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quote:
Originally posted by Chris -CA123:
I have contacted both male and female members, but only to discuss issues that were not related directly to the MB principles.
Uh, that seems kind of backwards. If one were to have any contact off these boards with the opposite sex, then it should be STRICTLY about MB principles.
But as this thread is about, even that is a no-no.

I'm the one that originally posted the message about non MB related issues being discussed off line. I do not consider it appropriate to be discussing taking soil samples and determining the ph balance for the planting of a particular type of grain. If someone, male or female wants to ask a question, I will gladly answer, but if it is not related to marriage building, then it should be off line.

This site is for the building and rebuilding of marriages and not a general communications board.

Your gender in an email does not make any difference to me. I will not discuss personal matters offline, regardless of your gender.

As for WFLOWER maintaining her boundries, I applaud her. Are her boundries different than mine? Certainly, but rest assured that I maintain mine as well.

Aeri was asking about the contacting of the same gender off line and if she has a question, then she should be free to ask for clarification without being attacked by people that thinks she somehow "deserves to reap what she sows".

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quote:
Originally posted by *^aeri^*:
I guess I'm going on the assumption that contacting people off board is risky behaviour if it's a member of the opposite sex.

As a couple of other posters have commented, I think it is risky if you are prone to EA. The same way alcoholics are better off staying out of bars, my H (who is susceptible to internet affairs) would not be comfortable posting privately to another woman, but he has done so to a few men who had problems similar to his.

I post here, and email both men and women when asked to do do. H gets the link to everything I post, and he gets copies of any emails I get or send. Many times, I'll ask his advice or thoughts before responding.

For us, it's a matter of keeping all communication non-private.

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These are my absolutes:

- Anyone is vulnerable to an EA with the potential PA (we do have to protect ourselves from that reality)

- POJA between couples supercedes (anything)

- the net can be a dangerous place (so can the grocery store!!)

- I am a boundary lover so I do respect other's boundaries whether I like them or not.

But SHEEESSSSH ..... when you have posted on a public forum for at least a solid year on a daily basis and another same sex poster that has PROVEN credibility asks you would please e-mail her, couldn't you just set up a hotmail or yahoo account & e-mail her with a cc to your husband and then go accordingly?

I mean I am sorry but I see this as a little silly. You speak to these people on a daily basis, some of them for a year or more, and you STILL don't trust them? To me that is the bottom line.
If it were another male, yep .. absolutely! I have had to refuse a couple invites from male posters on here myself, but women???? I don't get it? What is the risk?

What in the world would you be afraid they would say off board that they haven't proven themselves to say here? And if they prove to be goofs .. poof you delete their butts off your e-mail and block them... gone!!

Which brings me to the next question. Do people really think we are "real" here? Do people honestly form any type of emotional attachment at all? Are we really just a series of electronically generated responses? I dunno .. this disturbs me.

Again, tho please see my previous absolutes.

[Smile]

Dzzz (Woman Poster A) (maybe .. maybe I am a man!!! yeah that's it!!! I have been posting as a woman now for a year .. just like Aeri!!! ) LOL

DZZZ

[ January 27, 2004, 04:02 PM: Message edited by: Diamonzzz ]

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I think it is risky if you are prone to EA
What does this mean? Who is "prone" to an EA?

[ January 27, 2004, 04:09 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]

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double post again..
stupid computer.....ok, i'll take this oppiurtunity to ask you all to keep your fingers crossed that my H finds a new job soon.....he had an interview today.
thanks.

[ January 27, 2004, 04:06 PM: Message edited by: nelly ]

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Ofcourse i think you are real, DZZZ [Smile]

and, yes....i will admit it, i have formed an emotional attachment to you. [Big Grin] [Razz] [Big Grin]

typical ENFP.... fishin' for compliments again. [Wink]

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quote:
and, yes....i will admit it, i have formed an emotional attachment to you.
and me to you Nelly [Smile] [Wink] [Big Grin]

DZZZ

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nelly -- Dzzz

Stop it! Sheesh --- [Roll Eyes]

Jan

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Prone to an EA?

I would take that to mean that you or your spouse has had an EA in the past. If you're having problems in your relationship, you might have another if the circumstances are right.

I tend to agree with Diamonzz, it's probably harmless to contact a woman poster through email, BUT if we're talking strictly POJA here, you have to follow it. If WFLOWER POJA'd this, she's bound to follow it---I agree with that.

