My FWH, one affair and at least 2 ONS that I know of...not sure when the most recent one was. My H says he is "unhappy" and can't sleep. Got an apartment has been sleeping there but continuing to spend time here pretending we are a family. Said he had to get a place to sleep since he doesn't sleep at home. Been through MB after D-day 8 years ago. We didn't stick to the concepts as well as we should. After Plan B I was so happy he wanted to reconcile I accepted less than I should have. All the same complaints and rewriting history happening now as he did then. I don't think he ever fully took responsibility for his affair(s) it was because of how I made him feel (he says) He has never been the best partner--usually does what he wants and I have stuffed my emotions and accepted it b/c I am weak and wanted him for me and my daughter. I felt something was better than nothing.

I told him he can no longer come and go--needs to stay at his place and schedule time with 9 y.o. DD. She is hurt and confused. She is scared we will divorce. Honestly, I have to stick to my boundaries and standards--he can't come back until he works his [censored] out. I have changed a lot and grown from our experiences and I know I will be OK if we divorce but feel guilty for my DD. Just sharing here because I have been lurking and see alot of supprt here that I need! I feel really angry at him for playing the victim and not DOING anything to work on our M. Won't do joint counseling or a marriage weekend or workbooks--just says it should come naturally and it shuldn't be this hard!

Good for you for setting some much needed boundaries and sticking to them!!! I think it was probably very confusing for your DD to have her dad do the 'back and forth' between places.

Are you planning on divorcing him? If you are it would probably be best to be as up-front as possible with DD so she doesn't continue to have a false hope about you two getting back together.

Divorce is horrible, but I would think living in limbo without a plan would be even worse. Best of luck!

Thank you for your reply--I was beginning to feel kinda lonely on here! :-) I don't have a plan to divorce him, he needs to get his act together. We agreed to re evaluate in a month. This time I can not let him come back until and unless he agrees to counseling and MB principles. I know we can't continue the way we have been. I am hoping my daughter will get used to this and if/when we divorce it won't be so shocking as it would be telling her now. I struggle with how much to tell her. I don't want to badmouth her dad, but he is just stuck and a cake eater and I don't want this to be the model she sees and takes on for herself some day.

Do you have kids? Are you divorced or in the process?

SIL, is your H in an A now? There are some red flags such as the same fog babble talk and him moving into his own place to "sleep".

Start to snoop. Sounds like he is cake eating. Have you read any of the articles or books that are from this site. Blessings.

I don't know if he is an affair. Very possible, though he denies it. We did all the SAA stuff after the A 8 years ago, but we did not follow up well. he is still saying the same things yet he has not done anything to change his part, except not leave whenever he wants to go work out for hours. he feels that is all he should do, I guess. Thinks all of our problems exist because we are not compatible, blah, blah, blah.

If he is in an A I think I HAVE to be done. If he did not learn from the last time and is still fog talking this time around--the road is just too hard I am afraid.

He is now respecting that he can't just come and go. DD is trying to get us to do things "as a family" as much as possible and it breaks my heart. I know that I need less contact with him, not more. How do I navigate these waters?

I feel so alone, ashamed and foolish. I am still resisting accepting that this is happening to us!

How about having a talk with her, and tell her that you and your husband have separated (that should be obvious because he has an apartment and is sleeping there). Then tell her that the most important thing for both of you is to reassure her that both of you love her, and that both of you treasure the time you get to spend with her. Tell her that you have been trying to work things out, but it is just not working, and you and your husband will be happier living apart.

Tell her that you both will work it out so that she gets to spend time with each of you. Then start doing things with her on your own, like movies, trips to the zoo, etc. If you think she will be upset about doing these things without your husband, try inviting several of her friends to go along also.

Good luck!

We told her we have separated and that we will each spend time with her. She doesn't want to go to his place overnight. Your suggestion of having other kids and families around might work well. School starts tomorrow and we get pretty busy so I think that might actually help. Being an only child is kind of hard as there is no one for her to talk to. She asked if she should tell her friends and I said only if and what she wants to...it is totally up to her. I have so much guilt about this but I know it is not my choice. Both partners need to want and be willing to do the work for the M to survive and he has shown time and time again that he can't or won't.

Bravo!

Divorce *IS* horrible! And I wouldn't wish it to any couple. But THIS was the tipping point that caused me to finally put my foot down. I didn't want my son to grow up thinking what he saw between me and his father was normal... or worse grow up to BE his father. And, with the help of some very good counseling, I discovered many reasons this was the best choice for us. Strangely, I initially wanted a separation, so he could get his act together. But he insisted that if we separate he wanted an all-out divorce. And that's what he got.

I hope, for both of you, that at one month he is making good progress and you are both able to eventually work through this.

DTC

Thank you for the encouraging words and sharing your experience, DaisytheCat, some perspective is sorely needed.