I was interested in hearing from women that had an affair / midlife crisis and have since gone back to their husbands.

I guess I am looking to see what you learned, what caused you to go back and how are things now. How long you were gone, etc.

If there is already thread for this, if anyone could point me to it, I would be very thankful

Thanks everyone

-DAT68

I find it curious that no one has responded to this as I was looking forward to reading what FWW's had to say. I've tried to follow several thread links to "Success Stories" but they lead no where -- I gather there was a server crash at some point and assumed those pre-dated the crash.

So, I'll answer the question for what it's worth, with these three caveats: (1) I'm a week or so shy of two months of NC, so I assume I'm still foggy, a term I'll leave it to others to define, (2) my A was atypical for a woman in that it didn't start out as an EA, and (3) I used to be a trial lawyer so I analyze things in a way that can, at times, be unhelpful to the end goal of having a good M.

Affair/midlife crisis: yes, for me the A was one manifestation of a midlife crisis. It was me looking around thinking "is this as good as it gets?", answering "surely not", and taking the fast road out of Dodge, taking out several innocent bystanders in my haste. There is a fast growing demographic of women my age doing exactly that. The kids are basically done. Their H has been absent from the M for a long time. They have tried everything they know to get the H's attention. And then one day, it's like "is this really all I get after a life of giving all I have? I'm supposed to go quietly into that good night of old age with HIM? I don't think so...."

Here is a link to an article that describes this social development: http://www.dallasnews.com/sharedcontent/dws/dn/latestnews/stories/081510dngdmarriage.2abfb00.html

For me, the article is dead on.

How long apart and why I went back: We were separated (in different states) for about three months, with a few days together here and there. I actually went to Costa Rica for a few weeks to a total immersion Spanish class to try to end the A. AP's are a powerful drug.

OK, don't tell anybody I said this or they will get out those nasty 2x4's, but the real honest to Pete reason I ended the A was because I knew it was screwing me up so much that there was no way I could decide to divorce, and I wanted a divorce. I initially sought reconciliation with my H so could tell myself I tried to reconcile on my way out the door. It had nothing to do with my H, guilt, remorse or any of the other stuff I am supposed to be feeling. I needed to check the "I tried everything" box.

What I've learned: I need to fix me. My H is not a mind reader. I need to fix me. My H wants me to be happy. I need to fix me. My H can't modify what he's doing if I don't tell him what I need. I need to fix me.

How things are: Surprisingly, not hideous. I was thinking that at best I might end up with a M that was somewhere between not actively horrible and tolerable, and I probably would have settled for that in the end if it weren't for MB.

The reality is, my A got my H's attention and he realized he needed to show up for the M. Were there other, less drastic ways to get his attention? I don't know. I do know I tried as best I could, but my best wasn't good enough because I didn't have the right tools.

The reality is that if I had gone forward with my plan to file for a divorce in May instead of taking up with OM in March, we would be in divorce court now. My H would have been devastated and asked for a chance to save the M, but I was so incredibly done there is no way I would have been open to that.

Hello:

Thanks for the reply. Yeah I get the part about getting his attention. My wife has said she tried to get it and yes, I also agree with the "is this as good as it gets?

My wife of 10 years started an affair back in June just three months after our adopted son from Africa arrived. We now have four children

To spare all the lies and this and that. She has filed for divorce just 2.5 months after I found out about the affair. I have been exposing and working on the Plans

So for now she is "done". No chance, tells everyone its over. Went as far as to file for divorce. And tells our common friends that there was no affair at all. It's all about me and how I messed up the marriage

Of course she admitted the affair to me and the sex. But tells me that is what I want to hear since I can't look at myself as the reason...

So why the "no way" from you and also her? What got you to the point where "no way" became "I'll try now" or "maybe"?

I am interested to find out how long it took for that to change and why it changed in you. What happen to make you change?

Thank you so much...

-DAT68

I just went back and read this again and I think you answered my questions. My kids were jumping up and down ready to go outside and make smores and I did not read it clearly..

Thanks for sharing your story.

-DAT68

Dat68,

My wife of 10 years started an affair back in June just three months after our adopted son from Africa arrived. We now have four children

Interesting timing, did your wife or you come up with the adoption idea? In my recent experience, limited as it is, there was one spouse who was luke warm about the adoption in the couples who adopted or were thinking of doing so.

