I am brand new here and don't know how to post a question so I will put it here, as there are some similarities in my situation. I appologize if I am stepping on toes but really need to get some advice

If someone can move this to where it belongs, please do.

I have been married 20 years, but I am the one with the affairs.
This the second marriage for me, first one ended when husband left me for mistress. Met current husband a month after my separation and took care of me.....was no passion but we were good friends.
Anyway.....My first affair was 2 years into marriage, I ended it when I wanted babies, after babies my husband was jealous of the attention I paid to the kids and became angry and distant. That was the beginning of the end of our intimacy. I was fine for a few years because all my time was spent with my babies. But as they got older I became very lonely....I didn't look outside my marriage because I knew it was wrong and wished I hadn't previously, but then I was away from home for a few days and met someone handsome who said all the right things and treated me so sweetly that I caved in and had a one night stand. After that I started to crave the attention I felt that one night.
About a year later I met someone who was perfect...same interests, handsome, tall, everything I had ever wanted.

Long story short....I have been with him 2 years now and feel guilty everyday. I want to confess to my husband and stop the affair, even though I love my boyfriend and want to spend the rest of my life with him....I know it is wrong, but I can't stop!!!!

My kids and family and friends would be so shocked that I have done this. I don't love my husband, I haven't had willing sex with him since I had babies, the little passion we had was dead years ago, but I hate that I am going to destroy him with my confession.
How do I even begin to unravel this mess I have made?

Telling your husband the truth would be a good place to start.

EE1239, welcome to Marriage Builders. The first step is to tell your H the truth and end the affair. If he wants to stay in the marriage, we can show you how to restore the romantic love in your marriage. You can have romantic love in your marriage if you give it the same care and attention you give your affair. And the love in the marriage is sustainable, whereas, cheap affair love is not.

Most affairs die off within 2 years, because the very traits that made them possible, deceit and thoughtlessness, kill them off.

But, nothing can happen until you tell your husband. Is the OM married too?

Thanks for the reply....
No, the OM is not married, he left an abusive relationship 18 months ago.

I am so afraid to tell my husband....I know he will leave me, which I totally deserve...
but if he doesn't how can I ever want him to touch me again.....I have been replused to the point of tears for years. Is there any hope that I can want him again??

Then you have more an imperative to tell him. If you know he would leave under these circumstances then you have no right to trick him into staying by lying to him. That is cruel and manipulative. Only he has the right to make the decision to stay or not and you have no right to deny him that. He is not a pet who can be kept on a leash.


Oh yes, there is hope. When you fix the marriage using MB principles, the sex life fixes itself automatically. You can fall in love with your H and have passionate romantic feelings for him again. We can teach you both how to do this.

Who is this loser you are having an affair with?

I would love to love my husband again....but I don't even like him. I have prayed for years that I would fall in love with him, even before I had this affair, it didnt' happen.

How do I tell him?? What about my kids??

The OM is a gentle, sweet man who endured physical and emotional abuse from a drunk wife for years. He also feels very bad for what we are doing. We both know better.

TROLL. Don't waste any more of your time.

I'm sorry, I don't know what you mean by that.

If you pray to lose weight does it happen by magic or do you have to actually go on a diet? It is the same with falling in love, you have to do certain things to make it happen. You can't fall in love unless you start doing things that incent love, such as spending 20+ hours together meeting each others emotional needs, etc. We can teach you and your H how to do this.


Tell your husband first alone. And then you should tell the kids. The kids should not be given false explanations for the tension in your home. That just teaches them dishonesty.


He is a scumbag who has degraded and humiliated you. "Sweet men" don't spit in a woman's face. He has spit in your face by shagging a married woman. He has helped you abuse your H for years. He is a thief and a despicable low man.

That makes sense....I have been reading the Marriage Builders site for a while now....and it sounds so scarey, but my husband does deserve the truth. I hope I can go through with this.

I cannot comment on the scumbag part......I still love him

Although I am not sure what it meant...the troll comment a few posts back makes me wonder.....maybe I don't belong here.
I am not a BS, I am the one making the mess of our lives.
I'm sorry if I wasted anyones time.

Erica

EE,

A troll is someone who posts here with a made up story, elicits all sorts of help but continues to spin even more fantastic stories, apparently they like to get the attention but they don't really have an issue in their marriage if they are married.

