Again, thanks to all for your suggestions about thelling his wife...

I will seriously think about it and hopefully, collect enough courage to do it...

The only problem is that I don't have much evidence apart from the telephone bill and some msgs...
I've deleted all the e-mails as they come because i didn't want them to be seen by anyone accidentaly
But I guess 20 text msgs a day would be enough for her to believe me...there are some long calls, too...

The courage will only be found in the DOING IT. Until then you'll only search for reasons NOT TO.

Nobody ever regrets doing the right thing....I/we promise.


You will not only be revealing to his wife what you've done but, likely, putting her on the path of discovery of what he's done with several or even numerous other woman at his "apartments".

Whether she believes you is not really your problem and not a justification for withholding your apology from her. You worry about your side of the street...atoning for what you HAVE done, thus far and promising to stay away forever thereafter. In my opinion, she'll believe you...she's likely had a gut feeling for quite some time.

Mr. Wondering

Anita, gather up as much evidence as you have and just fill in the gaps. This man is a loose cannon and you have the power in your hands to stop him. Stopping him helps you, him, and your employer. He is danger to all of you in this way:

1. to himself. He risks his career, reputation and marriage by being so stupid [people who have workplace affairs are a special kind of stupid]

2. his wife and family. an affair would be the worst thing that could happen to her and her children

3. his employer. he is a walking legal liability that places them in legal harm by trolling the employee pool for fun.

4. to YOU. He wants to turn you into the pariah called: THE OW. How would you ever explain an affair with a married man to a potential suitor? Do you think a decent man would marry you with that past? HELL NO! An affair with a married man would taint you for life.

Now, this man will probably continue to pursue you or some other coworker and succeed in ruining his marriage, his career and the reputation of the next coworker he pursues. But you have the power in your hand to stop all that by bringing it out into the open. He can't very well continue on this path unless someone keeps his dirty secrets. So, sure he would be mad that you exposed him, but when he wakes up some day, he will be grateful that you tried to put a stop to his destructive behavior.

Courage is a CHOICE.

There is no easy way out of this,is there?
It's amazing how much trouble one can get into in only one month!!!

To MelodyLane:
There are not much gaps to be filled in, I guess... only the e-mails at work...I do have the text msgs and calls...for the whole month of us contacting...

Yep, its like ripping off a bandaid Anita. You just have to do it. Thinking about it only makes you less likely to do what needs to be done.

Anita I know you are scared but you are making the best decision not only for you but also with the BW.

Gather all of the evidence of the emotional affair, with out it he will be able to tell all sorts of lies to his BW. That is not what you want, you want to make sure that she has everything that you have and show her. This is what I would do....

Get her phone number (call her when you know she is at home and her husband is not)
Get your email ready with all the documents ready to send
Email all the evidence
Then right after you send her the email call her and say...

"HI my name is Anita, you don't know me but I know your husband, the last month or so he has been advancing on me and telling me that he loves me and trying to sleep with me, I do apologize because I also encouraged it, I'd like to stop it now and make things right and by doing so I thought you would like to know what your husband has been doing for the last month. I just sent you and email of some of our emails, texts, and how much he has called me. Again I am soo sorry."

She will be in shock, so don't say another word and just say goodbye, she will look at the evidence and decide what would be best for her.

Send her a link to this website.

Then Block his number/FB/email/etc..

Call HR

Then you my lady will be..

ALL DONE!!

A very good article...thanks

Thank you, this is helpful.

It helps how you've put it in terms of planning.
Also, I am not sure I can get a hold of her home number or e-mail, but I have an idea where to get it and I hope it will work.

One more question-

Last time I spoke to him was on Friday evening. He called me on my mobile phone and pushed for a 3rd day ina row to come and see me ''just for dinner'' to talk issues through...I told him it was late and inappropriate and agreed to discuss his issues over lunch on Saturday if need be (of course, now I know that was DA*N STUPID)
He said he would not be able to come donw to my town for another 10 days because his brother was due to get married in 10 days' time and he needed to pick his wife up from a neighbouring town. She was staying with her parents for a week because she had broken her leg.
I know that this is a good time to catch her home on sick leave and tell her, but is it a good time with her medical condition and his brother's wedding approaching?
Should I wait for it to pass and then call her? I alos know it's her b-day on 9th October, so....

You'll probably all say NOT to wait. Delaying is worse, right?

I would call her now because she is off work and has others taking care of her.

Anita,
I'd go ahead and contact her as soon as possible. Waiting doesn't really serve any purpose.

Also, this may go counter to some advice here, but I do not think it is your responsibility to *fix* their marriage. Thats too much to take on and really not your place. All you can do is contact his wife once and state your case. It is not your responsibility to make her believe you. Just tell her what happened, offer to send her what evidence you have and let her decide. If she wants to stick her head in the sand, thats up to her. I think at that point, you will have fulfilled your obligation to her (an obligation not borne out of her husbands attempt at cheating, but out of your involvement in that attempts. You owe her so to speak) and her husband will know that you contacted her.

His attempts to seduce you at that point should come to a screeching halt. If he contacts you again, forward it to his wife and cc him on it so he knows you will offer him no confidentiality.

And when you contact her, tell her what he has told you, not just what he has sent you via text. It will give lots of credibility to your claim if you can tell her you know she is recuperating from a broken leg and that he wants to come meet you before the brother's wedding. And that he has asked you to stay with him at one of his condos.

I would also tell her that you know her brother is getting married, that he has to pick her up - because she is at her parents' house, broke her leg....
because he wanted to meet with you and COULDN'T

because he had to pick her up..............


this will offer her some proof that he is calling you and wanting to meet with you.


