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Dr Harley is rewriting His Needs, Her Needs to include his advocacy of exposure and recently posted a new article showing this chapter. It is to be released early next year. This is in addition to his awesome newsletter published a year ago: When Should An Affair Be Exposed?



How to Survive an Affair

by Willard F. Harley, Jr.


A reprint of chapter 13 of His Needs, Her Needs (2011 Edition)


Originally Posted by excerpt
If your unfaithful spouse is unwilling to end an affair the right way, I know of a way to help speed up its demise: Expose it. Your own family should know: Your parents, your siblings, and even your children. The family of your spouse's lover should also know, especially the lover's spouse. The pastor of your church should be informed as well. Exposure of an affair is like opening a moldy closet to the light of day. Affairs do well when they're conducted in secret, but when they're in full view for all to see, they appear as they are -- incredibly foolish and thoughtless.

Even if exposure were to be ineffective in ending an affair, I'd recommend it anyway. The betrayed spouse needs as much support as possible, and exposure helps friends and relatives understand what's going on. Keeping an affair secret is no real help to anyone. But I've been amazed at how well it dismantles the illusion that affairs rest upon. Instead of assuming that the relationship is made in heaven, an unfaithful spouse quickly senses that it's a one-way ticket to hell on earth. How to Survive an Affair



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I'm very glad he is doing that. I hope he also adds something on exposure to the new edition of SaA, which is arguably THE anti-affair handbook.

When I first read Dr Harley's articles on this web site about 4 years ago, there was nothing memorable said about exposure. When I later bought HNHN and SaA, again, there was nothing mentioned, much less urged. I struggled through many false recoveries to get my H to go NC. He, being a cake-eater, continued to have sex with OW as long as he thought he could get away with it. The affair was easy to carry out because it took place when my H worked abroad.

I don't like forums on the whole. I hate the way they are full of people having their say, even when what they say makes no sense (to me). For that reason, I never looked at this forum until about a year after I read the first of Dr Harley's writings. how wise and well-directed I found the advice to be, and how I regretted the time I had wasted by not looking here!

When I did finally read here, and found strongly-worded advice to expose to OPS, I was instantly persuaded of the need. The moral argument, as well as the common sense, jumped out at me. I contacted OWH, whose details I had held onto but not used for nearly two years. It was only the exposure argument on the forum that led me see that I had been enabling the affair by trying not to "hurt" the other spouse and children.

Good for Dr H.



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I was so glad to see his newsletter of October 2009 reiterate what he has been saying for years on the radio and on the weekend forum. It always surprised me there was nothing about it in SAA.

He had stated a couple of years ago on the weekend forum that he is also rewriting Surviving an Affair:

Originally Posted by Dr Harley
I'm in the process of rewriting "Surviving an Affair" to add information about plan B. Some of the main points are as follows:

Whether in plan A or B, the world should know about your husband's affair. All of your relatives, your friends, your children, and the licensing board for your husband's lover. In some states a licensing board will revoke a license if a counselor is having an affair with a married person, client or not. This is because it's well known that affairs hurt families, especially children. And counselors know better than to have an affair.

The reason for the wide exposure is not to hurt the unfaithful spouse, but rather to end the fantasy. Your husband's secret second life made his affair possible, and the more you can to to make it public, the easier it is for him to see the damage he's doing. Keeping it secret does damage, but few know about it. Making it public helps everyone, including the unfaithful spouse and lover, see the affair for what it really is.
here


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Exposure to the other man's wife killed the affair two weeks later in my case. It usually does so within 6 months, according to Dr. Harley... but a lot of us find it does so much earlier than that!


Doormat_No_More
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Original thread lost in the forum purge of '09.
4 months after D-Day
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Originally Posted by Doormat_No_More
Exposure to the other man's wife killed the affair two weeks later in my case. It usually does so within 6 months, according to Dr. Harley... but a lot of us find it does so much earlier than that!

Exposure killed my H's affair the SAME DAY. While there are no guarantees, we have had affairs killed instantly due to exposure. Waiting to expose seems to make the affair harder to kill.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Same day kills here.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Mine weren't the same day, but it worked. My H was furious that he had to deal with the consequences of his behavior, but we BOTH now know it was vital to recovery and to a future without another A.


Me: BW, 46
Him: WH, 48
EA/PA with co-worker 8-08 to 7-09
D-day 7-29
NC 8-17
OW and WH both fired from jobs
OW lost court case for restraining order- judge called her a "practiced deciever" who manufactured evidence!!
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Exposure also killed my husband's affair the day I went NUCLEAR.