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sorry, jan. [Embarrassed]

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quote:
BUT if we're talking strictly POJA here, you have to follow it. If WFLOWER POJA'd this, she's bound to follow it---I agree with that.
Yes, again, see my "list of absolutes".

I am sorry Aeri if I sidetracked the thread a little .. I think it is a personal slant I tend to put on this subject sometimes.

Don't you agree there are two main issues here? One is about maintaining POJA, and keeping ones' self in a state of accountabilty, but the other issue is the fact that sometimes people on the net really do not think of others as "real", "valued", etc, etc, etc. [Roll Eyes]

You know the ol' "good enough to talk to on here but OMG you don't think I really think you are REAL do ya?"

I'll shush up now ....

How ARE YOU by the way????????? (seeing as though this is your thread I am allowed to ask that .. hehe)

DZZZ

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I am not sorry Jan. I am running willy nilly all over threads and hijacking ...... [Eek!]

I am not real anyway .. I can do whatever I want!

[Wink]

DZZZ

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*^aeri^*,

I think it's a legitimate question--


--Prone to an EA?

TR--I would tend to think that prone to an EA would mean more--if your spouse is NOT meeting your most important emotional need's your prone to an EA--especially if the person your communicating w/ off the forum is a member of the opposite sex--

if you talk off the board about many different topics that are of interest to both people but not the spouse--a friendship is bound to form between the two people--and an EA could occur--

And if you are both sharing intimate details of your marriage--that also forms an emotional bond--

So there really should be boundaries set in place even in these situations--to help avoid that--

There have been a few people here that has happened too--I know of at least one couple who even got married--

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quote:
There have been a few people here that has happened too--I know of at least one couple who even got married--
WHO????????!! [Big Grin]

DZZZ

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quote:
Originally posted by Diamonzzz:
"STOP-DROP-'N ROLL"

I'd rather roll, pinch, and twist, then inhale deeply & hold it a few secs ... but I haven't done that in ages. [Big Grin]

As to the original question by Aeri, there's really no pact of any sort between me & Mrs. O about off-board contact between me & other MBers. There are a couple with whom I exchange the occasional e-mail. Sometimes it's about life-stuff, sometimes it's just the silliness that we all get in our in-boxes.

Either way, I don't hide it. If she wants to peruse my in-box, she can.

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quote:
Originally posted by Diamonzzz:
These are my absolutes:

- POJA between couples supercedes (anything)

- I am a boundary lover so I do respect other's boundaries whether I like them or not.

I completely agree. Boundries are hard enough to create and maintain without fellow MBers encouraging us to violate them.

Diamonzzz, you go on to completely negate everything you posted above with the following:

quote:
But SHEEESSSSH ..... when you have posted on a public forum for at least a solid year on a daily basis and another same sex poster that has PROVEN credibility asks you would please e-mail her, couldn't you just set up a hotmail or yahoo account & e-mail her with a cc to your husband and then go accordingly?
Absolutely NOT! These are exactly the type of fellow MBers that one might believe that they could actually count on to respect their boundries.
quote:
I mean I am sorry but I see this as a little silly. You speak to these people on a daily basis, some of them for a year or more, and you STILL don't trust them? To me that is the bottom line.
Why do fellow MBers think that they should be an exception to the rule. If someone sets a personal boundry not to accept emails (period) then that is their choice. It matters not what *we* would choose.

ba109

[ January 27, 2004, 05:39 PM: Message edited by: ba109 ]

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Diamonzzz,


WHO????????!! [Big Grin]

What are you an owl??? No, that is up to them to disclose that information---

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[ January 27, 2004, 07:36 PM: Message edited by: nelly ]

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BA .. I totally agree with you .. I saw the irony of it myself...


*puts hands up* guilty as charged..... [Eek!]

please see my new thread....

I think I was on the verge of a new discussion.

DZZZ

[ January 27, 2004, 05:56 PM: Message edited by: Diamonzzz ]

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ba109:

I totally respect WFLOWER in her decision. She POJA'd the issue and she's sticking with it. That's great.

I think you misunderstood Diamonzz...I can see her side of the story as well.

You may have missed the point--I was only curious to know who has this same arrangement. Personally, I would trust my spouse contacting ANYONE on the board if he HADN'T had an EA and wasn't prone to one.

I think trust is a big part of a relationship. I think I could trust my spouse enough to allow him to talk to anyone on this board. After all, we're all here to help our marriages...what would be the point in trying to establish an EA with someone?

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