Mel is telling you straight. I would like you to think about this. What made you fall in love with your OM? Was it the time you spent with him? Was it that you listened to his problems and tried to help him? Was it that you invested yourself in him and he accepted? You see you already know part of the steps to finding love with your H, you did them with OM.

Take a look at life from your H's point of view. I know this is virtually impossible right now but I am going to do this anyhow. a WW in an active affair NEVER has the ability for empathy, but I'll try.

Consider what life has been like since the children came. Has his any of his needs been met? Has he had a woman that loves him and by that I don't mean feels love but ACTS in a loving manner? No, so as barren as your life has been consider what his has been like...worse. He has no choice, you made your choices and have lied and cheated him for years now.

Yet, inspite of all of that he is still there, somehow he has remained in the marriage. Is he in love with you? Probably not in a feelings way no, you have done your best to push him away. But, in terms of an action way, he supports you right? He supports the children right? You know deep down that hearing the truth from you will rip him up right?

Well if you know that you also know that he is still emotionally attached to you, how strongly?? Who knows. Perhaps when he hears that you have betrayed him for years and with several men, he will finally give up and leave and frankly he deserves to have a W that loves him.

BUT, you don't know these things. We do KNOW that you can love again and so can he if you do this correctly. it is done here routinely, give it a chance.

Read the articles about Harley's four rules for a good marriage. Read about his policies of radical honesty and joint agreement. Read about needs and understand yours as well as think about his.

The path to recovery is narrow, but it is navigatable. You can do this, it is a process and it will take time, but you can do it.

God Bless,

JL

Erika-

Because of your current situation you can't see the OM the way that many of us here at MB can. He is a "scumbag" because he is willing to have a sexual relationship with someone he knows is married. Think about it for a minute-if you can-from an objective point of view. Someone who would carry on a sexual relationship with a married woman isn't exactly "sweet" by most people's standards.

Your relationship with him is a fantasy. It's an escape. Do you really think that someone who would have a sexual relationship with a woman who has made vows to another man would be a good, faithful partner? How would you ever be able to trust him? He obviously doesn't have any respect for the vows you made to your husband. How could you ever trust him to uphold any other vows he might make to you?

You will never know what kind of marriage you might be able to have with your H as long as you are looking for validation or affection or whatever outside of your marriage. As long as you are with other men, you will continue to make your husband offensive, repulsive, and whatever in your own mind in order justify what you are doing with men who are not your husband.

Did you ever consider that one of the reasons that your H became distant is because he sensed that you only wanted him to be the father of your children and a provider for you, but you really didn't want him to be your partner or lover. After all, you did say that you only stopped your first A because you wanted babies. Even if you didn't say it out loud, maybe your H sensed that you only wanted him around to be a sperm donor and provider, but YOU didn't value him as a partner or lover. Maybe that's why he became distant.

Telling him the truth might destroy what is left of your M, but if you love him at all, you should understand that he deserves to know the truth about his life-and that includes the part of it that he shares with you. Right now, he only knows that you are not completely "there" in the M, because you have someone else on the side. Most people sense that they are being used way before they have any proof, and you are truly "using" both your H and the OM.

You are at a point where you have to "cut bait or fish". It's not fair to your H to keep him around for just some of the parts of your life he fulfills and have your OM on the side to fulfill the other parts.

If you want to make your M work, you will have to be honest with your H. That's the truth. Also, telling the truth might not save your M, but it's the right thing to do. That's also the truth.

Your BH needs the truth.

You need to realise that in loving the OM you are giving yourself to a liar, cheater, sneak, thief.

Is this the person you want around your kids as a role model?

You will not redevelop feelings for your BH as long as you allow the OM to be in your life.

Do you work with and or live close to the OM?

Just ignore the person who made the comment. There is a button called "ignore" you can press and you will never see their posts again.

I'm sorry someone said something offensive, but such people are not representative of Marriage Builders. There are many different people here all with their own opinions and behavior; look to those who can teach you the Marriage Builders program.

EE,

Have you given any consideration that the affairs you had early on in your marriage


had a very strong effect on the distancing between you and your husband?


And,


that the constant lying that has resulted from YOUR AFFAIRS early on in your marriage

then, your selfish behavior during the time your "babies" were babies - which I translate to mean that you paid little to no attention to your husband's needs -

also increased this distance.


