Hi all,

I'm new here. Two weeks will mark my 14th anniversary. We've been together 17.5 years. My husband wants out of our marriage and won't consider marriage counseling or trying to reconnect. I learned this last week.

Right now, I have two small children (3 & 5), no family, no job and now I'm in a new State. We sold our home and bought a new one here last month. We aren't even done unpacking before he blind-sided me with this. He says there is no one else and I do not have any concrete proof of an affair either. But, it doesn't make sense that he wrote me so many "love notes" and emails while he was here and I was back there with the kids waiting for our house to sell, just to dump me once we all were reunited.

He wants to make a long-term plan so we can divorce and co-parent the children. This would consist of me going back to school to get myself back in the workplace. I have a Bachelor's degree but have not worked in 7 years. I also have some health problems that were in a "holding pattern" because I could not find a doctor that was willing to help me find the problem. I have found a new one here and have been working on getting my health back in order.

I don't have any family and they aren't interested in the kids. I just moved here in May and moved to the house in August so I don't really know anyone here either. I have had a whirlwind of emotions. Today, I feel resigned that it's hopeless. One part of me wants to stay married WITH improvements and another part of me wants to be as far away from him and here as physically possible. I just can't believe he can make up in his mind that "it's over" and smile and fake the last 14 months that we worked to make this transition happen for him. I know people say it all the time, but once I make it to the other side of this, I am NEVER dating or getting married again. Nobody will be able to break my heart ever again.

Thanks for listening,
Justme200

JM2010

Your H's behavior is very suspicious of an affair. If you wantto save your marriage you've come to the right place. There are very experienced and knowledeable folks on both sides of an affair that can help you out with what to do. Take the time to read all you can on this site and ask the mods to have your thread moved to the surviving an affair board. I know it may not be what you want to hear but seriously I think there is a very stong possibility thet your H has developed at the very least an emotional affair with another woman (OW).

Sorry you are here.
Prayers to you and your family.LS4

Hi,

Thank you for the response. I do not believe it will survive if he's having an affair. For one, that's one of the things I've experienced in previous relationships (dating, not marriage) and I was unable to forgive that action.

Further, if he is already detached from me and does not want to try, a divorce will be forced on me whether I like it or not. He won't talk to me other than to tell me that he's been miserable since the beginning and nothing will help. I bought the book (for me) and CD version for him. He said he listened to it, but we've never worked any of the steps.

He is the type of person that never wants to address anything. He ignores everything until it is impossible to ignore. The point being that if I were to discover he's cheating or if he were to admit that, it would only cause him to be more hateful toward me instead of recognizing how he's pulled away from the marriage. He does not take responsibility for any of this and blames me for all of it. Last night he said he would talk to me if I didn't yell or swear (which I haven't done in a few years). During the conversation he started yelling and swearing at me and when I asked him to stop, he blamed me for "making him mad." No matter what...it's all my fault.

Anyway, I think I'm going to be facing a divorce, so I need to figure out a plan.

Thanks,
jm2010

Hi JM, it is very likely that your H is having an affair. That does not mean that your marriage has to end unless you decide you want to walk away. If you decide you want to save it, we can help you with a strategy. While there are no guarantees, we have helped many people save their marriages from divorce.

While only you can decide if you are willing to try to forgive him, I can tell you that folks who recover and rebuild their marriages using these principles rarely have an issue with lingering resentment.

Sorry you are here.

Hi MelodyLane,

Thanks for the response. I would like to save my marriage because I believe we can restore it. We have never actively "worked" on our relationship. He thinks we have just because we've stayed together, but he openly resented the last marriage counselor, wouldn't do the assignments she gave or outright lied about how things really were.

I honestly thought we spent the last 14 months with our belongings in storage, living apart for six months (he had to leave early for his new job), lived in temporary housing for three months and spent every week searching for the right house and neighborhood to bring up our children FOR OUR FAMILY. We both have been so busy making this transition, that we haven't even had time to argue. He would bring lunch home sometimes because he was close enough to do so during the day. We watched movies at night. We laughed more. I'm not saying it was perfect, but it was the beginning of something better for us.

I would like to save it, if that's possible. But, he won't talk about reconciliation. He won't consider counseling. He went with his first wife and it didn't work so he thinks it's pointless. He says he's been miserable for the last ten years. Interestingly, when I was ready to throw in the towel (after giving birth and extreme exhaustion) he asked me not to. Now, I don't deserve the same reprieve. He is passive-aggressive and does not do anything he doesn't want to do. He will smile and say all the right things to project the perfect public persona and be something completely different inside.

I have the book, but it's packed away in the hundreds of boxes yet to be unpacked. I was SO exhausted before this happened and this is the final straw. I haven't eaten in four days. I'm drinking water and taking vitamins to sustain myself, but it rarely even stays down. I'm here, no friends, I don't know my way around, I'm scared and I need guidance. I'm feeling sick again. I'm going to get the kids ready for bed and lie down.

