Seriously? Why are we not talking about the fact that it seems that the WH is leading this relationship. We already know what he did with this marriage already, he went and got himself a girlfriend and now he wants to make his perfect little Stepford wife and she needs to conform to his ideals and HIS whims or SHE IS GONE?

Lisa, listen up. Do you want this to be your life? do you want to continue to live like this? Do you not believe in what DrH has stated is the way to attempt to recover your marriage?

You need to go into Plan B.

You needed to go into Plan B over a month ago. I know that you are scared but you need to take a leap of faith. You need to do the plans here. You already did this your way and look where it got you. Please Lisa, for yourself, do this the right way.

Have faith in the plans and work them. You can't say that MB didn't work if you don't actually work the plans. It's just like a diet program, it won't work if YOU don't do it.

Come on Lisa, you know what you need to do. You might be scared. You might not want to let go. You need to do this the right way.

Call the coaching center, they will give you a solid plan of your own. You already tried this your own way.

THANK YOU!!

When I first saw her post I was SOOO hoping she said she has been in plan B, and when I found out that she was STILL in plan A...well..sigh...I was not happy.

Lisa, it has been one month since your last post and NOTHING I mean NOTHING has changed in your husband, how long are you going to do this?

2 months?
4 months?
12 months?

Sweetie you can't do it that LONG!!

Get your letter!

START PLAN B!

I want to do plan A for a while longer because I havent honestly been doing plan A for the last moth or so

I kind of gave up because i wanted instant results

I wanted it my way now

I have been in contact with the OH and he assured me that they are no olnger in contact as well

My husband told me yesterday after a quite nasty fight that he feel like I will never be able to forgive him and that he feels like im deliberately trying to hurt him

I have been deliberately trying to hurt him.... I am ashamed because I just gave up on all the work that i had done and reverted to bad behaviors and LB

I do beleive that he is ready to give up for good he said he cant take the fights anymore and all we are doing is hurting the kids!

I failed and its no ones fault but my own

This is ridiculous- you didn't fail, why are you taking all the blame and being the victim? You DO need to eliminate LB's, you DO need to work on your part in the marriage to make it better-

BUT PUT THE BLAME FOR THIS WHERE IT BELONGS- ON HIM.

HE has to face the consequences of his actions. HE has to do what YOU need to heal. Call the Harleys, get a REAL plan.

Set your WH- FWH, whatever, down and explain how much this has hurt you, how confused and sad you are, how much you want it to work and know you have things to work on as well, but that HE needs to work WITH you on doing all this.

Does your snooping show that he is not in contact with anyone else?

Has he recently shown any type of change that indicates that he is no longer in an affair?

Whether he is in an affair or not you have got to stop all love busts. Find ways to diffuse yourself from any heated situation. What works best for you? Do not withdraw or avoid the issue because whatever is making you two angry is something that needs to be addressed and removed from your lives. I find that AO's in our house happen because there is another Love Bust or EN not being met and resentment builds to the point of an AO. By removing LBs and working on ENs neither me or sapph had an AO since sapph was in an A.

If you are convinced that your WH is not in an affair 100% then plan A is not the best way to go, but it is a starting place for recovery. If your WH is still in an affair, maybe not with the previous OW, then check yourself and evaluate whether or not you still want to continue plan A. Remeber plan B was mentioned many times, but it all depends on you and your emotional status wheter to plan A or plan B. If you can not do another plan A and you start to LB WH chops and he does the same to you, then it is time for a plan B.

Your plan A is not working any longer, if you don't go into plan B immediately then you will always be here, trying to get your husband back.

You know what you need to do.

He is still gas lighting you, even if HE HASN'T seen this OW, he is still in LIMBO land!

He is blaming you for everything, so your going to sit there and take it? I am sorry, you should have been in plan B 2 months ago.

Good luck on the next 5 years because if you don't do anything NOW then it WONT EVER happen. Sorry to be harsh but I'm a little disappointed that you think you didn't do good on plan A which I believe you DID AWESOME! and now you are listening to your husband?? He is still a wayward! Why are you listening to him?

You should NOT start another plan A, you should have been in plan B for 2 months now, and I bet you ANYTHING...ANYTHING plan B would have only lasted for a month, he could have been home recovering the marriage with you RIGHT NOW if you had listened to us.

Sigh...I'm out

Good luck Lisa, remember that you are in my prayers.

I am sure I have constantly been snooping and can account for his actions and he has been spending alot of time with us at the house. I have even been spoofing numbers that he calls or text alot to make it seem like my call is coming from his phone and every time I have been able to verify who it is.

I have had friends of mine that live next to his dad where he is staying telling me he is always in the house and looks miserable
that he was happier when we were together.

I think he want to get back but I have made it difficult reinforcing his decision to stay away with LB and AO

I explained to him that we cant fix our marriage if we dont commit to spending the time needed getting to know eachother again and trying to forgive eachother. I told him he wont rediscover his love for me as he puts it unless he actually commits the time needed for us to work on our issues of trust and everything else. I was packing up the rest of his things and he was upset saying he wasnt ready to do that because everything wasnt said and done yet.

