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Joined: Feb 2003
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dd50 Offline OP
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OK ... how can you show love and fill up their love tanks, when they keep refusing it?

At the moment, we're suppose to separate any day now ... when the tax returns come in. I still love him, but he tells me he doesn't love me anymore. Lots to tell, but I'm trying very hard to show him love and give him his needs, but he just keeps putting up a COLD wall, and treating me very badly. It's as if it's gone too far, and he can't (won't?) come back.

I know I've hurt him with words and yelling, but I've apologized over and over. Yes, I still slip up now and then .. but I always say I'm sorry immediately. I've gone out of my way to show him love ... even though I'm not feeling all that well lately, I still offer him sex daily, all though he won't accept it much anymore. I've gone the route of trying to see if he's having an affair of any kind ... but there's no proof or really not any signs.

What happens when you get to the point of wanting to give up trying, yet you still love them and don't want a divorce? He agreed to just a separation, but then he wants to 'live' as if divorced during that time .. so what good is that?

I'm tired .... but I love him. Even saying good morning to him, he scowls at me ... and when I nicely tell him that I get hurt when he scowls, and I'd appreciate a smile instead, he gets MAD!

When I try to hug him now, he stiffens up. When I try to talk to him in the van, he just answers and then the conversation dies.

What gives?

I don't know what to do ...

Suggestions?

Thanks,
Hugs,
Dee

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dd50 Offline OP
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BUMP!

Any suggestions, opinions? Any at all?

Dee

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Dee,

You have put yourself between a rock and a hard place. You are gonna have to quit your tirades and be a good girl. He is not gonna give any because he feels it is better on the other side. You have to show what he will be missing. If you hit him with a car and got out and apologized over anover do you think the hurt would go away? NO, quit doing the things that you think you will have to apologize for. IMHO

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how can you show love and fill up their love tanks, when they keep refusing it?
Showing love has absolutely nothing to do with their response to your actions.
As in the Nike commercial, "Just do it!"

Joined: Jan 2004
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It's hard for someone to accept love from someone who has hurt them with words and yelling and it's even harder when you are still slipping up sometimes. I'm sorry just doesn't cut it. Each time someone hears a put down or a negative comment or yelling it leaves a scar that never goes away. I have been on the receiving end and it is horrible. You need to think before you let things fly out of your mouth when you are in the heat of the moment because it doesn't matter if you really didn't mean it because it's too late once it comes out and it still hurts.

When he gets mad when you tell him that you don't like the scowl and that you'd like him to smile at you, could it be that he gets angry because he feels that you are trying to control him by telling him that?


Nail in the Fence

There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence.

The first day the boy had driven 27 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.

Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.

Many days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.

The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there. A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one."

The boy looked up at his dad with tears in his eyes and said "I understand now, thank you dad". His father gave him a hug and said "I know son, I love you" Both of them learned from this lesson and were forever changed by placing nails in the fence.

Remember...
"ANGER" is just one letter short of "DANGER"

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What if there is no anger or yelling? I don't yell, but I do get angry and frustrated (like now) and emotional. But I do not know how to reach W when she will not let me? She has isolated herself from me and does not want to discuss M or helping her discover what is missing or why she feels this way. She has made decisions and I feel is moving on without exploring all options. Why, I cannot at this moment tell you, but I still love her and want to work on M. But I do not know how when she will not let me?

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But I do not know how to reach W when she will not let me?
If she won't let you, there is nothing you can do.

She has made decisions and I feel is moving on without exploring all options.
Perhaps she is. But again, there is nothing you can do to change her mind.
You CAN do Plan A. this enables you to listen/understand her better and be someplace safe for her, so if she decides to explore other options, she can safely come to you.

This is not a guarantee it WILL happen. But you can make a difference so when she does crack a bit, she will want to come to you.


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