Thank you and congratulations on your successful recovery of 9 years.

justme, all of the things you say make me think he is having an affair. He probably met someone while you were living apart. [bad for marriage!]

The reason he wants the divorce is because of his affair. The solution is to kill the affair. Once the affair is killed, he will be motivated to come back to your marriage. Counseling would be a waste of time if he is having an affair, so don't worry about that.

And don't worry about the fact that he won't talk about reconcilation. That can change over night if you dig out an affair and bring it to light. There is alot you can do to save your marriage even though he says TODAY he is done.

If you want to try and save this, I would NOT ASK him if he is having an affair,, but hire a PI or quietly sleuth to see who she is. Then come back here and we will give you next steps.

I would click on notify and ask the mods to move this thread to Surviving an Affair. This is far from hopeless!

JM- your story sounds so much like mine (and soooo many others on here). The behaviors of a cheating spouse are pretty much all the same.

Look around on here and read as much as you can. Snoop at home (phone is the number one place to look, computer the second place) and find out who your husband has been with while you were separated, as it's almost certain there's somebody.

I'm so sorry you are going through this and I'm especially sorry you are so alone in it all. However, you have come to a GREAT place for advice and support....and have the best possible chance at saving your marriage if you follow the MB principles.

Also, you might want to have your thread moved to the SAA forum.

Hi again,

I notified the Moderators and asked to move the thread.

I think the part that is so confusing is his behavior prior to me moving across the country. Starting with the idea that he's having an affair, I think it happened AFTER I moved here (versus before).

For example...

* Why mention wanting me and the kids to leave the house empty and be reunited? (We ended up getting an offer very soon after we starting making plans to leave).

* We were living in an apartment for a few months while we searched out neighborhoods. Why bother buying another house with me? He could have just walked out before we signed another thirty year mortgage together.

Further, I've read some about exposing the affair and I'm not sure any of it will "help" in the sense that none of the people I could expose it to would necessarily care that he is doing that.

* His family does not like me (and never has). This is the MAIN reason we've argued over the years. I did not want him to reject his family, but I was upset that he overlooked how they treated me.

* His friends/co-workers and former co-workers are more likely to cover for him and have no sense of allegiance to me.

* We do not belong to any type of religious group, so there is no "moral barometer" in his face constantly.

* We do not know anyone here (we just moved here from the apartment in August) so nobody here would have an alliance with either of us. I would not even feel comfortable exposing this in our new neighborhood because I don't even know most of our neighbors or whom to trust.

I guess I sound stupid to anyone reading these posts. I just don't "get" why we went through the time and expense of this cross-country move.

And, if he's been miserable for 10+ years, as he claims, why did he NOT want to get separate back when I was telling him that I was tired and couldn't endure the relationship anymore?

I'm so confused.

Its real easy to understand WHY. A wayward spouse wants both the lover and the spouse. He wants his needs met in both places so he hangs onto both for as long as he can. A male will typically only ask for divorce when his cheating partner demands it.

That is IF your husband is having an affair. I strongly suspect he is.

And don't discount exposure. It doesn't matter if his family supports your marriage or not, exposure will ruin the fantasy. Affairs thrive on secrecy so exposing it will ruin the fantasy aspect. And we don't expose to neighbors, so I am not sure where you got that idea.

The first step is hire a PI and find out who she is and everything about her. Then come back here and we can help you.

I would also pick up the book Surviving an Affair and read it as fast as you can.

Because it's a lie. He has not been miserable for 10 years. He is rewriting history because he has a new point of comparison. It is also a way of justifying his actions to himself.

Justme - I'm sorry you're here. It DOES sound like there is an affair going on. Trust Melody - she's got the nose for this stuff.

If your husband is cheating then he isn't thinking straight. He is in, what we call, the Fog. He's twisted his thinking up to justify the adultery.

That's why he is so confusing. That's why things aren't making sense. You're still seeing things as they are - he isn't. It is impossible to talk reasonably with a wayward. They'll drive you mad.

Look into hiring a PI to get the details of the affair.

Here's your hug justme

((((justme)))))

Thank you ML and Vibrissa,

I have been checking the phone records and credit card bills. I do not see anything out of the ordinary. He has a company issued cell phone too and I can't see those records. I can't afford to hire a PI right now, either. We just spent so much money to move across the country and get our family resettled for his new job.

He is already emotionally gone. Last week he said he loved me. This week he says he doesn't and marriage counseling would be a waste of time. Given his history of hiding behind his "reality" of things (he denied we had a problem when I pleaded with him to look at our marriage after the baby was born and I was beyond exhausted) confronting him with evidence of an affair will only make him angry. I have no means of support and he suggested staying long enough for me to get employable again and get my health together. He is likely to take that away if I upset him. He knows I can't go to my family (they told him that I was worthless back when he talked about loving me and wanting to marry me).

I know nobody can know what's in another person's head, but if he's cheating, even since moving here, he had to have met her last October or later. Wouldn't a year be "too soon" to push for a divorce? Does that seem fast to anybody? Why wouldn't that kind of demand be enough to break the Fog?