Tell her that you know these details only because he will not leave you alone. Tell her that you know you should never have even considered this mess - that you regret it entirely - and now are trying to help her get things back on track with him.

Tell her to come to this website, because she has a chance to figure this out


Tell her that we stopped you

Tell her that this place is safe for her.


Whether or not she believes you now, she will look here out of curiosity.

Repeat Marriage Builders as many times as you can------

Be a broken record - help her that way. You cannot interfere, but you can plant the seed for her to find us.

SB

You collect rare coins and postage stamps, Anita. Courage is born of action.

I suspect you may be afraid of OMs reaction after you expose his disgusting ways to his poor wife. Here's what you do, ready?
First, block every contact avenue he has to you. The chance is good that his wife will have pinned back his ears and neutered him to the point where the last thing he would want to do is talk to you. (Especially knowing that you will probably call his wife and tell her he did so.)Block your contacts anyway.

In the unlikely event that he does contact you, all a-twitter ("How could you have done this to me!? How could you have done this to my wife!?") calmly respond "Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't think you would mind, since your marriage was so bad. I thought you would want her to know." END OF DISCUSSION. Leave your office, hang up your phone, etc.

Then call his wife and tell her that he's contacted you again.

One more thing: when you talk to his wife, don't succumb to the temptation to do so anonymously. OM will be able to talk her into believing that some competitor put someone up to it in order to create hassles for him, or any other such lame excuse (that some wives have a tendency to buy because they're loyal to their hound-dog husbands, poor things.) Give her your name and a way to reach you in case she has questions she thinks of after you talk to her.

I agree the sooner the better

Like tonight if you can!

OK, point taken...

I did not mention that English is not my first language, that's why I sometimes use words such as ''collect'' ...I translate them literally from my own language & it just sounds silly.

Also, I did not mention that I come from the Balkans, where forums such as this one are quite a ''taboo''.
I have lived abroad and I work for an international organization, which is why I am more open to this kind of help, i.e. forums. And now I am glad I did!
I will mention it to his wife after I find out if she speaks English.

I just went through my phone for evidence and saw the text msgs we exchanged.I was overwhelmed and competely taken by anger!!!
I can see from my mood swings that one moment I am angry at him for dissrespecting me and texting me & the next day I'd be replying to him saying ''miss you'' and similar bul***t...
ARGHHHHHHH, what was I thinking....

Anyway, it would be easy for her to check if what I was saying was true. She can check when I was last in his office for visit & see my bill. Seriously, there is 20 msgs a day from him and calls after midnight when both him and I would be out, but in separate towns.

I now see that not only he drained all my emotion and energy, but he also drained my wallet! Almost 2/3 of my bill is spent on him...

OK, what's done is done.

Thank you all again, you've helped me a lot!

hahaha, this is the first time I have a smile on my face today... thanks...but tonight i don't have her number hahah...

Anita,

Do not pat yourself on the back until you tell his wife and end all your work contact with him. Until then, the affair is not dead. Even if you do continue to resist him, you risk going forward in a moment of weakness. The biggest reason for telling his wife is so that he and you can't secretly continue your emotional affair. His wife will be watching him. Even if she didn't believe you (I'm sure she would after looking at the phone bill, people aren't stupid), she would keep an eye on him going forward. Then the OM would start looking for someone else that wouldn't cause him so much trouble (i.e. not tell his wife). It doesn't matter what you did before with the affectionate emails. It matters what you do going forward. I promise you, tell his wife, and he'll finally leave you alone. Plus, you'll give his wife a heads up so she can take steps to save her marriage and protect it from an affair going forward. Her husband will continue to look to cheat on her until he gets caught. Read some of the stories on here. There is one BW that was given HIV by her WH. Don't let that be your OM's BW. If you were married and your husband was trying to hook up with other women, I'm sure you would want to know.

OK...
Not only that i would like to know, but I would be devastated if it happened to me

The more men I meet, the more disappointed I get. I've had unavailable men hitting on me before. Sometimes, I would find out that they are unavailable (with a girlfriend, a fiancee...and in this case-even a wife) 15 mintes into a chat in a bar. Of course, nothing close to this ever happened to me,nor I believed it could happen because I had always stopped talking to them immediately...and they would see they had no chance and stop, too...

...Anyway, I was proven that it can happen to anyone if they are not careful and if they play with fire...I just can't stop wondering:

Are there men out there that are actually faithfull????

This amount of people struggling with affairs & the personal stories of infidelity of people I know scare me!
It's almost a rule that men go after other women once they are married.Please tell me I am wrong!

I still believe I'll get married one day and have a faithful husband and a healthy marriage

People can be faithful, but you need to find a man that agrees to proper marital boundaries. That means if you are dating a man and he has a lot of female friends, you need to tell him that if you enter into a serious relationship with him, those friendships need to stop. If he continues those friendships or keeps secrets from you, then you don't marry the guy. If you marry a guy, you need to make it clear up front what you expect out of him, and both of you need to live transparent lives so that sneaking around would be easily caught. Fear of getting caught is the biggest deterrent, so you need to live your lives so that it would be difficult to cheat if you tried.

Anita, of course you need to tell his wife. I think, not to overwhelm you, you should also tell your HR dept. They need to know reasons why you may turn down trips, or why you won't take his phone calls and they may even wonder why you would block his email. It is something that you can get out front so he can't try to get back at you by saying that you called his wife and lied and try to get you fired.

It is good that you feel guilty about what you allowed yourself to get into, it is your responsibility to fix yourself and tell his wife. That's it. And now that you know about MB, you will be able to have the kind of relationships that are better than anything you could ever have imagined before.