Hi all, long time since I've been here. I've come a long way since 2007 but find myself always checking out the boards for advice and guidence.

Since my D in 08, I've dated a wonderful girl for 2 years. Everything started out great but in the end, we just weren't right for each other. She had never been married, no children where I have 2 boys from my previous marriage. I know deep down she wants children but I know in my heart, I am all done with that phase of my life. I really want her to have children as well so we broke up based on that and some communication issues.
Of course I miss her and I'm concearned for her. Would it be OK to drop her a call or email to check on her or should I just go about this like, when you never talk to theat person again.

You see, I've really never broken up with someone and I'm 42. How weird is that. I value your opinions please.

Thanks,
Michael

Sorry posted in the wronf place. Moved to the Dating section.

Michael

I preferred to not hear from exes. There were two who tried to keep in contact: one of them usually made me feel bad about myself (not purposely, I just felt like a heel for how we'd broken up) and another I actually wanted to get back together with (then, not now). Contact from either was painful. So I say, just no. No contact.

If you broke up in a bad way maybe you deserve to feel like a heel. Just a thought...
But of course not facing them is the coward's way out.

Are you just trying to make yourself feel better or hoping she changed her stance on not having children by contacting her?

Your situation is a good example for anyone who goes back into dating.

In most relationships there are "deal breakers". Everyone has their own mentail list. If you are not interested in having more children which is perfectly acceptable then that is something you need to specifiy within the first few dates. Not maybe or we will see but no.

Otherwise you find yourself heartbroken when she doesn't change her mind.

Hi Kay, No we didn't break up on bad terms. We both came to the realization that we both had different hopes and dreams. It was to say the least amicable and there was hurt and pain on both sides.
We talked for a while, it wasn't a quick," I'm leaving you " .
We both kind of lost our smiles and that glow that was once so easy on both of our faces was replaced with the feeling that neither of us wanted to admit what was right in front of us.

Believe me, there is pain on both sides. She did know where I stood on having more children, and there was something I could see on her face when she saw a small baby or child. A certain glow and I watched the corners of her mouth bend. that's when I felt terrible that I could never give her that, so we had the talk.

Everything has been so difficult to say the least, and there was no turning and running on either's part. I just didn't know if it was right to contact her so soon after the break up and my wants for contacting her was not in hopes to see if see changed her mind but to really find out that she was ok.

I guess if I call, it's like a scab being ripped off a fresh wound, so I guess the best thing for everybody is to give them space.

M

Well at least you both talked and could step back and look at the situation with the observing eye and do what is best for both of you in spite of emotions. It sounds like you love and care for her and want what's ultimately in her best interest. The pain of a breakup is tremendous, but as we well know by this age, it eventually lessens it's grip and we heal. Maybe someday when the dust has settled and life has moved on into a more comfortable state for both of you, you can exchange Christmas cards and will find peace knowing that each of you is happier for having moved on. That will be of great consolation.

My girlfriend of four years broke up with me for the same reason. We She, however ralized that if she didn't face what wasn't working in her own dynamic, she would only repeat her "stuff" with someone else. I'd learn that years ago and fully supported her decision to pursue children...

...we kept in contact--when you start out as friends you can do that--and she asked me if I would go to Imago therapy with her so she could work her stuff out. I agreed, and what came out of this is that she has been freed of the prison of expecting others to "make" her happy. She accepts my position and our friendship has grown. She no longer throws guilt, I no longer catch it and we are both emotionally free to pursue trlationships without carring past issues from this one with it.

You really have to find some way to confront how you are feeling, clarify your relationship goals, and be honest about your intentions before you contact her--or anyone else for that matter. As formally betrayed spouses and divorced people, we want to always be about the work of building better, more authentic relationships. Good luck and many blessings, my friend.

Thank You for your advice, Delightonc- it sounds that your story is similar to mine. You my friend give me hope that one day, we can be friends and set healthy boundries. It does burden my heart to never see her again for she truly is the sweetest woman I've ever met but yet, her happiness is the most important thing to me.
If she can find what she longs for, needs, than I am happy.
I guess now, I have to let time work it's miracle and heal the broken heart.

Thank You all for your words of encouragement.
Michael