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#242763 01/25/04 12:39 AM
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Eight years ago I married a man 5 years younger than me. It was a whirlwind romance and we married three months after we met. Next thing I knew I was pregnant. A year later our son was born. A few days later the man I had married started physically abusing me. Yelling and insulting me and my family was part of our daily life. All my friends were insulted and driven off. He had the phone lines cut and monitored every move I made. I, a professional journalist and a world traveller, was baffled by this behaviour. I took his abusive behaviour till the time I read a article about people who use abuse to control others and then I started retaliating verbally. Gradually, after two police interventions and my very aggressive retaliations (if he threw a plate, I would throw out the contents of the entire closet) his physical and verbal abuse stopped and he seemed to be behave normally. But by the time that happened I had distanced myself mentally from him and reconnected myself with my friends and family. And now, even though I try to keep up appearances of a marriage, I find him very stupid and very boring. He refuses to go out in company, finds all my male friends "stupid", and thinks that alcohol is the only fun thing to have around. Sex with him is a boring chore and I find his sensitivity to everything under the sun very irritating. My patience is running out as is my ability to pretend that things are normal. I would like advice as to where to go from here. Divorce is not an option. We are fairly wealthy and I have the most wonderful son, who will be devastated in case of a breakup. But I definitely need a new way of thinking which would make this man palatable.

#242764 01/25/04 12:52 AM
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Hello,

I think you should rethink your options about divorce. What kind of a message you are giving to your child growing up in this environment? It is all right to be physically abusive, be humiliated and be drunk to show affection. What kind of damage will this have on your child growing up thinking this is the norm for a family unit. It sounds like you may be more interested in retaining your financial situation to the detriment of your own child and your own self-esteem. Is it really worth it? I wish you luck.

#242765 01/25/04 12:57 AM
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Hi mtabm...welcome to MB. I think you'll find lots of help here, but please realize that weekends tend to be slow. This is a good time to read all of the basic concepts of Marriage Builders...click the "Concepts" label at the very top of your screen under "Marriage Builders" then continue to explore the Q&A, articles, and questionnaires. There's lots of wonderful information at your fingertips.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would like advice as to where to go from here.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Start with reading the site, but I'd also be interested in seeing you make a list of the things you like about your husband. You've made a pretty long list of the bad things. How about the good things? What do you still love about him?
Then think about what YOU would need in this marriage to be happy. Be prepared to change YOU and not just him.
Have a good night.
Smile

#242766 01/25/04 01:00 AM
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Yes...I really should have said something about the abuse. That's unacceptable. Verbal abuse can be just as painful as physical abuse, too. There are two very big issues in your post and I think I may have been wrong to focus on the one about your husband being boring. The more important message was that your husband is abusive...that needs to be addressed first. You cannot fix your marriage as a victim of verbal and physical abuse. Please seek help.

Smile

#242767 01/25/04 06:39 AM
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Welcome to Marriage Builders.

Read everything that you can about the Marriage Builders program. Print the questionaires, specifically the Emotional Needs and the Love Busters. Fill them out for yourself. They will help you take inventory of what you need. After you do this, you will have a better understanding of where you need to go from here.

Blessings,

#242768 01/25/04 06:56 AM
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Please don't expect to change HIM at all--He has to want to change himself--

You say he's boring--I'm sorry but to me that sounds like a Disrespectful Judgement--

Just because someone doesn't like the same thing's you do--doesn't mean THEY are boring--it just means you have different idea's of what you consider to be fun--

Apparently you don't find it fun to sit around and drink all the time (personally, neither do I)
as we've discovered there is more to life--and if I'm so busy sitting and drinking or even sitting in front of the tv, or whatever--I'm missing out on other things--life is passing me by--so maybe he hasn't hit rock bottom here--in seeing how much he is missing--or maybe isn't quite sure how or even where to begin--

Have you asked him what is one thing he's always wanted to do--but has never done--and encourage him to do it--even if it's not something you'd like to do--maybe you could do it with him--learning more about his interest--and who knows you may find something you both enjoy--

#242769 01/25/04 07:41 AM
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What have you tried so far? Have the two of you been to counseling? Has he had any individual counseling for the the abusive behavior? It sounds to me as though you have distanced yourself from him and that you've emotionally divorced him.....do you expect him to be interesting or exciting in that environment? Change begins with you.

#242770 01/25/04 10:52 AM
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Is he open to personal growth through reading? If so, try "Beyond Anger: A Guide for Men". It's a pretty awesome book.

Good luck,

Mike

#242771 01/25/04 04:36 PM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Gradually, after two police interventions and my very aggressive retaliations (if he threw a plate, I would throw out the contents of the entire closet) his physical and verbal abuse stopped and he seemed to be behave normally. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i think you have taken away his control mechanisms, definately he learned that his behavior produces undesireable results. . and he he went to the opposite extreme. . . without his control he is nothing. . . that's why he can't go out in public, as he has lost his version of the good life, total control. . .

i think counseling with the Harleys is in order. . .

wiftty

#242772 01/26/04 08:18 AM
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I agree with the others here, but I suggest that you can only change yourself first and apply new ideas to your M. Hopefully, he will respond positively to the changes he sees in you. You are concerned enough to post here, he isn't.

