understand and empathize that you have to deal with wayturd for DS. But listen, I promise you this, the best thing you can do is live your own morally straight, God fearing, God loving, full life. It's best for you and it's best for DS because he surely isn't going to see his dad living it.

Go dark, Smiley and live free!

I've re read this part about ten times and it is very helpful to me. If I could only get past the part where my son has to be subjected to a homewrecking w*ore I wouldn't feel so bad.

This is where Faith comes in. Give it over to God, because there is nothing you can do about it. It only takes away from your greater good and son's greater good if you worry and fret.

All you can do is move forward. Focus your energies on serving God by being a mom and finding God's new Will for your life. XWH used his free-will to reject M and that ended your vocation as a wife. However, you're still a mom. Continue showing DS the healthy, God-fearing way to live by loving God, walking in Faith, and surrounding yourself with folks who do the same. When you do this, you leave the onus on XWH for his bad choices. XWH won't be able to blame you and DS will hopefully see the error of his father's way as he grows into manhood.



I am feeling MUCH better....

Yesterday after he sent the email confirming that he would allow ds to trade out Sunday afternoon for two extra evenings this week....I sent him a text 'thank you for letting him go today.' He responded back..'Ur welcome. Hopefully we can work together so he has fun and I don't loose any time I am suppose to have with him.'

His replies are almost ALWAYS an hour in coming. I feel pretty sure he runs everything by her first...and it is all about him looking calm and reasonable.

I hope things continue to get better for you.

Likely XWH does run it by OW. It's the psychology of it. They are two adults who made the choice to break up their families. That's not good and they know it. But it's difficult for them to admit they did something terrible. That's why they have to team up to make the innocent parties the reason for their bad choices, kwim?

I hope your meeting went well with the friend of a friend.

When you were talking about how your WXH always drove you to breaking point and then called you on acting crazy. I think I mentioned before, my WH did the same thing. At the time I bought into it. I mean I was acting like an idiot. Now I think about the things he was doing, of course I was acting crazy. I wasnt removing myself from the situation.

I hope your meeting went well with the friend of a friend.

SW,


I've thought about this, and want to give it back to you:


The part of your analysis that worries me don't worry, because you figured it out, and actually put it to very good use....follow me.... is that I may be making myself look unstable. in his eyes, perhaps....but those of us who have been there, done that, know that throwing brownies is probably a fairly mild thing! He has always done that....pushed me to the breaking point and then act all indignant about my 'crazy' behavior. you say this, then catch YOURSELF...very good! I must remember that I am responsible for my reactions regardless of his button pushing. exactly, grasshopper, exactly I have to remember that I am actually free of him and I do not have to be controlled by him anymore. the truth of this is...you never were controlled by him....he led you down a path and convinced you that his mind was better...it is not...I hope you see that now... I don't think there is anyway he could actually prove PAS with the limited things I've said or done....but he is stupid enough to try and make a big deal out of it or at least threaten me with it. the best part of this is that you SEE this...which means you can PREVENT his threats, the behaviors, the whole thing - he does not even know that YOU SEE IT....this gives you the full and complete advantage.


Because you have LEARNED.

Because you have CHANGED.


He has not.

He is stagnant

because he remains in his affair

he will not make changes until THAT CHANGES.


You, on the other hand, are moving forward in your personal growth.


You see things - the example is right here.


Put it in your toolbox.

And then use the tool to work on yourself.

Oh my. It went well. Very very well. He drove 2 hours (each way) to have dinner with me after he got off work at 5:00.

He is of my faith....tall, very very goodlooking...very very fun. And we have great chemistry. I'm happy.

I'm glad you had a good time and that he is so nice.