God Bless
Gamma

Gamma:

We tried years ago and then she became pregnant and we had to stop. In Feb. 2009 we decided together to do it again. She went ALL OUT on the paperwork. A woman on a mission let me tell you.

Then in Feb. 2010 we went and got him. But during that year of paperwork, she told a common friend we were done and it was too late to stop the adoption process which is so untrue.

So in Mid June 2010 I found out about her affair and three weeks later she left (July 11th)

She told me in June that she went through with it because she had "hope" we could be fixed. But she ran to another man and ran from me

-DAT68

And just to add to that, we both wanted it and neither of us were forced into it. It was very much a joint decision and we were both 100% committed to wanting it to happen

-DAT68

I am a FWW. My A was 4 years ago. I could go on and on about my poor lonely life, a husband who wouldn't touch me, a roommate style marriage, a realization that at 37 there were things in my life I was never going to get to do, blah blah blah...

Here's the real deal. As my life began to not go exactly to my liking, I became more and more put out and self absorbed. Since there's all sorts of psychobabble out there telling me I was normal, I of course didn't see this for what it was. I began to decide that I was entitled (key word there) to some happiness, and if DH wasn't going to step up, then I'd just "take care of me" however I had to...after all, we poor mothers and wives never get any admiration or "me" time.

So, when OM began to pay attention to me...yeah, I knew inside it was dangerous. I was just too selfish to care. That's not what I called it at the time. I made up some poor me neglected sexless life thingy. But I wanted what I wanted, I was selfish, so I ate up the attention and hopped in the sack.

Why did I stop??? Well, it didn't happen overnight, but at some point I started seeing what I was doing and what I had voluntarily become. And it made me sick. All the bull--- about how this or that my DH and life was or wasn't feel away in the face of this truth....I selfishly, willfully gave my mind, heart, and body to another man while DH was oblviously watching our children each Satruday. And I just broke. I confessed, and the HARD part began.

Where are we now...well, I can say we are completely recovered from the A. It is just part of the past's taperstry now. We still struglle with some things because we are imperfect humans. We don't have what I call a "stepford marriage." But we are working. We love each other. It's a journey.

My final thought is this. Adultery is absolutely wrong...absolutely. And any wayward spouse who is not able to see THEIR wrong without wrapping it in the perceived wrong of their spouse....has some work to do. Until a WW is ready to take full responsibility with no pretty "buts," it's going to be hard to recover. But when your WW finally comes to that place of REAL humility and desire to change......wonderful things can happen.

I am soooo glad to see a former wayward state this so clearly. My wife had an EA, and this is the one big thing that has come out of countless hours of counseling, reading, talking, etc. As one friend - our former pastor - said, 'she has a hole in her soul, and she's PO'd at you because you can't fix it, and now she's looking for other men to fix it. No one can do this but her.' This is so true. I think she is finally coming to realize this. I really wish that I could show her your post.

This is also very true in our case. I needed to 'show up', and the EA got my attention. I have learned so much from this site, from Dr. H's books (as well as other authors) and from counseling. I am a better person and husband because of this. Now, more than 10 months later, we are still trying to recover. I just don't think we'll ever be the same, because as of now, she still has that 'hole in her soul'.

Surely, though, we all realize that an A is a pretty horrible way to get someone's attention.

What made me come back was when the fog finally lifted, I was in my Alien state for almost 9 months, and I was gone for 10 day's from wheels and my family. Let me give you an example of what my feelings where BEFORE the affair.

I was happy, excited, loving, spiritual, and full of life.

Now let me tell you want I was like DURING the affairs....

Sad, depressed, resentful, angry, upset, and hated my life. (can you guess who has the same qualities? The adversary.)

Can you see the difference? I KNEW something was going wrong with me, (Satan loves tearing families apart) and the only way for me to get out of this affair fog was exposure, that pretty much did it for me. Once that fog lifted I only knew ONE thing what I wanted, and that was...

TO GET MY LIFE BACK HOW IT WAS BEFORE THE AFFAIRS!!

So I have a question, why do you think all of a sudden my feelings changed AS SOON as I started my affairs??

And what I have learned: Is that all marriages have their difficulties, but AFFAIRS are NEVER the answer to fixing your problems, they just make them worse!

My life with wheels before the affairs where perfect, we had everything going for us, but since my affairs there is now a little open cut that I have to sew up so we can have that perfect life again.

