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mindshare #2429050 09/22/10 12:30 PM
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Anne,

Please don't leave. Your grace and patience has been a huge example for me. I am not in the same situation. It has however shown something to me in my own.

Personally, I feel your situation is much more complex then an affair, it is about his actual moral charactor and his fraternity like mentality.

You will be in my continued prayers,

Regards

SR
perhaps putting your issues on to someone else is unfair. I would hope this to be a place of support not condemnation.


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Anne I'm hear asking you to stay as well. Please don't let SR run you off.

SR: When you marry a non-worthy person pretending to be worthy, it is appropriate to cut that person loose once you find out the truth. His basic character is severely flawed in a big way, thus he is not good marriage material. Your fear reaction lead you to "speak" in a very nasty way to Anne, and now you say you will not apologize. I hope you reconsider the need for an apology, not for Anne's sake because she doesn't need anything from you, but for your own sake. Do not see Anne's husband and you as being the same kind of folk; you are not.

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Originally Posted by GoingUphill
Anne I'm hear asking you to stay as well. Please don't let SR run you off.

SR: When you marry a non-worthy person pretending to be worthy, it is appropriate to cut that person loose once you find out the truth. His basic character is severely flawed in a big way, thus he is not good marriage material. Your fear reaction lead you to "speak" in a very nasty way to Anne, and now you say you will not apologize. I hope you reconsider the need for an apology, not for Anne's sake because she doesn't need anything from you, but for your own sake. Do not see Anne's husband and you as being the same kind of folk; you are not.


The only thing I am sorry for is thinking she wanted to save her marriage. I mean that is the reason why she came on here right?

Also I am sorry that I feel that families are a HUGE reason why we are even here on this earth. And it breaks my heart when I see them get tore apart.

She has made her decision and not I or anyone else can change that.

You can tell me that I am wrong and that I was mean, but I am sorry for saying that I believe in families.

Good luck Anne best wishes to you

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Originally Posted by SapphireReturns
Originally Posted by anne505
Sapphire, you're right. I shouldn't post here anymore and no longer plan to. Thanks to everyone for your advice and support over the past few months. You've been a great help to me. Good luck and good bye.


Sorry that you sat there and watched your family get torn into half.

Goodbye and have a hard lessened learned

Wow. Your self-importance is really something to behold. Maybe your own husband ought to chew on that for awhile.

kerala #2431036 09/29/10 03:13 PM
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Originally Posted by kerala
Wow. Your self-importance is really something to behold. Maybe your own husband ought to chew on that for awhile.


Actually my husband wheels agrees with me 100 % he's the one that told me that he was worried about anne lovebank. So when I told him what has been going on with this thread he was a little disappointed.

And actually her first response tells me that I said something that rang true to her and yet she decides to ignore it and leave. Not my fault.

Again I am sorry that I thought she wanted to fix her marriage.

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Hi everyone....Anne asks that I let you all know she is ok and is not gone for good...just needs a break from the board...she might even be reading and not responding.

SR, the thing is Anne DID come on here to get help with her marriage, but surely you agree that not every person that comes on this board has a marriage that is worth saving.

Anne has not ruined her marriage by not confronting...her WH ruined it all by himself before she knew anything about what was going on. In fact, their relationship has been a total sham from almost the beginning. She knows this from much of what she has learned and not necessarily shared here. Her months of intel and snooping have given her insight into his character that she would have NEVER gotten otherwise.




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SR - you know I love you dear, but you are way off base here.

Yes, marriage and family is important. BUT some marriages can't and shouldn't be saved. You are VERY lucky wheels decided to take you back after your infidelities. He was under absolutely NO obligation to do so after you violated your vows.

If in the process of snooping Anne decided that she DIDN'T want to recover her marriage based on what was revealed of her husband's character, that is COMPLETELY her choice. It is between her, her husband and the Lord.

Like you cannot tell someone they must have 6 kids or 0 kids, you cannot tell them they MUST stay in a marriage to someone who abuses and neglects them to the extent her husband has. That is HER decision and one we must respect.

After gaining her knowledge, and making a decision to leave can you fault her for working to create the BEST possible environment for her children (children her husband doesn't seem to care too much for) so that the transition is as easy as possible? She's PREGNANT for crying out loud.

We are called to mourn with those that morn and comfort with those that stand in need of comfort. We should mourn with Anne the loss of her marriage, the tragic decision to marry someone so lacking in decency, we should comfort her through this difficult journey.

Not condemn her for not achieving Sapph's standard of ENOUGH.

THAT IS NOT FOR YOU TO JUDGE.

It is for her, her children and HER MAKER to judge.

Support marriage. Fight for it. But accept that sometimes a marriage must end, and mourn it for the tragedy it is, but don't lambast the VICTIM in your zeal.


