I was told that "K" might be able to help by giving me advice on how to deal with my son being a OC. If you can help "K" please contact me through the thread or private messages.

Thank you
DRO

DRO, there are other men on this board like K that have raised their FWW's OC. pops is one of them. Do a search for their stories. I will give a shout out to pops for you.

In the meantime, can we be of help?

I also know Gack1 is raising his wife's OC - and it's their first (and I think only) child.

You could try putting a shout out to him as well - hopefully he's still around, haven't seen him much lately.

My H is raising my OC as well. He doesn't come on here too much, but if you have any specific questions, I could have him take a look at them and see if he could answer them.

Why not go the the "source"?
Contact the Harley Coaching center and enlist their assistance!
You won't be sorry.
*LINK*

The "silence" is interesting.

I recommended that you contact K solely to be able to see someone that has raised an OC as his own, and even more importantly is seemingly at peace with himself about his decision, so much so that he presents a picture of what COULD be to someone that is contemplating a situation that would normally seem incomprehensible. His situation is different from yours in that it was not his first child. Someone recommended that you seek out Gack, who responded to your wife�s thread, but Gack�s decision is also different in that he had a choice that you, DRO, did not have because your wife stole that from you. Because she could not bring herself to tell the truth until it was two years after the fact, you bonded with your son, believing him to be yours and, as any man can attest, it is one of the pivotal moments in a man�s life, to have that fleeting time with one�s firstborn son. Not many men can imagine themselves in your position, having that happy time dashed from you in one cruel moment. If she had been truthful from the start and let you know that the child perhaps was not yours, it would have left you with the choice to accept what was to come, or to divorce and let her find her own way and you find yours. The decision would have been easy if you knew from the get-go, but becomes so much harder because you have developed feelings of love for the child. Even more than the infidelity, the dishonesty, and fraud were the ultimate betrayal.


That my friend, is the key issue here. Before you decide whether to work on your marriage or not, you need to decide in your heart if you have the ability to accept this child as your own and have the strength to live with that decision for the rest of your life. Yes, I know you say that you love the child and can deal, but your actions say otherwise. Now you find yourself having had a revenge affair that has had consequences for you, and you find that it has not made you feel any better or that you have now evened out things with your wife. Instead, it�s made you realize that you compromised yourself, that you used another person (however bereft of a moral anchor herself) under false pretenses to exact revenge. The only point you proved is that you used the same type of justification that your wife used to have her affair. So much for the moral position, anyone would have respected you so much more if you would have simply divorced your wife, Lord knows you had reason to.


Right now, you are like a broken record. I am not sure if you are old enough to have played vinyl records on a turntable, but if a record has a deep scratch in the grooves, it would play fine until that point and then jump back several minutes before. Right now, that is you. You see your son, and remember how good it was for you when he was born, and how happy you were at that time, full of trust for your wife, and everything was right with your world. Suddenly, your mind hits that scratch in the record and reality sets in and you remember what our wife has done, and the son that you were so proud of is really not yours, and the anger wells up inside of you and the release is the fights you have with your wife. Then the needle moves back and the scene plays out over and over again. So do you think in your heart that you are going to be able to move past that deep groove in the vinyl of your life? That�s the key question. If you feel that you cannot, do the right thing and get a divorce.


There�s a difference between sympathy and empathy. I have absolutely no sympathy at all for your wife. I have read your threads before but not the ones that identified you as marinemom�s spouse, once I read the thread in which your wife identified you, I went back to read them again. In your posts you keep stating that you love your wife � may I ask why? What is it about your wife that you love? Not trying to be confrontational or to piss you off, I just want you to think about that. Can you tell me what it is that your wife does to show you that she loves you? Because from what I see from her posts, your wife has minimized what she has done to you, justified her affair by blaming you, did nothing much at all to recover from her affair, disparages you as a spouse because you don�t do housework after a 12+ hour day in a job that she is aware of the requirements for, being former military herself, and has some anger management issues that she dismisses as being overly emotional. Do I have that pretty much as right? So what is it that you love about your wife? Because from my perspective she is someone that saw herself as entitled to have an affair, entitled to use denial of sex to you as a weapon when you don�t comply with her game plan, and has pretty much trashed you in her posts here as a poor husband with violent tendencies. So much for plan A, huh?
However, I have EMPATHY for your wife in that she is really in an untenable situation. She can�t go back in time to change things, all she can do is try to find a way to make things right between the two of you. Which for most women in her situation would be a Sisyphean task given that for most men this is the ultimate deal-breaker. I mean why stay with a woman that has an affair and is stupid enough to get pregnant with another guy�s child? Do you see what I�m saying? Your wife could be the poster child for MB principles, do the best Plan A, adhere to the principles of POJA, 15 hours per week of uninterrupted time, yada yada yada, but it doesn�t mean a damn thing if you can�t bring yourself to accept that your pride and joy first son is not your own biological son. Don�t expect the women here to understand that, it�s a guy thing, that�s the reason most of the guys on these boards don�t respond to either you or your wife�s threads. Most guys in your position would be gone, DRO. Know that is going to be incredibly hard work for you to overcome these recurring feelings of anger and resentment, but that is exactly what you must do if you want to recover your marriage. All of what your wife has done to you is like a heavy bag that you are carrying around with a lot of anger and resentment � but all you have to do is set it down and walk away. Can you do that, DRO, and put in the effort that is needed to put Humpty-Dumpty back together again? I wonder if your wife can, she seems more interested in being angry at you not conforming to her game plan of getting you to forget what she has done and �working� on your marriage according to her terms.

