SB your story was priceless....thanks for sharing.....a good reminder for me with my own son..I do believe so often parents don't say the hard 'stuff' to their children and the children (grown or otherwise) take that as the parent condoning the wrong action...

You are very correct about XH not liking PB....I dropped ds off in town today....it was at the drycleaners next to a Subway...and I was in getting myself a sandwich when XH drove up....I got in the car about the time he was getting ds out of the front seat..and he proceeded to chat me up. 'Hey, you got a Garmin....when did you get that?' I told him politely, before my trip to Houston. He told me about having one on loan from work that they didn't keep up to date and it got shut off or some such..he then asked me how much it cost....and he asked me about a bruise on my arm. I was polite. He then asked me about a movie he wanted to take ds to..I politely said I did not approve...but didn't say he couldn't take him....

I felt ZERO for him....no anger, no love, no irritation....but later I realized how desperately he must miss me....hee hee.

I am LOVING this man I am seeing. Real discussions....real feelings.....oh my.

Schoolbus I love what you said. You are right and I didnt realize it for so long. I thought I was showing him I was loving him by standing by my WH while he went through "a rough time' and like a true addict, he took and took and took. It wasnt till this past year that I realized I couldnt do it anymore. I still feel but I dont have to be there for him, and I dont need to help him keep a relationship with our children. I wont stand in his way, but I wont help him like I always did before. I have gotten so good at cutting off these toxic relationships that I have now cut out brothers, friends and the WH.

SW I know what you mean about looking for that spiritual friend. Someday I might be ready, but its going to be a while.

Madness,

It is when you are not looking that he will find you.

SW,

Indifference - as it grows, so will your peace. And the peace will grow with the fewer words, the shortened contact.


One day your ex will wake up with OW there and realize what a fool he was. It will be like a house fell on him, and from that moment on, OW will know that the relationship with him has changed. She will not know what happened, but it will be downhill from there.

They will split up, and he will say these words, "It isn't you, it's me. I've just grown in a different direction."

Shortly after that, he will call you and tell you that they broke up, and he will tell you how sorry he is, how stupid this was, and how sad it is that the two of you couldn't have worked out. He will tell you this, but he still will not understand even half of what he thinks he knows.

Mark my words.

For the first time ever I totally can believe these words. Today I was taking ds to meet him and I was running a few minutes late....he sent me a text and said he was running late....I texted back, 'Me too.' When I got to his house he was standing next to his truck in the driveway texting....he finished up as I pulled in and ds hopped out....XH did not attempt to talk to me. When I got home he had sent this.

>>ds arrived 15 minutes late so I guess we are even for the 15 I was late Saturday...>>

I wrote back, >>Ha! We will never be even. Ever. You are so far in the red you can never get out.>>

He wrote back, "Thank God not everyone shares your opinion. :)"

I said back, 'Right back at ya.'

He really does miss me. I don't miss him.

can you let me know when this will happen with XH...lol.

I can only pray. Sorry for the tj

I was praying so hard a week ago tomorrow that I could barely drive. Within hours I had an email telling me a friend of a friend wanted to meet me.

Everything about my XH is fading away...it will for you too someday Hope.

SW, I do not know this alien. What is not fading away is thoughts of my old H. I know he is not that man as long as he is with OW.

I know I can date, I have people interested in me but I am not interested in them. I am not sure if I will ever be. Glad you can find interest in a new person.

It is a tough road.

You may not 'know' this alien but your XH is now that alien. Your husband no longer exists. It is gone. And if, my XH, wakes up and realizes what he's done and become---even if he did it tomorrow---I would simple say---it is too late.

What are you hanging on to? It is an allusion....it doesn't exist.

I know my H only exists in my mind. He turned his back on his wife, family, career, ethics and God.

What am I hanging on to? I ask myself that, I asked God to remove my love for him to show me what path I need to follow. XH told me before to "move on".

I am in our home, raising our daughter to be a woman of grace. I don't have to "move on" I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I am not living in an allusion, I live this reality everyday. I work on myself inside and out. It is enough for now.

If XH came back to reality, I can't say it is too late but that is for today. I can only trust in what God shows me tomorrow.

