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How do i removed my attachment to my ex hubby?


Age 36yr old / 1 Son~shine 8yrs old

Status; Divorcing Mode/Separated - Mar. 2009
Married 2001

Married 8yrs, ex was cheating on me entire 6yrs
Two daughters to his mistress (5 & 1 yr. old)
captivatingwoman74@gmail.com
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You need to follow Marriage Builders Plan B: do not communicate with or see your ex husband at all, do not allow him to communicate with you except through an intermediary, and have your intermediary not even tell you about anything he says unless it is about your children (if any) or some aspect of finances that has to affect you both.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted By: CaptivatingWoman
How do i removed my attachment to my ex hubby?


Hi CaptivatingWoman, A couple of questions...how long have you been D, how long were you married, and do you have children?

Did you follow Marriage builders during your M or D? Sorry you find yourself here.


Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09

Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
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Hi, Captivating. Probably the best way to develop some emotional distance from a spouse is to consider them an allergy. Supposed you loved cats, but you found that every time you were around the cat, you had sneezing and drippy nose. After a while, you instinctively putting cats out of your life to avoid the havoc they cause.

For me, it would be like developing an allergy to shellfish; no matter how much I might enjoy the meal, having hives and swollen tongue and wheezing is so life threatening that it outweighs any benefit of contact.

Or maybe, you have always loved walking your favorite path in the woods, but now you find that vines of poison ivy festoon the trees and paths. You know that no matter how lovely that path was, the truth is that you can never safely travel it again. For your health and well being, you will find other paths that bring you joy, without the negative consequence of tangling you up in poison ivy.

Good luck!


http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2399446#Post2399446
FBS- me, 53
FWH-53
Married 34 yrs
DD 27 and 30, DS 19 (disabled)
after 2nd DDay, filed for D Dec 09 (me)
6-6-10 WH moved in with OW
7-3-10 WH returned home
taking recovery one day at a time

"Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See I am doing a new thing!
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland."
Isaiah 43:18-19
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I find contact with my ex reminds me why we're no longer married. But, if you ex is sweet and nice to you, no contact is the way to go for a while. That and remembering that being sweet and kind to ex's is really cruel, and often manipulative.

But, the best way to put emotional distance between you and your ex is to start getting some of your needs met elsewhere. This do NOT mean dating. It means friends and family. Family are usually constant. If they were supportive and wonderful before the divorce, they will be now. If they've always been a nightmare, they'll still be a nightmare.

Friends are trickier. Some married friends you can keep, especially if they are what I call "Daytime friends." Daytime friends are people you hang with at work, or have playdates with if you are at home. You rarely see them socially in the evenings or weekends. Other married friends are tougher. Even if you are still friends after separating, it becomes harder to meet up. They are doing couple things, and you've got a bunch of empty evenings to fill. This is where renewing frienships with single girlfriends comes into play. Facebook can be fabulous for this.

Also, make new friends. Meetup.com has groups that do stuff like walking, politics, cycling, on down the line.

You do a bunch of this stuff and suddenly you find you have rebuilt your life. And there's no room for left over exs. Takign a class or volunteering are excellent also.

Or just paint every bloomin' room in your house, like I did.


Divorced.
2 Girls
Remarried 10/11/08
Widowed 11/5/08
Remarrying 12/17/15
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We've been separated for less than two years now, we're good friends & we get along very well. But lately, i have this feeling that I'm still hurting & I don't like it. Do not communicate is the next step & file my annulment. What do you think?


Age 36yr old / 1 Son~shine 8yrs old

Status; Divorcing Mode/Separated - Mar. 2009
Married 2001

Married 8yrs, ex was cheating on me entire 6yrs
Two daughters to his mistress (5 & 1 yr. old)
captivatingwoman74@gmail.com
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I have been married for 8 years, i have one Sonshine.
First two years was Ok, the next 6yrs he has a mistress with two daughters 5 & 1 yr old.
For the last 6yrs we treat each other like brother & sister, more on a business partners.


Age 36yr old / 1 Son~shine 8yrs old

Status; Divorcing Mode/Separated - Mar. 2009
Married 2001

Married 8yrs, ex was cheating on me entire 6yrs
Two daughters to his mistress (5 & 1 yr. old)
captivatingwoman74@gmail.com
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 20
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I agree with you EllenG, I will do that


Age 36yr old / 1 Son~shine 8yrs old

Status; Divorcing Mode/Separated - Mar. 2009
Married 2001

Married 8yrs, ex was cheating on me entire 6yrs
Two daughters to his mistress (5 & 1 yr. old)
captivatingwoman74@gmail.com
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I'll try... easy said than done. I hope I'll be able to do these things.

