She is not going to realise what she is missing until she can't have you. I was a FWW and when my H went dark on me and I could have no contact I nearly went insane! Make sure you spend some time treating yourself whilst you go dark, word will get out that you are managing to enjoy yourself too and that will drive her crazy that you can manage without her.

Good luck and be strong.

Have you told your children the real reasons why you are separated? Do they know your wife is having an affair? if your children know the truth they will resent the OM for breaking up their family.

Yes my son knows and he also knows she was with OM and his son last night. He told me because of that I should try to get more custody of him.

You�re in a very tough situation, but things can be managed. Get this through your head:

You don�t need to communicate with her in any way unless there is blood or someone is going to die soon. Other than that, you can figure out everyday parenting issues on your own.

Until you guys can be amicable (give it about a year or two) you should only communicate via email and it should only be logistical things such as, �I scheduled the kids dental appointment for x time on x day. If you have an issue with it let me know and I�ll reschedule.�

Do it on your days and take charge of their care.

There is otherwise NO reason to communicate with her.

This isn�t as hard as you think. Seriously. The court system understands the conflict that exists. I�m giving you the standard given to me by our court ordered parenting coordinator who told us that there was to be no communication unless someone was about to die. There is also to be no deviation from the court mandated schedule for the forseeable future.

This is to reduce conflict.

Now, if you have 50/50, don�t risk court. Put in a motion that the paramour (the OM) is not permitted around your children and that your own son has requested this. Request a BIA (best interest attorney) assigned to your children. This lawyer would represent your children and would take your children�s desires into account in making arguments before the court.

It�s a little expensive, but pays off in the long term.

But understand that she can flail and threaten with legal action but you can�t be held at fault if you don�t communicate with her unless it is truly urgent (bleeding or death standard) and you stick to the letter of the law on the parenting schedule.

Do you have a lawyer? They�ll back up all I�m saying.

Yes I do have a lawyer and he has been worth every penny so far. Not very common for the man in the state of PA to get 50/50 custody and not have to pay zero support. The hard thing is she is accusing me of feeling my sons head with things about her. I have not nor do i need to...my son is a bright kid. He knows what is going on and I wont lie to him when asked.

I have found a wonderful exposure tool.....FACEBOOK.
Amazing how fast and the amount of exposure you get by spending 30 seconds typing. She closed her account since I posted on hers and mine. Have recieved messages from people who are not even on my freinds list and word is spreading fast. Wish I was more thorough with exposure in June.

I now have firmly entrenched in my mind to follow a dark plan B.

Wish me luck.

Nice work, dcn.

Just thought I would give an update since my last post.

Went to pre-trial hearing yesterday, my wife was attempting to have the custody ruling overturned and changed to her favor. This is/was about money since she lost domestics and I pay her no spousal or child support. We have shared custody. Prior to yesterday our contact has been very limited and has been very hateful when I have seen her. I believe this had to do with my exposure methods.

Anyway the judge pretty much forced her to drop the custody exception. He did ask me, even though this is a free country, that I refrain posting anything on facebook about her which I agreed to. She also had to agree to have no men sleepover the house while kids are there. Along with someother requirements proving her mental stability. I am awaiting these before I decide if I want to go for primary custody.

The judge suggested that all contact be through email concerning the kids. I recieved 4 emails last nite from her. She also stopped at my apartment to drop of sons PS3....I did not know she was doing this.

I am at the point where I am not sure that I want to even try to save things anymore. She looked absolutely miserable last night and I know she is in a tough situation...the house is about to go into foreclosure. I am truly torn between trying to save things or move on. IF I decide to attempt to save things I was thinking about possibly moving back to a plan A which I believe I can do better at now that my place in my children's lives is secured. Had lots of problems with plan A last time since we were constantly going to court for the kids, the house, and my hard earned money. Hard to be nice to someone who is trying to take away everything that you hold dear.