I am the same way Hope. I just cant get rid of the feelings for the man that I love. I know thats not him that lives with OW, but I still ache for him. If my WH came to me tomorrow, I dont know what I would do. I dont know that I will ever say never, but that bar is extremely high. So high I am not sure it is possible.

And this is fine. No one has to move on and if you are happy in the space you are in that is great. I just want to point out that a page back in this thread (I can't figure out how to multi-quote) you said it was 'a rough road.' Or tough road? Anyway, you often don't seem happy in this limbo you are in....I want you to be happy.

I guess this is where we differ. The day I pulled up the keylogger and read evidence that he had indeed 100% had an affair with my cousin 7 years prior when she was only 19....and was starting it back up again (by this time she was married with a year old dd) as he told current OW he wanted her and me he wanted me....that instant I knew in my head I would NEVER take him back. I nearly fell to my knees (and would have if ds had not been in the room) thanking my GOD for giving me the gift of clarity.

I've been really angry at times in this past 15 months that it took me 26 years to figure it out. I've even been angry at God for not giving me this clarity 7 years ago when the affair with my cousin happened....but then I just imagine him looking down at me last summer and thinking, 'ok, this child of mine needs proof positive that she has her freedom.'

I feel so much better now. I've had such a rough time even since the divorce was final...when he introduced my son to his homewrecking w@ore...that was the worst....but I'm better now and it sure feels good.

I wish it for everyone!

I hope this is helpful. I don't think I have ever posted to you before.

If you do strike up a relationship with this gent you recently met. Keep the relationship as private as you can from your XWH. Sometimes WW's come back if they sniff another relationship for the BS on the horizon.

Because a WW (evenXWH) are selfish, they sometimes try to reconnect. (They just can't stand the idea of BS moving on, I guess.)

I think this may lead to a false recovery. It at least leads to the destruction of the new R, (but now that I think of it, if you can still be swayed by WS, maybe that BS/XBS is not ready for a new R.)

Food for thought.

I'm certainly not going to discuss it with him. And he is totally out of my 'loop' so to speak....but of course there is ds and I do not (usually) ask him to keep anything from his dad...oddly enough though ds hasn't told his dad about this new man I'm seeing. I asked him if he didn't think to tell his dad or if he on purpose didn't tell him...he said, 'on purpose.' So see he has already figured things out...how to cope with his dad.

I can't quite figure out why XH is wanting to be so chatty with me lately....maybe he just wants to not feel so guilty....I don't know. I do know ds is MUCH happier when XH and I can speak civilily to each other at drop off/pick up...

I told my new friend yesterday about the chattiness and said, 'I feel like telling him to stop trying to be my friend. We aren't friends and never will be...I am not friends with anyone who has betrayed me the way you have.' I learned that from MB btw.

Ok. Sounds like you have a grip... I was just getting confused with the new chattiness.

Yeah, it confuses me too....but not enough to really care...hee hee.

Hi SW, I don't want to pretend it is not rough sometimes but I am improving daily. I am happy in my space which is my beautiful home for now and DD is thriving here along with our 2 crazy dogs. Our house is the place for all her friends to come, movie nights, sports events and a bowl of popcorn!

XH is living as a boarder in PP's house surrounded by all of her things and none of his own.

I use this board to vent so that is probably why I don't seem happy. MB is my "how to make myself happy place" :Dd
Understand this is not the way I planned on living my life but I am living and breathing and taking care of my little family. I am lonely but not for another man but my XH (or the man who was previously known as my husband). Dating is not in the cards for me now. Also my DD16 has been through so much I don't want her to have to go through any more changes including meeting any new men in my life.

Thanks for your good thoughts on wanting me to be happy. I want that for you and all us BS.

Schoolbus, you were dead on. Can you believe this is beginning to happen already? Not coincidentally, as soon as he heard about the new man I'm seeing...and heard of the caliber of man he is....I can just feel a shift in XH's mood.

We talked a long time last night when he brought ds home. It began as a discussion about ds's TMJ and some work he needs done....and then ended up us talking about all sorts of things. OW called him twice when he was talking to me...he didn't answer her either time. He is not a happy man...he is sad and broken. I asked him if it was harder than he thought it would be....and he said, 'yes. Nothing is right.'

Hee hee. Karma bus zooming down the street.

It's about time a wayward isn't happy. Listen to SB. Do not let him manipulate you. Protect your heart.