WH

Though we both agreed to tell OC about bio father when she's old enough to understand. We don't want surprises down the road.

Good choice, I was an OC and my adoptive parents lied to me about my circumstances.

I did have some limited contact with my bio-father as a child and I was glad to have memories about him when I went to speak to him as an adult. I feel that biology is a good deal of who we are and the child should have some contact, I wished I had known earlier.

At some time in the future your child may wish to change her last name, I wished I had done so some time ago, I feel like I have perpetuated the fraud into another generation.

God Bless
Gamma

Gamma, your experience is exactly what I'm concerned about. I want to be honest, but I'm unsure if it's in the OC's best interest to know OM, because that will certainly result in a broken home. I don't want the OC bouncing from home to home. I want OC to have a stable, consistent home life. How can that be achieved in this type of situation if OM is part of OC's life? I want to avoid anymore mistakes that could harm my marriage or my OC. And how does that account for the NC?

WH,

I want to be honest, but I'm unsure if it's in the OC's best interest to know OM,

No outcome in these cases is entirely happy, but being completely open mean no lies to maintain.

The wild card in here is your childs future personality which you do not know.

Also not only is OM her family, but his family is her family too, this is part of her identity. Does your H family know?

I would guess you feel it is too late to adopt out the OC to another family.

God Bless
Gamma

WH,
Yes, we have no COM and that's another story in of itself. That is one the reasons my sitch is so painful. Some skank HO gave my beloved his firstborn when I could not.

You will get many opinions on this thread, but I strongly recommend that you follow the Harley's recommendation of NC between OM/OC until the OC is grown. You already realize the potential toxicities, so go with your gut. Let your wonderful H raise OC. Repair your marriage. Don't do any further damage.

There are no easy answers and EVERYONE will be hurt by your choices, but "choose the path of least nuclear fallout"....in the words of our own, De-Lean De.

wanthealing: Dr. Harley does advise people in our situation to have NC with the OM and he believes very much that it is in the OC's best interest to not have the OM be a part of his/her life. Either way, it is imperative that YOU have NC with the OM for life. Even if he does win custody/visitation rights, you will have to find an intermediary to handle exchanges for visitation. If you want to save your M, you cannot have contact with the OM.

Gamma's opinion seems to be in the minority around here. I also am an OC. I had very limited contact with my bio father until I was 14 and I have not spoken to him or seen him in over 25 years. I have never met anyone in his family other than his oldest daughter, who was 17 when I was born. Most of his family do not even know of my existence. Do I ever feel as though there was something missing in my life? Yes, sometimes. But, under the circumstances, I cannot really imagine that I would have felt very accepted by my father's family even if there had been more extensive contact. My father chose to stay and work on his M and I think that was the right choice for him and it would have been difficult at best for me to be a part of that. I do have a family. I have a mother, grandparents, aunts, cousins. I don't really think of my father's family as my "family" because they are not the people who raised me.

It is impossible to project into the future and know everything that might happen. Right now, the best thing you can do for your OC is concentrate on recovering your marriage and creating a stable, loving home life for your child.

Well said, writer1.

My H and I didn't even start recovering until he stopped contact with OW. That was about 6 months after D-day. And then it took him a long time to get past his feelings for her, even though he was committed to making the marriage work.

Before he went NC, he was different towards me everytime he had talked to her. I could tell and it tore me apart more everytime. He thought he could balance between the two of us and have some contact with OW, but he finally (after I found his last secret phone) realized he couldn't. And I couldn't.

It was very hard for me to watch my H yearn for another woman while he was deciding what to do and after he went (after false starts) NC. Excrutiating. I'm not sure how long I could have done it if there hadn't finally been progress that I could see and feel. Even if your H doesn't say anything, I'd bet he could tell when you were in contact with OM.


I know you are only a few days past NC and it is hard. Each little contact sends you back to nearly the beginning of your progress away from OM. But it does get better and easier the longer you stay away from OM.

We are 6-1/2 years past d-day and very happy. The relationship is better than before, but it took both parties being committed and lots of time and effort. It was worth it.

Joint custody is a rocky, rocky road that few couples in this situation negotiate very well. Try to avoid it, if you can.

I think what the majority consensus is saying feels right for us--NC 100%. My H and I will fight for full custody as hard as we can, and we have to leave the rest up to God. But I feel much more confident that with my H and I raising our OC together, she will lack nothing. My H's love for our OC is boundless, and he shows it every moment he's with her. Even after what I did to him, he shows incredible love to me every day. If anything, this situation has made our love stronger. When we feel our OC is ready to handle the truth, we'll tell her about my A and explain why we chose to keep OM away. Hopefully our OC can forgive us.

The support in this forum is amazing. I must thank each one of you personally. I get tempted to turn on my IM (how my OM and I used to communicate) and instead I jump into this forum and find the strength to resist. Thank you thank you thank you!

So your BH never suspected anything until you told him?

If the OM gets shared custody you must still maintain NC. Pick ups and drop offs can be done at neutral places without you there and the same for BH. Most likely best if you mom could do it.

If the OM needs to communicate it can be done through a 3rd party such as your mom.

My BH never had any idea until I fessed up. None of our family or friends know; just my BH and pastor. Only my BH's family lives near us (my fam is far away). Is this something I should tell the whole fam? My BH is afraid that if his fam finds out they will want nothing to do with OC or me, which will be heartbreaking because right now they adore OC and spend tons of time with us.

