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On one hand, I'm impressed that WFLOWER and her husband have made a pact not to interact with members of this board OFF of the board. (This is on the "WFLOWER EMAIL ME" thread) On the other hand, I question why it's a problem to email a FEMALE member of the board.

WFLOWER mentioned that she would be upset if her husband had contacted a member of the board, but what if it was a MALE board member? I guess I'm going on the assumption that contacting people off board is risky behaviour if it's a member of the opposite sex.

I guess my question is---how many of you have made such a pact and does it extend to ALL board members or just members of the opposite sex?

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Can't speak for others, but I see no problem with contacting others off the board. That is just my perspective. My wife has no problem either. I have contacted both male and female members, but only to discuss issues that were not related directly to the MB principles.

If someone sets a boundry, I have much respect for them when they will not cross that boundry.

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I guess boundaries are relative....I know people that would flip if they knew their spouse was even posting on a board like this---whether it was to try and help the marriage or not....

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Crossing that line when your feeling vulnerable is pretty risky, agreement or not. ANything you need to say should be able to be said in this fairly anonymous public forum... Why go off board with a member of the opposite sex??

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SheWill....

I'm definitely not disagreeing with you! I see no need to go off board at all, although I've spoken to a couple of the ladies here on occasion.

WFLOWER in particular has made a pact not to speak to anyone---not even a female....I was just curious how interacting with a female might become a problem in a relationship.

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quote:
Originally posted by *^aeri^*:
SheWill....

I'm definitely not disagreeing with you! I see no need to go off board at all, although I've spoken to a couple of the ladies here on occasion.

WFLOWER in particular has made a pact not to speak to anyone---not even a female....I was just curious how interacting with a female might become a problem in a relationship.

I'd like to respond here, first post - may as well be a good one.

I am amazed that this is another personal affront to Aeri. Is it anyone's business but WFLOWER's? Having been at this site in the background for several months, I see that as long as she is in control, everything's fine through her rosey glasses. If anyone has a genuine question, no matter how well it's asked of her, it's a personal attack. What gives? and who cares?

As for the topic of this thread -
Going off-line to speak with anyone privately is something that I would think twice about, and would expect that my spouse wouldn't find it very honorable either.

Aeri - how would one really know that you're not a man???

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Whoa....for a first post, that's rather antagonistic, don't you think?

She posted this on the MB site---am I supposed to assume that it's personal and private information that I can't comment on? This question relates DIRECTLY to Marriage Builders! It's more on topic than 50% of the posts here!

Give me a break....just another example of why I've cut my time on this board....

Edited to say:

If I was really a man, what difference would it make? After all, I DON'T talk to anyone off board, with the exception of Starfish and that's once in a blue moon.

I don't even understand what relevance this has to the original question!

EARTH TO MB MEMBERS! HELLLOOOOO?

[ January 27, 2004, 09:11 AM: Message edited by: *^aeri^* ]

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quote:
Originally posted by *^aeri^*:
Whoa....for a first post, that's rather antagonistic, don't you think?


you reap what you sow.

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What did I sow, Caitie?

Can you be a bit more specific? Surely you didn't think you'd get off that easily with such an intelligent comment.....

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quote:
Originally posted by *^aeri^*:
Whoa....for a first post, that's rather antagonistic, don't you think?


Give me a break....just another example of why I've cut my time on this board....


I remember that saga too, and opened the champagne that you were leaving. Glad it wasn't Dom Perignon...

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If my husband wanted me to keep conversations on the board....I would certainly adhere to that. As it is....before I started mentoring couples, there were a few male board members that I communicated with off board. My H knew about it, and correspondence was open for him to see....as well as kept to issues to do with marriage building. I have always communicated with women....but as far as men go....I needed to be convinced first that their commitment to marriage was consistent over time before taking that kind of risk. Someone mentioned that there shouldn't be anything that cannot be talked about here....but a perfect example is folks in Plan B. They shouldn't be posting....and losing that support is very hard when they are hurting. There are also times when legal issues or custody issues are better kept private. Those are the kinds of things that turn up off board that can't be exposed here occasionally. I DO think that people who are vulnerable, or have marriages that are vulnerable need to be very very careful about opposite sex communication.

[ January 27, 2004, 09:26 AM: Message edited by: star*fish ]

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hi Aeri,

personally, for what i think ar obvious reasons,i think it is always a good idea to be a little cautious about internet contact.
however....
i have not discussed off board chatting w/ my H, but i tend to go w/ my heart and gut about how he would feel about it.

aside from taking time away from him,
i don't think he would mind me chatting w/ anybody about our relationship....he does know i have done this a few times in the past..and never asked me not to.......

so,as long as i remained respectful to him and i THINK i have a pretty good idea what would/would not bother him, i see no harm.
(i think i will have to ask him flat out now that i realize i have made some assumptions there. [Big Grin] )

i usually go w/ the idea that....if i am going to say anything that i wouldn't say to him or want him to read........i will not do it.