Thanks Greengables


Age 36yr old / 1 Son~shine 8yrs old

Status; Divorcing Mode/Separated - Mar. 2009
Married 2001

Married 8yrs, ex was cheating on me entire 6yrs
Two daughters to his mistress (5 & 1 yr. old)
captivatingwoman74@gmail.com
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Posts: 20
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To be honest guys, i really don't like myself lately, it's like I'm too weak & feeling like a failure & have less interest in my work. And it seems like I don't accomplish things anymore. I do need to discipline myself & love my singleness. I know a lot of things and solutions but as they say "It's not what you know, its what you do on what you know"

I don't know how to motivate myself anymore, I am more incline on thinking what i don't have.

I should be counting my blessing & concentrate more on my strengths.

frown


Age 36yr old / 1 Son~shine 8yrs old

Status; Divorcing Mode/Separated - Mar. 2009
Married 2001

Married 8yrs, ex was cheating on me entire 6yrs
Two daughters to his mistress (5 & 1 yr. old)
captivatingwoman74@gmail.com
Joined: Jul 2001
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CW, have you talked to someone? It sounds like you may be suffering from a mild depression. Lack on interest in stuff, feeling weak, not accomplishing stuff. A majority of people will suffer from depression at some point in their life. It's often situational. If this is the case with you, it may not be so simple as knowing what you need to do and disciplining yourself to do it.

A good therapist working with a psychiatrist can jump start the motivation and fight the isolation that depression brings.
I have a list of suggestions when it comes to depression because I can fall into it easily.
First, exercise and break a sweat. Exercise combined with talk therapy is as successful as medication combined with talk therapy. That huge!
2nd, don't sleep more than 8 hours no matter how tempting. Some depressives sleep more (me) others can't sleep. But, a study has shown that oversleeping may contribute to depression.
3rd,Don't be afraid to tell people you're going through a rough patch. (This does not apply to the ex.)
4th, Never listen to Pink Floyd.
5th, Celebtrate the small successes in life. If getting out of bed is a big decision, have a party for yourself when you do it!
6th, I actually talk to the depression when I'm suffering it. It helps me fight it.


Divorced.
2 Girls
Remarried 10/11/08
Widowed 11/5/08
Remarrying 12/17/15
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Thanks Greengables, I'll start my exercise, all what you said are true. And Notice lately i sleep more than 8 yrs and I'm usually sleepy in the afternoon which i thought i was Anemic. I tell people what I've been through but i don't tell them that I'm not doing good. Thank You, i love all your ideas. Hope to hear from you again.


Age 36yr old / 1 Son~shine 8yrs old

Status; Divorcing Mode/Separated - Mar. 2009
Married 2001

Married 8yrs, ex was cheating on me entire 6yrs
Two daughters to his mistress (5 & 1 yr. old)
captivatingwoman74@gmail.com
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 20
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Whaaa... still having a hard time... Can we just reformat our memory like what we do to our laptops...hahahaha

Mindset all i have to do is monitor my Thoughts...
I'll talking to myself again


Age 36yr old / 1 Son~shine 8yrs old

Status; Divorcing Mode/Separated - Mar. 2009
Married 2001

Married 8yrs, ex was cheating on me entire 6yrs
Two daughters to his mistress (5 & 1 yr. old)
captivatingwoman74@gmail.com
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 532
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I have been feeling a little down the last couple of days. Went to a party last Friday, and there were alot of women there who were very accomodating and interested. I realized I am just not at that point yet, and spent the evening acting like a Heisman Candidate.

Anyway, I have been a little wistful since, and I realized that I have been sugar coating my marriage, instead of looking at it rationally. The 'good times' I felt were very good in my mind, and in reality, that is what counts, however the BAD TIMES were more consistently evident, and lately I have been 'forgetting' how badly I felt most of the time due to how she ignored and berated both me and my boys.

SO... I came back here and reread a few posts I made early in my marriage.

