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#2425149 09/07/10 10:19 PM
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I feel I'm ready to meet someone special but my life is so complicated. I've been alone in my marriage as my husband had his long time affair (unbeknownced to me). And alone in the year and a half since separating. I would like some company from a handsome fella who thinks I'm cool and some adult conversation.

Trouble is xhusband left for Florida and now there is no visitation. Plus he left us broke. Really broke. Yes I concentrating on kids and work primarily, but would still like to start dating. All interested men ask me what weekends I have off. When ivtell them I have no weekends off I can see the stress on their foreheads. How does one do the dating thing with NO breaks or help from x?

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Sorry I can't help you my kids were pretty much grown, my youngest daughter was 17, when I finally started dating. Took me 7 years from my divorce to be ready or find that someone that I wanted to date.

The guy that I am dating now has 4 kids, 19, 17, 12, 8. I wasn't introduced to them til just recently and only as a friend of dads, there is no touching or kissing when we are doing things with them. I am ok with that, they are his priorities right now. He has them 3 nights a week and usually 1 or two weekends a month. We do something with them about every two weeks, hiking, fishing, golfing, movie watching. It's tough, but gives us time to take things slowly, I am thinking it will be worth it in the end!!!

Just my 2 cents worth for you!!!

Dawn


BS 49
Divorced 10 yrs/married 21 yrs
Life is good and I am happy!
Engaged to be married on the 4th of August 2012!
30yoS&DIL & 2 gson/27yoD-Divorced & 3 gson/21yoD
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Is there a friend where you can exchange babysitting favors. Do you belong to a church where someone could help you out or a family member?

I would watch them because I just don't date. lol

NI = not interested


Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09

Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
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FellsPoint, I think Match has a new web site for Single Parents. That may be a place to start.
Also, when a man asks you what weekends you have free, you could turn it around and say "I have full custody, but I do my part for the economy by hiring babysitters. If you have an evening in mind, let me know and I'll check my calendar."

If the men still run away, just realize that your circumstances will save you a lot of angst down the line. Players, good-time guys, etc will self-select out. The chances of you getting played are much lower.


Divorced.
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Remarried 10/11/08
Widowed 11/5/08
Remarrying 12/17/15
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Originally Posted By: Greengables
FellsPoint, I think Match has a new web site for Single Parents. That may be a place to start.
Also, when a man asks you what weekends you have free, you could turn it around and say "I have full custody, but I do my part for the economy by hiring babysitters. If you have an evening in mind, let me know and I'll check my calendar."

If the men still run away, just realize that your circumstances will save you a lot of angst down the line. Players, good-time guys, etc will self-select out. The chances of you getting played are much lower.


Very true.

When they ask you what weekend you have free they are just assuming (naturally) you have a free weekend. When you reply 'I never have an off weekend', I think it is possible they might read that as NI. I like GG's suggestion above to explain your situation while still appearing interested.

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Fellspoint,

if possible I would give a potential date as little information as possible about having your children 24/7 at least for the first date or 2.

Make arrangements with a sitter and go out and have fun. If you see a potential spark with someone then you can explain your information. Why throw up too many roadblocks before you even step out the door with them.

Keep us posted.


Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09

Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
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You could say, "any weekend I hire a babysitter". I would see if you could trade babysitting with a friend.


Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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I like GG's suggestion, very good way to be open about your situation but not allowing it to rule your life!!!!

Dawn


BS 49
Divorced 10 yrs/married 21 yrs
Life is good and I am happy!
Engaged to be married on the 4th of August 2012!
30yoS&DIL & 2 gson/27yoD-Divorced & 3 gson/21yoD
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Wow, good advice. I probably have been responding a little to harsh to the inquiries. I had been enjoying the offtime that the every other weekend visitations allowed and it was a tough switch to no time off. Been a bit overwhelmed. I do have lots of great friends and sitters to help out. Thanx all.

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I love lunch dates!

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Being a single father, I understand your position. However, my boys are with there mother every other weekend, so I don't have the same limitations.

However, from the dating standpoint, it is difficult for a potential partner to think about dating someone who from the very beginning, can't give time to him/her. I recognize your situation and its limitations, however, I would recommend FIRST developing a life which allows you time for yourself outside of your children. THEN when you have developed a "YOU" again, and have a clear ability to bring someone into your life with time to give to HIM and a relationship as well, THEN you think about dating.

Any man who is worthwhile will have a strong sense of 'self' and will want a woman who likewise has a strong sense of 'herself'. While I am fully willing to join in with a 'family' at some point, a woman should realize that it is HER that I am primarily interested in. If she doesn't have and can't make the time to show me some undivided interest as well, then she won't be able to show me the interest in a relationship either.

It sounds harsh, perhaps. Thinking that you have to put your children out of 'front and center' for someone else sometimes. However, in reality, you will have to IMO. The most precious gift you can give your children is not your LOVE, but an education and understanding which will allow THEM to live a great life... and given our society, that means to prepare them for a good, wholesome, and value oriented relationship. As much as I love my boys utterly. I would rather they have a lukewarm loving relationship with ME and a WONDERFUL relationship with their wives. They will spend each and every day with their spouses, God willing, and visit me a couple times a month.

So I WANT them to KNOW what a relationship is and how it can work. That although they need to love and cherish their children, their WIVES are most important, because in loving and enjoying a wonderful relationship with their wives, they will be giving THEIR CHILDREN the greatest gift they can give... even if it turns into a lukewarm relationship with themselves.

IMO...

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FPM,
I'm new to the dating thing as I'm just recently officially unmarried. But as I'm conceptualizing this thing I'd have to say I have a little different perspective. I'm roughly in the same situation where I have my kids a lot. But I still want to go out and enjoy a woman's company at some point.
If a Mom said "I really want to go out with you but I do have some time constraints, I hope you understand. We'll have to plan advance enough for me to make arrangements for my kids. When were you thinking of?"
That would be music to my ears. It shows me a woman who has things in perspective but still feels it's okay to go out and have fun once in a while. Since I'm not ready to jump into anything serious it also tells me I'm not going to have someone who wants to go out too often right off the bat; it would be too complicated, so it would naturally start off slow.
I like the advice you have so far. Getting a babysitter once in a while, even in the absence of an actual date might be a good start, just to establish the rhythm of it and get you out in a social setting so you can get used to relaxing a little.
Hope that helps Fells.

opt


Me: 43 y.o. BFWH, D-day 11/11/09 (NC since 9/01)
Divorce from WW final 9/16/10.
Current Status: MB-based Marriage to Nature Girl 12/8/12 (first date on 12/11/10)
Mine: S(16), D(11)
NatureGirls: S(23), D(21)
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