I love my children....I believe they are better off in an intact family....I hate the thought of divorce and the fact that it is so accepted in our society. The question is....move on? Stay dark? Or try a plan A now that the court battles are over for now? She has yet to move forward with the divorce....the 90 day waiting period has been over for two weeks. She felt it neccasary to mention to me that she has been very sick.....she was having medical issues before all this started...I know very little about them except that my son told me she has been going to hospital alot for tests and that she may need surgery.

If I want to move on....it is time for peace between us for the sake of the children....hence plan A for the children and maybe a chance. Not sure if I love her the way I did...but I know that love can be rebuilt.

Also I am very wary if she does start coming around that her motives would be selfish, she has lost in her attempt to keep the kids, keep the house and get my money so she can pay for the house. How would I know the difference?

Right now is the time to hit with Plan B. DO NOT respond to her pity party attempts at attention. If she wants out of your life, then her medical problems are no longer your concern. Give her EXACTLY what she wants as far as having you out of her life goes.

In other words, don�t respond to the majority of her emails about the kids. Most of the ones separated moms send are superfluous and tend to be simply a method to stay engaged with you.

Cut off the contact.

Send a plan B letter telling her that you will not communicate with her unless it is an important matter dealing with the children and only via email unless it is a genuine emergency and someone is about to die.

Other than that, you won�t talk to her.

Let her know you�d still like to restore your marriage, but there has to be full termination of communications with OM for life. She has to agree to work on the marriage and must agree to fully open up in terms of her email, phone, etc.

Otherwise she can fend for herself. You will treat her like your wife when she starts acting like your wife. Her medical problems aren�t your concern and neither are her financial woes.

She wanted to be single. Well, she can�t have it both ways. Time to be strong, not to be weak.

I agree with Help,
This should be your plan, it is unacceptable to be in a relationship with the OM, this seems to be her choice so you have to be out and let her live that decision she has chosen, good, bad and ugly..........
Go on with her life, let her see you do this.....let her have regrets, enjoy your children and life.......
Let her see what kind of man she is really giving up, and the strength you have now...........be a great Dad, the kids are the most important now. Focus on that and helping them through this transition..........((hugs))

Is the affair ongoing? What are the living arrangements? Is the house in your name or hers or both? Is she working?

What was the nature of her four emails?

Seriously, unless there is blood and someone about to die, there is no need to communicate or respond. Basic stuff, like colds, can be handled by you. You may send emails like:

�Just letting you know that DS is sick with a cold.�

Done. End of message. No more needs to be said. If you drop them off somewhere, then you might add that you gave them medicine at X time so she knows when to give the next dose.

Otherwise do nothing regarding her attempts at getting attention about medical stuff. If she wants to be single, then that�s for her to deal with. It is no longer your concern.

It�s the tough reality she�s asking for, but that�s what she wants.

I am not sure if the affair is ongoing....not even sure that I care. spoke to OM three weeks ago.....after I blew her up on facebook I am quite sure that if she would be seen in public so much as speaking to this man that the whole town would be talking. I have never had so many friend requests since I blew her affair open....now doubt it is the talk of the community.

I have my own apartment now. The house is in both of our names and I need to protect my interests.....I just emailed my attorney concerning this. She is still working as a teacher. She just can't afford the house on her income only. This is her first year full-time. She now makes damn near double what she did....hence why I pay no support and why she attempted to get more custody...ie needed the money.

I shall stay as dark as possible. My DD has open house tonite. Which I assume she will be there. My DS has open house tomorrow in the building that she teaches in. I will have to pick him up from her room because she will need to stay there.

Question

My son tells me that he he not allowed to contact his mother this weekend as she is getting surgery and will be staying with aunt. A..don't know if she is BS'ing my son
B..as the father of her children you would think that she would mention to me that she was having surgery.

Am I right or wrong with these assumptions?