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Good lord, back for round 2 of defending an indefensible position? Borrowing from Napoleon, "Never reinforce defeat".

Originally Posted by SR
And actually her first response tells me that I said something that rang true to her and yet she decides to ignore it and leave. Not my fault.


Really? You�re clairvoyant? I thought her first response sounded like she was getting tired of reading your shrill, mean spirited cheap shots.

The only thing here you are right about is no one can run someone off the board. That�s a poster�s choice to stay or leave. But you can make someone�s own thread a hostile and unsafe environment. Good job on that.

Originally Posted by SR
Actually my husband wheels agrees with me 100 % he's the one that told me that he was worried about anne lovebank. So when I told him what has been going on with this thread he was a little disappointed.

Well at the risk of repeating myself�.

Originally Posted by chrisner
Many posters here including me had voiced their concern that Anne�s long term plan would make recovery more challenging. But she made multiple well considered posts that explained her position, decisions and plan. Enough said. Accept it or stop posting to her. She�s the betrayed spouse. It�s her choice.
Read it again if you have to.


Quote
Again I am sorry that I thought she wanted to fix her marriage.
MrRollieEyes



Originally Posted by SR
I don't care if the 2X4's are for me! laugh

How's that working for you?


Testosterone boys! Testosterone! It aint just for nose, ear and back hair anymore!
chrisner #2431059 09/29/10 04:31 PM
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I haven't read this whole thread so please excuse me if I am off, but I wanted to add that not every marriage is salvagable. And if a BS doesn't choose to save a marriage, she is fully justified in not doing so and doesn't have to answer to anyone. Dr Harley addresses this in his infidelity video [hat tip to BarnBoy for transcribing it]

Dr. Willard Harley from his infidelity video here

When I first started doing this, I could not imagine anybody getting over it. Now, there are a lot of people that have told me that they haven't gotten over it. Thirty years has gone by, and they haven't gotten over it. But they haven't gone through the procedure I recommend, either.

The people that have gone through this procedure that I recommend HAVE gotten over it. And to me it's the most amazing thing that you can go through the worst experience of your life -- somebody hurting you in the worst way possible -- and, two years later, you love the guy, you trust the guy, you forgive the guy, you never wanna lose the guy.

To me, that's amazing.

It's what love is all about. It's what male-female relationships are all about. And when you do things the right way, you can restore a relationship even when a professional like me looks at it and thinks it's hopeless.

I got a procedure that works even when I think it's hopeless!

Even when I don't think... "I think you oughtta' leave the guy! What a jerk!"

"No, I don't really wanna leave the guy. Tell me what I can do to save the marriage."

"Well, OK, I'll give you some help."

So, you know, this is what I do. I do this for a living. I help people solve problems where I'm not always convinced that they oughtta' be solved.

But I know how to solve 'em. This is the way... this is the way do it.

If a person says "I don't want to save my marriage", I'd say "I agree! You have no argument with me! Your spouse did something that, from my perspective, is the most disgraceful thing imaginable. If you wanna leave him for that, you have my blessings."

But people have come to me and said "I want you to help me save my marriage."

"OK, I can do that, too. This is how to do it."

But it's a very narrow road, and I don't know of another way that can be accomplished. I don't know of another way. You can never see or talk to the [affair partner]* again, you're gonna go through a period of withdrawal that's, that's, that's a little bit ugly, and then you're gonna have to learn how to achieve these three goals in your marriage:

You're gonna have to learn how to make all of your decisions with each other in mind.

You're gonna have to learn how to avoid being the cause of each other's unhappiness.

And you're gonna have to learn how to meet each other's emotional needs.

*Dr. Harley says 'spouse' here in the video, but it's obvious he means the affair partner, who most often is married him or herself


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Yes TY for sharing your in site laugh

I do accept her decision she has every right to leave her husband.

But like I said I thought she wanted to save it, so I am apologizing for thinking she wanted to save it.

And chrisner I only gave her ONE 2x4 and she leaves?? I do not understand that at all. And again I do not mind the 2X4 for me at all laugh so how are they working for me? Just fine if you really wanted to ask.

SO now that she wants to divorce her husband I'm all good laugh I'll just read her updates and see how she's doing.

Good luck Anne

P.S I do not mind if you ignore the posts I posted they were for someone who wanted her marriage back, and I apologize for sending you the 2X4's

Vibrissa #2431077 09/29/10 05:15 PM
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Originally Posted by Vibrissa
SR - you know I love you dear, but you are way off base here.

Yes, marriage and family is important. BUT some marriages can't and shouldn't be saved. You are VERY lucky wheels decided to take you back after your infidelities. He was under absolutely NO obligation to do so after you violated your vows.

If in the process of snooping Anne decided that she DIDN'T want to recover her marriage based on what was revealed of her husband's character, that is COMPLETELY her choice. It is between her, her husband and the Lord.