The worst. An open, honest relationship would never get to that point. And, as I'm finding out, it will take a long, long time for both spouses to recover.

Lurioosi2,
I want to thank you for answering this thread, It gives me hope to see that over time a wayward can see an affair for what it is and that the entitlement feeling that happens during that time is wrong and that the marriage cannot be fixed or thought about in the right context while that thought process happens for the wayward.......
I am so proud of you for doing the work to better yourself and your marriage in the process......It takes a strong person to admit fault within ourselves.....when things aren't perfect it takes strength not to waiver from our commitments, some times we fail, but you bounced back to your true self and I for one am very proud of you,
Remember no marriage is perfect, but getting through the tough times with inner strength and continuing to work on your problems is the key to happiness...
Happy for you in your recover and your discovery........hoping to be in the same boat one day.........my husband was the wayward......I hope one day he can say what you have said as well............

SR:

My wife is also at the point of anger. She moved out last week, and had filled for divorce (just 2.5 months after she told me she was not happy but would work in it and then bailed).

We just spoke via text about the kids yesterday and we agreed were to meet Tuesday to exchange the kids.

She made a comment about how "we finally agreed on something" and I said see, all you have to do is talk things through.

I then got the "yeah, like getting the divorce final"

Just angry, even her Mom and one of our common friends told her she was "angry".

I have a hard time thinking that she is upset, confused, depressed, etc right now.

Were you when you first left? If so, why? If not, how long till you were?

I am trying to learn more about the mind behind all this.

I am just confused as to what makes a person leave their spouse, the house, and want to share 4 children (one that just was adopted 3 months prior) all for "I miss my twenties and is this all my life is going to be" (she is 35 and her affair is with a 20 year old from work)

My wife was pregnant at 20 (prior to meeting me) and has told me how she misses her twenties because of that and I think she is trying to find them again

Thanks again

-DAT68

Honestly, dont delve too much in understanding the mind behind a wayward. They have the same tendencies of a coke addict, and will do anything to get the next fix. So they lie scheme and re-write history. Is about that simple. If something is getting in the way of their fix they get angry.

SR tried to analyze why she said the things during her affair, and it came out to be the same thing every time. It was a lie to justify the affair, and convince herself that she is entitled to it. Her actions were based on the same thing, to get the next fix, and she would tread on anyone that got in the way. That was until exposure, and people really saw why she was angry all the time, why she was treading on people and lying.

"If something is getting in the way of their fix they get angry."

Ahhh.....I never thought of it that way, but it makes perfect sense.

Thanks

-DAT68

Dat:

She is dating a 20 year old from here workplace?

Have you exposed this Affair to the people that they both work with? (Your WW saying that "nobody cares" doesn't count...)

And BTW, a 20 year old isn't going to be THAT interested in hanging with 4! kids. Talk about missing your twenties!

Make a phone call to OM and ask him how HE feels about 4 kids around the house all the time.

Time to fight DAT. You have been WAY to passive. Time to start fighting for this marriage of yours.

Your in the right place to have that fight also.

LG

lousygolfer:

Oh yeah, exposed this to everyone starting back in July. I am far into this.

Our common friends know, I contacted her workplace, parents, brothers, everyone.

I have been fighting, but like I have been reading, the begging and pleading has since stopped. We are in different homes now, and I have told her no contact at all unless its about the kids.


I am trying to figure out the wayward mind a little better at this point, that's all.

Thanks for your feedback, helps A ALOT...!

-DAT68

PS....Yes a 20 year old from her workplace and she is 35 and our oldest is 14...Ugghhhh

Yes after wheels exposed me two days later I left to live with my sister, I knew this person I became was not me, and I needed to help me before I can make a decision, let me tell you the feelings (towards wheels) I had before I left to live with my sister in CO

I hated him, I resented him, I didn't want to be with him any longer, and I quickly wanted to fix me so I can leave and have a good conscious doing so.

But what ended up happening was....

After 6 hours of being in CO something happened. Change of heart I suppose it's all I can think what it could have been.

During those hours I did not think about the OM I thought about wheels and my family, and since the fog was started to lift after he exposed, I believe it was totally gone when my heart changed. The whole time I was there (10 days) I was working on myself, and reading everything I can get my hands on about building marriages, building relationships, and reading self help books.

By the time I was home I was 110% ready on working on the marriage.