Do you see ANY of this as being YOUR FAULT....and....

do you see how the fact that by creating the distance, by continuing to lie over the years

increased and increased and increase the distance


and you found a way

to BLAME YOUR HUSBAND


for what YOU ACTUALLY CAUSED?



You caused your feelings to become what they are. You had affairs, which caused you to try to blame your husband, which made you feel distance. You then USED your husband to have what you wanted (children), and then focused selfishly on the children to create distance and isolate yourself from your husband.

Of course he feels distance from you


and you from him.


There was no attempt on your part to create anything BUT distance.


Then, you look for another man - that YOU DON'T BLAME - to fill needs that you blame your husband for not filling

the whole time that you PREVENTED your husband from filling!



Sheesh. The guy never stood a chance.



Can you fix this?


I dunno. Do you think that for a moment, at least 6 months (that's a long time!), you could possibly put on


A GIVER hat?


And see what might happen if you began to meet the emotional needs of your husband???????


New concept. Try it.


Dump that scumbag now, and focus the efforts that you have been spending on a scumbag


and try spending them on the man who invested his time and life with YOU.


Instead of being a user, be a GIVER to your husband for six months. See how it might pay off.

And see what happens if you STOP blaming your husband for what you have done to this marriage, take a cold hard look at what YOU have done to it


and take full responsibility for these affairs.


The only problem you face is - your husband may choose to leave you. He has that right.


SB

EE - if you have read around these boards, if you are delving in to MB material, you NEED to get the book Surviving an Affair.

While many of the basic concepts in the book are covered here - the expansion and explanation in the book is imperative for you to reach perspective.

The OM is not the sweet and great person you believe him to be. This fantasy you have created is made possible by the heavy lifting done by the man you are betraying.

All the OM has to do is make you happy. He does not have to support you financially, he does not have to raise your children, he does not have to make tough decisions with you.

Every day, you betray your H, and yet he does all this. How can he not be just as wonderful, and then some? You say yourself you give him very little. Yet, he gives you so much.

Your feelings for your H are due to a lack of openness and honesty about your needs, and how he can meet them. You have never gave him the chance.

First, if you care anything about the OM, you would end your relationship with him now. Why? Well, you are an abusive spouse. You are abusing your husband with your affair. You say the OM left an abusive relationship with his wife. So why would you subject this man to another abuser?

Second, do you want to continue to be abusive towards your husband? If not, then end the affair, AND CONFESS your affair to your husband and give him the same level of knowledge about your feelings as you've shared with us. Allow him to decide if he wants to work on the marriage, or cut you from the team since you say you don't have any desire for him (my paraphrase.)

The adult thing to do is to confess your affair and then ask him if he wants you to stay or go. If he wants you to go, pack your bags and leave, alone.

If he wants you to stay, then enter into the Marriage Builders program, accept the responsibility for your choices and correct your approach to the marriage.

If you are expecting MB to fix your husband, just leave now. MB is not a spouse tune-up shop. It's for fixing your marriage, and it's for folks to fix their own approach to marriage by ending unhealthy or abusive behaviors such as choosing affairs, and replacing those behaviors with actions that will build romantic love.

But the only way you stop the abuse is to end the affair, never have contact with any OM, AND a full and complete confession of what you've done to this point, followed with sincere humility and the willingness to walk away with nothing but the clothes in your suitcase should your husband decide that he is unwilling at this time to entertain reconciliation.

Do not try to take the house, any children, assets or anything. Any attempt to do that shows that you are still selfish and not a safe spouse for him to trust.

I see ALL of this as being MY FAULT!!!!



I do not blame my husband....I know I caused it all. His only part was to get angry and distant instead of talking to me....for years I didn't know what was wrong...he wouldn't talk to me.
The more he was angry - the more I avoided him, it was a vicious circle Now I realize that it was because he felt like he was second best in my eyes.
It's not that I haven't tried to fix it....I was faithful for many years....I even arranged marriage counselling that he was very resistant to, I read books and tried to discuss what I was reading....he wouldn't listen...he just kept telling me that if I would only....such and such, it would be better.....I did such and such, but nothing changed.
I know my affair is wrong....I am not trying to make excuses....I just couldn't take the silence and tension that I had lived with for so many years.