Like you cannot tell someone they must have 6 kids or 0 kids, you cannot tell them they MUST stay in a marriage to someone who abuses and neglects them to the extent her husband has. That is HER decision and one we must respect.

After gaining her knowledge, and making a decision to leave can you fault her for working to create the BEST possible environment for her children (children her husband doesn't seem to care too much for) so that the transition is as easy as possible? She's PREGNANT for crying out loud.

We are called to mourn with those that morn and comfort with those that stand in need of comfort. We should mourn with Anne the loss of her marriage, the tragic decision to marry someone so lacking in decency, we should comfort her through this difficult journey.

Not condemn her for not achieving Sapph's standard of ENOUGH.

THAT IS NOT FOR YOU TO JUDGE.

It is for her, her children and HER MAKER to judge.

Support marriage. Fight for it. But accept that sometimes a marriage must end, and mourn it for the tragedy it is, but don't lambast the VICTIM in your zeal.


TY VIB

I actually appreciated your post, now that I know for sure she is divorcing and that is her decision I am totally OK with it. (that is her decision and know one can change that for her) I just didn't know that was what she wanted, I guess my first post should have been...

"When are you filing for a divorce?"

Instead of the 2X4 laugh

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Hmmm... this situation needs to be diffused. Everyone here is saying the same things. Anne has come here seeking advice, people gave her info on how to snoop, she snooped, and never exposed. She was in plan A until her LB was depleted and well into the red and decided to get a divorce.

Sapph, not knowing that anne was going to divorce, said you have to expose (confront) now to save your marriage, and look at what this thread turns into. This is disgusting.

You are all saying the same things. Its annes choice, everyone supports her in the divorce, and we all wish that she had exposed before it got to this point. I havent read too much more than that. From what I read of sapph I highly doubt that she individually ran anne off, and it was not her intention to. Sure I think she lacks compassion for the BS sometimes, but that is one reason why i like her posting here. It really has helped her understand some things.

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Originally Posted by Wheels_spinning
You are all saying the same things. Its annes choice, everyone supports her in the divorce, and we all wish that she had exposed before it got to this point.

I am one who did not push the expose NOW idea...and I'm glad she didn't...she would not have learned the full scope of her WH's deceipt if she had. True, her LB is depleted...but HE did it....not her. The clarity she got from extended snooping is priceless. If she had snooped for 6 months and found her WH to be basically the man she thought she had married and that he had just gone a bit wayward...then I doubt her LB would now be depleted. But that isn't what she found.


Originally Posted by Wheels_spinning
I havent read too much more than that. From what I read of sapph I highly doubt that she individually ran anne off, and it was not her intention to. Sure I think she lacks compassion for the BS sometimes, but that is one reason why i like her posting here. It really has helped her understand some things.

This I agree with. I do hope she is helped by posting on the boards.

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Wow, lots of activity here. A great big THANK YOU to those of you who have shown me such kindness and support. I would love to post individual messages to each and every one of you but I feel like so much of what I have to say would become redundant after a few posts. Please know that your advice and suggestions have helped me a great deal along my journey.

Nothing new here. I'll make sure to post as soon as I can after the baby comes. I am always touched by a message from someone asking how the baby is doing. It's just so nice to know that people care. Looking forward to having good news to post very soon!

anne505 #2439251 10/31/10 02:00 PM
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Just checking in to let you know that I had my baby a few weeks ago. She is beautiful and I am so happy! Things with WH are status quo and I'm focusing on the good things in my life. Right now I am very happy with the way things are going. WH is helping out with the baby a lot and I'm taking advantage of the help while I still have it. I feel like things are falling into place and the confrontation will happen when the time is right for me.

Thanks to all for your support and advice. I hope everyone has a safe and Happy Halloween!

anne505 #2439258 10/31/10 02:34 PM
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Keeping you in my thoughts! Nice to hear about your sweet baby girl!

Keep us posted!

anne505 #2439259 10/31/10 02:39 PM
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Congrats on your baby girl!

anne505 #2439276 10/31/10 04:52 PM
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Originally Posted by anne505
Just checking in to let you know that I had my baby a few weeks ago. She is beautiful and I am so happy! Things with WH are status quo and I'm focusing on the good things in my life. Right now I am very happy with the way things are going. WH is helping out with the baby a lot and I'm taking advantage of the help while I still have it. I feel like things are falling into place and the confrontation will happen when the time is right for me.

I've been thinking about you and so happy to hear your baby girl is here. Glad you are so happy and I know you are working to pull things together when you can.

Keep us posted!

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WOOOHOOO to the lil princess. Take care of her mama for us. laugh


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DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
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Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
Scotland #2439519 11/01/10 05:02 PM
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Congratulations Anne! I hope everything works out for the best.
Please enjoy your time with the baby.

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