WH,

When I said that no outcome in these cases is entirely happy, I was also referring to the implicit lies your H family are being told now since they are deceived that the child they are supporting is their blood.

Since you do need to tell the child of her heritage at some time in the futurek please tell everyone now as you cannot ask your child to maintain this lie. I went through my early life keeping a secret of my family background as I felt a certain shame in it. I now tell everyone I am the illegitimate child of Mrs X and the very religious Dr Y.

There is also a reasonable possibility that OM will inform H's family or the court proceedings will become known.

God Bless
Gamma

No need to tell friends, now and most likely never.

However I think BH's parents and your parents should be told. Then your and BH's siblings need to know.

What to do with SIL's and BIL's? And, with previously mentioned family memebers that can't keep their mouths shut?

Call the Harley's on this one.

Ask W1 who in her family knows?

What does your pastor say onn this?

Gamma: Why do you feel the need to tell everyone you meet about the circumstances of your bio parents? I know a lot of adopted people, and while most of them are open about their adoption status (at least with friends and family) none of them feel moved to provide an account of the marital status (or any other info for that matter) about the parents who chose to place them up for adoption.

To answer The Road's question, everyone in my family knows about the OC. Our older kids, grandparents, aunts/uncles all know. In our case, we really didn't have much of a choice, since my H had a vasectomy 12 years ago, and everyone knew that. We told everyone the truth from the very beginning. I wouldn't say there haven't been a few acceptance issues, but overall, everyone has been very accepting of our OC. It probably took my H's parents the longest to come around, but they do love her and treat her as they do any of the other grandchildren now.

WH, FWIW, in my sitch only our parents and 3 close friends know. As far as I'm concerned, that's the way it will be forever. I feel strongly that there is no need to inflict pain on the rest of our friends and family. Pls keep that in mind as you are considering this.

In retrospect, we now say that we wouldn't have told our parents. However, immediately after D-Day, I was fairly certain that I was leaving H, therefore the need to give our parents a reason. I am still here to date and wish so badly we hadn't told anyone. When sitch happened, we were 5 states away from any friends and family so the chances of them finding out were slim to none.

Hmmm...this def gives me a lot of think about and we'll probably need to be counseled through this decision by the Dr. Harley. But I would like to hear if anyone has any personal experience or thoughts on this. There are so many possible outcomes, and I know I can't control them all, but here's the dilemmas:

1. We def plan to tell OC about OM, no matter what the court outcome is. When, we're not sure yet. OC's only 4 mos old right now, but I don't know if popping it on her in her teen years is a good idea. I'm thinking the earlier the better, but how do you explain an PA to a child? What's too young, what's too old to tell OC?

2. When we tell the OC, we would probably need to tell the fam that she has relationships with (my parents, my BH's parents). My parents will likely accept it and move on. H's, well, they tend to hold grudges for a very very long time and have strong feelings against A--so strong that it's almost scary. And my MIL tends to be a gossip and spread fam stuff fast and far. But they (my H's fam) live 10 mins from us. So if OC knows, certainly it will come up to them, and who knows the havoc that will result. Will it be better if the A was a long-gone thing if we wait to tell them several years from now? Or will they be more angry we didn't tell them sooner? Sooner? Later? When's better for the OC and the fam to find out?

Our pastor has counseled us some, and he feels our close fam should all know (and hopefully keep it to themselves), but even he concedes that this is an issue that may not have one easy answer. Either way, he says I may be painted the big red WW by some and I'll just have to not care what they think or say and instead focus on my H and God's grace to get through it. That will be the hard part--dealing with the judgment.

I've just decided not to worry about telling my OC right now. She's only 2, so we are a long way from having to deal with that. I'm hoping we'll know when the time is right.

As far as telling yours and your BH's parents, I think you should do that now if you plan on telling them eventually. If you wait, they will feel deceived and will probably have a much harder time accepting the situation.

Of course, in your situation, not telling anyone at all (including the OC) is an option. I believe there's another poster on here (Autumn Day?) who chose this route. I think her OC is about 8 or 9 now, and no one other than her and her BH know. That only works though if the OM decides not to pursue custody/visitation.

What stops the OM from contacting your family or your husbands family and telling them? Or mutual friends etc?

W1,

Gamma: Why do you feel the need to tell everyone you meet about the circumstances of your bio parents?

Lots of compelling reasons, I guess I opt for a

1) Because it avoids rumors if the truth is known
2) Because it is the truth
3) I don't have to explain away any inconsistent details.
4) This isn't the mob, I never took a vow to lie for anyone.
5) It helps with my personal acceptance of my origins.

God Bless
Gamma

I was wondering why you don't just tell people you are adopted and leave it at that?

I sense that you have a great deal of anger towards your adoptive parents, and I'm not sure I understand that. What did they do wrong? They adopted you out of less-than-ideal circumstances and then accepted you as their own, raised you, loved you. Why the anger towards them? I can't see that they did anything wrong. Most adopted children do not come from great home environments and it seems as though your adoptive parents wanted to offer you a better life than your bio parents were able to. I think they should be commended for that.

W1,

The story I tell people hardly involves my adoptive parents at all, yes they were good people, but that is not the full story, and, at least in my case, I am very much like my bio-family who I've met.

I suppose you are speaking of the implicit slight in that mentioning my bio-family somehow diminishes my adoptive parents role in and contribution to my life and well-being?

God Bless
Gamma