DRO, you can go right to the source, Dr Harley, to get help for free. All you have to do is email Mrs Harley your question @ jharley@marriagebuilders.com and Dr Harley will discuss your situation on his radio show and give you his professional opinion. He is a psychologist and is equipped to help you.

Go check out this link to his radio show. here

More silence.
How interesting.

I guess there is nothing urgent.

So what's going on, DRO? Have you given it any more thought? Pretty hard to come to terms with the fact that either way you go the marriage you once had is irretrievably gone. Either you're going to divorce or you're going to have to build an entirely new marriage with somewhat painful ground rules.

most are correct about going to the source (ie. The Harley's)

I haven't been around much but if you want I will be glad to try and answer questionsor give you insight from my own personal experiences

I will check back more often to see if you have any questions

Pops, you're a good man.

Interesting ...SILENCE....

Question. When did K leave?

I seem to remember people talking about him when I cmae on board about 2001. Yet I don't ever remember seeing a post from him in all the time that I have been visiting the site.

Did he come back during my hiatus?

That is something that has hurt and continues to hurt is that my first born is not bilogiacally mine so technically other than my daughter i will not have my son to carry on my blood line. This hurt like no other but that bond that i built with my son is also what kept me with my wife because i knew that if i divorced i technically had no legal right to my son and i would probably not see him again.

Had I known from the begining i like you said would have had the choice to say yes or no i want to keep going. Like most people think my choice would hav probably been to get the heck out of dodge cut my losses and leave. Had i chosen to stay at that time i would have been able too look at it in a different light, it woudl have been like i am adopting him not believing he is mine all those years and then having it taken away.



That is exactly how I feel. I do think i can get through it. I love my kids and can't see a life without them.



I ask myself the same question from time to time. What i come up with is even though we have had mostlyhard times there have been good ones and i just revert back to those. She is kind and loving its not always all hateful like she writes on here she does try to be civil and loving when she is around me.

For example even after she found out about my A she still came and brought me food to work or if i forgot something she still came by and brought it to me. granted it was probably to check up on me but even if it was she still brought me stuff in the process. she even afte everything has been meeting my needs.



Yes thats pretty much how it went before my A happened and i obviously had problems with it, i dealt with all of that for as long as i could before i broke. yea i should have divorced before i went a did what i did and i should have done it with a single person as well. i wasn't thinking about all of that it was just pretty much i'm free from my wife doing all this Sh** to me so i'm going to get what i've been missing. The female just happened to be the one closest and willing at the time.




I think of all this all the time in a constant loop. for the most part apart from the obvious i try todo the right thing sometimes it has worked for me most the time it hasnt but i'm just going to keep on trying. She has been making what to me seem like alot of demands and for the most part i've been trying to swallow my pride yet again because this time i'm the one that jacked up and do as she says. but all the rules that she is putting on me and the lectures and everything do wear on me because i dont think that i should be getting treated as a kid. but i do deal with it for various reasons.
I tried a couple of time talking to her about divorcing not only for both our sanities but not to have a bad environment for the kids but all she comes back to me is with I'M NOT GIVING YOU A DIVORCE. and then we just keep trying again. but here lately it has been going very well. when we both put in the effort it does go well.

I know that the marriage that i had once is gone. I know that i a new marriage must come of it. Its going to be hard specially in the beggining and i know we might not make it. I just hope that if it does come to that and we dont make it she doesn't become vengeful and decide to end my career anyways.
but i know there is alot of hardwork to come ahead.

just to make sure and that there is no mistake. i'm not down playing what i did by any means i know what i did was wrong.

I apologize Pepperband for not answering the post quickly. I have been busy at work and trying to do things better at home. I should be on here more but i'm on here as i can.

Dro I want to ask you 2 questions. You need to stand in front of a mirror and look into your own eyes while you answer.

Do you love and want to stay married to your wife?

Can you forgive her of her A?

I am keeeping everything else out of it for now. No revenge A, no OC, no lieing about OC's biology.

This is simply about "your" feelings for your W

NOTE TO ALL OTHERS ----- I understand about all the other things involved in Dro's situation. I'm not interested in that stuff now