[ January 27, 2004, 09:49 AM: Message edited by: nelly ]

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Nelly---you're absolutely right.....

Anything that you feel you have to hide from your spouse shouldn't be done in the first place. I guess that's the simplest way to sum it all up.

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greengrass,

aeri was struck by the comments on WF's thread and asks this question:

quote:
I guess my question is---how many of you have made such a pact and does it extend to ALL board members or just members of the opposite sex?

I think it's a legitimate question and not an attack....so I'm not sure where you are coming from? [Confused] It's also a very IMPORTANT topic for this board since EAs have occurred here and boundaries are important to enforce if this is going to be a safe board for folks who are vulnerable. I sincerely think it is a topic that needs to be discussed....examined...and for each of us to decide where our own marriages fall in this scenario.

Yes, of course it is WF's choice to make this decision for HER marriage. But I see no reason why it shouldn't raise questions for others as it has aeri. And what's with the question about being a "man"??? Where on earth did that come from? I am equally stumped by Caitie's "reap what you sow" comment.

Communication in and of itself is not evil or wrong....even with the opposite sex. There are boundaries that must be enforced and the POJA to be met. Motivation means everything. Integrity and morality along with good boundaries is what I use to guide my way and help me keep my own marriage safe when talking to ANYONE off board. I respect everyone's choices....and I champion WF for following the POJA that she has made with her husband....it is what these principles are built on.

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hi Aeri,

I am one of the people here in the BayArea that actively communicating w/ each other and even meet offline.

Yes, if you are M, it should be open and honest w/ your H and the moment there is a reservation you have to cut it out. You M is more important than "helping".

Between Orchid & I, she refers male MBer to me and I refers female MBer to her on most cases.

We meet regulary now ... we are in our 6th months (6 times) ... as a social event. To show that there is a possibilities of recovery after A ... KS41 & Orchid. There is a life after Dv ... me ... and some plan B'er that could exchange idea and help out each other to get busy. When they are ready to move on ... they will get busy w/ their own life [Big Grin] . Some of us stay to payback what we gained from this life experience. Either way, we have fun meeting new/old friends offline ...

I agree with star*fish "I DO think that people who are vulnerable, or have marriages that are vulnerable need to be very very careful about opposite sex communication". You know who you are (hopefully) so you could put your guard up.

-rh-

PS: I don't ususally post here too since this board is a bit too hot for me.

[ January 27, 2004, 10:13 AM: Message edited by: redhat ]

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I have contacted both male and female members, but only to discuss issues that were not related directly to the MB principles.
Uh, that seems kind of backwards. If one were to have any contact off these boards with the opposite sex, then it should be STRICTLY about MB principles.
But as this thread is about, even that is a no-no.

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sorry I should not have posted taht. what I meant was simply that when WFLOWER psoted a perfectly legit question about "loss of trust", you jumped on her, so why be surprised now whn it happens to you?

personally i think questions should be perfectly accptable to post, and I apologize for being a smartalex.

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quote:
Originally posted by Chris -CA123:
I have contacted both male and female members, but only to discuss issues that were not related directly to the MB principles.
Uh, that seems kind of backwards. If one were to have any contact off these boards with the opposite sex, then it should be STRICTLY about MB principles.
But as this thread is about, even that is a no-no.

Chris - there are several on here who have information about specific business interests, and we've utilized our contacts here for those purposes, to gain advice or information. Much of it doesn't relate to MB business.

I don't see a problem with developing a network of 'friends' from a source such as MB - between people who have good boundaries. I've actually gotten business contracts from people here. It's been a good thing - definitely not something I would have a problem with my spouse doing at all (if I were married).

Jan

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Not a problem if it's for business, but the wording seemed awkard.

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I highly recommend the utmost caution when going off-board to any member, and especially when contacting a member of the opposite sex. For instance, anyone who sends me an email should be aware that it may or may not be read by my husband, as per the Policy of Radical Honesty. There need to be assurances and safeguards in place.

However, I have had several cases where contact off board has been necessary for the comfort of either spouse especially when it comes into the realm of past Sexual Abuse, even if that abuse didn't occur within the marriage.

[ January 27, 2004, 01:26 PM: Message edited by: *Takola* ]

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