He said he doesnt know if he wants to because he is just exhausted mentally from all the fighting.

He is still talking to me and were still texting eachother so I know if I fully commit to it I can do plan A for a while yet

I am not giving up yet on Plan A

Maybe Im naive but I beleive I can turn this around If I actually stick to my plan and stop listening to others advice.

Im sorry you feel that way Sapphire... I want to just try for a little while longer before I go into plan B

You CAN help turn it around by eliminating LB's. Definitely- but remember who should be doing the heavy lifting here. Were things in the marriage perfect for you? But did you go and have an affair? He needs to show his committment to you and to your marriage.

FWIW

and the only way for him to "SEE" this is if you go go plan B.

Lisa -- can you afford counseling with MB?

I don't think you should go to Plan B -- because I don't think you have done Plan A, or that you even understand the concepts here.

Maybe you could approach your husband and tell him that you know there are things you need to work on -- but you can't do it alone. You have found a great marriage coach, and you would like him to participate with you.

Get some sessions scheduled with Jennifer or Steve. You'll get your chance to inform them of the affair and they can work on him. In the meantime, you will get the guidance you need to start eliminating lovebusters.

You really need to eliminate those from your marriage. Your husband is telling you very clearly that your behavior is chasing him away, even with OW out of the picture. Those complaints are valid. You need to work on this.

She actually did do a good Plan A. But for too long and things went downhill.

Lisa, Plan A is all GIVER. You can't do it for very long before you start to break down and the TAKER rears its ugly head.

I have read here before that once you lose the ability to control your lovebusters, you need to move to Plan B. The problem is you moved to Plan C, Plan Confusion.

If you want to continue with Plan A. I would do it very very short, maybe just a week or two and then move to Plan B.

But doing a Plan A without thoughts in your mind to Plan B also sets you up for lovebusters IMHO. You need to set the date for Plan B and stick with it, Lisa.

I disagree. Lisa came here because she was doing Plan Lisa and it wasn't working.

We were able to coach her on a daily basis for what? maybe a week? before she disappeared from the board and went back to Plan Lisa.

The marriage builders plans require self-control. This would be a good skill for Lisa to learn.

Lisa -- do you have the book "lovebusters"? If not, get it.
Work on your half of the marriage. Get the Harley's to work on his.

And its going to take more than a couple weeks of CONSISTANT behavior to convince your husband that you can change. This is not a case where two weeks of Plan A will do the trick.

I think if they could get into counseling with the Harley's, then Lisa could have coaching on her lovebusting behavior, while he gets coaching on his wayward behavior.

Oh, and it really doesn't matter if OWH told you he can't find evidence of contact.

The minimum requirements for you to be invested in the M should be:
1) NC
2) move back home
3) agree to plan of R, spending 15 hrs UA time a week together
4) phone coaching with the Harleys
5) O&H, transparency accounting for all of his time, giving you access to all passwords.

I want you to get out of this mindset that you need to do all the heavy lifting. Accept crumbs and that's what you'll get...crumbs. Time to start setting the bar HIGH and expecting more from your WH.

She actually turned things around and started doing a very good Plan A around the beginning of June.

Close to the end of June, some of us started telling her to look at Plan B...

But I agree it would be great if she would coach with Steve. I just don't agree w/her perception that doing a better longer Plan A is going to bring her H home.

What she is in is what Dr Harley calls "Plan C",["compromise"] the most likely thing to lead to divorce. That is because she has been in Plan A for too long. Plan A is only supposed to last 3 to 4 weeks for women and then they start breaking down and engaging in lovebusting. That is why Plan B should be entered sooner rather than later.

The bad thing about this situation is if she goes into Plan B right now, the last thing he will remember is her lovebusters which is likely to end the marriage. And the marriage may already be over, but if it can be saved, here is what I think is her best bet:

1. do a stellar Plan A for only 2 to 3 more weeks. TOPS. NO LONGER THAN THAT. No mistakes, no messing up, no excuses.

2. after 2 weeks go to him and tell him "this is what it will take to interest me in staying in this marriage, otherwise I am moving on. Affair proofing the marriage and building a romantic marriage where we are both in love and happy using a Marriage Builders coach.

3. If he says no, then send him a Plan B letter and shut the door.

Lisa, you are causing more harm to your marriage by staying in touch with him and tearing yourself down in the process. Like Dr Harley says, Plan "C" for compromise is the most likely to lead to divorce.

Unfortunately I can not afford coaching session here!

I am aware that I have greatly contributed to the demise of my marriage.. the one thing that was the biggest issue for him is exactly what I was unable to do! And I know it is an excuse

I am very devastated all over again!

Lisa you can't live like this for ever.

Lisa, if you can't afford coaching, that is ok. We can direct you through this program successfully using the $11 workbook and a couple of MB books.

What do you think of my suggestions above?


What does this mean?

I mean that he was constantly telling me that my AO and LB were pushing him further away from me instead of making him want to come home.
He keeps telling me that everytime we try to reconsile we have a huge fight and that it makes it harder for him to deside

I purchased love busters and am actualy reading it and the workbook.....