Hi Friends. Apologize for being MIA for so long. I have been quite busy. I just got back from a week-long business trip and I am very tired.

I am feeling a lot less sad these days. The first month was very sad and the first few weeks without speaking to my husband were very hard. Somehow I am getting more and more used to being on my own. I don't cry anymore and I don't feel depressed. Of course, it is still sad that I basically ruined our marriage and friendship. And also --- I have accepted the fact that I have behaved like a horrible, selfish, mean person.

Sometime around the beginning of May---I had an inner conversation with myself. Yea - that sounds really hippie. I decided that I couldn't let the guilt and regret of my affairs consume me and that I had to let go of the guilt in order to heal. I accepted what I've done and the consequences. Now it's time to move forward and decide "What now?"

Well -- the "what now?" involves me doing new positive things to somehow improve my life going forward. And it doesn't have to be really big things either. I made a big list of all the things that I want to do sometime in the near to long future. Some things are big and some things are small.

Some Examples: I have been reconnecting with old girlfriends and spending more quality time with DS. Last week, I went bowling with DS and his paternal grandparents---we had a blast and plan to go each week. I started to have dinner with friends after work and have made more of an effort to stay in touch with folks. I have been eating more dinners at my mom's house and just plain hanging out there. I cleaned out my garage about 75%. I started to read a new book. I have shortened the time it takes me to run 1 mile in the past month down to 10 minutes. I started to cook more meals at home for me and DS.

I haven't fallen into the trap of dating or going out partying---that I know some WS fall into. We all know that dating is just crazy right now and the reality is that I don't have time for it. Plus, I have way too much self-improvement to do right now that I don't think I can fully devote my time to someone else. I just mentioned that in case you all were wondering what my plans were there.

So many things...and I feel happy. I hardly feel lonely anymore especially with DS around. He is my #1 buddy right now.

Glad things are looking up for you!

Hammy,
Glad you are taking a conservative and reflective path back to a new norm. Your son is lucky to have you so involved in his life and no doubt is reaping the benefits of that.

As I've said, I hope you'll continue to share your experience here. Your perspective is valued.

Personally, I am approaching the court date of June 18. Which is probably similar to the occasion you mentioned of "signing dissolusion papers." I already feel a new whirlwind of emotions coming on, but I guess that's life.

opt

Hi Friends,

This past weekend, I took my son on a mini trip to Las Vegas. The purpose of the trip was to attend a friend's wedding. My (soon to be x) husband was to be my date, but clearly that was no longer an option and so I brought my son instead. It was just my son and I---and we had a blast! We went shopping, walked around, and saw the Viva Elvis show (was great!). The wedding was also beautiful and a lot of fun.

This trip was the first time in YEARS that I had gone on vacation with my son and it was just the two of us. One of the best things that I have ever done and I can't wait to do it again! When we got home, my son told me that he had a fun time and thanked me for taking him (wasn't that sweet!).

I also had a spiritual moment in Church. It was the point in the ceremony where you get to share with God your personal requests. I asked God to help my (soon to be x) husband find peace/forgiveness in his heart so that he could move forward in his life and find happiness. And of course, I asked the same for me/my son---but I asked God to help him first without thinking of myself. I think that moment was a step for me. Hard to explain.

I am so glad you had such a terrific time in Lost Wages with your son!

And I believe I know what you experienced, above. It's also hard for me to explain, but as I sit here on the eve of getting the final decree of divorce from my wife, I find myself without anger, and have actually begun to forgive her (Matthew 18:21-22 speaks of Jesus telling Peter that one needs to forgive "not seven times, but seventy-seven times (some scholars suggest Jesus actually said "seventy times seven," which would amount to 490 times).

I still have a few times to go, but I'm getting there.

I wonder how hamster is doing.

opt

Hi Friends

Just an update - I am doing great!

Shortly after I last posted in May, my job offered me the opportunity to work for 3 months abroad. It happened to coincide with DS's summer vacation and his already planned time away at summer camp. So I accepted the opportunity.

I have been out of the country since June --- traveling around Europe and working in our foreign offices. It has been a great experience! DS is now finished with camp and I am picking him up from the airport tomorrow. I am taking another couple weeks off to travel with DS and do more site-seeing together. I am really excited to see him!

I know it might seem weird that DS and I spent two months apart. At 14, he actually enjoyed his time at camp and being independent. I know he missed me, but at the same time he had a lot of fun (from what I hear). As for me, it was a really nice break to be alone and experiencing new things. Good for us both!

I am very happy at the moment. I hardly think of my old marriage or divorce anymore----at least not in a sad way. I still reflect on the things I learned and how I can be a better person going forward. I have to admit that I look forward to receiving the final judgement in October so that I can restore everything to my maiden name. I miss my old name.

I haven't spoken to soon to be ex-husband via phone in months. Our email exchanges are very brief and focused on divorce related topics. Best thing we ever did was to stop talking and interacting. I don't know how he is getting along for certain, but I am hoping that he has moved on as well. He mentioned that he has his own apartment now in one of his emails and I am really happy for him. I am sorry for how I ended our marriage and I wish him all the best the world can offer.

I am continuing to use my failed marriage as a learning opportunity for future relationships---I dont want to repeat the same mistakes.

That is wonderful, Hamster. I don't think it is weird to let your 14 year old son go to camp for 2 months. It's a time when kids need some room away, and if you have a good kid, it's a gift. And I think it's terrific you got to be on your own in a different place.

Have a fabulous time traveling. Not sure where you are, but I loved Stockholm. Water every where and beautiful buildings. Not to mention any 14 year old boy would love the pretty girls. LOL.