DCN, man you're in a tough spot. Marriage Builders SOP advice as you've been given is to go dark and stay dark. That being said, you're going through a divorce and right now have 50/50 custody. DO NOT DO ANYTHING TO MESS THAT UP. MY personal experience with 50/50 custody is that it requires more "Co-Parenting" than other standard arrangements. Thus if you begin ignoring her or whatever she may be able to play that sympathy card in court. Make sure you get and follow advice from your atty.

Agreed....We actually are being required by the court to attend co-parenting class' together. Ugh....not to mention all of the extracurricular activities with the kids. Damn near impossible to go dark. Indifferent is more of the approach I have been forced to take. Fought to damn hard to get 50/50 custody to do anything to lose it. May still have to go for primary custody if she fails to comply with some court ordered steps she needs to take to prove mental stability. Hardest part is being dark/indifferent with someone you still care deeply about. Especially when you see her and you note that she looks sick and emotionally drained. On the other hand.....she chose this path not me. Very conflicting.

Sounds like you're on the right path, even if that path doesn't neccessarily go in the direction you desire. I know around here, 50/50 is all but impossible to get and if by chance you do get it, if there is so much as 1 desagreement that brings the case back to court some of the Judges will throw out the 50/50. So good on you. Keep your focus on the prize and that's, sadly may no longer be an intact family but raising good healthy kids.

Anywho, don't know if it apply's to you or not but I can tell you that in my case, after all the dust settled I found that my real heart break was over an allusion rather than the reality of my marriage.

Anywho, keep on keeping on.......

Check with your attorney, but you should have right of first refusal, meaning that if she can�t watch the kids for an overnight that you be given the right to have them first before any other family member.

BUT�.

You have to learn to pick your battles. Your son will be taken care of and it will be by a family member.

You don�t need to know about her medical stuff unless she can�t care for the kids in the long term. An overnight is not long term. Let it go but keep tabs on it.

To answer your question:

No, you don�t need to know about her surgery or hospital visits unless it is going to have a long term effect on your custody arrangement.

You may be at a point down the road when she will offer the kids to you for a night like this.

For now, no need to contact. Stay dark. Take comfort that your son is with family. Let it be.

Well still in plan B. My wife is determined to hang on to the house even though it is now in foreclosure. Question, I have heard from mutual freinds/relatives that she completely hates me right now. I am assuming this has do to with things not turning out the way she thought with custody and support. Will she ever get over this resentment, anger, and hate? Even if the marriage is not saved I hope to do the best for the kids which means us at least tolerating each other. Or is this a part of the fog? If so how long for her to come out of it? This is really hurting my kids. Its only going to get worse with her as I will not give an inch and my lawyer is filing a motion next week to have her removed from the house since she is 3 months behind on mortgage and have me move back in.

You need to shore up your Plan B and telling people that you don't want to hear ANYTHING about your WW, EVER. Explain that this is what is best for you. None of these questions need to be answered because you are in Plan B and you should be focusing on YOURSELF and YOUR recovery.

Yes, it does get better and you eventually don't care what kind of a tizzy she's having. Really, you could care less.

But that's waaaaay down the road. Right now you shouldn't be hearing about her.

She's going to hate you because you've destroyed her fantasy divorce where you guys split and everything is rainbows and butterflies where you and her OM and the kids frolic about in fields and get along splendidly.

Uh....sorry.

Took a while for my ex to come to the understanding that that is not how it works.

Will she not hate you someday? Probably. Right around the time when you don't give a rat's a$$ and are more interested in the mating habits of stink bugs than what she's doing and what she's feeling.

You can't control what she does and you can't control how your kids feel about it. All you can do is be strong for them.

Love the way you described the fantasy divorce. I believe that to be exactly the case. In the mean while I will keep doing what I am doing and I am not gonna give in to so much as an unmatched sock through this process. I am gonna fight for every inch. I do find it interesting that she is yet to move forward withthe divorce process.