I suggest getting Dr. Laura's book "The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands" and apply those principles. I wish she had written this book 24 years ago when my future W and I were courting. I belive it should be incorporated into any pre-marital counseling or marriage counseling. God bless!

#242773 01/26/04 09:32 AM
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i don't know if "THe Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" is going to go over so well w/ all women. particularly women who have lost respect and are not feeling very loving towards thier husbands as it is. that sounds like mtabm's issue here.

my sister said she thought it made men sound stupid, shallow, and egotistical. she said it oly made her feel pity for her husband, but did nothing to restore respect.

i will quote her....."all they need is to be well fed and well sexed...then you can manipulate them anyway you want. i'd be insulted if i was a man."

<small>[ January 26, 2004, 09:34 AM: Message edited by: nelly ]</small>

#242774 01/26/04 02:11 PM
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Nelly - these types of women are specifically targeted by this book. IF they CHOOSE to apply the principles they will have positive results. They can spend $25.00 on the book, get mad or insulted, be in denial, be in rebellion, and they have wasted $25.00. Or, they can CHOOSE to be teachable, CHOOSE to rescue a failing M, CHOOSE to adapt it to change themselves, and CHOOSE to get out of their comfort zones and MAKE their men eager to receive them.

I recommend the book very highly. But like any self-help book, it's only as good as to the extent it's applied. The early results indicate this will be a best seller and Dr. Laura daily shares stories from women and men both as to how the M has been improved. I truly wish we had it 24 years ago!

#242775 01/26/04 02:38 PM
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i understand what you are saying, hurting. and i agree, it will be very helppful to a woman who really wants to save her marriage.....and who wants to understand why her husband isn't recieving her well......

for some women.....i think they may need to tackle the question..... DO they WANT
thier husbands eager to recieve them??

some women find that thought too much. they have already lost respect for the man and the marriage is nothing but a power struggle.

they may need to start somewhere else first.

#242776 01/26/04 02:57 PM
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Nelly - so true and I agree with that. There first has to be a recognition that change is needed and secondly, the willingness to forge ahead and tackle the issue. Too many spouses don't even see a problem until they are blindsided by the other spouse.

#242777 01/26/04 04:01 PM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by nelly:
<strong> i don't know if "THe Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" is going to go over so well w/ all women. particularly women who have lost respect and are not feeling very loving towards thier husbands as it is. that sounds like mtabm's issue here.

my sister said she thought it made men sound stupid, shallow, and egotistical. she said it oly made her feel pity for her husband, but did nothing to restore respect.

i will quote her....."all they need is to be well fed and well sexed...then you can manipulate them anyway you want. i'd be insulted if i was a man." </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Someone on alt.radio.talk.dr-laura pointed out that given Dr. Laura's well publicized dropping of Orthodox Judaism back when she started racing sailboats on the Sabbath, for all we know she might change her ideas about husbands, too, and in six months start suggesting we start slapping and spitting at them.

#242778 01/26/04 04:12 PM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by elspeth:
<strong>Someone on alt.radio.talk.dr-laura pointed out that given Dr. Laura's well publicized dropping of Orthodox Judaism back when she started racing sailboats...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dr. Laura is into sailing? You know, I've never liked very much of what she's had to say and I'm definitely not a fan of Dr. Laura. However, if she's into sailing she can't be all that bad. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

#242779 01/27/04 08:21 AM
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I don't agree with Dr. Laura, or any other secular "self-help" guru all the time, but I can tell you she hit the nail on the head with this book. I felt liberated as a man (take that, feminists!) reading it, and that's NOT a bad thing. It also convicted me to look at myself and ways of making it more condusive for my W, if she returns, to implement the changes. The book can work for either spouse to improve the M.

#242780 01/27/04 09:20 AM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hurting Promise Keeper:
<strong> I don't agree with Dr. Laura, or any other secular "self-help" guru all the time, but I can tell you she hit the nail on the head with this book. I felt liberated as a man (take that, feminists!) reading it, and that's NOT a bad thing. It also convicted me to look at myself and ways of making it more condusive for my W, if she returns, to implement the changes. The book can work for either spouse to improve the M. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's interesting you refer to her as a "secular" self help guru, because up until August, when she announced her spiritual crisis, she presented herself as anything but secular-she was an Orthodox Jew and mentioned it frequently, referring to her understanding of Jewish law in advising her callers. Do you see anyone who is not Christian as "secular" despite their religious affiliation?

#242781 01/27/04 09:46 AM
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elspeth - good question. I adhere to the Biblical definition of a Christian as one who has accepted Jesus Christ as their personal Savior and Lord of their life. Scriptural references are John 3:16, Romans 5:1-2, Romans 10:9-13, and others. The name over the church door doesn't matter, it's where a person stands with Jesus. God bless!


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