Thanks,
justme

The kids and I would make treats for him and I would send him photos of them. He sent this email after receiving one of our packages. Less than a month later he wanted me to leave the house empty and reunite the family right away.
-----------------------------------
Hey <justme>,

You are sooo awesome. You are very sweet. I really love you a lot. The card was very nice. It makes the separation easier to deal with.

I know you are working incredibly hard, and I wish I could be there to help with everything, I don't know how you keep the strength. I've got to get you and the kids out of there ASAP. The weather is warming up here, and I don't want to miss any outdoor fun time. As soon as you get here, I am sending you on a one week spa retreat to get all your muscles relaxed.

You are the uber-female.
Love <justme's husband>
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If he was having an affair during the separation, then why rush to bring me and the children to where he was? Why send these kind of emails? Why call everyday? I know these are silly questions. I know it doesn't have to make sense. It just hurts so badly right now.

Does he use a computer? If he does, I would slap a keylogger on it. Go get eblaster at spectorpro.com. Get a voice activated recorder and stick it in his car. Can you grab his cell phone after he goes to sleep and look at his texts and phone calls?


It seems a little slow, frankly. It can often happen sooner.

justme, I would go check out the spying 102 thread and get to work here! If you want to turn this around, you are going to have to uncover the facts! here


Yes, of course it will. But the goal here is to save your marriage, not to avoid making him angry at all costs. The latter won't save your marriage. Conflict avoidance will avail you nothing other than a destroyed marriage.

Now, do you want to save this marriage or not?

I think I want to save it. Right now, I do not have any hope. I am so tired and exhausted. This was supposed to be our "new beginning." New location away from my dysfunctional family, a less stressful job for him, a family-friendly neighborhood, etc.

I will go check out the spying information. Somehow, my computer "died" a few weeks ago so I'm using his. I don't know if that was for him to get my hard drive or for him to log what I'm doing on the computer. I won't have access to his work computer or emails. I'm guessing the other person is connected there somehow because he is always "stronger in his resolve it's over" after coming home from work.

Thanks.

Well you don't have any hope because you have not seen other marriages - worse than this - come back from the dead! I have!



I do think it is someone from work too. You need to figure this out. I know a PI is pricey, but he could very well save your marriage. You wouldn't need him that long, probably a couple of days. It could mean the difference between saving your marriage or not.

Because he is getting his needs met by both of you, first of all. And No. 2: there is a certain 'high' that waywards get when they are entering into the addiction of an A. The whole world was probably an "uber-world" to him at that point. The air probably never smelled cleaner, the traffic flowed perfectly, all was right with the world.

He is rewriting history and justifying anything he can in order to have this A. And it most certainly is an A. I'm sorry.

The speed with which he is acting is typical. Waywards want to clean up their marital status, chop chop. Because they know it's awkward, at best, to be married and be carrying on with another person. They think it's the 'right thing' to do. Go figure. That's why it's called the Fog.

JM, you're not going to make sense of any of this, so don't try to. You'll just make yourself crazy. You need to get to work, finding out who OW is. In your sitch, your best bang for the buck may well be to hire a PI. They can get the goods fairly quickly, and it's a heck of a lot cheaper than a divorce.

I'd get a VAR and hide it in his car. Don't get the cheapest one - there's a reason it's so cheap. I spent about $50 for mine, and the reception is very good. Get it and we'll help you hide it. Keyloggers are a betrayed spouse's best friend, as well.

justme, I would go to Radio shack and get a VAR to put in his car. Additionally, you can put a GPS on his car to see where he is going.

Have you been up to his office? Can you go there? When a WS is having a workplace affair, the WS and the other employees are VERY UNEASY around the BS. If the OW is there, she will about die from shock if you show up with the kids.

Can you go up there and have a look see? And bring your little ones!!

Another thing you can do is stake out his car in the parking lot around lunch and see who he comes out with. I betcha he is having lunch with her if it is a workplace affair.

You know, JM, I think it would be so sweet and kind of you to take the kids at lunchtime, and waltz in there with a picnic lunch as a surprise for your H. Surely he'll want to introduce you to his new co-workers, yes? Pay particular attention to the behavior of the women he introduces you to.

Justme, sorry you are here but it is a good place.

First you need to stop asking about marriage counseling and why why why...you are just giving him more reasons in his own fog mind to run as fast as he can.

My XH had a company phone and I "borrowed" it one night and registered it on line. They sent a password to his phone which I wrote down and deleted and then was able to look at all his business phone calls which showed hundreds of calls to his direct report.

These affairs can start quickly and put them in the fog. My XH was only in the affair over a month and I got the "I love you but don't love you" speech. He became an alien overnight.

We had too moved cross country and were here less than 2 years. We were actually looking at different houses to buy up to 3 weeks before the A began. It was that quick.

Stop trying to get into his head. It will make no sense. You are trying to deal with your husband, the man who wrote that message, he is no longer there while he is in the fog. It is difficult to understand.

Make a plan...Read about Plan A. Good luck