HEH... this really puts the reality back into the picture.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1983734&page=1

So, I would recommend if you have any posts, or old letters, or whatever written at the time when you were in the thick of the mess, go back and reread them. Our lives tend towards one of two extremes... we minimize or maximize the issues... both tend to be exaggerations of the truth. However, when you are feeling the 'longing' of your ex... it is likely that you are minimizing, and there is nothing like a good wakeup call written 3 years ago to bring you back to life!

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JFO, we'll if we're talking about longing with my ex hubby, i don't feel that anymore. It's been 7yrs since we separate as couples. I just long to have a companion but i know i should seek the Lord first.

It will pass, i pray it will soon. Want to get used to be single. Thanks JFO


Age 36yr old / 1 Son~shine 8yrs old

Status; Divorcing Mode/Separated - Mar. 2009
Married 2001

Married 8yrs, ex was cheating on me entire 6yrs
Two daughters to his mistress (5 & 1 yr. old)
captivatingwoman74@gmail.com
Joined: Jan 2007
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Its not the missing of my Ex... it is the missing of the things we used to do which I enjoyed.

We would go to Chicago, and even though more times than not, it wasn't a very loving trip between us... I still loved going, because I liked being there myself. I could go alone, but I know that it wouldn't be the same. Sharing it with someone, even who treated me poorly and simply took as much as possible, still gave me more of a purpose. Walking up and down Michigan Ave alone wouldn't feel the same. Although it would be nice to walk with someone who cared enough about me to smile at me, not just at what I could buy her.

I miss going to some of the nice restaraunts here in town. I realize that I probably won't be back in them for several years in all reality, because the LAST thing I want is to be taking dates to them. I don't want a date to want me because I have the ability to take her to expensive restaraunts. BUT, I miss going and having conversation and enjoying the great food and atmosphere at them.

So... I understand the missing of a partner. Not 7 years worth of missing... I don't believe I will be out of commission that long. But at least I recognize somewhat what you are stating. It is just that IMO, you haven't moved on, because you remain attached. Given he has children with his new partner SINCE your separation, it is unlikely that he will return, or IMO that he is someone worth ALLOWING to return.

Each journey begins with a single step... my suggestion is that you look at what that step is and really needs to be in order to take the second.

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JFO, friends are great for going to Chicago and restaurants. You don't need dates to enjoy company and fun.


Divorced.
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Widowed 11/5/08
Remarrying 12/17/15
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CW, I'm confused I thought you said you had been separated less than 2 years. Now you wrote that you had been split up for 7 years.

These are a little different. Could you clarify please?


Divorced.
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Widowed 11/5/08
Remarrying 12/17/15
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I think in this instance, it is different between men and women. Friends, as a guy, have different functions and do different things than 'girls trip'. I don't see any of my friends and I going to Chicago, walking around looking at the sites, and going to a restaraunt in the evening. Going to a play or to see Blue Man Group etc. It just isn't the same for guys. Now, going camping/hunting/football/Vegas... yes I can see, however, these are not the things I did with my wife. And those are the things I did most, and thus miss most.

I have a good friend, but frankly... I don't relish the thought of having him sitting next to me at Jersey Boys, etc.

Nope... for me, sometimes the company of a woman in a 'partner' role is necessary for certain activities.

Women, I believe, can do all those things with another woman as friends... it is just different for men.

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JFO, I totally understand your viewpoint that it's different for men than women. But women don't exactly have it easier. One of the problems I had was that my women friends were either married, single parents or single/no kids. The married and single mom's had fairly tight schedules - I could do things with them but they had to be planned way in advance. They were not people I could just drop in on, or call up and invite for coffee at times I really needed companionship. Though I was technically a single mom, my son was in college so I had the availability of a single woman with no kids. The single women with no kids led a very, very different lifestyle from me. I did attempt to get to know a couple of these women better, but I found we just didn't have the common ground to develop any more than a superficial friendship. I also found that they scheduled their lives and were rarely available for a spur-of-the-moment coffee or visit.

When I first started dating my BF, I was actually a little jealous of him as he seemed to have an entire network of people (other men) who he could get together with at the drop of a hat. There seems to be an overabundance of men's activities that don't require advanced planning. There are pick-up sports games, golfing, watching sports on TV or at a sports bar, even just dropping into a pub (somehow it's socially acceptable for men to hang out at a pub to socialize and watch sports but if a woman does it she must be cruising for a man!).

I found the early days of singlehood to be very, very lonely and challenging. Unless I overwelmed myself with appointments, I had vast periods of unrelenting solitude. It sucked.


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