Understand that I mildly exposed 10 months earlier when I found out the first time (I didn't know about "exposure" but instinct told me that I needed to tell at least both of our families and close friends). That did nothing except force them to take it further underground. When I went nuclear is when the A ended for good.

In one of our first sessions with SH I told him how I exposed the second time (re-exposed to everyone whom I had exposed to the first time and also posted it on the running message board where they had met and emailed the staff at OW's school where she was a teacher), SH chuckled and said "Wow! Good job on exposure!".

I am very thankful to everyone here who encouraged me to do this because we are in an almost fully recovered marriage now.


Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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I'm so glad he included it. But I REALLY wish he had used 'affair partner' instead of lover. I hate that usage frown


Female 45
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Because Dr. H ministers to such a wide range of people, many of them still very wayward and fogged in, I understand his unwillingness to use more accurate - but inflammatory - terms to describe RLP.

Fortunately, he has all of us to say those things for him. grin

"RLP" - bet Mel can guess.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



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I'll give the other side of the coin here. I didn't say anything at all about my H's EA. I didn't want anyone to know, I was so embarrassed.

His A lasted for another 10 years after my initial discovery.

Yeah, exposure would have been a good thing to know about.


Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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RLP=RuttingLikePigs?


Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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Originally Posted by MarriedForever
RLP=RuttingLikePigs?
If Mel insists on using that term, she will find herself embroiled in legal action for porcine defamation.


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Originally Posted by SugarCane
Originally Posted by MarriedForever
RLP=RuttingLikePigs?
If Mel insists on using that term, she will find herself embroiled in legal action for porcine defamation.

You people stop insulting pigs!! sigh


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Yup. lashes

She won't get in too much legal trouble though, because she always apologizes to the pigs.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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Just chiming in to add that my nuclear exposure ended my XWW's affair DEAD in its tracks, the same day. Exposing to OM's BW was an ESSENTIAL part of it.


Formerly ConfuzedHusband
BH
WW (Now XW)
Married 4 years, No children.
EA/PA from 2/2008 to 5/2008.
DDay: 5/17/2008 - Separated 6/1/2008 - Filed 8/3/2008
Divorce final 3/2009.

Now in a committed relationship with a woman of character who loves me so much better and deeper than I ever dreamed possible. I had no idea what I was missing out on and am so grateful God gave me a free "second chance" at love and life.
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Exposure did little for me other than earn me some letters from XWW's attorney. And I did a pretty scortched earth exposure.

I stopped short of a billboard.

But our child's pre-school teachers knew that my daughter was undergoing some stress because her mother had moved out and was having an affair, so please be watchful over her during this difficult time.

The OM's Alumni association, workplace, and of course his wife knew of the affair.

Ditto for my XW's family, etc.

I'm shocked you all didn't see it on CNN or Fox News in the crawl at the bottom of the screen smile

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EE,

What was the basis of the lawyer's letters? What illegal act did it suggest you might be committing?

I know things are different in the US from here in England, but surely if you tell someone that your wife is having an affair and it is true, you haven't defamed her or broken any law?


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Lawyers don't need an illegal act. She asked me to stop contacting her, her family, him and his family.

I said I would stop contacting her because she can ask, but unless others made requests, I would continue to contact others unless they made a specific request that I not make contact with them.

A lawyer can try to scare you, but there isn't always a law on their side for everything they request smile

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I did almost no exposure. Looking back, I'm wishing I had done more, but that ship sailed a long time ago.

The only real exposure I did was to Pond Scum's wife -- and I did it with my then-WW's eager approval.

I had done research on Pond Scum's marital status. He'd been declaiming to all and sundry that he was D'd for about two years. When I found out that it wasn't so, then-WW wanted to find out what the truth was.

When I talked to Mrs. Pond Scum and heard what she had to say and I passed along what I'd been told, any WD then-WW was going through ended right there on the spot. It's hard to pine for someone who was in reality something you'd scrape off your shoe.

(Later, I found out that Mrs. PS lied to me about a number of things as well, but at least I'd gotten enough information to kill things off permanently, so I'm grateful for at least that much. Of course, I'm still angry that she also fed me a big helping of bushwah, but you get what you get. They deserve each other.)

Anyone reading this and wondering if they should expose...

EXPOSE! The sooner you do so, the more pain you will spare not only yourself, but your WS. A return to reality is the best thing they can experience.


BH 52
FWW 50
S26 S24
EA 3/07-1/09
PA 5/07-10/08
NC finally established after eight false starts: 1/23/09
Final Version of Events 6/09
In a solid Recovery, and lucky beyond belief.
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